A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my fiancee who I have been with for 8 years and have a 3 month old son with had an affair with my mother.She told me a couple of days ago, she said that it happened about 2 years ago. A month before he proposed to me actually. She said that they had sex on a regular basis for nearly 6 months. I am EXTREMELY angry at both of them not to mention very grossed out. I have confronted my fiancee and he reluctantly admitted it and he apologized and cried and begged me to forgive him. He tried to blame it all on my mother and said that she seduced him and that he tried to say no. I don't buy it! 6 months is a long time to be unwillingly having sex with someone!I'm hurt and confused... I still love him so much... I am not sure what to do... also, how do I deal with my mother? I never want to talk to her again. I don't know how to cope. Do I stay with him for the sake of our baby? Everything was totally fine in our relationship until my mother told me about their affair... I feel sick when I think of it... we were so happy together and now this secret comes out and I have no clue what to do. Help!!!xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Kick him out, and sue for child support and disown your mother for a while. Why on earth did she tell you about that anyway?
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Hi,
I feel so sorry for you. The two people you love most in this world have betrayed you.
I'm sorry but I dont buy your mother's concern for you. She is acting out of selfishness pure and simple.
They are both despicable individuals and the great tragedy is that you have a child with this man.
He is a despicable individual because he blamed it on your mother, six months? yeah right , he was seduced, gimme a break.
And your mother? pretending to be the concerned parent? Sheesh, her daughter has a new born baby and she confesses that she was screwing the father. Yeah she really is concerned about your welfare, what a selfish heartless woman.
As for what to do? You really need time to gather your thoughts, your mother will always be your mother and your boyfriend will always be the father of your child.
Your partner needs to move out and give you space until you decide what to do.
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Wow, that's a hard pill to swallow. To be betrayed by the two people who should love and care for you the most must be very painful. The advice I am going to give is strictly my optinion, you should consider all the advice that's been given and decide what works best for you. Personally, I would leave him for good. How can someone who supposedly loves you so much and want to marry you, have sex with your mother!?! That's just insane and unforgivable. If he was able to maintain this secret realationship with your mother for such a long time, who knows if he will ever do it again with someone else? He didn't show any guilt or remorse until he got caught. What if you catch a sexually transmitted disease because he can't keep his penis in his pants?
As for your mother, it's hard to say why she confessed this to you. It probably depends on what kind of relationship you have with her. If you guys were actually close before this whole incident it could be that she feels overwhelmed with guilt and she doesn't want you to marry a man who she knows is unfaithful. If you weren't very close then it could be because she is very selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Maybe she wants him to herself or maybe she feels that if she can't have him then she doesn't want you to either.
Either way - they have both hurt and betrayed you. I would suggest you get some professional counseling, because even if you can't mend your relationship with either one of them it will be hard for you to ever trust anyone in the future. If you want to mend your relationship with your mother, I would suggest you go to counseling together. As for your fiance, I know it's hard because you love him and you have a baby together, but do you think you could ever fully trust him again? Don't look down on yourself for this, you are the victem. I don't know if you are religious at all, but I have recently separated from my husband (who became physically abusive) and I have 2 little boys. It's been one of the hardest thing that I've endured and it wasn't until I started going to church and put my faith in God that my life has gotten easier to cope with and each day gets better and better. I wish you all the best and may God bless you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Thank you for all of your advice... I am devastated... I haven't eaten since I found out... I cannot sleep... my fiancee is sleeping on the couch.. I don't want him anywhere near me. He bought me flowers this morning and a breakfast from McDonalds... he left them outside my door with a small note that said basically that he is sorry and he loves me... I haven't spoken to him... I cannot look him in the eye. I am focussing on my baby 100%. I've called in sick to work as well... I'm just a wreck... I feel like my whole world is collapsing. My mother called me today as well. I wish they both would give me space.
To answer some questions...
RE: How/why my mother told me
I am not sure... I was at her place for lunch, because we do that once a week, we chat and whatnot... I have/had a very close friendship with my mother...
I told her that I had decided where and when me and my fiancee were going to get married... I was excited to tell her the date, and when I did she began acting funny and I asked her what was wrong... she told me what was going on because I pressured her to tell me why she was behaving so oddly, she was sullen and quiet- not like her at all. I guess maybe she felt bad letting me get married to a man who had betrayed me... or maybe she still has feelings for him and doesn't want to lose him to me 'officially'...
