A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last year I moved to a new country and met a man whom I really liked and dated for about 4 months. During those 4 months, I had caught him sending 'flirty/sexy' text messages to other women and had confronted him. He apologised but then I found out that he was actually meeting some of these women for coffee/drives in his car while I wasn't around. I became very angry and he also lost his patience with me (as he realised I had gone through his phone/emails) and we left each other. I then sent him a msg to apologise for invading his privacy and he wanted to start meeting me again. I declined. After not seeing each other for some time, we ended up meeting again and started having sex (this situation went on for some time)Needless to say, I wasn't happy with this situation and cut contact with him again. I stopped replying to his texts and stopped taking his calls. After another two months of him trying to reach me, he texted me to tell me that he received bad news and wanted to talk. To cut a story short, we met up, he told me about his dad's cancer and that he missed me a lot. I told him that I had moved on (started dating another man) and that I'm happy with my life and that I have no intention of getting back with him. Despite saying this, I ended up having sex that night with him. We missed each other tremendously and he told me that he's sorry for what he did to me and that he wanted a woman who could challenge him (and at the time he felt that I wasn't up to that as I had just moved to a new country and was still adapting)After that meeting with him(3 weeks ago), he texted me just once telling me that he wishes to see more of me. Now I'm out of the country (as I underwent a minor operation last week) and he didn't even text/call to check about me. However, he emailed me two days ago to say he was missing me and he asked me how I'm doing. I replied that the operation went well and he told me that he looks forward to seeing me again.I think this man is still in touch with this woman (whom he was meeting while still with me) and I know for a fact she's single (as me and her have mutual friends) so why doesn't he date her and leave me alone? How do I stop caring for him? How do I stop comparing myself to this woman (whom he was meeting behind my back)? What is this 'connection' that he always claims that me and him have? This 'connection' which always brings us together? Is it just sex for him? (I know he can get sex from other women so I hate to think he likes me for the sex) Am I blinded by this? or what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): "so why doesn't he date her and leave me alone?"
From what you have described I think it is just for the sex- as long as you and the other women keep having sex with him he will keep coming back for more without having to have any real relationship with either of you.
So you have to stop having sex with him and stop cheating on the other guy- I assume he is not aware of this? Was the first one exclusive with you when he was messaging and meeting other women? If so, just dump him and forget about the whole thing.
This is a really unhealthy situation overall that you have put yourself into. So just stop having sex with him, there doesn't seem to be much more to your relationship anyway? If you think you can do it- as a test, tell him next time you want to spend time with him but NO sex. See if there is really anything more to you two than that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I am the poster of this question.
Denise32, yes me and my ex had agreed to an exclusive relationship. We had both agreed to stop dating other people once we became intimate. I was loyal and faithful to him but he didn't keep our promise (of exclusivity).
He said that he was just 'passing time' with these women but sending sexual messages to other women constitutes 'cheating' to me.
I haven't talked of any exclusivity with the (new) man I'm seeing because it's still very early so he doesn't 'fit' in any of this.
I do have strong feelings for my ex but I can't trust him (as he lied before about meeting women) so I don't think it will ever work out. Also, he doesn't seem to be doing his part (he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend again, he seems happy meeting me every now and then) so getting back together with him doesn't seem to be an option.
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A
female
reader, RealGirlNextDoor  +, writes (17 February 2011):
I'm not sure what he's looking for, but it seems as though he "needs" you when it is convinient to him. Also, as Denise32 said, yo are't being to clear on your intentions, and that canonly lead to confusions. If you are no longer interested and want to move on, then do so and tell him clearly. If you would lke to try to hae something more stable then tell him this is what you want and that you will not accept anything else.In my opinion I believe what you both have is not a "connection". It sounds to me that you are both affectionatly needy and obviously experienced a nice 4 months together and miss eachother because of this. You should analise your feelings towards this man and decide what's best after this, and most importantly, leave everthing clear between you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 You are sending the man mixed signals. You were not happy because he was taking other women out for coffee and drives. Did you and he have an agreement to date each other only? Unless you both agreed to be be exclusive, you have no cause to complain - he was free to date others, just as you were.
Then when he expressed interest in getting back with you, you you told him flat-out nothing doing, not interested in resuming things and that you were dating someone else - but you immediately contradicted yourself by having sex with him.
What did you think you were doing?
Bottom line: do you want to take up with him again, or not, even knowing he may still be seeing the other girl? If you do, then say so and ask if he's willing to be exclusive. If you don't, then do not respond to any more texts or calls from him. Oh yes, and what about the man you told him you are seeing? Where does he fit into all this???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): The connection you guys seem to have looks like merely sexual to me- and there's nothing wrong with that of course. You just need to remember that you won't get anything but great sex from this man. Personally i think you should just move on and forget about him. Be clear with him and tell him you're not willing to be with somebody who doesn't take care of you every day; tell him you're not willing to share him with other women. Tell him you want a proper relationship (if that's what you want). Just forget about this guy: go to parties, meet new people, get a hobby or whatever because that man is trouble- and also pretty rude (he didn't call after the operation... come on! Who would do such a thing??!).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Hi, it does so appear that he wants you for sex, or maybe he really does like you. Ask him upfront why he wants contact with you, does he like you as a mate?, or as a potential girl friend. Are you still with this other man you met when you moved country?, if so speak to him about it and see what he thinks about you seeing him. You have to think which once you like more..and if this other man does want you back as his girlfriend think about it..he has been seing another women behind your back and as far as i'm aware the other man hasn't...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): There's no doubt he does care for you to some extent. But if this is the extent of his caring (and I'm talking about his once-in-a-while emails, his words that don't really match with his actions, and the fact that he doesn't care enough to remember and ask and even comment on your minor operation), then would you be happy with him?Don't expect him to change, and don't expect this situation to change. Time enough has passed for him or the situation to change, but here you are wondering what's going on with that girl, what's going on with him, and how can you stop caring. Try to move on. It's hard to change your feelings so quickly, but you need to make a decision so that your thoughts and actions can try to follow. Be open to other people out there, there are a LOT of men out there. And when you find the one that's there for you, that thinks about you, calls you, asks about your health, gives you his full attention because you are deserving of his full attention, then you will realize what this was. And even then you won't care because you'll be in a happier place. And you know what, even if you DON'T find this guy, ask yourself: are you happier being with a man that does NOT make you feel so great or are you happier knowing your own value and not letting anyone shake that?
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A
male
reader, Abass Abassi  +, writes (17 February 2011):
dear this is my personal experience. i hope u wont repeat it as i did repeated it in my life. u will always be in mental presure and will never be happy if u accept someone who has cheated u. that man has cheated u, and anytime u will be upset of that eventhough he doenst do it in future, but u will always be bringing it infront that he has cheated u. in short u will always be under undue mental and psycological pressure.i know moving on, in short run will really upset u but in long run u will really be happy being away from such flirty and cheating guy.i really wonder why people cheats except from having a partner, someone whom they claim they love. if they really love then why they cheat. these people can never be trusted and only show themselves they care for their partners but indead they don't.next time be much precise in choosing the right person. dont rush up, just be precise.best of luckabass
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