A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need to know if this is a *me* problem that I should work on personally, or if I need to talk to my boyfriend about it too.I'll apologize for this being so long now. I just have a lot to say about the issue at hand.This morning, I have no idea what got into me but, I went through all of my boyfriends things. I went through his emails, all of his files on his computer and I even snooped through the attic - I went a bit crazy.When we first started dating I found an email from his ex (whom I knew he was friends with) that asked where she had left one of her belongings in the house, and asked if she could pick it up while he wasn't there. It turned out that she still had a key to HIS HOUSE (after they had been broken up for 3 years). After questioning him about it, he said it was because if he locked himself out, she would have a spare key ... hummm (Why he couldn't leave the spare key with someone like his best friend is beyond me). He later got the key back from her and gave it to me and broke off all contact with her (which I did not ask him to do, he did that of his own accord).So, I found nothing resent. Basically, since the key indecent, he has a perfectly clean record. What I did find has had me in knots all day (serves me right I suppose). I found nude photos of his ex's and he even has a section of his computer (a folder) of all his ex girlfriends (each with their own folders) with all their stuff in it. Photos, resumes, etc. All nealty organized - it was pretty fascinating. What wasn't so fascinating was the fact that he also had letters to each of them recanting the heart-break he endured after their relationships had ended.So, my dilemma is pretty straight forward, should I really be all that upset that he has kept these things? And so neatly organized and packaged for safe-keeping? I have no photos of any of my ex's, no letters, cards, nothing. As far as I'm concerned, it's the past and I'm looking forward to the future. Perhaps it's because of my take on past relationships that I'm having such a difficult time understanding why anyone would want to keep all this old stuff?! I can not comprehend it.In addition, he has no photos of me. He has photos of everyone else except the person that he says he would like to marry - I'm especially having a difficult time with this part.To add to this mess, I know that he has never broken up with any of these women (and had proposed to at least 3 of them). So his talks of wanting to marry me seem all the less genuine. And, when we first started dating he confessed that he still wasn't over the last girlfriend whom broken up with him 3 years prior! Yes, the key ex :\Before my present boyfriend I had never been in what people would call a good relationship. In addition to having really poor taste in men, I also grew up in a home where fighting was normal and I never knew anything different until I met my current boyfriend. I have been cheated on, beaten and worse. Considering that he has never done anything (besides the key thing) to make me distrust him, why did I go through all of his stuff *looking* for something I had no right to look for? Nor, any just cause to look for? I really think some of my issues are valid, but when I take a close hard look at the things I'm upset about I can't help but wonder if the problem is with me, and I'm just knit-picking? I'm obviously trying to find something to be upset about - why would anyone do that?I'm so confused ... help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks to everyone who has contributed their advise and suggestions.
Yes, I feel horrible for what I did.
rhythmandblues2, you really hit the nail on the head. I want to feel secure and I want this relationship to feel special. So, I need to figure out what is causing me to feel as if it isn't that and fix it.
Fatherly Advice, regardless of what I saw on his computer, his actions speak differently. Thanks for pointing that out. And no, I did not check when the files were last accessed (nor do I plan to).
As to the other comments - no, I wouldn't be devastated if he went through my things. As far as I'm concerned he can see whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I don't need any privacy from him nor do I want any. {shrug} I can't explain it, but it sincerely would not bother me in the least.
And the jealousy issue, I really believe it runs deeper then that. Although it would appear as a jealous thing to do, maybe it was more about security. Perhaps it's something even deeper then than that...
Anyhoos, Ifyoudontmind I'm not going to confront him about it. If anything, I would confess my actions, but I'm not certain that is the right thing to do either. I will be honest and tell him that I'm feeling insecure lately (I'll word it better than that) and see where that takes us. I'm 99.9% positive all I need to say is I need to feel a bit more important to him and he'll do everything to make me feel special.
Once again, thanks everyone :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): I don't think your snooping is all that uncommon, we all want security, we all want to be able to trust and knowing that we all have a past, when we fall in love with someone we want that relationship to be special. We aren't jealous of past loves because how could we be jealous of someone who no longer has what we now have, our current boyfriend? But what we are feeling is a threat to our relationship's exclusivity and it's primacy.
When ever you fall in love and date someone, we never start out with the end in mind, we never imagine or think about our lover not being our last or imagine them being with someone else in the future. Otherwise, why would any of us ever marry? It would seem that we would all just resign ourselves to accepting temporary relationships, temporary love in our lives, a series of relationships.