I have not asked for any details as to HOW the affair began or how often they met or anything... I just don't need to know... I can't even think clearly... I want to vomit... I trusted him... we have slept together so many times since then... I am revolted and disturbed... it seems almost incestuous.
My mother told me he was cute, she said he was a very good catch, but I thought that was just what mothers do... she is almost 50 years old, and my boyfriend never seemed interested... I had no idea that there was anything going on there.
I am going to research affordable therapy... it'll be hard to pay for since I have to raise a baby now... I am so miserable... we were just about to start a life together, with a baby, and we were going to get married... I just don't know what to do... I think I might be able to forgive him... but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my mother.
Thanks for the help... I appreciate it... I have no one else to turn to. Normally I would go to my mother whenever we had problems.
I am terrified of the future right now..
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I am curious as to the motivation. WHY did your mother tell you? As I see it, there was no reason to UNLESS she is trying to break the two of you up, so she can nail him again.
Bottom line is that one of them has got to go. If you decide to make things work with him, you WILL have to cut her out. If you dump him, I doubt very much you would ever be able to trust your mother agian with your next fella.
Start looking to distence yourself from your mother first. Then as time goes on, build up your own resources, and then separate yourself from the father of your child.
I know it is not much of a comfort to you, but this happens more than people realise...but usually people keep their mouths shut. I still do not see why your mother would have told you unless she has serious problems.
You just got betaryed on multiple levels.
I wish you peace and hope you heal.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Bronze +, writes (9 October 2007):
As others have expressed, I can't figure out why your mother would dump this on your lap considering that it happened so long ago and so soon after having a baby. I'm giving your mother the benefit of the doubt and assuming she wanted to come clean. However, I'm a firm believer that some things should stay secret. The truth may set you free, but it usually causes more trouble than it's worth.
Anyway, now that this is all out in the open, I really think that you need to seek out counseling and ask yourself if you can bring yourself to forgive them or move on. If you say that you still love him, then I feel you need to confront him and make certain that this is what he wants, because it's no longer just about the two of you. There's a baby to consider now.
As for your mother, it's hard to tell what her intentions were in revealing this to you. Only you know her and what she's like, and only you can bring yourself to either forgive her or distance yourself.
All in all, if you decide to stick it out, then you all need to attend counseling as a family, because that's what you all are going to be. If you choose to end your relationship with your fiancee and/or break contact with your mother, then still attend counseling to help you cope. Don't keep it in or assume it will go away with time. It won't. It will only fester and come back to haunt you later on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): My heart goes out to you. The two people in your life whom you love and trust have done this to you. I personally would want them both out of my life for good. I just couldnt let them get away with it and i would never forgive either of them. I would cut them completely out of my life, but i am not you. You have to decide on that for yourself, not an easy decision but a one that you must make. How will you feel being with your bloke knowing that he has made love to your mother? YUK!!! How can you even speak to your mother knowing what she has done? No way could i let them near me ever again even if you have a child.
Take care and keep in touch.
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): It was bad enough that this happened, but what I simply cannot understand is why your mother told you about it.
To my mind she must have wanted to hurt you really badly to let you know about it, or perhaps she wanted you to leave him so that she could have him to herself?
This is betrayal of the shittiest variety all-round. I think if I were you I'd leave the pair of them to get on with it. But that's easy for me to say.
Like the others are saying, some counselling might help.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I would recommend family counseling for all three of you. The two people you loved and trusted most in the whole world have both betrayed you in the worst way. I know of no other way to get past this horrible event. You need to understand why they did it -- was your mother simply trying to re-capture her youth, and needed validation from a younger man (your boyfriend was "safer" than some kid on the street) and also in some sick, sadistic way, she competed with you and won (so to speak)....And your b/f, does he have like no self control? Because if that's the case, he'll give in to any woman who presents herself to him. You can't build a future with someone like that. You must get to the bottom of this mess before you can move forward. You may want to give him the boot regardless of your child, but dealing with your feelings of betrayal towards your mother is going to be much harder since you are related. Try counseling and hopefully out of that will come some answers and then some healing. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 October 2007):
 They are both to blame. It's not like your mother said "if you want me to approve of your relationship I have to try you out first."
About the baby, that's up to you. I think families should stay together and raise their children, unless the behavior of one can damage the healthy physical or mental growth of the child.
