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female
age
36-40,
*esca86
writes:Hi Guys,What is an average amount of sex to have per week? My boyfriend and I have lived together for a year and have sex once every 1-1.5 weeks. I feel like this isn't enough but maybe I'm the one with high hopes and will always be disappointed?I have spoken to him about it and he says he just doesn't have the 'urge' and he's been like it with all his previous relationships. I know he's not cheating on me and I know he's not gay. He always tells me he loves me and he thinks i'm beautiful etc etc and that he does find me sexy but he just doesn't have 'the urge'.I've tried spicing it up, putting sex cheques etc in his lunch box and they just get ignored, I've tried to dress up sexy and he doesn't seem interested.What should I do? Who is it that's in the wrong? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Do you know if he is using alot of porn/masturbating alot? This can sometimes be a reason why men don't want to have sex all that much. I once had a bf who did this alot and the sex wasn't very good when we had it. I mean, all men masturbate and 99% use porn I think and that's okay but it's whether they prefer it to having sex most of the time that it becomes a problem for me. Just an idea.
The other thing is, you really can't change a person. Some people have commented that he needs to make more of an effort and if he does, great, and if you think talking to him about this will help then fine, but in my experience people only change when they feel they want to and it doesn't sound like he does. You definately have mis-matched sex drives and I understand how hard this can be as I have been through it and it made me feel very frustrated and angry as I have got a very high sex drive. I think it is really important to be with someone who you can have great sex with and for me it is one of the most important things in a relationship. I would not stay with someone who was bad at sex.
But this is you we are talking about, not me. If you think you can live with this then carry on and stay with him. This is what you need to ask yourself, 'can I accept this might not get any better?'My point is we can really only change ourselves so if you want to stay with him YOU will have to alter your expectations and work on feeling fulfilled sexually somehow. Good luck.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 neither of you are wrong in how you feel about how often you want sex but his "i'm lazy get over it" sucks.
when you were dating you had sex every other day when you saw each other because you needed to maximize the time you had together. Once you moved in and it's always accessible then you no longer feel that pressure to have sex because you never know the next chance you will get....
Truthfully, it will only get worse as you get older, while a woman's sex drive will increase as she gets older a man's will decrease... so you have to decide if you want to figure out how to cope with this since he already told you he's not planning to change to accommodate your needs or desires
options:
1. leave
2. accept it as it is and do nothing
3. accept it as it is and self satisfy with masturbation (this option works as long as the need is for orgasm and not affection and cuddling... if the need is for affection and cuddling see option #1 as that cannot be found outside of a committed monogamous relationship)
4. accept it and take a lover (either open relationship which I would condone or clandestine (not condoned NOT recommended)
I am sure there are other options but those are the ones I can think of rather quickly...
BTW my drive is higher than my BFs I like every other day... he prefers every 3 or 4 days... I defer to his choice easily and satisfy myself as needed BECAUSE I get at least one hour of kissing and cuddling every day... sometimes I get 2 hours... if I did not get this affection I would feel deprived.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 3 shift pattern? Is that when you have three different shifts, practically a new time for work each day?
I do that too. I even have a few 12 hour shifts in between. Nothing gets between me and sex, except being sweaty and stinky. And then I just invite him with me to the shower and do it there.
No, his work is no excuse. Nothing about the life he leads is a reason behind his sex drive, he was born that way, and it ain't gonna change. Ever. At all. Unless a magical fairy comes and swats him on the head. Which is unlikely.
He said it himself, other girls have left him over it. It's got nothing to do with how much he loves you or cares or whatever, he just doesn't feel "the urge".
However, I will say that his defensiveness about it, and lack of interest to do something about it in order to keep you happy and keep the relationship, does say he's not giving much of a crap. He's just telling you to get used to it or get lost.
In his defense, he's right. I'm telling you the same thing, this is pointless. Either you get used to it, or you move on to someone who can meet your needs. Obviously he's aware that this is a critical aspect of the relationship since he's been dumped before about it, and you have debated it over and over. He's been warned. And his response is to accept it or move on.
