A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can I ask a question to the girls in this site and be completly honest. "What do you really lok for in a guy"I always see answers like good listenercaringfaithfullnot cockyclassgood career prospectsBut never does "good looks" ever come up. Come on girls you wont admit it but am sure its true.Am without a doubt all of them yet I can never get a girlfriend. One thing I know I am though is ugly. (Am 27)All my mates are much better looking,cocky,cheats, yet they I have not shortage of girls.Ok I will admit I have not confidence what so ever, yet its imposible for a girl to notice that as soon as she looks at you without atleast talking to you first.I see what some of my friends have and am happy for them but depressed for me at the same time. I get up go to work come home and spend the night alone in my house. Am self employed in the building industry so never get a chance to meet women the way I would in a office enviroment.Ive accepted that I will probably be alone for ever but are interested to get a womens opinion on this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): You already answered your own question. It's confidence and yes we can sense it even without talking to a man. You can see it in how he stands, how he interacts with the people around him. It's not something that has to come up from talking to him. I have lots of guy friends who have no confidence and they are attractive men and this is what keeps them from meeting girls. You view yourself negatively, you called yourself ugly, unless you are missing half your face, or weigh 400 pounds I highly doubt anyone would call you ugly. You have to love yourself before you can ever expect someone else to love you. You need to be confident in yourself and if you're not, pretend that you are eventually you will develop real confidence. Start by smiling and standing up straight, get a nice new outfit one that makes you feel like you look good. Go somewhere with friends and just say hi to people, don't worry about meeting a girl and getting her number or a date, start small and just make a plan to say hello to every girl you get within 5 feet of or something. Smile at people you walk past on the street. You can't expect to magically change over night but you can make small steps and start to grow some confidence. I know lots of guys like you who are the package deal they have all the qualities girls want but they are negative about themselves and that is what puts girls off. As for what girls like, me personally i like nice guys who are sweet and honest, who are positive and up beat, a bit cocky and sarcastic but in a fun playful way, and who are driven and confident in themselves and life. Cheer up and smile, you are a catch and someday the right girl will see that but only if you see it in yourself first.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): It may be good looks that attract a girl to a guy, but we'll get bored of looking at something pretty with the personality of a plank after a week or two. Girls are attracted to confidence, it makes them feel safe, secure and looked after. That's one of the most important things for me. You may have heard it a thousand time, but girls really do love someone who's easy to talk to, a good listener and compassionate. I love nothing more than cuddling on the sofa with my boyfriend chatting about everything and anything - talking is a great way to build up trust and intimacy. You say you're ugly, I don't believe that. Even the most stunning person can be ugly as mud on the inside. You most probably have a great personality and there's someone out there who will - one day - be lucky enough to realise that.
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A
female
reader, youngmum89  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 hello i'm a young girl 21 and the boyfriends i've had weren't the best looking i don't go for looks i'd go for someone who can make me laugh who i can relate to and whom i feel so comfortable with, i think your problem is your confidence, when you get with a girl it doesnt matter whether your ugly or the best looking guy in the world if your shallow which most good looking blokes are she's gonna dump them, you say your ugly but when you meet the right person she's going to thing your the best guy ever don't take after your mates eventually she'll come to you, when ever you get the chance to go out try chat up a few girls just be yourself thats what they want to see.
i hope you find your girl some day....
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 I'm a pretty foxy girl, if I do say so myself, and most of my boyfriends have not been "classically" good looking (hope none are reading this right now), but I found them sexy because they were talented, clever, sweet and funny. I'm very attracted to a fella with creative talent, and have made my rounds with actors and musicians. I finally married an artist, and upon reflection, I was always attracted to guys with a major talent. Maybe those talents and passions also gave them confidence and I was also attracted to that.
Everyone has something that they prioritize in a partner. It could be heart, muscles, money, humor, smarts... and if a person has that quality, they become super attractive.
You need to find something you enjoy and go out and do it. Most women are not immediately attracted to someone who is both depressed with no confidence. So you need to be more happy in your life and more positive about yourself. I know it's more easier said than done, but a good way to start is to get out of your house at night and do stuff. Get active in your life! Don't just let the office and your house be your only activities, that will make for a very sad and lonely life. Get involved in some local stuff - even if it's just bowling with the guys on Saturdays or going to Open Mic Night at your favorite café. The more you get out and participate in stuff you're interested, the more you'll meet people, get conversations started, and you never know what you may find.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): I would say that what I look for in a man is dark, longish, messy hair, green eyes and taller than me, slightly muscular. I like guys who wear glassess too. More importantly I want to be woed as romantically as possible.
