A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So this is the first time I've ever done anything like this so bare with me. I've loved the idea of love for as long as I can remember. So my story is I met this girl that I feel in love with about 4-5 months ago. We dated for almost 2 months and then she said she wanted to take a break. I'm a very emotional person that takes my relationships more seriously then I really should. The girl I'm with means the world to me and I try to let her know it the best I can. We were fine for the first month and I thought we were still ok. But my depression was getting worse as her life became more stressful. I knew that she had a lot to worry about and that she was stressed. I tried helping the best I could but my depression didn't help either. So now we are on a break. She says she need to fix things about her self and that she can't bare a relationship for now. She just has to much going on so to speak. We talk everyday but I feel like that's because I message her first. I feel like if I didn't message her she would just act like I didn't exist and go on with her life. We've had talks about the situation. She says she doesn't know when she will want a relationship again. She says her intent is to work things out but doesn't know for 100% fact that will happen after she does what she needs to do. I try to be there for her and I feel like sometimes it helps her and others I just make things worse. She says she just wants to be friends for now nothing more. She says she doesn't want anyone right now or a relationship. Her ex also has come back into her life since her friends are his friends and they have to be civil. I worry that as much as she says she hates him that she secretly wants to be with him. I tend to over think everything. I feel like I should just give her' her space and if she wants to talk she'll message me. But what if she really needs my support and wants me to message her? I tell her I'm always there for her and I just want her to be happy quite often. We've been on a break for about 3 weeks now and it's killing me. I haven't told her I loved her and this is the first time I've ever loved someone this much. I just don't want to mess up.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Trust me on this one: neither. Don't message her, and don't wait for her to message you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I'm not going to give up until she goes one way or the other because if I do I will live my life with regret and I really don't want that. So should I message her or just wait for her to message me?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 October 2010):
"She says she doesn't know when she will want a relationship again". Translation: she doesn't want a relationship with you.
"I try to be there for her and I feel like sometimes it helps her and others I just make things worse." Translation: you are just making things worse.
"I feel like I should just give her' her space and if she wants to talk she'll message me. But what if she really needs my support and wants me to message her? I tell her I'm always there for her and I just want her to be happy quite often." Translation: you want to be there, she doesn't want you there.
"Her ex also has come back into her life since her friends are his friends and they have to be civil." HA-HA-HA. I almost fall off the chair with this one. If a woman doesn't want to be civil to you, she won't be civil to you, no matter who you two are friends with. Have you ever heard about bitter fights between former spouses or lovers? And, they did have lots of friends in common.
"I just don't want to mess up." You're right on this one. You're wrong on how not to mess up. Just leave and find someone else.
It was very cruel of her to tell you all the things she said. They are supposed to be said in order not to hurt you, but in fact they do hurt, and they only make things a lot worse as they add to your confusion.
Don't be in touch with her again, and refuse to be in contact with her if she comes your way. Move on and be happy.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (18 October 2010):
 You're overthinking this way out of proportion.
You've only known her for a short while. Though you may think you're in love with her, it sounds more like a combination of loneliness and depression that drags you down.
Let me say this much, if she's having personal problems and has not been able to cope with her own issues, then she will never be strong enough to commit to anyone, including you.
The best thing to do is just let her know you're around if she needs you, and let her have her space.
If she really has an interest in you, and she's finally overcome whatever issues are plaguing her, then she'll come back.
But the reality is that until she gets her own mess straightened out, whatever it might be, how can you expect her to share herself, her life or anything with you? And more importantly, do you need to feel as if you're in the way?
If she still has feelings for her ex then there's nothing you can do about it. As much as she says she "hates" her ex, she loved him once. People who are in intimate, loving relationships are often at cross-purposes.
Breakups lead to anger, jealousy, hurt and depression. So its not unusual for people to hate the ones they broke up with or broke up with them, and love them at the same time.
As for you, if you were merely a rebound, then it may be time for you to go looking elsewhere. Rebound relationships are sort of doomed to failure. Though, frankly, she might make a better friend than lover.
So just ride it out a little longer, or just start thinking about looking elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (18 October 2010):
I don't think now would be a good time of telling her that you love her...she doesn't seem ready for any of this stuff that you have to offer. As much as you love her you gotta see about yourself as well, you can't keep putting her feelings first because you can't force someone to be with you. Try to figure out a plan be because chances are that your worst fears may come true. She may come back to you but it doesn't seem like it.
I know you prolly need some encouragement rather than advice but try to do some serious thinking if you want any of this stuff to go anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Helpfulme890  +, writes (18 October 2010):
Well when she says, she just wants to be friend, be a friend to her... a good friend. She does sound like she needs a little space, sometimes when things get on top of me it is very hard to think about anything and I like to seclude myself to my "safe space", until I figure things out life doesn't get easier. So you might even be making it a little harder to think. If you give her the space she may actually start thinking about your situation (the break)and you will get an answer. But you have to be aware it may not be the answer you want and there is something I have all ways said that makes me feel better. "You can't make someone love you". I am not saying she is going to leave you for good though and remember if things don't go the way you would like she won't be the only one for you, there is always some one out there you just have to carry on looking and never give up. Oh and trust me if a girl needs support of any sort she will contact you. Plus if you love her do what ever it takes to make her happy. WHAT EVER IT TAKES.
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