There is a current attitude in our culture that we are behaving and acting out of jealousy when we worry about being confronted or reminded that we are not our spouse or our boyfriend's first. And this is an idiotic notion that we are acting on jealousy. When instead we are acting on fear of loss of someone that is beloved. And as a result many many people feel that they don't owe disclosure to our significant other, that we are being invaded if we share certain parts of ourselves and that our boundaries are being violated. When in fact we owe it to our significant other to be known, to hide nothing from each other if asked, but instead we lie, we belittle and we shame our beloved for wanting to feel exclusive to feel that our relationship is primary over any of these petty issues and primary over any other relationship in our lives.
Peopl who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Really to want to be this exclusive with someone we love is our ability to actually love. Those who are more concerned about personal boundaries and secrecy are really not as able to love, they are more self centered than they are able to put the needs of their partner above their own.
If your need was to feel that your relationship is in fact special, it is exclusive and it is primary in his life to this date then I can understand your stomach being in knots seeing all that on his computer about the other women in his past. But, I don't think you can go out on a limb and make a judgement call about why he has all that. To most people their computer is their file cabinet, he saved those things during the time he was with them and just chose to not delete them. I think people want to remember their life, their whole life, not good or bad because all the people we have loved and lost make us who we are today and they led him to you.
So, no you don't have to 'get over it' and stop being jealous, it goes deeper than just your garden variety jealousy...because love by it's very nature is possessive and a little jealousy is OK it is when it goes off into extremes and into the deep end where it is not OK. If you were to continue breaking into his emails and his voice mails for instance then nothing is ever going to make you happy or feel satisfied in your relationship and this will be very hard for your boyfriend to deal with, but this one incident I think was precipitated by you feeling threatened to know you are not his first and it was triggered by the key being with the ex, and the fact that you know he has proposed to three other women besides you.
It doesn't make his proposal to you any less genuine, you just have to realize that the way to move forward is to do just what he has done, cut contact with all those old loves and has made a conscious decision to commit to you.
So ask him your questions, but I don't know if you would be wise to tell him what you saw, you learned something about him and you didn't find a thing that you feared....you confirmed your worries were just that, now give him your trust and be happy that you are loved.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 You need to look past his past. In other words, by snooping on him all you are doing is piquing your jealousy.
Jealousy is a destructive and inherently inappropriate emotion. When people get jealous they don't think straight. They end up hurting the people they love.
He has kept mementos of his past girlfriends because in each instance he loved them, just as he loves you. He picked you now and I can see he does not give up. Which is good.
In my book, when you truly love someone, you don't give up that easily. That's a sign not of persistence, but of loyalty.
In other words, he intends to be faithful to you as long as you are good to him. By snooping on him and invading his privacy, you've done the equivalent of him reading your diary cover to cover, page to page, line by line.
I had a terrible loss a few years ago, which rebounded thankfully, then ended up into a very terrible loss recently (yes I gave her a 2nd chance because I am in love with her -- but she's gone now again).
In between the two losses, I met a wonderful lady, "JB" is how she liked to be called, and let her use my home during her divorce while I was out of town. This was not a sexual thing. JB needed a safe house because her husband was stalking her during her divorce.
Since I occupy that home only so many days a month, JB took care of it and in the process also read my emails to my ex who I am still very much in love, with despite the recent loss.
The point I am getting at is, JB, who was invading my laptop felt terrible for me. But you see she had no sexual stake in my life and was therefore objective in that area. She did this to help me, not snoop on me.
From that blossomed all of the short stories, poetry, essays and other writings that I had written for my ex over the years. Hundreds and hundreds of these, actually 1200 short stories, essays and poems to be exact and dozens of chapters of a book I had written.
This lady completely organized everything and helped me to put together what may someday be a couple books. JB was a publicist by trade and so this was a labor of love for her.
JB died in October of 2007 from pancreatic cancer. She had just received her divorce decree and within weeks was diagnosed, and shortly after died.
You see sometimes the snooping is done with love, not jealousy. In this case, you did it for jealousy.
Perhaps when you look at all of these things, instead of being jealous, look at them through his eyes and see the kind of love he had for all the other women who left him.
Then, be grateful that he loves you. That is that he picked you. That he has given you his love. Those other women are now in his past. You are his present and hopefully his future.
