A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m trying to figure something out concerning my relationship with my boyfriend of two years. We don’t live in the same town and see each other at weekends.We get along well, he does housework, he cooks, he calls me in his lunch hour just to say hello and tell me he loves me. The one thing he doesn’t seem to want to do or is unable to do is spend any money on anything that is not for himself or his daughter (from previous relationship). He has bought me flowers once in 2 years, he did not buy me a gift last month when it was my birthday (but bought his daughter a new phone among other things, and new clothes for himself that month). He has taken me out to dinner about twice in two years and paid for it himself, the rest of the time we have halved or I have paid. We went out to dinner with my sisters, he didn’t contribute one cent to our share of the cost of the meal, I had to pay our share. He didn’t even offer to contribute .He spent a huge amount on a Christmas gift for his daughter, I asked for a gift one quarter of that amount and he said no way. He wants to get engaged but says he’s not “wasting” a lot of money on rings and weddings, he wants to spend the majority of the money we put together on the “honeymoon” so he gets a nice holiday. He has said he’ll buy me this or that, he’ll offer to buy me something without me even asking for anything or when it’s not my birthday or any special occasion, but when it comes to actually going to buy the item every time something seems to “come up” that requires him to spend that money on something else, then he tells me it’s tough, I can’t get it any more.This happens all the time, I am not making it up or being over sensitive and I find it really amazing that it seems to happen when he’s going to have to pay for something that is not for him or his daughter! So you may ask why I’m only waking up to it now – well I have a good job and he went through a tough time financially earlier on in our relationship so I was doing a lot of paying for stuff while he was getting sorted, but it seems that either he still has limited financial capability or he is a charming sponger or and I am a sucker. The whole thing is he does not come across as a mean or selfish person, he may still not be 100% back on his feet financially but has not told me because he’s embarrassed about it. I’m not sure how to ask but what I do know is I’m getting really tired of it, I would like to not always be the one who gets disappointed. Is it wrong to want your man to give you a treat or a gift now and again, surely he could sometimes do something that is just for me, not only look to keep his daughter happy with giving her everything she wants? I am supposed to be the woman he wants to marry after all, although maybe that’s the whole point, he wants a wife that will always pay up when necessary and he doesn’t have to worry about it and keeps all his money for himself and daughter with no other strain or obligation on his finances.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): I was in a relationship like this once and it didn't end well.
I had to pay for everything! From expensive dinner dates to going out for a $1 ice cream. He didn't even contribute half. Plus I always had to pick him up.
What I did was really think about what I wanted. And that wasn't it.
Not even giving you a birthday present (or card!) and dictating YOUR wedding is just plain unacceptable. It's your day to shine too.
I'm just going to say one thing: he won't change. And if you get married, it could only get worse. A relationship is like a "trial version" of what you will get when you're married and his actions are a huge red flag.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Something is wrong here but it's not obvious what exactly. You need to speak with him. Acknowledgement of birthdays is important, whatever amount of money you are able to spend on a gift is fine, a homemade gift is fine if that is all that he can afford. These things are signs of love, markers of memories and of passages in a relationship.
You need to figure out why he is doing this and stop paying for him all of the time, or you will be very unhappy and you will be helping to finance him spending money on himself and his daughter while you're totally neglected in that department. Tell him how it makes you feel and see what he says.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Your BF sounds like my first husband. No gifts ever. not even a card on my birthday or mother's day. It got worse after we married and I stayed home to raise our children and had no income. He would not give me money for anything. He told me "you don't need a new winter coat you had one when we got married"... my mother took to giving me money so I could take her grandchildren to McDonalds or something once in a while...
Now I am with a man who makes over 20K less than I do... who spoils me rotten with love and gifts and caring acts. I spoil him right back. We plan to live together very soon (right now we are in a LDR)and have already pooled our resources... I am also much older than he is (51 to 38)
You said your BF bought his daughter a phone... how old is she? (I do not want to assume she is a minor still receiving child support she could be 18 or older) and that will make a difference concerning how he chooses to spend money on his child vs on you.... or himself... my children are well over 18 (although one is emotionally disabled so he's very much in my life on a more regular (and needy) basis than "normal" adult children
Talking finances is tough... it has to be done... and you have to have that all worked out before marriage. My BF and I are doing finances this weekend... and we will combine his and mine and have OURS... to me personally that's the mark of a committed relationship...
