A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, this might be a little odd and maybe shallow, but I was wondering: guys, how were you the first time you had sex? And girls, were you pleasantly surprised or not?I ask because my boyfriend and I are planning to have sex for the first time and we are both virgins, I'm 17 and he's 17. He's a very kind person and for the most part quite calm - kinda hyper at the same time though. And I know this isn't something you can quantify or predict, but I was wondering how - hmm, let's say skilled he'll be. I know he's had other girlfriends (obviously I don't know how far he's gone with them, all I know is he hasn't gone all the way). I feel sort of bad thinking this, but just because someone is usually quite calm doesn't mean they'll be the same in bed, does it? DON'T GET ME WRONG!! I'm not some sort of sado-masochist!! And I'll bet some people are probably thinking . . . hello. Priorites. It's your first time, here! And I can kind of see why. But I trust him implicitly and I know I'm ready.I'm obviously not expecting him to be Casanova but would it be unrealistic to expect to him to be somewhat skillful? I don't really consider myself intune with the male mind, so back to my original question before I started wandering off to who knows where; guys - did you know what you were doing your first time, or was it a kind of fumble-in-the-dark sort of thing? I'm not judging, just curious. Also, did you consider yourself to be a Casanova or well-meaning but not particularly knowledgable? Trying to figure out what my bf may be thinking, it would be a little odd to just walk up and ask him "How skilled are you in the sack?" :PThanks very much, all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Nowadays, many guys are browsing the internet for advice, especially if they are virgins, out of curiosity. So, compared to virgins guys a couple of decades ago, who were quite clueless and ignorant about sex or full of misleading information they'd heard from other guys, today's virgins (at least some of them) are armed with knowledge. And that is something.
But if he is not one of those guys, I guess it will be up to you to teach him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Did you know how to play checkers the first time you learned? Did you get better at it over time? Same thing here… without prior experience all he has to go by is what he’s seen or read… usually not great instructions…
I doubt he’s very skilled. But that’s ok neither are you and learning together can be so much fun… besides having skill with ONE woman does NOT translate to skill with ALL women… because we all work a bit differently… what makes one person hot and bothered may not do anything for someone else…
I suggest you not have it dark there will be less fumbling.. also know that there will be elbows and knees in awkward places at first.. That’s just the dance of a new couple getting used to each other’s parts. When I switched from my 6’4” 250 pound husband to my 5’6” 145 pound partner he got kneed and elbowed a lot in the first few weeks till I learned OUR dance… Every couple’s sexual dance is different…
Why not just RELAX and enjoy it and go with the flow… prepare to laugh a bit (as laughter in bed is perfectly fine and acceptable) and know that the first time will probably not be anything great… but as with many things, and especially in this case PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT and in this case it’s fun.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Expect nothing and hope for the best. If you expect anything you will get disappointed, and if you expect nothing you will get pleasantly surprised. You chose what you want to be.
I've been with 3 virgin men. The first two were horrible in bed. The last was miraculously the best lover I've ever had.
The first two I had no emotional connection with. The last one and I were deeply in love and crazy for each other. The last one was super shy and skittish normally, wouldn't even let women sit on his lap, and could barely hug others. But once he got in the sack he took a 180 turn, which is why I called him my werewolf. He was skittish and nervous with clothes on, with clothes off he was a tiger in bed. Completely took me off guard.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it can go both ways. Most guys are super suuuuper nervous their first time, they worry they will come too fast, they worry they won't get it up, they worry their size isn't big enough for you, they worry they will disappoint you or embarrass you.
The best thing you can do is take it slow and talk about it before you get to it. explore at a calm pace. The first two virgins I had were more of a "get down to business" type of thing. We didn't court each other, we just met to have sex basically. So we didn't take much time to get to know each others bodies. The last one I dated for some weeks before we had intercourse, but the sexual tension between us was intense, and unusually high. Basically we lusted after each other, couldn't get enough of the touching, the kissing, the grabbing and everything came naturally, once we got into the mood. If you try to think too much about it you get nervous and tense. If you and him go with the flow and get into it, feeling hot and excited about it, eager to explore each other, then it'll probably run smoothly.
First step is to french kiss (or snog, I think thats what you brits call it?). Then touch with clothes on. Then a few days later take things further to getting naked next to each other and so on. Don't get right down to it, let the tension build up. Me and the 3rd virgin used 2 weeks to go from french kissing and to intercourse, and we spent about every other night together, just taking small steps at a time.
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A
female
reader, auntyR +, writes (3 December 2011):
lads at that age will never be as "skilled" as you would like them to be. They are still learning, just like you. What they think may feel nice for you normally just hurts as from what i remember they don't understand that you have to be a bit more gentle with a girl. So if you do get heated with him and he starts to touch you just guide him in a sexy way so he knows what you like. As for the intercourse...well if it is his first time don't expect him to last for a long time and don't expect to have a orgasm, as orgasm through penetration can be hard to achieve. You may also find that your first time is a little sore and uncomfortable, so stop if it gets too much. The second time is alot better so don't panic and think that sex is always going to be a horrid experience. Just take it slow and don't expect things to be amazing for your first time.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I think your actually asking more than one question here, and they arent necessarily mutually exclusive.
You dont need to have penetration to achieve good "sex". From reading your post it doesnt sound like you have done much in the way of foreplay before, so this is where I think you should start... and forget the whole V thing for a little while. Get to know each others bodies, explore, touch, caress and taste. Find out what buttons to press that send each other wild.
I'm assuming you both masturbate. You need to know what gets you off before you can expect someone else to know. Then show him (and he you). Give encouragement when something feels good and if things arent so great then actually show him. Its a real turn on to watch someone else pleasure themselves. If you both pay attention you will know how to touch him and he you.
