A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Husband and I want to have a baby. here is the Problume. He is 52 I am 32, he Drinks WAYYYYY too much, not drunk every night, but he drinks a bottle of wine a night. He had a heart attack and noooo that didn't stop him from Drinking or smoking...alway the excuse. NO he is NOT abusive BTW. ;) I just want the truth. I know that they all want us to quit Drinking and smoking ect ect, but WHAT IS THE TRUTH!! Dose anyine here have a story about someone in my situation who did get pregnant? Please let me know if I need to get a Donor. Thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionraspberryshus,
thank you so much for that. My husband has 2 kids from his first marrage. He loves those girls with every last breath he takes. He is a GREAT Father, that is one of the things I fell in love with. He would do anything for them. If fact when he was married to his that EX of his, she would sleep till Noon and get really nasty if she had to get up sooner then that, she would keep the BABIES, up untill at least 1-2:00 Am. He finally went nuts and forced her to put them on a schedual. Then he would get up for work, get ready, make them Lunch (when they were older) and get them ready for school, he would take them to school and then drive 2 hours to get to the office. He would then come home, help them with home work and then make dinner. (Yeah he is that great.) On the weekends he would take them either to Vermont, the Jersey Shore or to Six Flags Great Adventure, and they would allways be allowed to bring a friend. There is NOTHING that he wont do for them. HE did all the work. He is a kick butt Dad. He is now working on no longer drinking, when he dose drink and when he does get drunk, he is fun and funny, no nastiness there. :) Yes I am looking forward to having a child with him, I trust him, and I am madly in love with him. HE IS a wonderful Dad. he is working extra hours because my youngest step-Daughter wants to go to a VERY expensive Design school in NY. We both make really good money also so the baby will have everything he or she needs or wants. :) Same withmy Step-Daughters. :) Thank you again for that comment. :) means a lot to me. :)
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female
reader, raspberryshus +, writes (30 October 2010):
Not to disagree with everyone else on this post but I think that some of the advise that you have recieved is extremely personally and culturally biased. There is no formula for the perfect father...he may drink and smoke but may be the most emotionally amazing parent that you could imagine. Many abusive parents do not drink. Your child will consider his/her father a demigod unless you make him/her think otherwise. My first question is if you think he would be a good father? My next question would be how much support do you expect from him? I only ask because if you are willing to accept him...faults and all...and love him...you can make up for those faults with responsible parenting. In other words..you have to ask yourself before you even conceive this child what it is that you expect from the father of your child when it comes to parenting and contempate whether or not you personally can balance what he is willing to give. You also have to remember this because once you decide to have a child you cannot hold his faults against him or expect changes because you whole heartedly knew what you got yourself into. I would start with a good conversation....over a bottle of wine of course....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for such kind words. i am very proud of him. He and I talked and he feels bad for all that he did. He asked me to be patiant with him because he is going through 2 big life changes. I know how it feels for him. I quit smoking 2 years ago. I'll be good to him as well, and understanding. ;) Thank you both again. xoxoxoxo
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reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Awesome! Your lucky to have a man who works so hard to please you! Hope you guys succeed and have that beautiful baby!
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Glad to hear things are improving. Good luck with all your endeavours! :^D
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate on my husband that you all seem to dislike so much even though you don't know him. He has quit smoking, what he didn't tell me because he wanted it to be a suprise, was that he ordered the E-ciggerette. This is a great quiting tool. He saw his Dr. this morning and told him about his drinking prob. He is now on a pill that makes him really sick if he drinks. So see that all that worring was for nothing!!! Thank you all. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK...ummmm Wow. OK I guess i painted this wonderful man in a really bad picture. When he had his first 2 he was also drinking heavy. ( Ex wife was abusesive) He quit drinking for the kids sake. I know many people who are in their 40's and 50's have kids and the kids love it. At this age people are more concerned about the kids than going to parties and whatever. I am not offended btw. Thank you all for the concern for the child. His hear attack was mild and he is concerned about having another ne but the STUPID Doc told him that drinkiong has nothing to do with the issue. I hate that guy. He eats right and is very active. OK Hyper I have to say. lol. I would NEVER allow a drink into my home when I have a baby. We did discuss this. ;) Thank you again all.
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 Well this is just my opinion but maybe this is something you should think about? After all, when you have a child you have to think about giving the child the best chance in life, and the best life possible.
Your husband is 52. That means when the child is 20, he will be 72. He has already had a heart attack therefore his health is not good even at 52 - so realistically what chances are there of him even being around when the child is 10, when your husband is 62? Is it fair to your child that dad wont be able to run around and play with him/her, see him/her get married and if its a girl, walk her down the aisle? What about the taunts the child will get at school? My best friend's father was fairly old (about 48-50) when he had her and at school all the kids would tease her saying "oh is that grandad here to pick you up?!". She used to go home in tears every day until she asked her dad to stop picking her up from the school gates and she would walk home with me and my mum.