As it is the man I've had a baby has not of the fore mentioned looks but did at least attempt to woe me when we met. That was enough for me. I might not have had a huge crush for him when we first met but because of the way he treated me, it wasn't long before I was head over heals with him!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 June 2010):
 Would you want to date the female counterpart of you?
I think CindyCares has brought up an excellent point, which is that the girls who aren't beautiful and spectacular are often overlooked by everyone. Have you asked out any homely girls recently? The one who has great personality but was not gifted in the looks department? Do you even see her, recognize that she's there?
This makes me think of that wonderful movie with Cher, "Mask". The story of the young man who suffered with a severe facial deformity? Basically the bones of his skull just kept on growing and he looked quite grotesque. He just wanted to find someone who would like him for him, which is of course what we all want. The hypocrisy I noticed in him was that despite his own experience with the prejudice and judgements about him based on his looks, he himself couldn't help it when he fell for the girl--he had to fall for someone who was good-looking. The fact that she was blind gave him a chance with her, but he wasn't able to get past his own desire to be with a conventionally attractive woman. And he most of all should have known of the the feelings of the "ugly" and not-conventionally-attractive.
What I detect in you is defeated thinking. You have already given up the battle without much fight. You go home at night? Why aren't you off volunteering somewhere? You live in the UK, I know for a fact that you are swimming in charity shops, they always need people to help in those stores. Find the one that has great clothes and there will be loads of women coming in to look for treasures. Also women volunteering.
Look at these women as though you were blind yourself. Ignore the physical, what about them is attractive? What makes them unique, and special and even appealing?
Of course we look for physical attractiveness, everyone does. But there are many conventionally "unattractive" men out there dating, involved or married to say that all women are too picky to date someone who isn't physically perfect. You're just looking in the wrong places and have hoisted the white flag before you've even tried.
I know you probably HAVE tried and have suffered rejection, I don't mean to minimize that. But no one wants to date a defeated man, and that is precisely what you sound like.
Go to a good salon, get a male makeover, have your hair cut and styled properly, get that unibrow (if you have one) waxed into a proper pair of eyebrows, get all that hair removed that's growing in the wrong places, such as out the side of your ears or off your pinky finger and back.
Go to a good men's shop and have a consultant select the clothes that will make you look sharp and tailored and in the silhouette that suits your body. Don't you get "What Not to Wear" there? Trinny and Susannah? Are still only styling women or have they turned to men as well? Shape up your wardrobe!
If you are overweight, it's time to start losing and firm up. Walking is free, you can start there. Eat right and I'd suggest yoga and weight training, being partial to those myself. Yoga for mental balance and physical strength and flexibility, weight training for strength and lovely looking muscles. Not to mention yoga classes are generally filled to the brim with women.
Start at the doctors, though, before you embark on an ambitious physical regimen, to make sure that you are in decent enough physical shape to start. Have the doctor evaluate you for depression while you are there.
I have a website I've been suggesting to people, called the mind gym. It's an interesting site that has you examine your thoughts and how affect your feelings and behavior. Your thoughts are pretty low and unhappy; you are setting yourself up for failure before you've even engaged in effort. Time to change that.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome It's free and I think it might help you look objectively at your defeatist thinking.
Finally, you need to work on your sense of accomplishment; what are you really really good at? Well, get better at it. Try to learn new things each week or month. Pick one day a month that you try something new--each thing learned or conquered is something else you can talk about. Hold your head up high, pull your shoulder blades together and moving down your back toward the beltline (kind of a squeezy move, I don't want to see you flapping your shoulders like some kind of chicken), chin up and parallel to the floor. Stomach in with abs tightened, gluteus muscles lightly tenses. Don't forget to BREATHE.
Sorry if I haven't answered fully the question you asked. If you're still reading this, bless you. Here's my answer.
Yes, being attracted to the guy is crucial, so it helps if he is phyically well put together. But there are so many different women and tastes that one woman's Cary Grant is another woman's Andrew Lloyd Weber. You don't need to attract a lot of women. We just need for you to find the one who thinks you are great. Problem is that she won't think you are great if you don't believe it yourself.
Okay. So we have a plan?
1. See your doctor
2. Start your physical training regime (walking, the gym or weights at home, dance class would be GREAT)
3. Start your mental training routine with yoga, and I think Toastmasters would be a good thing as well, also start the mind gym link.
4. Get the mini-makeover started
5. Go sign up at the charity shop to volunteer
off you go. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 I don't mean to pick on you,OP, - I am just taking this occasion to submit my theory,please feel free to confirm it or disprove it.
