A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, sorry if this question sounds stupid. I'd like your advice on guy's motives for saying I love you. I've been with my bf 5 months, he's great-caring, kind, funny, sexy, intelligent, thoughtful. He told me last week that he loves me, and said he wonders when I'm going to say "the L word" back to him. I told him it's a scary thing to say, because I guess it kind of makes you vulnerable to being hurt (my last relationship was for 7 years until I discovered my ex was cheating on me despite him asking me to marry him out of the blue...had been single a year before I met my current bf who has been cheated on in his prev relationships too). He said he understood and that he would never intentionally hurt me. So a couple of days ago, I realised that I have fallen for him and I do love him, so I told him. He gave me a kiss and a hug and said he loved me too. So now I'm kinda doubting it all. For some reason that I can't put my finger on, I feel I was weak to tell him I loved him, like he's maybe got me to say what he wanted to say, and might lose interest now? He's kinda been in touch with me a little less frequently since that conversation, although he does work night shifts. I think I can trust him, but I'm feeling a little vulnerable. Do guys ever play games to get you to say you love them, so that they feel they've won you in some way and then lose interest? Thanks for your advice :)
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Awww. You've been with him for five months. He didn't say it too soon so as to suspect his motives, and obviously, he didn't say it in a fight or out of guilt.
When a guy says "I love you", he's making himself vulnerable to you. Those words are not a game. Indeed, there are countless women out there who crave those words from their boyfriends only to have them as guarded as you are and scared of commitment.
Life isn't worth living unless some risks of the heart are taken. I know you were hurt horribly by your ex of 7 years, but truly, and I mean this, there is no greater point in your life where you WIN and shake off what your ex did to you than to be able to love again freely. Every day you spend under the fear of being hurt again and being afraid to love is a day when your ex wins, and the hurt is there. Your complete vindication is to love again. Your ex will have to live with his transgressions, which contrary to popular belief, will eat at him, most likely without him even realizing it.
I think you're in hyper analysis mode due to his working night shifts, and you're in self-preservation mode because of needing to protect your heart. Remember, you don't need to play power struggles and games in a relationship, and you're not always up against one. Sometimes, you can take "I love you" at face value, especially if it's backed by loving actions.
Remember, HE is vulnerable too. By saying "I love you" he is both baring his soul and making a commitment to you to take the relationship to the next level. This is a really good thing to happen, especially since it happened at a good spot in the relationship.
I would suggest that if you have any mementos of your ex (gifts, love letters, old event tickets or other memories) that you keep around, that it might do you some good to get rid of them in an act of letting him go. It's very cleansing for the soul, because your future horizon looks really good if you can let go!
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 January 2011):
 26-29.... I guess your guy is your age or older...
Men that like to sleep with a different woman every day can use the love word easily.
Men that date you for 5 months and treat you right, only say they love you when they mean it.
"Love"... nice word, nice to say and nice to hear. But pretty meaningless.. If he never said he loved you, it wouldn't mean that he would suddenly leave or start beating you. If you never said "I love You".. you'd still have the feelings, you still feel glad and happy to be with him.
I repeated your age, just to be sure.. Only children believe that words have magic in them. "Love" is not like "abracadabra", it holds no power or magic tricks. It's the feelings in your body, mind and heart that matter, not a some magic love word.
You can't keep yourself safe by pretending you aren't in love, all you will do is hurt this man and leave yourself bitter and lonely. Don't let the past ruin your future. Don't let the people who have hurt you control you and hold power forever. Shame the devils, decide to be happy and in love. The best revenge is always to live well, not to be scared of life.
Better to have loved and lost... always.. you can be safe when you are dead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I think he's just at peace now, since you told him that. That's why he appears to have distanced himself. He may show signs of this contentment by doing things such as staying up late while you go to bed, sleep while you're awake, or go out more often while you're at home. It all means he feels very secure and sure of what he has with you, now that he's gotten some reassurance from your words.
He resembles how alot of happily married spouses react when they feel their needs are met. It will seem strange to you now, especially since both of your pasts confuse your feelings, but in time you'll both get very used to the distance one offers the other. I'm just guessing that you never experienced much of that natural contentment from your ex, since he chose the road of selfishness to ruin your relationship. For that reason, I wouldn't be afraid of this new guy, since he's already been down the wrong road, and most likely regrets it.
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A
male
reader, ck78  +, writes (6 January 2011):
Don't assume how he is feeling, it will only get you down and more insecure.
You either know or you don't know.
Talk to him how you feel "in a positive attitude,mood and environment", If he dodges your questions or wants to talk later etc then it is probably safe to assume that he probably isnt that into you and used the L word in a non emotional context.
Don't feel bad or beat yourself up for saying it, you said you want to say it because you do love him. You are not at fault for expressing your feelings.
Personally when i say anything to compliment or reinforce how i feel i never expect anything in return. I say it to show my feelings, boost self-confidence in my girl and hopefully make the start of her every day bright and energising.
S.
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A
female
reader, LostInMyself +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Hey =) I just read a really interesting Article here on Dear Cupid that you may find interesting: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-fail-safe-tips-to-bag-that-guy.html
It is related to your topic. I have a rule of not saying the L word first. EVER. Really.
When I do say it I noticed one guy got slightly distanced, even if he had said it first and I answered him as well. What I did was to set a slight distance, I started focusing on work, and school and started to call him less and pay attention to other things. I did this so he would not take my feelings for granted, as in "well she loves me so she will put up with me" Eventually, he was afraid to lose me he got very scared thinking he had done something wrong, and I said "Oh darling! Nothing is wrong I've just been terribly busy!" This sent the message to him that I was not hanging on his every word, move or breath...
Guys are less expressive with feelings so dont pressure him, give him space, and dont say "I love you" anymore, just let him process it and he may come around, just give him time and space :) imo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): hey i think u are thinking to much into it, jkust carry on and act like how you would act togather. You both love eachother.. and have expressed it, do not dwell on the words so much, but put more effort and action into what love means to you and your relationship, thats all there is to it! Do not think to much about the paranoia and insecuritys otherwise it will destroy what you have, remember you only have one life to live, so live it well and not worry!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Saying "I love you" is not a game, at least not for me. Personally it is (and at the risk of sounding a little too cheesy) my own heart that motivates me to utter those words. If I love someone, I only desire for them to know how I feel about them, if they feel the same, I am overjoyed and I seek nothing more. It is not a game for me, just pure honesty.
I do not know your boyfriend so I cannot speak for him, I can only tell you that if he really is the kind and caring man you think him to be, he means it and he only wants you to know it. He is motivated by the want to be in love with you, the want to have something deeply unique with you, no more and certainly no less. If you feel vulnerable, maybe you should pay special attention to what he says when he IS in touch with you. Measure his sincerity instead of the number of times he talks to you.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, lija30 +, writes (6 January 2011):
 ummm sex does...lol....come on ...u knew that.....
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