A
female
age
,
*ugs4u002
writes:I need some discussion on masturbation, my mate only wants sex with me 1-2 times a month but masturbates to porn almost daily, it has become a huge issue since I would like sex more often and feel sexually frustrated. Recently he told me that I should masturbate more often, o.k. I bought a vibrator and looked at some porn but it doesn't do it for me.So I came to this thought, I am not visually wired like a man, just for me, I would like to have men kiss my breasts and masturbate me and tell me sweet nothings and as long as I do not kiss them on the mouth or have intercourse I would essentially be doing the same thing as my bf, using other men to masterbate..what is the consensus on the difference between men and women's differences in fantasy and drawing the line with including other people for visual stimulation versus tactile?
View related questions:
breasts, porn, sexually frustrated, vibrator Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Your guy is a sex addict. Go to www.no-porn.com
You both have a big big problem that has to be resolved.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (15 August 2007):
 Dear Hugs,
In responce to your question of have I ever seen something I wish I hadnt. Yes. My husband did like porn, too, quite a bit. When we first married he would occasionally get porn and it was 'normal' porn. I admit I got turned on by it sometimes. When it was every once in a long while, it was sexy. As time went on though, he got porn more and more often and escalated to some really disgusting stuff. Seeing porn on a regular basis was boring and sexually dampening. He would get angry at me for not being turned on and the porn got more and more disgusting. I actually had the dry heaves on several occasions and I think it could have gotten even worse, but I began to refuse to even be around when he watched. He then claimed it was because I was frigid and a prude and that it was all my fault.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (11 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry hlskitten, but you are misinformed. google sexual addiction or porn addiction and you will find what I am speaking of.....why do people smoke? some people smoke cigarretes when they are young and then quit for a healthier lifestyle, some people continue to smoke throughout their life, and still others go on to smoke other things.It is so with porn,,,the chemicals produced by the brain during orgasm give you a 'high' and these same chemicals also have a bonding component to them, for some people (thankfully a small percentage) that bonding mechanism hooks them permanently to porn and masturbation and in order to get their high they will look at different things to produce the same feelings and stimulation which most definately takes them down a slippery slope into areas most people would not find arousing, i.e. bestiality, urination, pedophilia... Nobody can predict who will be affected anymore so than you can say I will try heroin and not be addicted, it is a dangerous game to play with the mind. I would not have believed this two years ago, but I have learned unfortunately that this is the truth. Consider yourself extremely fortunate if you don't know a single sex addict.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 You havent got other parties involved if its only porn on line or in films for instance. Thats not an illness? And i dont agree that it leads onto worse perverted things?
Blimey that narrows the sane public down to about 2% of men & 70% of women then hehe
The guy cant enjoy sex unless hes doing it to himself, thats not good. But thats something he needs help with, not watching porn as such.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (10 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Danielepew,
I have read some of your other responses that you feel that a woman's feelings should be respected if she doesn't want porn to be part of the relationship, I have great respect for you and commend you for having this insight, I can't express to you in words how refreshing it is to hear a man say it and how helpful it has been to read your words in helping me to see the light........your posts and this web-site have cut right to the heart of the matter and made me realize that I do need to leave him and stop 'helping' him with his problem.
I believe you are absolutely correct, it is the only choice I seem to have left as he is unwilling to seek professional help.
The reason I posted on this sight when I stumbled on it is that I saw a lot of other women struggling with pornography in their relationship, and although mine is an extreme case, I wanted to open the discussion on the difference in men and women's sexuality and how we as women are not 'wired' towards visual stimulation.
I had given this alot of thought after my man told me to masturbate more....... I even had considered it to the point of thinking I should be blindfolded so I could 'fantasize' that it is my man doing the touching............ if i am receiving from someone else pure pleasure, not emotional attachment, I don't want this man, just the orgasm, it is different and yet the same as porn touching a man's eyeballs (or massaging as some would say) Both would produce orgasm with the help of a stranger, with no emotional attachment and no intercourse.
But women cannot 'allow' themselves this pleasure because it it wrong and yet are told to put up with their men doing this, I just don't think women have considered there is an avenue of pleasure waiting for them as well...it may just be a matter of time before we see it. And I beg to ask, would a man ask the same questions of himself if he stumbled upon this as women do with porn...why, why does she need this, am I not enough, does he pleasure her better than I am able, will she go further?
I think the majority of women feel that sex is best between the two people involved and porn is other people.
I believe too many women are being pressured and told they are insecure, get over it, it's no big deal. well, i am definatley not insecure, I am beautiful both inside and out and I feel these women's pain and struggle and I don't want them to feel they are insecure, this is not what it is about.
