A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married with 3 children. My husband and i have been together for 10 years. Last year he started a new job which meant he had to spend a lot of time away from home. Meanwhile i was pregnant with our 3rd child, running a business and moving house. He became more and more distant when he retuned home. He would spend as much time away from me and the children as he could without appology or explanation. He eventually left and said he didn't love me any more. I thought i would die for the first few months. It was difficult with the new baby, the kids and no maternity leave but i coped and enjoyed my life. Then after 6 months of being separated he said he had made a mistake and wanted to try again. He admitted that he had formed a relationship with someone but still maintains that they did not have sex. Any way i didn't want him back but i was lonely and eventually after another 4 months of separation i agreed to give it another try. But i'm not happy. I was happier when i was on my own. The kids on the other hand are doing much better having more regular and consistent contact with him. I just don't know if i don't have time for him anymore or if i've become very selfish whilst living on my own or if its just a case of not being able to forgive and forget. I feel so angry that he got to go out spend a fortune and see other people and then walk back in to our lives and i didn't see anyone. There was someone that i liked a lot but it never came to anything as he knew my husband and i regret that i didn't go out with him. I still think about him a lot. In any event i feel trapped and scared because if we separate again it will be at my request and the kids will suffer badly. Also what if I've got it wrong and I really do love him? What will I do then? Can someone help me please?
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female
reader, llusting4him  +, writes (30 April 2007):
well done you for coping and not falling apart when most people wud have look how strong you are you didnt break down and say i cant cope you stood tall and said im not goin 2 fall apart you've already proved you can cope on ur own ur stronger than you think look at all the things you were juggling while ur husband(& i use the term loosley)was coping with a mare job change & cudnt handle it wat happens when he decides he cant handle it again i understand you love ur kids and dont want to hurt them but ur unhappiness will affect them if ur happy there lives will be better ur husband walked out on all of you not caring 4 any of your feelings dont let him hurt you all again stop it before the kids really become affected they can be very happy wit out mom & dad livivg together as long as they no they are loved which they obviously are don't forsake ur own happiness for a man who walked out on u when u were raising his kids and caring his unborn child u deserve more respect & love than that good luck you deserve it i wish u a life time of happiness whatever ur decision
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): I am kinda having the same issue but my husband has never left he just doesn't live with us and theres this guy who is closer to my age that I am very interested in i have to admit I have kissed him if it wasn't for my phone ringing I am afraid that I might have done something that I would so regret
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (30 April 2007):
I agree with everyone who has replied. I think you are phenomenal to manage with three children, deal with yourself and a new born and find some solace and that you know you were happier without him. Ask him for a divorce and tell him to stop pissing you and the kids about. He's had way too many chances. Children are unbelievably resiliant and do understand what they see. I think you are marvellous! You've given me hope and I've been divorced 3 years that I can pick up my life without always thinking of the past. Go and get some papers delivered to him at work. I knew someone exactly the same in the UK with three kids, the husband kept coming back and forth all the time. One day her son said, when are you and Daddy just going to make a decision we are fed up of him being there and then not and we know he has hurt you so why are you putting up with it, you always tell me not to put up with bullies at school. I hope that gives you some perspective.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (29 April 2007):
 You have said you are not happy with him and preferred it when you were on your own with your kids. That is your answer! He left you when you were either heavily pregnant or just had your new child. You said he became more and more distant when he returned home and spent as much time as he could away from you and the children, all typical symptoms of a man cheating on his wife. The only selfish person here is HIM! He leaves you and you pick up the pieces, yes you were devastated but hey, you got yourself together again, and felt better off without him in the longrun. His affair ends and what does he do? He comes running back to you, easier to do that than rough it the way you did and find somewhere else.
I say get rid!!! You are not happy but guilt is keeping you with him because of the kids. Kids are very resiliant, they'll be fine! They will pick up that you are unhappy and they'll sense the tension between you both. It's much healthier for them to be brought up in a home where they can be happy and see mum happy too. He can still see them of course so they'll still have contact with him.
We all want someone we can love and who will love us back in return and yes lonliness can set in but you need to keep a positive attitude. Get in touch with your male friend again and even confide in him and let him know how unhappy you are. If you don't you'll always wonder what would have happened with him and if you ever would have gotten together. I don't think you do love your husband though, if you did you would never feel the way you do, unhappy, unsatisfied, never having time for him now, WANTING to be on your own. That doesn't sound very much like someone in love to me, does it to you?
If you do decide to leave him then you will look back at this period in your life years from now and KNOW you made the right decision. You will feel far more assertive, confident, happier and at one with yourself, your kids will see that in you and will only thrive! You may even meet someone who WILL love and cherish you (and the kids). You deserve far far better, don't you think?
Eve
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A
female
reader, beautifulllove  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 i wish you all the luck and for him to say i dont love you anymore and then come back it gots to be hard im sorry if i seem mean i dont mean to i just seen my sister go thru it and i say just dump him where he stands and say hey i dont love you anymore and leave or make him leave and do what you think is right good luck xoxo
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A
female
reader, beautifulllove +, writes (29 April 2007):
the answer isnt something we can give no mater how much you want it the answer is inside you and if you love him than you need to forgive but never forget and it is hard to forgive but i say this and not trien to be mean i think your husban is full of it he probley was cheating on you but you did take him back so what is it saying to him if he gets the chance to do it again? he can! your kids are important but listen you dont need to hurt them anymore if you let this go on in between you and your husban any longer than it has it's really going to take a toll on your kids and you not knowing isnt a good sigh. i dont want you to hurt or your kids but put it this way.he frist hurt you and has hadfun with some other ladie and then hurt your kids on top of it them not understanding were daddy is and then for him to come back and 4 months or not you take him back after how sure are you he was thinking about you for those 6 months?
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (28 April 2007):
 You know, that is a difficult cross to bear being a mother. ..What burns me up is how men will come and go without even blinking, or for even a thought for his children's well-being. If your not happy you have to speak up! I know the reason people come to this site is to avoid that but that is the best course of action. If you CAN make it on your own...and your not happy then, what are you waiting for? You can have shared custody, just try to live as close as you can. If you don't leave, the risk is keeping yourself open for him to walk out on you and the kids again which is twice as worse then you leaving on your own resolve. There is nothing wrong with showing him that you have respect for yourself and your kids, and show him that you won't let yourself be hurt or unhappy again.
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