He's aware of the problem, and it's HIS job to get help, if he wants help. His decision to not do a thing about it clearly gives you the answer: he isn't interested in seeking help, he doesn't think he's got a problem, he isn't willing to work a little extra and not be "lazy", and he wont ever change.
Face the facts. He wont change. What you see is what you get. There's just nothing you can do about it.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Hmmm that does seem pretty low to me. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and we have sex 4-5 times a week, though like with cerberus sometimes it's twice a day and sometimes it's nothing for a week or two.
It's not uncommon for a couple to be sexually incompatible. You two need to sit down and have a talk about what you can do to satisfy yourself in between when he's ready (for instance masturbating), and what he can do to try to raise his libido a bit (for instance, not masturbating).
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): At that age, or any age below 60, or more, I'd say that he perhaps should see a doctor.
I know a guy, personally, who this happened to, and for years was told that it was his mood, his work schedule, his this, his that, he was treated with multiple medication for depression, etc, and nobody checked his testosterone levels...yeah, he had premature failure of a gland in his body, stopped producing testosterone, and nobody checked.
See your GP, it is unusual at that age to have this type of issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): He's your boyfriend he shouldn't take offense to you suggesting something that would improve his life and improve your relationship.
Unfortunately for you OP he has told you plain and simply to deal with it yourself because he's not going to. 'im just lazy and thats all there is to it' in other words "this is the way it's going to be so deal with it". 'if you dont like it then leave because thats just who i am' again he's told you that this is it, he's not going to do anything about it so you either live with it or you go.
OP as much as you think that his previous girlfriends leaving him due to lack of sex being an excuse, it's not an excuse OP, it's a reason. One you yourself are finding tough to deal with at the moment. Do you really think that every girl he's ever dated was a heartless bitch? You really thing you're the first girl to try and change his ways and make him more into it? OP you can't ignore a person's history especially the consistent repeat behaviours, the fact that these girls left him because he wouldn't fulfill them sexually is not a good sign as to your chances of getting that from him.
Working those kind of shifts doesn't help and perhaps if he's depressed that could be an issue too. But his history shows this is a long term behaviour, and if he worked long hours when you weren't living together then that's not really a reason. Also the 'now we've moved in together it's less exciting' thing does happen to people but those people are still willing to work to fix the relationship.
Where you stand is this OP, he knows you're not sexually satisfied, he knows you're frustrated and he told you in no uncertain terms that he's not going to change that. He's been through this before OP with multiple girls and he didn't make any effort with any of them, I'm sorry but if you think you're going to be the one that changes that you're going to be sorely disappointed.
A persons history is who they are. If I told you I'd cheated on all my past girlfriends would you believe that I wouldn't cheat on you? Would you believe that you would be the one that makes me change? Now imagine I told you I wouldn't change and I was still going to cheat. Obviously there's a difference between that and your situation but the concept is still the same. He is who he is, he's not going to change. You have a future of sex once every fortnight or so.
With that in mind are you still too afraid to suggest he go to a doctor or you going to fight to fix what is broken in your relationship? Because honestly OP, if he won't budge on this issue then no matter how much you love him you have a sexless future ahead of you. Better to fight now and not worry about hurting his feelings to save your relationship in the long run.
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reader, jesca86 +, writes (21 July 2011):
jesca86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for all your advice!!
I've tried to speak to him about it before and he gets really defensive and says 'if you dont like it then leave because thats just who i am' which is fair enough because I think I would feel the same if it was the other way around.
Before this became a bit of a problem in our relationship he had mentioned that previous girlfriends had split up with him because of not having enough sex so I don't think its an excuse.
He's 28 but he does work a 3-shift pattern and is quite often tired - could this be something to do with it do you think?
This was never a problem until we moved in together, we used to see each other every other night and have sex everytime, and he's said that it's because it would be a while until we saw each other again and now it's so easily available its less exciting.