You are absolutely not the first guy that I heard complaining they are discriminated because of their looks. You, and many many guys like you, basically say : I can't get a girl because I am ugly and since women pay much more attention to looks than personality they reject me and don't give me a chance .
May I ask exactly what kind of women are we talking about. How these women are lookwise.
Because I had friends in your same predicament and then it turns out that they were only after the hot flashy high maintenance types. Very eyecatching girls , who are not only genetically blessed but also obviously invest a lot of time ,effort and cash in looking good. It's obvious that this type of woman is into looks - looks are highly valuable to her and so she'll want a very good looking mate for herself.
Did you ever ask out the plain Janes ? Did you ever feel like approaching,say, an overweight girl, or a girl with acne ? Would you date an unattractive girl with a great personality ?
I have got the feeling that many many guys ( maybe not you, OP) say that " beauty is only skin deep " and what really counts are the moral qualities....if that applies to them. But if it applies to the girl.... they are not so convinced.
Maybe I am wrong... I would like to be wrong !, but,like you said- honest ansers only,please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): Of-course looks are important, but to everyone it's different. I really appreciate when a guy dresses clean and takes good care of his hygine, like facial hair, clean teeth, smells good. Also when he is physically fit.
Of-course confidence. You can read it in the eyes. If you want a girl, you willeventually need to come up to her, this is how it works. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): If you think your ugly then why not work on your body and dress sense/style instead??
Also don't convince yourself that you will be alone or you might make it happen
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A
female
reader, May27 +, writes (28 June 2010):
 I get where you are coming from. I have heard over and over from my friends that they want a guy who is sweet, sincere, caring, attentive and so on, yet they never seem to want it when they find it.
When you said that girls cannot tell that you are insecure before they come up and talk to you, you are completely wrong! First of all, the fact that you aren't confident enough to walk up to them is their first clue. Don't be afraid to talk to women that you are interested in. You need to find a genuine, honest and fun/ funny way to start conversations with females.
Young ladies have an abundance of guys walking up to them and they tend to not have to go looking for a guy so they usually don't. If you want to talk to women - you'll have to talk to women. Don't be a sleazeball. Don't use stupid pick-up lines. Be charming and honest and respectful.
Now, my question to you is whether or not you are only interested in attractive women. The reason I ask is because many times when good men that aren't very attractive have trouble finding a lady friend they, themselves, are only looking for what is on the outside. It's rather ironic. Though many men will expect the women to not be superficial, they are very much so themselves.
So what do I look for in a man?
~Confidence!
~Honesty
~Integrity
~Humor!
~Intelligence
~Good work ethic
~Patience
~An Attraction (but not a superficial one; it's more like magnetism)
You will not be happy with someone else, Doll, until you are happy with yourself. You should be. Beauty fades but your soul doesn't. Work on your confidence, go socialize and let love find you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 June 2010):
 Well of course looks are important - anyone who denies this is just being silly. But the problem here is that "good looks" for everyone are different. For example I hate muscly men, and prefer a tall, slim man who is toned but not muscular. I dont have any real preference in terms of hair colour/eye colour etc but for some strange reason I do tend to go for men with big noses?! Whereas I know friends of mine will only date men who are well built in terms of very muscular, must have brown hair styled in a certain way etc. So yes looks are important - but every girl on this planet has different tastes, so what one girl may define as good looking, another would call ugly.
If I'm being honest this is what I look for in a man:
- Well educated
- Intelligent
- Not scared by intelligent, stubborn and independent women
- Good career prospects
- No debt
- Funny
- Comes from a background where money has never been an issue - basically yes I do like a man to have money but only to be able to keep up with my lifestyle (I have a good job and enjoy spending my wages!) and who is from a background where money was around, as my parents are reasonably well off.
- Confident
- Articulate
- Well dressed
- Opinionated
- A gentleman
- Interested in similar things to me (music, culture, cinema etc)
It is a given that I would have to find the man attractive physically - but even then often (to me anyway) a man's personality can be so intoxicating that I dont care about looks so much and his company, his kiss, his prescence....all that is enough to make him attractive to me. Take a guy I recently met - would be deemed traditionally "ugly" I guess. He was tall and slim, but facially would be described as ugly. But he was a perfect gentleman, very funny, intelligent, extremely well dressed and the most amazing kiss I had ever had. I soon forgot about the big nose and balding head, that was irrelevant! I did not care about that because the connection I had with him was amazing, and I could not care less about his face!