Practice makes perfect - this goes for all aspects of sex, so dont expect too much at first! Its very unwise and unfair to expect him to be a sex god your first few times together. Even the most experienced person will be all new and fumble the first few times with a new partner.
When you know how to actually pleasure yourselves and each other is when I think you should take the step to full penetrative sex.. and I would suggest you do this after A LOT of foreplay. First time sex can be uncomfortable, even slightly painful... but as always practice makes perfect. Take it S l o w l y and things should work out just fine.
Remember to use proper protection (I'm sure this is a moot point but worth mentioning) from STI's (yes i know your both virgins but that doesnt necessarily mean free from infections) and unwanted pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2011):
 So unfair, why should he be more skilled than you, just because he has a penis. That is very sexist. He's a virgin, so are you, so why should you place all the emphasis on him to know what he is doing. You both will be ignorant and innocent, you learn together what feels good and what feels bad. Even if he's been with other girls, he's not been with you. People aren't interchangeable. What someone else likes, you may not like. Don't think you can sit back and leave all the responsibility to him, that makes a selfish lover. You can't blame him if things go wrong, it's a 50/50 deal.Funny I was thinking about this yesterday. It's like your first day at school. Your excited and you want to go, but your nervous and anxious and your wondering what will happen. Sometimes you meet nice friends, and you fit in straight away. Sometimes nobody talks to you and you feel unhappy and don't think you want to go back. But eventually, going to school every day, you start to find lots of things to like.You need to take some responsibility for your sex life. Touch and stroke and kiss, tell him what feels good, what feels bad, tell him to go slow or go faster. Take your time.. It's not a race, it's more like a holiday where you relax and enjoy the journey.Tip: Condoms always - kiss and touch for a long time - have bath afterwards, it will help with any soreness - you may bleed, you may not, so don't worry, and it will probably hurt, so go very, very slowly.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 How was the first time you tried to ride a bicycle? Or drive? Or try a new dance?
The word skill may be defined as "Proficiency, facility, or dexterity that is acquired or developed through training or experience." Acquired through training or experience. Since he's had neither training nor experience, do not expect perfect technique.
Rather than worry about his technique, I think the two of you should be focused on the experience as a shared journey of exploration, with joy and mutual respect and that will be way better than worrying if he'll be 'skilled' or not.
Technique and knowing where to touch what comes with time and familiarity. The best thing you can do is be clear about what works for you, encourage him or show him and let him know gently what hurts or does not work for you. Don't make him guess and give him feedback, either verbal or non-verbal.
Be safe and have fun.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 December 2011):
 yes don't ask him about the skills he hasn't had a chance to develop yet, but do ask him what he's expecting, a little so you're on the same page. you could even do a little research together, like Odds mentioned, plus that research might get you two in the mood even more than you are now ;). or, maybe you're more spontaneous, and just want to have at it. go in with no expectations except to bond with your person and to take your relationship to the next level. relax, have fun, don't take it too seriously (except for protection of course).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Me and my bf was virgins and are first time neither off us know what we wass doing but just it felt right it was an experice ill never forget because it was funny we laughted are way though it and were still together now and it just got better were learning about each others bodys and what we like etc just don't expect much from your first time :) and it does hurt for a female because it new and not use to it it painful but that prob just for the first couple off times but best to relax and enjoy :)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 How could he be experienced/skilled if he's never done it before? Even people with talent at piano have to start with scales if you know what I mean.
You should just count on this being a little awkward. Say it's a freebie and it doesn't count til the second time. It takes awhile to learn how to be good in bed and the most important thing is for you to guide him. You need to tell him what feels good, he can't read your mind. There's really no such thing as "good in bed" in general beyond enthusiasm and willingness to learn/listen. What feels off the charts for one woman may feel ho-hum to another. For instance some women LOVE G-spot stimulation others hate it. Some women orgasm from having their nipples touched, others find the sensation irritating.
The most important thing to remember for yourself is that sex for women is not all about intercourse. Only 25% of women ever have an orgasm from intercourse. So whether he's good in bed is unlikely to rest on his penetration skills. If you want a cassonova in bed, you'll need to teach him how you like to be touched and guide him in fingering and oral sex.
Just relax and maybe lower your expectations a bit on the first time. Just have fun.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 December 2011):
 It was fumble-in-the-dark for me, it'll be that way for him, same as every guy. I was just thanking every god I could think of that I lasted ten minutes (no word on Odin's opinion). Fortunately, I knew that I had no idea what I was doing; I knew a couple of easy positions from books, although I did not know at the time exactly how or why one position was supposed to be better than another - only that for some reason, that was important. He'll probably be the same. Maybe he'll try something he saw in a porno, or read about in a "how-to-pleas-her" website. Maybe he'll just guess (a lot of guys are under the incredibly stupid illusion that knowing how to please a woman is a skill they ought to be bored with - but then, a lot of women seem to believe guys ought to be born that way, too, so maybe we're all idiots).
Don't ask him how skilled he is. There is no correct answer to that question, and it will just make him self-conscious.
Plus, if it's your first time, it'll probably hurt a bit at first. Remind him to go slow right before you start.
Still, it should be great. I know I enjoyed my first time, even with all the nerves. The girl seemed to enjoy it, too (it was also her first time). I don't think she was lying about that, since she seemed pretty eager to do it again later. But it won't be great for the virtuoso skills of either of you two (there's technique for girls, too). It'll be great for the physical release and emotional bonding.
Don't worry about technique the first couple of times, just get comfortable with each other (and use protection). After you've done it a few times, do what I did - make a mutual pact with to get skilled. Agree on terms you can both be comfortable with for pitching new ideas and for communicating some constructive criticism. Go through the trial and error, and enjoy it - even below-average sex is still pretty good.
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