He has also said 'im just lazy and thats all there is to it'
Its bizzare that he's like this and I think you're right about him maybe being depressed (he was in the army for 9 years) but I don't know how I could approach him to see our GP without offending him....!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Hi! Mid 40's, 2 kids under 9, and married for 19 years--Every other day. My libido is high now--my hubby has a hard time keeping up. :) After my second pregnancy and a 70lb. weight gain, I was not feeling too good about myself and we were only having sex BIANNUALLY. I've lost the weight, and my husband feels like he has a "new" wife now. I do worry a little that I really like sex but I guess there are worse vices out there! PS- We do try to spice it up and I have an great imagination too! They do say great sex is more about the mindset!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 I know I am supposed to be politically correct and say that it's not the quantity but the quality, and that there's no set number etc., and I believe it too, within limits, but, let's keep it real : 3 times a month in the 22-25 age bracket ( supposing he's around your age ) ? Living together, with all the time and privacy you need ? With no kids yet ?... That's VERY below average, and it does not bide well for the future. Either there is not enough chemistry between you ( and I am sure he does not lie, he does love you and he does find you beautiful , but the skin-to-skin magnetism is something primal, biochemical, that's got little to do with feelings and aesthetic appreciation ), or, if he really has always been this way all his life with any partner, he has a low sex drive, that does not match your healthy appetite.
Suggest him a medical check up to find out if he has low testosterone levels, or other physical problems, - or maybe is he depressed ? Excluded all that... think long and hard how much this relationship is worth to you, and if you are willing to face constant sexual deprivation in order to maintain it. Sex drive tends to decline with age,
and just with the routine and stresses of family life, so I would not be that optimistic about the chance of a natural improvement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): for me bet 2-3 times a week (sometimes a little more) and this is my 20th yr of marriage.
tell your bf he is damn lazy and he should at least make a bloody effort.
LoveGirl
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 July 2011):
No one is in a wrong!
The issue is that he doesn't need a lot of sex, while you'd like it more often. Common problem. It can't be solved.
You either adapt into his way, or try to convince him that you NEED more intimacy in the relationship, or else you will be left feeling unwanted and hurt, and not satisfied.
Compromise is the only way to go to make the relationship last. Unfortunately, the partner who has a lower interest in sex typically doesn't understand or respect that the other wants more.
You must value how important sex is in a relationship to you. Sex is important in my relationships, and I'm not being crazy here, but if a man only wanted sex once a week with me I'd be out the door. Or getting close to the door at least, he'd need to be superb in all other aspects if I was to stick around (or have a medical condition that excuses him). I have a high sex drive, and would like it every day, or at least every other day. I could even have it twice a day. That's what I'd prefer. Sex for me is ideally between 4-9 times a week.
A person who has a low sex drive just doesn't feel the need... They aren't in the wrong, and you shouldn't be pressuring a person into sex either. But like I said, there's compromise, or the relationship is dead. That means if he's ideal is once a week, whereas you want it daily, he'll need to have sex with you, or be otherwise intimate with you, more often that what he "normally" would do, whereas you will have to settle with sex maybe 3 times a week or even 2 times a week at most.
I just think it is unlikely that he will understand your situation. I was with a man who had a lower sex drive than me once. It wasn't even as bad as your boyfriend, we'd have sex around 3-4 times a week. But he NEVER initiated, or responded with much. Many times I'd have to do the work myself while he just laid there, or he didn't want to continue for long etc. It wasn't satisfactory, and became a problem in the relationship. We argued over it many times. He'd ignore me sexually for days to end if he could, even ignore my advances, pretending that they didn't happen!
Like I said, you see for yourself what's good enough for you. There is no right or wrong, there's only what you need out of a relationship, and whether or not he's willing/able to give you what you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Yes most likely mis matched sex drives. Depending on whether it has always been this way from the start. If not, then could be other reasons.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 You've bound to have heard abut the nickles in a jar story where you put a nickle in a jar every time you "do it" for the first month of marraige then after the first anniversary for each time you take a nickle out. You'll never empty the jar. There's no "normal" There's just never an agreement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): To be honest i personally think that one a week to once every one and a half weeks, is pretty much a healthy sex life. I know plenty of couples that go for maybe a month without it. But they love each other to bits and are happy together. In my relationship, my partner would like it more, but for me, once a week is plenty, so he has a higher sex drive than me, but he understands that i havent as much as him, so its give and take. I think once you can put your mind at rest that the reason he is like this is purley the way his sex drive is, and not anything to do with the way he feels about you, you will feel alot happier. Can i ask, was this different at the start of the relationship, were you sleeping together alot more?