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (21 July 2011):
 i'll be honest with you - when i read the title of your question i thought 'oh my, who's this spoilt little princess?' but on reading further i agree with you! no birthday present is really hurtful, having you pay for his share of the meal with your friends is shameful, i can sort of understand his concerns about the cost of the wedding but this descision should be down to both of you, not just him! weddings can cost ridiculous amounts of money but i am sure you will be a sensible girl. ditto for the engagement ring. lets not forget, you wedding *should* be a once in a lifetime thing.
you cannot really begrudge what he spends on his daughter, but he manages to buy stuff for himself, preferable to buying stuff for you. but he always promises you stuff - that makes it worse, he gets your hopes up and then disappoints you.
so you earn more than him? and he keeps his finances to himself? be careful coz he sounds like he is happy for you to fund him. why does he spend money on you? it is either coz he is tight, overly careful or he can't afford it - and if he can't afford it you need to know why. where is his money going? do not marry him until you find out the answer to this question
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): In your question, you mention that he calls to say he loves you, but not once do you mention that you love or care about him. You focus solely on money, yourself, and how you feel because he spends money on his daughter but doesn't spend money on you.
A relationship is about compromise and understanding. It seems like both of you may have different expectations regarding your relationship. You are focusing on yourself, and he is focusing on his daughter.
Are you two truly in love, or are you simply staying together because being in a relationship is more comfortable than the unknowns that you will face if it ends?
Are you sure he wants to marry again? He may prefer a relationship with a financially independent woman simply because of how the divorce affected his financial stability. He may not want to spend money on you (including an engagement ring) because he sees all the money he spent on his ex wife as a 'waste,' and he simply isn't confident enough to spend money on women generally, or he isn't confident your relationship will be 'til death do us part,' and he wants to spend money on his daughter who will be a part of his family even if his relationship with you ends.
You need to have a good, open, honest conversation about your relationship and expectations. If he continues to make excuses and refuses to compromise, you need to decide what is best for you long-term and act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 July 2011):
 I do not think it is really the "thing" that would be purchased/given that really matters to you.
I think you are looking for meaning and acknoweldgement as his current partner. You want to feel special.
That is normal. Is he showing you that you are special, meaningful and valued with OTHER "gifts"? Time, affections, acts of kindness, etc. If he is tight with these things as well, then you are always going to feel like you are less important.
He may overcompensate his daughter with more lavish gifts out of guilt/to reassure his place in her life. My ex does it all the time with our kids and it is crazy. He is stingy with everyone else in his life except them.
As others have mentioned, you need to talk to him about it.
If this is a first marriage for you, you should have the wedding YOU want too! Ring, flowers, whatever you want to feel special about celebrating a marriage.
But what you have sounds more like a business arrangment. Your bf/financee may have already fallen into a rut/habit of how he manages his finances. He may feel that you have already accepted him for where he is and how he lives.
If you have'nt then you need to stop with the talk of marriage with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): My current boyfriend is the complete opposite and spoils me rotten and let me tell you this- I am definatly a very happy woman in my relationship.
My last boyfriend was seriously tight fisted, never bought me anything ever, not even a birthday card, never flowers, never took me anywere and I ended up feelin resentfull for it. I couldn't stand the site of him in the end because my attraction to him was eventuallu shadowed by his tight fisted ways.
Rhe point I'm making is every woman loves to be showered with gifts once in a while, every woman likes the odd bunch of flowers just to know she's appreciated. Don't get me wrong I pay too but now that I have a man who knows how to treata woman I would never go back and settle for anything less.
What I suggest you do (if you intend to stay with him) is take some action. If he suggests eating out, tell him he's paying halves atleast! If he wants to tag along to your family meals tell him beforehand he has to put his hand in his pocket. If he won't then he doesn't have to go- but if he wants a social life then he needs to start paying his way. You should not be expected to pay for his meals etc
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 I have a strong dislike for tightwads so it's not as I want to defend this guy at any cost, but... are you sure he could afford the kind of things you want ? You say he went through tough times financially, and he may not be fully back on his feet. You don't mention him being a particularly successful businessman or entrepreneur, or a high ranking executive... I have no idea what this guy does, but if he gets ,say,an average salary as an employee of some company or organization,well... dining out, vacations, flowers , engagement rings are EXPENSIVE. The average Joe, after he has paid for his own bills ,food,clothing , rent, car, and in this case child support, may not be left with a lot of disposable income, - and he may want to save what he's left with for a rainy day rather than spending it in voluptuary purchases, without necessarily deserving the accusation of being a cheapskate. In the current economy, the line between "prudent" and "tight with money " is fine and becoming finer.
I get your point, if he did not spend- or squander, in your opinion,- so much cash on his daughter , THEN he'd have that extra bit to pamper you.
Alas, in many cases this is a lost battle , and one that stepmoms or future stepmoms , don't even understand why they are losing. To make it short - because that's the way it is, - love or guilt, kids come first. A divorced dad will nearly always get more of a kick indulging his kid and having her/him squeal with joy, than doing the same for his current partner.
