A
male
age
51-59,
*marko
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up last week. We had been dating for a year. The first 6 months were great and we never fought. The last 6 months have been turbulent with episodes of fights and making up almost on a monthly basis. The periods between the fights were amazing...we seemed to have such a connection. I'm 40, never been married although I was engaged 5 years ago. She is 32, divorced with two kids, 9 and 7 years old. She shares custody of the kids with her ex. She also has a roommate.She has been in bad relationships before. Whenever an issue arose in our relationship she would run. I'd chase her, apologize, and we would make up. She never accepted responsibility for things she did to contribute to our problems. When we would have a fight she would tell me I was acting crazy and she can't deal with it and would block me on her phone. The only means of communication would be email.She works hard but doesn't earn a lot of money. She is always behind on her bills. I've assisted her in the past. When her kids wanted a dog I offered to help. I paid for everything for the dog. The costs of the dog and providing her financial assistance were a huge strain on me. The dog was supposed to be for her and the kids but I became its primary caregiver...not out of choice but due to necessity. Because of her living situation and schedule we hardly had time to spend an evening alone. When she didn't have the kids she would make plans to go with her friends on week nights and be out drinking all night crashing at her friend's place. I resented being left alone with a dog I didn't want. We fought many times over it. I told her I never stopped her from seeing her friends. I just wanted alone time with her because we hardly ever get it. I was invited to a birthday that took place two Saturday's ago. I asked her to come with me. She agreed. I found out a few days prior to the party that she was going to another birthday that evening too. She told me she would come with me and then we could go together to the other party. That day she tells me she is busy and will have to meet me there. She comes to the party, stays for almost 2 hours and leaves. I walked her out and said I'll be home around 11:30 and I asked her to just home to me later. She said she would. Well she came home to me at 4 AM totally wasted. I was upset she was out so late and chose to drive in that condition. In bed I touched her intimately and she got upset, got dressed and left. I woke up the next morning to discover my door was not completely closed. We were in a bitter cold snap and my heat was running the entire time she left. We didn't see each other the day and only for a hour the following day. She was distant. The next day she tells me she was tired and she and the kids were going to bed early. I asked if I would see her the next day and she said of course. The next comes and there was almost no contact through out the day. When she did contact me via text she told me she was going out with girls. This was in the middle of a snow storm. I asked what was wrong and noticed she had been distant lately. She said money and stress from work. I told her she was pushing me aside again and that there was no need to go out drinking during a snow storm when she should be home safely with me. No response. I texted her a few times and got no response. The next day I was furious and lost my cool. When she finally contacted me again I went overboard and told her I wanted her out of my life. I know I shouldn't have said it but I was upset. She had done it to me numerous times. She came and got the dog and told me she was giving the dog away. I was even more upset and tried to talk to her. She threatened to call the police on me. I've since been blocked on her phone and on facebook. I contacted her via email and said I was concerned for her. I said I noticed what could be self destructive behavior and I thought she should see a therapist. Her response was full of hate and anger. I get it she is still upset with me. She refuses to talk to me. We have things we need to exchange as well.While we were together the moments we shared were truly amazing. We had the time of our lives. Yeah she could be crappy and it would bother me but I didn't act on it. I never abused her emotionally or physically. We talked about moving in together in the spring. She would tell me how scared she was because of how much she and her kids loved me. We had a great thing going.What I don't understand is why would she have sabotaged this relationship? Why is going out drinking with her friends more important than spending time alone with me. Why does she completely shut down whenever there is a dispute. Am I wrong to feel hurt?
