A
female
age
36-40,
*ellokitty55
writes:My bf of 4.5 years dumped me 2 weeks ago. He was acting distant and not really affectionate 3 weeks before we broke up. I knew he liked this younger girl at his job (we are only 21 yrs old btw and she just turned 17)... I kept asking and asking and he kept saying no no no shes too young no. He finally admitted to it. I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes, but its different now. He said he still wants to stay good friends since we've been together so long and we started out friends in high school. He said he always wants me in his life and cares about me. (I was his first everything..his only gf so he never had any other experiences) The reason why he lost interest was because we were together 24/7 for 4 years and I acted needy. He said it feels like him and this girl are dating already but he still hasnt asked her out yet even though she would def say yes. Because she's too young? Doesn't want the committment? Just having fun? Wants me in the picture?? I dont know. I actually told him to please ask her out so that could help me accept everything and he was surprised I said that and he said, "Im not gonna ask her out bc you want me to."We tried hanging out a few times as friends since we broke up. The first time I started to cry and that pushed him away. The second time I acted so over it and happy, and he asked me what i have been up to/who i have been with. I also stopped texting him, which made him text me but ignored him. i could tell he didnt like that i was actually happy without him for those few days which made me feel even better. i also left early and he was like why? where are you going? He still kept everything I gave him and all of my pictures are still hanging in his room and i told him to take them down and he said why, i dont want to. The last time we hung out i started crying bc he kept texting the other girl (it was her bday)..I told him i dont want to talk for a while and he didnt want that but eventually said "ok i wont give up on you"Im confused..I know he still has feelings for me but he's also interested in this new girl because she's simply new! Yet he still hasnt asked her out yet and maybe never will. His mom said he just wants to see whats out there. He will probably be back because we had something special. I'm doing NC for a month (didnt really tell him) so he can think about things, feels what its like without me in his life etc. Is there any hope that he will come back if I change when I see him in a month? I plan on acting happy for him, happy with my own life, and just strong and confident since guys like independent happy women. I just want to get his attention back to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): By you being your boyfriend's first everything, he wants to see what else is out there. Think about it how many 21 year old males you know are ready to for a 24/7 committment? Not many people can say that they only want to be with one person for the rest of there lives. The relationship does seem like it can be saved but you do need to give your boyfriend (ex) time to see what else is out there. It seems like a hard thing to do but this will also give you time to see what else is out there for you as well. You may meet someone who is ready for everything that you are ready for and doesn't need to go out with anyone else to figure that out. You may go out with other guys and he may go out with other girls and you both may eventually realize that nothing was better than what you had with each other, and you two can finally move on without wondering about what else is out there. Think of this situation as a test of how strong the relationship really is in order to figure out if the relationship was a complete waste of your 4 years. From personal experience my boyfriend left me for a couple of months and tried to figure out what else was out there for him. Whatever was out there for him must not have been that great because after 3 months time he was back at my doorstep telling me that there was nothing better than what we had together and we've been together ever since.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): No offence, but your boyfriend sounds like a total Doo Doo Head. He wants to keep you hanging on, but he wants to be free to "See Whats out there." You should be very proud of yourself, and how mature you are handaling things...and yes, I do think there is hope for you. But I think it may not be in your best bet, to set your sites on your boyfriend. You deserve a man that loves you unconditionally. Don't tell him that you are going to NC....Just let him enjoy his new freedom, and you do the same. Best of luck Sweet Pea!!
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (13 August 2008):
Your boyfriend was getting close to another girl while he was still with you! What kind of love is that? You odviously wasn't wit him 24/7 if he says " it feels like him and this girl are dating already". time he should've been sharing wit you, he was getting to know her. You should let him go and do his thing. I know it hurts, but he doesn't wanna be your boyfriend anymore (or so he thinks). IF you can't handle being friends wit him, just cut him off completely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): I'm sorry but it sounds like ur very controling of him.
Asking him things over & over & telling him to take pictures off HIS OWN bed room wall!!
And if u are/were needy u probably drove him away!!
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A
female
reader, sweety22  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 this must be really hard on you. sounds like you're doing really well dealing with it so well done.
this is one time when it really seems like "it's not you it's me" actually works. your mothers synopsis sounds like the best way to see it. and getting through the tough part is all about how you look at it.
honestly though if you trust that he still has feelings for you then you shouldn't have to "plan" to get his attention back on you. if he doesn't naturally exhaust his restlessness by indulging in this little taste of youth fantasy and so realises his mistake in appreciating the "excitement" of the unknown more than you then you should want to be with someone who does appreciate you for who you are.
working at a relationship is honourable, and even trying as hard as possible to make it the best it can be is sweet but no-one should have to try so hard just to have the relationship in the first place. both people should want it no matter what then maybe try to make it as good as it can be.
its only human to feel insecure or worry and especially seeing as he has had no prior experiences its completely understandable to be afraid he's missing out on something. people have to make their own mistakes and sadly sometimes they must LEARN to appreciate what they already have.
you look after YOU. he will decide whether he can take your emotional nature over the mystery of a young new girl and whether all the things he loves about you and that make him want to stay are worth compromising for. you decide whether you can accept what he has put you through and whether everything yous have is worth compromising for.
one thing you should think is whether he's staying because he does care about you or if he wants the best of both worlds. it really seems like the prior but you know all the facts.
good luck dear, some people have an even better relationship as friends. anything is possible, hang in there.
love is forgiving and is worth fighting for. only as long as it doesn't compromise your own self value.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 August 2008):
Typical male...wants what he can't have. You noticed that when you cry and act upset he runs the other way, and when you're happy and not bothered he's interested. Like The Listener said, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'm sure you still love him and want things back to how they were, but I can ALMOST guarantee you, they won't be the same--at least for a while. He has this need to date other people, but doesn't want to lose you at the same time. He needs to realize, that isn't how things work. You definitely need time away from him. Focus on yourself. Continue ignoring his texts/calls--do the things you enjoy and spend time with your girlfriends. You won't get over him over night, but things WILL get better with time. And once time passes (I'm talking like a year) and you two still want to be together and you feel that he has made a change and knows what he wants--give him another chance. I know that seems like much too long, but trust me, he won't be any different in the next few months than how he is now. In the meantime, you may end up meeting a great guy that makes you realize what a real loser your ex is.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (13 August 2008):
 I first want to tell you that you're acting pretty mature about this break up. Not many are able to deal with it as well as you have.
Now, I'd have to agree with your mom. You were his first girlfriend and first everything, so he may feel that he hasn't done anything and that he has lost opportunities out there. So that's probably what he is trying to do. Trying to find what's out there.
And I also think that he may come back to you. You had almost 5 years of being together and that's something hard to let go off. Maybe that's one of the reasons it's hard for him to stay away from you. So I would tell you to do what you were planning to do: Do the NC and let him think for a while. Probably when you come back he will see how much he missed you and ask you again.
But if nothing happens, then just remember that you sometimes have to let go to know if they were yours in the first place. If he never comes back the way you want it, maybe he was never yours in the first place.
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A
male
reader, The Listener +, writes (13 August 2008):
 It sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and it eat it. He's trying to lead you on by saying he is still in love with you and has feelings for you. This may be true, but if he loves you that much he wouldn't have left you for this other girl who he is/isn't dating. If I were you I would take some time to get over him and start looking for someone new if that is what you want. Even if he does still have feelings for you, it isn't fair to treat you this way and you deserve better than a guy who wants a relationship with you, but only when it suits him.
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