You don't have to like it, and you don't have to lump it if you don't want , you just have - like the boyscouts- to be prepared ...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 This simple question leads to bigger ones in the future. If he can't buy you a $200 necklace, do you think he would want more kids with you and spend gifts on them too? A stingy man calculates and tests how much or how little he has to give to get your love. If you are satisfied with him giving the minimum to keep you by his side, he will be happy. Clearly you are tired of bargaining and when love becomes a bargaining it's ugly. Money is a reality though. Start listing what your expectations (such as how many kids you want to have, what house do you want to live in) are for your marriage life. Think privately yourself. What matters most. Can you live without a man who wooes you with gifts. Can love still be real without spending money. I think the only way to shift your mindset is to think of as many non financial ways of expressing love. Cook at home as much as possible. Read cynical posts about the artificial commercialism in the world. Think of his daughter as special, that only kids gets gifts because kids are kids. When we are adults we outgrow those needs. Kids are our hope and our future. We invest in them. But relationships, nah. They don't work 50% of the time and men are usually the ones who have to pay for the divorce and support.
I myself like gifts too, but trying to fit him in your mold is not going to help if you want to remain in this relationship. Be careful handling the money conversation because the more you talk about this, the more he's going to say why don't you find a rich man. If you don't talk about it then you bottle it up and become resentful. You are still young. Are you sure you are ready to settle and resist temptations from richer guys?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Short answer: no. Are you sure he isn't just tight?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (21 July 2011):
There are two options:
#1. Talk to him about it
#2. Do something about it
1. Really sit down with him and tell him what's bothering you. I would suggest not to accuse him straight out because he'll get defensive. It could be that he views his money as his own, as in, what he gets to spend on himself and that because you make more than he does, that he should be allowed to spend more on himself and daughter than on you.
However, since you have been helping him financially you can point out that you're not planning on contributing if he's going to spend it all on expensive gifts for his daughter and stuff for himself. If he's able to buy that, he should be able to stand on his own and contribute at dinner and such.
Now, when talking to what he spends on his daughter, be careful. Parents tend to spend lots of money on their children, much more than on themselves. So tell him that you know she deserves the best, but that you're concerned about the amount of money he spends on expensive gifts for [insert name daughter] and for himself when he's struggling financially. Anyway, the risk of all this is having it blow up in your face, so if you take this approach be as tactful as you can be.
2. Simply stop being the one paying for everything. When he talks about dinner, ask him "are you buying?" If he declines, decline the offer or ask to make it 50/50. Don't take your wallet with you for dinner (or take it with you but pretend to have forgotten it) once in a while so he understand what it's like having to pay for it all. Spend more money on yourself and on things you'd like to have--after all, that's what he's been doing with his money. Stop offering to pay for stuff. Spend as much money on him as he does on you. He should take notice after a while.
Finances are always a touchy subject and I would have a good talk with him so you're both on the same wavelength before you get married. Tell him simply that things have to be fair in perspective. By that I mean that you should both spend about the same amount in PERCENTAGE on each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): I'm amazed you've lasted so long in this relationship. I definatly take your side in this as I would never even consider spending my life with a man like this.
He is completly selfish, no romance in him whatsoever. I've heard about marriages like this, these men don't change. He needs to stop being so tight fisted and he needs to stop relying on you for money. He has responsibilties, if he wants a social life then he contributes at the very least.
Personally I don't see any hope because he is likely to stay this way and you will end up resenting him for being so selfish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Ok, I'm going to be honest here, you sound like you are jealous of the daughter. Let's get one thing straight; his daughter is always going to come first, and so she should. He is responsible for her in a way that he will never be with you snd should never be! He may also have aguilt complex as he is not with her as much as he likes, as he is separated from the mother. This does have an enormous affect on kids so it is okay in a way that he over-compensates. Listen, this is really important, if you are jealous of his daughter he will hate you for it and you will drive him away, so stop it. I hope you understand this.
Secondly, I dont think anyone has the right to expect gifts. Your bf has made it clear that he is not that sort of guy so you will need to get over it. He is obviously just not generous in that departnment, that is not necessarily a bad thing. From the way you have described your relationship it sounds healthy and that this is the only problem. And if that is your only problem then what I would do if I was you is get over it, cos to be honest you sound like a bit of a jealous primadonna/princess type to me (sorry, but I am being honest and this is my opinion).
My bf is tight too. He is not as tight as youer bf, he does treat me to meals a bit more and sometimes treats me to gifts, like shoes, dresses etc, but not often. But I dont care, because I love him, I choose to focus on his other qualities which are many, because I am an independent woman with my own money and if I want treating I do it myself and because my bf is tight he menaged to save £20,000 in two years.
Honestly honey, lots of relationships have real problems and this isn't one of them.
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