This is a difficult one because it's a double trust violation, not just one. We get these feelings of not knowing what to do because their have got to be a thousand questions running through your mind.
First of all their is no excuse for what either one of the did. Don't accept anything for an excuse. You mentioned seduction, he would still have a choice. In order to begin healing, you're going to have to confront them. You not only need questions answered, but you need to tell them exactly how you feel about their behavior. How it hurt you. How irresponsible behavior can affect a child. How you feel this is sick. How upset you are by his behavior. But mainly how hurt you are by this behavior.
It doesn't matter if your boyfriend is a "chipendale" your mothers obligation is to you. Whether your boyfriend and you stay together or not, therapy is needed. You'll really need it after this incident either way as a personal therapy. Your mom needs therapy to learn and get a real firm grasp about what this behavior causes. If she refuses, I'd really consider limited time with your child. You wouldn't want her picking this as a good bedtime story.
I hope you get this sorted out. I really could care less about if your mom does, or if your boyfriend does, I care if you do because you are the strength behind your baby's growth.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 This is a very difficult question to answer. I will try to do my best.
To help you with your confusion:
Both your fiancée and your mother have behaved in a very, very callous way. I would be a lot angrier than you are now. And yes, I would feel very, very hurt.
None of them cared about you. It will sound excessive and harsh, but, maybe as of today none of them cares about you, either.
How cowardly of his to say that your mother "seduced him" and he "tried" to say no. How bad that he proposed to you. How bad that he won't accept his responsibility. Shame on him.
I don't think your mother wants the best for you by saying she had sex regularly with your fiancée. Maybe she wanted to hurt you. How could your mother sleep with him? Shame on your mother, too.
None of them can claim that they didn't know what they were doing. And, it was not one moment; it was six months.
Your relationship wasn't fine before. You just were unaware of this terrible thing happening behind your back.
You have every right to be angry and hurt. And, you need to do what is best for you and your child. Don't feel like you owe anything to them. Or like you should be more forgiving. They didn't take you into account before.
I don't feel like I could give you wise advise on what to do about your mother and your fiancée. Whatever you do will have serious consequences for all of you.
However, this one thing I would say: I don't think you should marry him. You have a child, yes, and he has a right to see this child; but I don't think it would be right to marry him.
Also, I think that you should keep some distance from your mother, too. You don't mention it in your post, but, apparently she has not even apologized.
Maybe you need some time away from both of them to think things through.
My heart is with you. You know where to find us if you need more help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): You poor soul! This is going to be a difficult time for you and I understand not only your disgust and horrific thoughts but also the betrayal by two people you loved.
What can someone do? I was told by my mother that my husband hit on her and I was devastated, not only at the thoughts of such a thing but also that she took eight years to tell me and happily let me marry him thinking that he was into her! As it turned out in my case - MY MOTHER GOT IT WRONG! It was only a cheesy compliment which she misinterpreted. However she still thought it was for real! So whilst nothing like your situation happened the feelings I touched on would be a small part of what you are feeling.
I think your mother is appauling, sorry. Not only did she do this but then, when things had passed, she decided to tell you! That hurts.
Sweetheart, this is something you need help with to cope. Your baby is your first priority, and yourself. Can you ask him to leave for a bit to get your head together?
Is there another family member or friend who can give your some support?
Tell your mother that you are horrified that she has done this to you and that your devastated that she could behave and betray you. I would find it hard to continue a relationship with my mother after this. I would need alot of space and distance with my mother if this happened to me.
I am not sure if any of this helps but needed to tell you that your feelings and hurt are totally understandable and the fact that you are now very confused is also understandable. I would suggest perhaps some therapy or couselling to help you with all of your emotions.
Hopefully other aunts may be able to give you some more constructive advice.
All my love to you and your baby. Take care xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): he seems genuinly sorry if he begged you as you described, although i have to admit there is a i bit of suspicion there when he blamed it all on your mother. you should treat them equally. they were both willing and it seems they both love you. if it was your mother who told you then it seems she is more regretful, and you fiance, well... 8 years is a long time to be with anyone. you should ask yourself, do you know him that well enough? marriage is a difficult time in a relatinship and if you cant trust him now then maybe you should cancel it all. im not sugesting you do this, just bear it in mind. finally, two years ago is while back, and maybe when he prposed to you, it was his way of regret and realised you again.
good luck,
crawfy
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