A
female
age
30-35,
*londie_1991
writes:hi all.. basically I am just wanting some peoples opinons on LDR's..I am relativly inexperienced on the relationship front anywyas but have hit it off with this guy who lives quiet far away from me ( we were initally friends and things have developed recenlty after meeting up again a few times) any views would be much appreciated, especally from people involved or have been in a LDR themselves. thanks :) xxx
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reader, blondie_1991 +, writes (22 January 2011):
blondie_1991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the advice! :0 it really helped me see that it is possible for this thing to work. Thanks :) x
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I've been in a LDR for nearly 3 years now. I'd say the best thing to do is to make sure you set dates in the future when you can meet up. It is one thing speaking on the phone or the internet but you need to be physically together to make it work, because it's not the same as a virtual relationship. So make plans to visit each other.
It sounds like things are still pretty new for you guys so try to get to know each other. Send him letters, maybe. Or little gifts. But only if he's the kind of guy to respond. Definatly make sure you have a webcam so you can have video calls. Its the closest thing you can have to actually being together. Although, it is not the same thing. The dynamic completely changes when you are together in the flesh.
LDRs can work, but they are hard work, especially if it is over a long period of time. You have to be really dedicated to each other and have a strong bond. But if you do, you can get through anything :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Communication. Don't ever assume that there's an issue that you should keep to yourself. It's important to be open and honest about any feelings or any problems. It's harder from a distance, because you don't have that feeling of "this is okay" that you get in person when discussing serious things.
It might be a good idea to refrain from being too serious all the time. Save some of the details of your life that are more... in depth... for in person.
Try not to be insecure if he hangs out with other girls that are strictly friends. Men have friends. They have drinking buddies... movie buddies... football buddies.... work mates... and friends that just happen to be girls. I've learned that if you jump down the mans throat because he's hanging out with one of his long-time friends that happens to be of the opposite gender... you'll be pushing him away. Think of it like this - you're not in person to see his face when he's telling you that there's nothing going on, you have only your gut instinct to rely on. This is where that communication thing comes in. You have to trust him and set ground rules so that if any feelings DO start to fade, you can be honest about them before the other person loses their mind. He's with you for a reason, not every man has a wandering eye. Trust.
Take an interest in some of the things he enjoys. Does he watch sports? Can you plan an evening on Skype or Gmail or whatever to hang out and watch the game together? Maybe have him teach you something about it? What about his job? Is he really into it? Possibly ask him about that every now and then. Stay interested in the things surrounding his life.
If at all possible, try and "see" each other as much as possibly. Webcam... hell even mic. Stay in touch when you're not terribly busy by setting aside time for each other.
That part about not being too serious and saving some stuff for in person? Yeah, feelings. Don't question his feelings all the time, it won't feel natural. Seeing him say "I love you" is infinitely better than hearing it all the time. Don't come off as clingy by constantly asking him how he feels/what he's doing/if he loves you/why he doesn't do this or that... etc. You're two different people, you view things differently, don't blow up at him if he's not all there emotionally. In a LDR it's hard to be all there emotionally.
If there are things that pop up that are pretty serious in terms of a future together, such as religion or family... keep in mind that arguing about them will only make things worse and drive you two apart. Try and approach everything in a non-threatening way. Listen and ask him to do the same. Things will fall apart fast if you're constantly blaming him and questioning his motives, believe me. Ask him questions about the topic at hand instead of getting angry. You'd be so surprised as how well a simple "why do you feel that way?" makes things less tense. If you come right out and say "well I feel this way because you suck and you're wrong"... yeah... things will fall apart.
Don't forget to reassure him on occasion that he's all you want and need in a man. Of course try to steer clear from being too mushy and romance-novel-like. If you're anything like me (and God help you if you are lol) you like making your man feel like he's THE ONE, even if there's distance between you two. Does he have a favorite sports team? Get a jersey and take a picture in it for him. Little things like that make a man feel so good in a relationship. They're not overly emotional creatures, infact some are quite simple in their tastes. They want what every human wants - to feel loved and secure with the person that catches their eye. He might not even respond to any sweet things you say, he might brush it off... but believe me, he's thinking about it and he feels special because of it.
Friends. You started as friends right? It's important to merge the friendship into a relationship while still maintaining the friendship, if that makes sense. Did you play games together? Chat about your group of friends or work? While the relationship stuff is important, don't neglect the friendship aspect of the relationship. Don't assume that you have to stop joking around because you're now in this serious committed thing - you don't. Don't change because you think things have to change - they don't.
Basically, a LDR has a lot of the same components as in in-person relationship. It's harder though, I won't lie. It's lonely at times, it's sad and hard at times, it's rough. If you feel things slipping, don't neglect that feeling and try and get back on track. It's extremely important to make plans for the future. Talk about being in person together, meeting more often, doing fun things together. Be your own person and hang out with your friends like you probably do, but don't neglect him. Don't ever start neglecting things if you want it to work out in the long run. Personally, I used to prefer the LDR type. It was easier for me. It allowed me to have my own life while connecting with someone that could have possibly been amazing with me in the long run. It seems like the best of both worlds really, but don't underestimate how hard and lonely it can be at times. Keep it in mind and keep making those plans for the future! Hope I helped~
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