So if you look at them and compliment all the things these women did for him, and tell him how disappointed you are in them for leaving him and hurting him; maybe he will see that you did not invade his privacy for some nefarious purposes. But instead he will see that you love him so much that you want to know what it is that you can do to make his life and circumstances better and more loving. That's all. If you are sincere, and remove the jealousy part, you will find that he will fall much more deeply for you than ever before.
As for my friend JB, I wish she'd have lived. I miss her as she was a friend who's passing hurt me emotionally. She was a great person and I miss her today and every day since she passed.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I see some good things here. First he is organized, a rare gift among men. Second, he is not a quitter, he sticks with his loves. And third he is not treating you the same as the others, he is hoping for better. (the only reason I can think that he has no pictures of you)Since you were in snooping, did you check when the files were last viewed? That is more important than that he hasn't disposed of them. I know that when I was newly wed my wife would get jealous if I mentioned an old flame. Last year my very first girlfriend showed up unannounced and she thought nothing of it. You want what every girl wants, security. When you feel secure these things will stop bothering you.I don't know about snooping, but I do believe in disclosure. It is a sign of trust. I trust you that you will not freak out when you know all about me. You trust me to tell you everything. I'm assuming that you are living together and there is a commitment between you. That relationship should be based on trust. But, we are people, we have weaknesses. Remember that you believe that the past is gone and you live for the future. Let his past be gone.FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I think snooping is bad. ( I know we ALL get tempted, but it shows a huge lack of trust, if he hasn't given any reason for you not to trust him, you need to have respect for him AND his privacy.)I think your background is a big issue for you. Trusting other is not easy for you, and even if he is a good person, you are still looking for faults. THOSE are YOUR insecurities, something you should work on. Realize those don't go away over night, but you can control them.Maybe the EX-girlfriends and their folders is his way of dealing with heartbreak, it does sound a little creepy if you ask me, but each to their own.I don't keep pictures of my Ex's. I might have one some where I really don't know. I don't collect mementos, but some people do. You want him to have pictures of you? Have some taken just for him :) ( And no, they don't have to be naughty ok?)I think you need to stop OVERANALYZING this guy and start enjoying the fact that he might jsut be a good guy. Take it one day at a time.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I think your boyfriend would be totally devestated if he knew you went through his stuff...it's a pretty despicable thing to do (imagine if he did it to you??? you would think he was a controlling monster, so why is it even ok for you to do it???)So you found stuff from his ex's??? nude pictures...you would be surprised what most people keep from their past and we all have secrets to varying degrees that we would hate for anyone else to know about. My dad has been married to my Mother for 50 years but he STILL keeps a photo of his first girlfriend in his wallet...does my mother care???...50 years of happiness says not!!Maybe your own trust issues built up from the past have made you doubt his love for you (understandable but not forgiveable)They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and now you have found stuff that, quite frankly, you had no business to find your mind is going into overdrive wondering if he's really for you!!! If he ever discovers what you have done I think he would never be able to trust you again so it would be your own fault.You seem like the type of person who feels the need to scrutinize every detail (much like a detective) so perhaps you need to address your own trust issues before getting into a marriage with him.Best of luck...and quit your snooping!!!xxx Aunty Em xxx
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female
reader, jessycat +, writes (31 August 2009):
 i would be upset about all of it .. i went snooping last nite too ..and i have more important things to do than snoop through my fiances things.. i think its because we have trust issues and after you found out about the key you wanted to see what more there was hidden from you .. thats the big thing here .. if he didnt think it was wrong or that it would hurt you why are they hidden?? i do have old photos of me and my exs... no nudes .. but all the letters and things like that i have thrown away .. i keep the pictures because it was part of my life.. maybe some of it would be better off forgot about but , im not going to forget anyway .. i really have no reason to keep the pictures other than like i already said those are also pictures of me and part of my life.. i love pictures i have more than almost anyone i know..
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reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (31 August 2009):
Well, That one is in depth. I would suggest confronting him on the issues as in, why do you still need these folders and files? I mean. Coming from a guys perspective, I can say that I do still have things of my exes, I keep them all in the same spot because despite the bitterness from the break up, there are still some good memories that the mementos to bring up.Finding those things does hurt, I have been on both ends. I dont think its a threat because he is with you. But nevertheless act on what your impulses say. Do you feel as though he would be unfaithful to you?It doesnt make much sense the nude photos still saved.. I mean that one would definently make me jealous. But at the same time, its old.. so I dont know.My best advice would be , see what he says when confronted. If he is apologetic, he may have forgotten they even exist. So , try it out.Let me know-iydm
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