A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel so jealous and left out I guess. I'm 6 years younger than my wife so i'm not as mature or experienced i guess. We're recently married. She has a 3 year old son from another guy. I'm the step-dad but he thinks i'm his real dad until otherwise. I love both of them. The biological father is a total dirtbag. He ditched my wife when she was pregnant in the past. She gave him infinite chances to be a dad but he apperently wasn't ready (he's 9 years older than her and has 2 other kids by 2 other women he's ditched also). So a few years later, after we already met, he comes back in the picture. Says he wants to be a dad now. Of course she kicks him to the curb because she's about to get married. But since she put in paper from the past he was the father, he gets all kinds of rights and such, and gets to visit him a few days of 3 months and gets a phone call every week. He talks crap about me and her and tried to offer my wife his love again.Hes a bad guy, but for some reason wants to push himself in out new life for whatever reason. I just feel it's not right. He had his chance, but since he's the bio father he can just come and go as he pleases. I feel kinda immature, but I just wanted it to be my wife my son and me, but I feel left out now. The child is gonna be confused because he's forced to talk on the phone and see a guy he doesn't even know. I'm the one that loves the child and wishes he was mine. I guess I just didnt realize the impact being a stepdad has. Is this a normal feeling, or should I just accept it as it is?
View related questions:
immature, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): hi can i just say 1st that you should be very pround of yourself not many step fathers can love someone elses child as their own and for that you are a star keep up what you are doing and your son will be just fine he knows what you are and what you give him which is your time the best thing you can ever give a child.
as for the pop up when he feels like it part time "dad"
you need to let your son make his own mind up and trust me he will that way he can never recent you or your wife.
just be true to youself your wife and most importntly your son and you will all get though it if you are happy your sons happy.
all the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): I think that you have every right to feel the way that you do.... You have been that childs "Soft place to fall." The only advice I can give you, is to seek a legal opinion. Keep your head up, in years to come, your step son will see his biologigal father for what he is. You are a very good man for being there for your step son...You should be very proud of yourself. Best of luck Sugar!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 Sorry, not "reconvene", but "reproach".
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 August 2008):
My, is this a difficult thing to deal with.
I find it normal to feel angry at the biological father. He is upsetting everybody else's life just because. I made counts and we're talking about a 39-year old who hasn't really been a father to any of his kids. Now that he finds his woman is married and living happily, here he comes to bring trouble.
The worst part of this is the effect on the boy. He has a man he calls father, and here comes an absolute stranger to say bad things about mom and dad. And he is supposed to listen and love this new man. He must be feeling very confused.
The bad news is that I feel you have no way out of this. Since he's the biological father, he has the law in his side. If you don't let him see the boy, he might go to the courts, and I don't think the legal system has gone as far as recognizing that, in this situation, the biological father is the bad guy and the child's best interest is for the father to stay away. And there's no way the law will force the man to stop saying bad things about you and your wife. It is very easy to get pissed off with this man (there's plenty of reasons).
All the same, you and your wife need to walk a very long tightrope and take small steps towards containing and perhaps cornering the man. I would record the conversations with the child. That should be easy.
I think part of the problem is that he sees you as a non-threat. He's 17 years your senior, and perhaps thinks of you as a little boy he can scare away. I'm afraid that can make you lose your temper, and, at the same time, forces you to draw a line somewhere.
We're not supposed to give "bad" or "non-standard" advice here, but, frankly, I think that you need to be ready to a little fist-fight, eventually. Not something you will provoke, but something you will stand up to if need be. You would need to be EXTREMELY careful because then he could bring you to court on charges of aggression. Yet you have to make it known that you're not afraid.
I know this is a primitive and brutish way of dealing with things. But then, he's also brutish, and the real world has to include these mechanisms. Otherwise, let's not have armies or police forces and gently reconvene everyone until they see the light and amend their faults, amid tears and reassuring little nothings. If you played Theodore Roosevelt, and therefore spoke softly but carried a big stick, would he mess with you? The answer is no, because it would cost him dearly.
You're not being left out. I'm afraid your wife had no choice. And then, I feel awful to tell you this, but his coming back was part of the package when you married her.
...............................
|