Even now my best friend aged 23 is having to act as carer to her parents who are both in their mid-late 60's. Her mum has had a stroke, her dad has had both knees replaced and has severe artritis. She does not live the life she wants, or the life of a typical 23 year old. She cant really go out with friends, or spend much time with her fiance. She works full time then goes home and cares for her parents. Is that really the life you want to give your child?
I know this is harsh and you are probably going to be very offended but I just want you to take this into consideration. Yes you may WANT a child, but can you really have a child for selfish reasons? Surely you should have a child only if you are certain you can give it a good life? And a father aged over 50 can never be all that a child needs from a father. Espically one that is not even in good health in his early 50's. I think having a child would be very unfair on the child, and in my opinion this is just as bad as teenagers having kids. They cannot provide a good life for a child, and neither can parents over the age of 45.
Your husband clearly does not take his health seriously, having a heart attack should be a wake up call but if he does not have any regard for his health then he is not fit to be a father and he would be a terrible role model. Drinking and smoking is not an environment a child should be in, and it would be irresponsible of you to allow yourself to bring a child into that environment. If your husband really wanted a child as much as you do, then he would have quit smoking and drinking, and would be trying his best to improve his health. So my thoughts are that you want this child much more than he does, and he is continuing to smoke and drink in order to delay and hopefully prevent him having to have a child.
If I were you I would just accept that having a child with this man is not fair on the child and put an end to the idea. But if you are determined to have a child and dont care about the implications for the child of having elderly parents then you are going to have to talk to him seriously about this and find out if he does really want a child. My bet is the real answer is no - the only reason he will have gone along with the idea is to keep you happy. But he already has kids, and his health is not good, so I'm pretty sure the truth is he doesnt really want another one.
If you are going to go ahead with this then be very prepared for the reality of being a single mother, as this could happen as soon as within the next 5 to 10 years if he carries on this way.
I hope you dont take this as a personal attack or criticism, I know this will be hard to take and sorry if there was any offense caused. I just want to make sure you really think this through and think about the wellbeing of the child in the future - you are bringing a life into this world therefore you have to do your best by that child. And I dont think anyone would really say the best thing for a child is to have an elderly father who may not be around for them when they really need them.
Good luck!
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reader, jimrich +, writes (21 September 2010):
re: WHAT IS THE TRUTH!!
... IMO, the 'truth' is that you SHOULD NOT EVER submit a child to that kind of DYSFUNCTION. Kids need and deserve the best parental role models you can give them and ALCOHOLISM is not a good example show kids.
No, you don't need a Donor........you need a sober and responsible partner!
DON'T BRING A CHILD INTO THAT MESS!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both. This is great information. I did forget to mention that he is a VERY Healthy eater. I also need to add that he is doing what he can to quit smoking. He hates it and he is going to see a Dr. about that soon. He seems to feel that he is only having 4 glasses of wine a night because that is all that is in a bottle. I think I am going to call his dr. and let her know what he saying. I also think that if I can get his youngest daughter who really hates his drinking to talk to him. Also He dose smoke outside he refuses to do it in the house or the car. He hates the smell. How weird is that? lol
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reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (21 September 2010):
Alcohol consumption always has a direct effect on fertility and when paired with smoking-yikes! Even if he succeeds in impregnating you, how are you going to stay around secondhand-smoke and risk hurting your baby? My cousin was born with health complications because her dad smoked packs a day and later developed bronchitis/asthma. After he quit, she was much better! If HE really wants a child a lifestyle change is in order. At his age, he simply cannot be taking such risks with his health. He's had one heart attack and should take care. But ok, about the baby...have a doctor to run fertility tests on you both. If ur hubby needs a little nudge, he'll be prescribed pills. Also, change from briefs to boxers. Briefs weaken sperm production. Have him eat more fruit too and stay away from hot tubs and too-hot showers. Also, experts have found that sex in the infamous "doggy-style" position give sperm a more thorough route to the egg and fertilization. Spinach I hear too is a fertility food :p Good luck!
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 September 2010):
If he is drinking every night and smoking (not in the house), do you want to raise a child pretty much by yourself? You have the foresight to go into this knowing that he has already had one heart attack and hasn't changed his lifestyle, he might not be around too much longer, and most children would like to see their Dads at their weddings. It sounds cruel to say this to you, but you know this is a distinct possibility.
If you ARE serious about going ahead with this, and it's quite possible that his swimmers are intact despite all of this, perhaps you should consult his physician about different treatments for alcohol abuse and addiction problems, not just for yours and the potential child's, but for his health as well.
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