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male
reader, gmarko +, writes (4 February 2011):
gmarko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies. It has definitely helped. To answer/clarify some of the questions: She's been divorced for 6 years. She was physically beaten by a boyfriend when she was younger. She married because she was pregnant. In her last relationship, after the divorce, she was kicked out and was homeless for a couple months. Her father is/was an alcoholic and was emotionally abusive. She has told me she never cheated on me. It's been a week now and while this is still difficult I'm learning. I've had issues of my own stemming from my childhood. I saw a therapist to work on them and the transformation was incredible. I was healed so to speak when I met her. Family issues flared up again and I went back to my therapist. I took on a lot of blame in this relationship thinking it was all due to my issues.Her and I had a few email exchanges. She was not receptive to the idea of seeking help and said I was not qualified so I shouldn't speak. I told her I had legit concerns that her drinking is putting her and her kids lives in danger. I told her how sad it was she would chose drinking over the chance of lifetime happiness with me. She said she was tired of the mean words and doesn't hate me and wants to be friends, I reached out to a friend and he confided he is a recovering alcoholic. He acted in many ways similar to her. He told me alcoholism is a disease and not to take the behavior personally. He told me she has to reach bottom and I can't control her drinking. I'd have to be supportive and understanding.Since that conversation I'd done a lot of research on alcoholism. The signs are all there. Furthermore, I was getting sucked into it too and we would drink excessively together. I was an enabler and was always grabbing beer for us. My email about the drinking wasn't the right approach...I know this now.I emailed her yesterday saying I love her more than she will ever know or allow herself to admit. I told her there are things about us that drive us that we don't understand. I also said it drove me crazy at times and made me think our love wasn't real. I told her it's taken me awhile to get here but I understand it now. I also reminded her that I wouldn't leave her and that I wasn't going anywhere. She hasn't responded yet. The good news is she has removed the block on her phone (I sent a "Good Morning Sunshine!:) text) and on Facebook (although we still aren't friends). I am trying to make arrangements to see her in public for coffee or breakfast so we can exchange some items. I understand it now that she is a very delicate flower. It's why any issue between us was way too much for her to handle. She is projected her past onto me and confusing me with the abusers in her past. Running and drinking soothe her pain. I do love her and only want her to be happy. While I can't force her to seek help I pray she comes to this conclusion on her own. Wish her and me luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): I've been that woman. I've had men left and right tell me that they've found someone else while dating me and that they were leaving me for that person. I've also had a man tell me how much he loved me and then went and fooled around behind my back and then argue to the point of not trusting him because I questioned him about this other girl he so foolishly was having an affair with.
When I was younger, I had a cousin tease me immensely and telling other girls in class that I was sleeping around with other men. When I retaliated back, I got scolded for being mean to this cousin. I was told that I should know better than to fight back.
When I was a teen, I had an uncle who was more interested in me in other ways than how an uncle should feel. I never told anyone and kept it to myself.
In each and everyone of us is the energy to fight back when we're wronged, however, I've been scolded one too many times to fight back because I was either scolded with a belt or told to go to my room or told to shut up. My younger siblings were given the okay to fight or do as they pleased, but when it came to me, I was always scolded. With all this...it's a wonder why I would ever believe anyone...especially a man...would love me as I am. Would love me for who I am. Would find me attractive. Someone who would want to hear my voice...my thoughts...my opinions....why I would want to fight back. I hated the fact that my parents never allowed me to fight back. I hated that I couldn't say what I wanted to say with conviction. I am a human being just like everyone else.
Now back to you...she probably went through something similar like I did. It may be a bit worse than what I went through or it may be less...whatever it was...it was emotional. She probably doesn't like herself that much or finds herself not worthy of any man. I believe, that inside her, she is crying and probably dying inside because sheh just lost the man who loves her for who she is. You loved her enough and loved her kids and even her dog and even took her in one too many times. I think, she most likely needs to seek therapy, and this is somehting that she needs to do willfully because if she doesn't then this cycle will continue on. You can't do it for her. You can't make her "well" because she needs to find it inside of her to want to make that change. I know this, because I am also in a relationship with a man who sees this and wants to help me be the person I should and ought to be. He has been nothing but loving and patient and he wants to stick around and help me through this. It does take a lot out of you if you were to do it. I think part of it for me is that sometimes I wonder why does this beautiful man love me. You know, I went on FB and my beautiful man had announced to the world that we were getting married. That one cousin who teased me when we were young at age posted a question saying "Who in the world would want to marry you?" I didn't answer her, however, I should have said something like "A man who's passionately and immensely in love with me. That's who!!!" As you can see, that woman never grew up. I think, because