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reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (21 July 2011):
 mismatched sex drives? yes
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): I think Cerberus's 4 times a week is probably a lot more than most couples once the 'honeymoon' phase is over and the OP's once a week is probably more 'usual' Having said which, a lot of us would be over the moon to have sex once a week and once or twice a month is the norm.
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reader, natmarie +, writes (21 July 2011):
 You need to tel him how frustrated you feel. Seriously. You need to say you want to be happy and that you feel you are going out of your way to help spice things up and he is not responding and that if there are any underlaying problems, he needs to tell you or go and disucss with the GP asap , as it is getting to you. Take him in hand and tell him it;s getting you down, and let him see you are serious. Don;t tolerate being ignored when you are trying to help the situation. It';s not fair on you. Maybe he is depressed? who knows. but whatever it is,it needs to get solved, as it can;t go on for the next how many years with you being sexually neglected.Get to the bottom of it. ( excuse the pun!!) good luck. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): 1-1.5 is a little low I would say for two people in their early 20s, but maybe he does not have a very high sex drive. At least you are still doing it. tis no big deal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): "What is an average amount of sex to have per week?" There is no such thing it's all down to personal preference and a persons individual sex drive. That said sexual satisfaction/fulfillment is a vital element of a healthy relationship.
First off neither of you are "in the wrong" put simply he's happy with the amount of sex and you're not, so something has to be done about that.
Secondly I find libido varies, in my current relationship we have on average 4 times a week and sometimes we may go a few weeks of once or twice a day, other times we may not have sex for a week. There are lots of factors in it but I think after the honeymoon period at the very start and you settle into a relationship that's generally someones normal drive.
"What should I do?"
You need to find a compromise because it sounds to me like this may well be his normal libido. You need to be straight with him OP and tell him that the situation as it stands is leaving sexually unfulfilled and something has to change because it's important. he can say he loves you but he has to show it too, not just in emotional or mental terms but sexually too.
OP be prepared for the possibility that you and he may just be sexually incompatible in terms of frequency. You're not having your sexual needs met by this guy and that may never improve, even if he does decide to put in more effort it may well feel forced to you and therefore pointless. I've had break ups for the very reason.
One thing I will say is that it's very unlikely that's it's due to not him being in love with you or desiring you. We really have very little control over our libidos. The one thing I can think of that would help him if he wanted to increase it is exercise, working out or martial arts. Something to get the testosterone pumping through his veins again. There's nothing better for turning a sexual sloth into a ravenous dog than greater fitness and strength.
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reader, MissTellAll +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Well, there is no such thing as 'enough sex' in the realm of a universal number. It's different for every couple.
No one is 'in the wrong' here really, your boyfriend may just have a low sex drive caused by stress, exhaustion, or maybe just a naturally low sex drive. If his job is stressful that can directly effect his ability to perform.
Talk to him about it again. Don't say 'we aren't having enough sex' but 'I want you more than I'm already getting you'. Try new things, try getting out more, ask him what he wants.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Neither of you is in the "wrong". You just have different libidos. There is no normal, but I would say somewhere around 1x a week is typical for most working/studying couples once they get past the sex-crazed first few episodes. I say typical. I've been in relationships where every two weeks was asking a lot, and some where less than once a day was slacking.
You are trying, but maybe he isnt getting it. Have a heartfelt convo with him explaining that you would like more sex (if thats what you want) or at least more recognition of your efforts. He may need to do things to try harder, like minimize stress through exercise or yoga, taking up a mutual hobby or doing things that put him more in the mood. Whatever you do, dont just throw advances at him with expectations that he isnt aware of. Make sure he is clear on your expectations. And be sure to draw the line at what you can, and cant accept.
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