A
female
age
30-35,
*nique-angel
writes:I am confused, on what to do. I am 20 but quite mature however by having a abusive childhood this has affected me alot. My B.f (A)who I have been with 3 months is lovely, no 1 has ever treated me like h has. But recently it feels spark going he doesnt call me text or meet up that much. I understand he is busy but same time I am fed up asking for time. We split up for 2 days where all i did was cry and he opened up to me dedicating his love in detial how we do have a future. I am Sikh he is hindhu and my parents would be against his. This Sikh guy same caste also likes me. When broken up wiht my b.f i met the sikh guy we kissed but i couldnt only did it when imagined A and i cried so much felt so guilty. I thought that meant i loved him cuz i missed him.We got back together but still it doesnt fell right. I just want more and i don't think that fair on him . I do love him so so so much same time some thing missing. Sikh guy and me decided if we do get together then we will get engaged in jan. Seeing as i dont want to insult m families honour incase some 1 sees us, we will marry though in 2 years after my uni studies. What do i do? Sikh guy at start use 2 make my skin crawl but i tihnk that cuz i mised A. He's more touchy and that makes me uncomfortable but he's slowing it down for me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): I'm so sorry you've had an abusive childhood, robbing you of those precious memories all children should be able to grow up with - security and love.
I think a lot of your concerns are really based around your childhood, your need to LOVE to be constantly shown, which of course is lovely, but all relationships have to slow down at some point, and become calmer, however, the guy you say you've dated for for 3 months (BF.A)in my personal experience, and what I've seen of couples dating - 3 months is VERY early to have the spark going, unless of course you're just not gelling together, that you are both just not as suited as you think, or FEEL. When people FIRST meet, and the chemistry is there, nearly ALL will believe it's LOVE, the real thing, but as great as it feels this is being IN-LOVE, which very different. To really love someone you have KNOW them very, very well, see all their failings, imperfections, to have the first dating highs to subside, to experience normal everyday life together, even when at times it may seem routine, and IF after all that, there is a deep LOVE for that person, it could be more accurate to talk of LOVE.
If you have already parted because of problems, albeit only two days, and in that time you were OPEN to meet another young man, and kiss him, then think about WHY you did this.
Two days is not very long, to be seeing someone else, it wasn't two months - and although you say you spent days crying,it wasn't enough to STOP you meeting this other guy. And most females would cry after being with someone for 3 months, it doesn't indicate a LIFE-LONG LOVE that will be a Happy Ever After Tale.
You got back together, and on your own omission, say it doesn't feel right, surely that must tell you this relationship is not likely to be the one for you - You are very young, and to be making decisions on when you get engaged, and to when you will get married WITHOUT knowing a guy, is setting you up for further disappointment.
I realize I do not come from your family background, and that your family traditions means you promise yourself to someone without even KNOWING FIRST how they will treat you in 2, 3 years time, that somehow pleasing your family and their keeping their honour is the PRIORITY, but please think very carefully about all this, as you state the " Sikh guy made your skin crawl at the start" NOT a very good feeling, whether at the start or not, to be already talking of an engagement in January...YOU don't KNOW HIM.
So what is YOUR CRITERIA (for you to think about)to be talking about an engagement, when you have NOT even been going out with him for any length of time. Do you just marry someone because that is what is expected, or do you HOLD out on getting engaged or married UNTIL or IF you meet that someone special you get to know FIRST, at least 18 months, two years BEFORE any talk of marriage is discussed.
At 20 you should be enjoying your university days, then all the opportunities that brings you for a career, to become an independent woman, and get to know what you like for yourself, ever BEFORE you consider marriage.
Personally I don't feel either relationships are right for you from you've said - but it is ONLY YOU, who can make the decisions as to what you feel is best for you - we as AA and Uncles can only offer some guidance, and perhaps help the poster of the question to LOOK at other angles they may not have considered.
All I suggest, is that you really think about what you are doing with your life if you get engaged to someone you hardly know in 3 months time. That is a huge commitment at twenty especially when there is NO talk of LOVE, just a ring and a piece of paper.
Jilly
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