One more thing, this porn thing is dangerous because you don't' know if your man is the one that will become addicted to it, or worse yet escalate and not be satisfied with looking at beautiful women but look for worse things and perhaps lead into other shady areas of sexual perversion. The studies I have now read are very conclusive that there is an addictive component to it and there is a very real excalation pattern for a weak man into things they are then ashamed of having viewed. Have you ever seen something you wish you hadn't?
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 Madam, I am with deejuliet and the anonymous female poster. Leave this man! He's plain bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (10 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionG***##$@&rockstar,
thanks, I have been able to do the same on the phone with him before, but I can't intitiate...he has all say over when, where, how, blah,blah, f*c#ing blah, I am getting to the point I just hate his selfish bullshit so much and I don't believe him anymore when he says he can get better!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (10 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you deejuliet and to the anonymous writer, it amazes me that from complete strangers, with so little insight that you are able to nail things so precisely. I really wanted to debate about the masturbation but you have all steared clear and have focused on the problem, which is yes I have a very sick boyfriend. I don't mean that in the pervert way, I suspect he is addicted to porn. Although the question of how men and women are wired differently and how lame of an excuse I think biological differences is for their use of porn, it is not a logical debate to consider bringing in a man, like they have women at the massage parlours, what is important is that the man respects you and seeks help for his problem, or if he doesn't have problem, stops using..
...............................
A
female
reader, GoddamnedROCKSTAR +, writes (10 August 2007):
 Well. My boyfriend and I do it together, as odd as this sounds.. He lives a few hundred miles away from me, and we use the phone and mutual masturbation to be intiment. I agree that he's cheating on you, with his own right hand. For you to have someone to assist you in coming to an orgasm is no worse than his use of watching others have sex.Have you tried masturbating with him? Watching one of the videos together and maybe playing a little, first with yourselves and trying to work into doing it together?-Casey.
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (10 August 2007):
I am going to be very cynical here because I dont see this a relationship that is going to last. I agree with the other aunts that he is being selfish and this isnt going to work. Sex is about connecting to another human being, masterbation is about orgasm. But better he masterbate himself than masterbate inside of you. Believe me, this is no more satisfying than that vibrater you so dislike. My husband treated me like a blow up doll. We actually didnt kiss for years! There was no foreplay, no touching, no tender words. He would get an erection, tell me to spread 'em and ejaculate within 2 to 3 minutes. He 'masterbated' inside me. So getting your guy to have sex with you may not be the answer you seek.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Gosh. The answer is right in front of you. He is useless. He's a jerk. He IS cheating on you. And his behavior is NOT NORMAL. Just so you know.
I had the same problem. My ex was addicted to porn. Preferred it to sex. I suffered low self esteem. Felt cheated on. Eventually left him. Shortly after met a guy and had a wondeful sex life. He made me feel beautiful and we had sex like at least twice or three times a day.
NORMAL guys prefer sex to masturbation. You need to leave him. He's not going to change. Furthermore, he's got a PROBLEM. Why do you want to be with a weirdo? You don't need that in your life. There are plenty of men who WILL satisfy you. Get out while you can. He sucks. Trust me.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (10 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmarieclaire, I never thought of this, his selfishness.....he does tend to be selfish in other ways but I cut him a lot of slack in other areas, not so when it comes to sex because I enjoy it so much :-) I didn't see this as an extention of his selfish behavior...thank you very much!
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (10 August 2007):
hugs4u002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you cxxx,
I agree that one should not include third parties in a healthy relationship and that is why this is becoming tiresome to me because not only does the porn feel like a third party, but a fourth and fifth and so on ...and I have tried everything to encourage more sex between us, lingerie, movies, massage, even some things that I wasn't very interested in doing......
so my point is this, we already have other parties involved here and he is saying to me to masturbate more so why can't women use the same excuse as men, this is how we are wired, for touch and sound, not visually. I hear this is a biological difference that we should just accept from our men....but I think alot of women feel cheated on when they find out their men are busy doing this and I can be just as flippant and use my biology as an excuse for my behavior.......any men out there wish to help out here?
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2007):
I dont think its ever a good idea to bring in a third party (as in reality) porn is quite different to relaity.
As for the visual aspect, its a well known fact women were never built to be as visual as men. Thats why there are many more top shelf grot mags aimed at men than at women.
I would be encouraging my guy to want sex with me, rather than himself a bit more often than that though, ive gotta admit. Both is fine but the balance doesnt sound quite right to me.
Hope that helps.
C xxxxx
...............................
|