of my rough patch journey, I've learned more about compassion and kindness than most at the tender age of 20. As I grew older, I've learned that I am a wonderful person. It took years to realize that. My mother, now and then, tells me I'm not pretty or I'm ugly. Think of it this way, you gave this woman a piece of hope and love. I'm sure she felt it deep in her and is afraid because maybe she's never known love like yours. Have compassion for her and her kids. Don't ever change you. You are a good person. Maybe you were meant to be in her life at that specific time and it's time for her to move on. I don't know. But remember, you are a diamond in the rough...keep shining that love of yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This was really sad to read because it's obvious you love her a lot and you want to help her. Perhaps you have never abused her emotional or physically but she acts like some one who has gone through this. (You don't know what her kids have been through either...) She probably operates under the belief that no one will ever really love her. She probably asks her self all the time why anyone really should really want to stick around with her given her messy life, being a single mom, and her struggling financially. I'm not trying to apologize for her, but in a sense she sounds like a really damaged indiviual, behaving like a teenager, not an adult. When you blew up at her, she probably felt it was proof that you didn't love her, a thought she had been trying to prove to herself her own time. She probably prefers the certainty of her fear and pessimism rather than taking an emotional risk with you. And like you said, she didn't take responsibility for her role in making you upset. She lacks empathy.Willful sabatoge? I doubt it. Does she have attachment issue and problems with intimacy? Obviously.I don't think you are going to be the one to save her either. If she can't communicate her feelings, even her feelings of ambivalence, then you can't have a relationship with her. All that said, I think she may have come home late at 4AM drunk, treated you the way she did, and even severed the relationship so suddenly because she cheated that night. Perhaps she cheated, felt guilty, and decided "she didn't deserve you." She probably didn't want to have to deal with the confession. Emotionally, she is a coward, but she's the only one who can do anything about it. You can't. I guess you could wonder if this was sabatoge or not, but you'de probably drive yourself crazy. I think you should give up and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): ***When she finally contacted me again I went overboard and told her I wanted her out of my life. I know I shouldn't have said it but I was upset.***
Why not?
This woman is the poster child for borderline personality disorder.
Buy a book called "I hate you...please don't leave me".
It will set you straight
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Hello,
What kind of "bad relationships?" I'm guessing emotional, maybe physical abusive relationships prior to you.
It seems as though her drinking and avoiding you is a temporary escape so she doesn't need to deal with things, drinking makes her "numb" so she doesn't need to feel the "hurt".
If u want to save this relationship, suggest she goes to therapy, if need being and she's scared of going, then say you'll go to support her with the first couple visits til she feels comfy.
She can't spend her life "running" from problems as she's done. She needs to rectify them and move forward. Drinking excessively only does more damage to all involved.
Good luck
:-)
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You can never be wrong on how you feel. You feel neglected because she is a girlfriend and a mother and when she is not spending time with the kids she is choosing to spend time with the girls instead of you. In a relationship it has to be 50/50 in order for it to work and if only one person is giving in his or her half the relationship will be destine to end sooner or later. Give it time and my suggestion is for you to let her go. She is not in the same page right now, your looking for a stable, only the two of you relationship,staying at home watching tv and cuddleing. She is newly divorce so is looking to grow and have fun as a women. She maybe got involve to quick after the break up and now wants to have a taste of her freedom and your standing in her path. I wish you luck and I hope my advise was helpful.
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A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (2 February 2011):
I don't think that it really has anything to do with you. I hate to say it but it almost sounds like she has a bit of bipolar tendencies.
I think that she really needs to work on herself before she is ready for a relationship. While you sound like the type that wants to fix things, it isn't your job. That is on her. All you can do is be a caring and understanding friend to her right now. But don't let yourself become a doormat either. Their are boundries in every relationship.
Don't take it personally how she is being towards you. You really do sound like a very nice person. She just has more problems than you probably realize.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, openmindedandinlove +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Hope I can speak freely. In my opinion...RUN! This woman is not your soulmate. Take a little time to center yourself and put all thoughts of trying to reconcile with her out of your mind. Focus on you and curb any thoughts that do not serve you well. Once you feel you are back to being just fine without a woman in your life, start dating again and pay attention to your inner voice. Let it guide you to your soulmate. You will be much happier! Any relationship that is on again, off again, is not healthy and both of you are not with your appropriate mate. Let her go...let yourself go...move ahead with optimism and self confidence that you deserve so much more. Most importantly, believe you will find her without a doubt. Once you truly believe it, you will see it!
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