And stop using the building industry as an excuse! I work in the property industry (we are a marketing firm specialising in property marketing) and you guys love a good drink and a good event! We host events all the time where there are well over 200 people and everyone drinks like a fish, gets a bit drunk and has a good time! So many people in the industry have met this way, through social events and networking events. I'm sure if you work with office or industrial agents, or a marketing agency - they will be involved in events all the time. As the client they will be more than happy to do a bit of schmoozing with you, because after all they want your money! So get yourself along to as many networking or social business events as you can and you will soon find yourself around women!
An office environment is a terrible way to meet women - imagine dating someone you worked with on a day to day basis, it would be horrible! The great thing about the property industry is that while you all know each other well and see each other at events, launches etc - you still have space and dont live in each others pockets all the time so it is the perfect environment for a relationship!
It sounds like your main problem is that you have no confidence, no self esteem and no belief in yourself that you will ever be happy. If you have already given up and deemed yourself ugly, how can anyone ever find you attractive?! Confidence is the most attractive thing in a partner - I mean could you imagine dating a girl who said she was ugly all the time and was always moaning about her weight? It would drive you mad and you would not want to be near her! So if you automatically decide you are not attractive enough for a woman then she is not going to feel good around you when you have no confidence and that will clearly show.
Lack of confidence is pretty obvious, it shows in your posture, in the way you make eye contact with people, in your speech.....unless you sort this out then you will never get the girlfriend that you clearly want. The problem is not that all girls like good looking men, the problem here is you. You need to make changes in order to be attractive, and I dont mean in terms of the way you look! It is horribly cheesy but if you feel good on the inside you look good on the outside.
So go to the gym, start working out or running or something like that. Get a new haircut, buy some new clothes. Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better and more confident! If you dont know how to dress to take full advantgage of yourself then hire a personal shopper and get them to show you where you are going wrong!
And start getting out there a bit more! Join some local clubs or take up some hobbies you used to do, this will get you out the house and at least you will be interacting with more people rather than being alone all the time. Go to more networking events at work so you can practice being confident and so you can emulate the air of success so to speak. Even join an online dating site if you are really struggling - put a recent pic of yourself up there so you are honest from the start but make sure your profile is well written and witty, show your interesting personality through the way you write.
And most importantly - dont give up! If you have given up all hope and are not willing to work on yourself as a person in order to get a girlfriend then well there is no point in you even being on this site asking this question. You have to maintain some optimism, plus you have to be willing to change yourself in order to get what you want in life. There will be a woman who likes the way you look out there, but there will not be a woman who wants to be with an unconfident, pessimistic man for the rest of her life.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, @lala  +, writes (28 June 2010):
Not all gals hav that criteria in their mind. Those who want to hav serious relationshp will prefer responsible, honest, n loyal man. We d0nt only think bout ourselves but also for our future baby.
Be confident, plz. Train urself to speak with the mirror evryday by saying 'im interesting n i'll find good gal'. I believe that it works. Go0d luck!
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A
female
reader, kitty-cat=] +, writes (28 June 2010):
![kitty-cat=] agony aunt](/avatars/4e276644-588c-43d2-bf37-fe35b92660b5.png) oh, don't say that! you'll find someone :) and it will be worth the wait. okay, the truth yea girls want good listening, caring, faithful men, but for most of us they have to be attractive to get our attention in the first place. money is very attractive because it makes us feel like they can support us. even though we want a nice sweet guy, we want a tough guy who can protect us. humor is very important. we want a guy who won't even think about looking at another girl but its okay when we do it because we know we won't cheat. thing is girls are complicated. not all are like this though, some aren't as superficial. i hope you find someone who treats you right :) you seem very nice, you should be more confident. women love confidence, if you don't believe in yourself how can you expect a girl to? hope this helps :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): You asked, so here goes some brutal honesty.
Physical:
Must be good looking.
Strong body, nice chest and strong arms
Athletic
Tight ass
Nice white smile
Clean,good hygiene.
Nice Hair
Mental:
Smart or clever
Funny
Fun
Adventurous
Naughty but tameable
Treats me a little bad, like he doesn't need me.
He must be successful with lots of money or prospects for money. I want to be pampered and don't want to work after we get married.
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A
female
reader, Stephy-kinz +, writes (28 June 2010):
ok some girls do look for looks and popularity but not all girls do likeme idc bout looks that much but i mostly look for there personality like sweet romantic and does not cheat on me and doesnot lie at all i hate when guys lie and cheat.... but you shouldn be depressed cuz you cant get a girl i bet your not bad looking..... well i gtg so bye =)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): For me, someone that I can be myself with and who can make me laugh. I too are not much of a looker so I know theres no point looking for my Brad Pitt.
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