A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right then, I have a major problem (well, it's major in my eyes...)Anyway, I'm seventeen and I have MAJOR commitment problems! A load of people find this surprising since I'm a girl, but I just hate being tied down!I've had four boyfriends since I was thirteen, the longest lasted four months (first relationship) and the shortest was 1 month (latest relationship).I'm currently single and just broke off my latest relationship.I don't know why but every one of my boyfriends has said they're falling in love with me which most girls would kill to hear, but every time I've heard it, I've bolted and broken off the relationship.I'm not sure why they're saying it but in a nut-shell I am:Funny with a good sense of humour (when I say good I mean I can relate to boy humour)Low maintenence in a relationshipNot clingyI don't make mountains out of molehills (if a boyfriend teases me I laugh at it when other girls would take offense)Athletic/sporty (Don't mind getting muddy or doing paintball or 'boysports')I like to think I'm pretty. I'm 5'7.5", 119 pounds, long blonde hair, amber eyesAnyway, whether it's the kind of boy I'm picking up or me in general, I just CAN'T COMMIT!It's driving me crazy and I'm kinda scared that I won't get married or have kids because I run away from commitment.I think it's coz the boyfriends are rushing it and are saying 'I love you' too quickly which makes me feel trapped. I'm naturally a free spirit since my parents are as well and have adventurous jobs.Dad flies jets as a naval aviator out in Afghanistan (totally Top Gun I know, but anyway...) and Mum has done bits and bobs like living in Auzzieland for three months, New Zealand for six months, and basically travelled all over adventuring, hang gliding and SCUBA, and rock climbing etc.Anyway, I think I've picked up their traits of not liking to be tied down.Like every other girl I've dreamed about the perfect guy and getting married and having kids, but I'm scared this won't happen.Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get over this?? A lot of girls have boyfriends they love/adore or want to have boyfriends they can love/adore when I want to run away!Much appreciation for reading this.
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female
reader, jstdunno  +, writes (18 August 2009):
Your 17 , why would you want to commit. Have fun , like life. Do you really think those boys loved you and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you? Of course not.In our culture the l-word is something we;re expected to say , especially boys because they are taught that that's what girls want to hear. When in fact most of us can tell the difference.I don't think a man has to propose for you to know he's serious, you'll know when you meet the right man it's all in their actions not their words. But no 17 year old is in a position to commit. It would be like asking you to decide what your favourite country is and told you could never change your decision. You've probably not been to many and some day you'll go to Xland and think damn why did I pick Costa Rico this is so much prettier! And try not to stereotype . I know society does but all girls are not looking for a husband at 17 and not all boys will hump a hole in the ground. You have a lot to learn.Have a great life and don't waste it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I don't see at your young age why you would be wanting to commit either to a young man who is telling you he loves you so quickly. Young men will say anything, I mean anything to get into your pants, so to have your guard up at these early relationship stages tells me you are smart and have good instincts.
I think you are worrying over nothing. You will want to settle down and have kids when you are ready and not before the right man for you comes along.
I say go out and enjoy being young and single and live some adventures of your own. You can tell the guys you date that you are not wanting to be a girlfriend because quite frankly it is a trap. A guy is more than happy to take you off the market to keep you all to himself, but he may be no where near ready to marry and settle down with you, so why would you want to close your heart off to other men. How are you going to find the one who is man enough to step up and claim you as the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life. This is not a declaration of I love you, but I want to marry you and here is a ring and let's set a date. Men don't see commitment and the path to it the same way we women do. We see events as signposts that he is following our dream to happily ever after. He doesn't, he sees them as simply moments in time that he has spent with you and sees you as someone he is just dating. If and until he steps up and claims you, you are in a girlfriend trap.....that is the truth.
So you can handle it by dating several men at once, you can be sexually exclusive with one, the one you want to be the one, and give him as much time as he needs to claim you, but you will keep your heart open to other men if you want to because your heart belongs to you, you are strong on the inside and soft and vulnerable on the outside, that is how you protect your heart without building huge walls around it.....
Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): 1. You are too young to be worrying about "commitment" issues.
2. If you do grow up to have commitment issues, my guess would be that it relates to the fact that your parents sound like they were too busy being action figurines to play proper parental roles and provide the emotional nurturing that grooms their children for healthy emotional relationships when they grow up. As a result of that I have no doubt that you go for boys who appear to present a challenge or seem aloof, and that you are keen until they announce their undying devotion and then you can't get away fast enough.
3. When you get older and do get involved in serious relationships, they will probably be with self-centred men who care more about themselves than they do about you, just like your parents.
4. How do you get over it? No idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): You probably just haven't found the right guy yet. I was exactly like you. Pretty, smart, had plenty of boys after me. I even have had the guy everyone agrees is the hottest in the whole school desperately pursuing me and I STILL wasn't interested in commitment! I had dumped a ton of guys for getting attached and whatnot. HATED commitment. Then I met someone special, not even someone particularly distant or unclingy and everything changed (there was just something about him that really appealed to me). Commitment came easy and we're still going strong months and months later. I think you and I are just being smart. Not letting your guards down until you find someone truly special and right for you. Think of it this way. You're protecting your heart from being broken. It's not smart to commit to someone who's wrong for you just for the sake of committing or being in a relationship. I wouldn't worry about it yet. You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone.
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A
female
reader, Jen, +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Wow what a story.
well first of all you need to stop feeling like your being tied down, because your only in a relationship with a boy who you might eventually marry.
It's OK to be scared of feel like you can't commit. But you've had 4 boyfriends and the longest has been 4 months? The thing is that you can't keep running away. It's not fair to the boy or to yourself in that case.
Remember every boy you've gone out with has had their heart broken. Would you like to be in the same position?
If you really want to stay with a boy longer than 4 months then do things together. Don't just talk go out have fun. That way you keep the spark going on. Don't think that he's going to to be the only guy in the world that you go out with.
Besides your 17. Your still young. Enjoy life being single before you commit.
Good Luck. x
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Aww babe your 17! When you find the right guy you will want to stay with them and its not about being tied down you can be with someone you love and still have freedom. Its all about striking a balance. But PLEASE don't worry about it you are so young. I am like you but older im 24, 6foot tall with dark red hair, blue eyes, 128 pounds and legs that go on forever ( i am rarely short of offers) I play guitar and x box im happy to run around and get messy and most of my friends are guys. But i am a free spirit. Until recently i never envisioned myself settling down until i fell in love with my best friend (unfortunately its kind of messed up). But if i wanted to do something or he wanted to go somewhere i would never have stopped him and i know he was the same with me. You will realise that life is not about "settling down" you can have a sucsessful relationship with out living in each others pockets. But right now your 17!! go and have some fun. x
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