A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married with 2 kids. The past year we met another married couple and have really hit it off with them and been partying most every weekend together. Well the other husband was very flirty with me in the beginning, sometimes hugging me a bit too much or giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, etc. Nothing too serious. Well one thing led to another and I have developed a crush on this guy. He calls or texts me a couple of times a week but always innocent conversations, never anything sexual. He talks about his wife all the time and is very loving with her in front of me and my husband. Anyways, the other night, they ended up staying over and we all partied in the hottub. well things progressed, we all ended up naked, my girlfriend and I were topless, hugging and kissing (OMG!) while the guys were staring at us. It was ridiculous and her and I were just laughing about it. I certainly have no chemistry with her whatsoever.. however, her husband started to finger me in the hottub! I kept swadding his hand away but he kept trying it. It was out of control! I know my husband didn't do anything like that with the other wife, and I'm pretty sure she didn't know her husband was doing this to me.. Anyways, I didn't feel right about it and kind of felt violated in a way.. the balls on that guy! The next day when we had a minute alone I just told him he was being naughty yesterday and he laughed it off as being drunk... The real problem is that I am really falling in love with him and I am losing my mind over all this! I don't even know what is going on anymore? What does he want from me? They said they had never done anything like that and are not swingers. My husband and I never did anything like that either. It was just a crazy night. My question is, what do I do now? Obviously I should stay away but we are all such close friends.. I have such a strong attraction to him and he seems to really love his wife. He talks a lot to me and I think I just really like the attention he gives me and the interest he shows in me. What is he doing with me? He also keeps coming over to our house during the week and wants to do things with my husband.. Is he really just being a friend with my husband and that was just a crazy night? I feel to terrible, because I seem to have lost all sense of control and am just totally crazy about this guy. They seem to have a good sex life .. well mine sucks.. I have no sexual chemistry with my husband anymore and am actually pretty sexually frustrated, which puts me at a very vulnerable position. So my question is this: What do I do now?? What are this guys intentions? I feel like he is playing a cat and mouse game with me.
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crush, drunk, flirt, kissing, sex life, sexually frustrated, swinging, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I have to honest and say I felt quite sick imagining the situation you have described, imagining it was me for just a moment was horrible. Please stay right away from these awful people they are no good.
Thank goodness you appear to have a loyal if somewhat non assertive husband.
It is gross of course you felt violated and he is doing everything he can to try and have a threesome with you and his wife 'feeling in love' is only temporary and this can only end in utter disaster.
As for being close friends FRIENDS do not do what this guy did and what his clearly trying to manipulate. STAY AWAY.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 June 2011):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-mum-was-caught-cheating-on-my-dad.html
This is what happens when you cheat - your kids basically turns against you, and your marriage ends in depression and resentment.
You already have great advice here, so read this post I've linked you too, and make a decision as to whether you sort your marriage out, or get a divorce. Just don't play with fire, or believe me you will soon find out the meaning of misery. Your children will be the ones who are screwed up most, and they will judge you almost entirely on what the decision you make here and now.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Simple answer. Stop spending time alone with them.
When you go on a diet for your health do you keep sitting in front of a cake and hoping you will not be tempted?
Stop being delusional that these people are "just freinds". You are ALLOWING yourself to be tempted. F
ocus on your husband. Get into a Hottub with HIM alone and feel free to play!
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A
male
reader, krit  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 you are falling in love with his finger ...actually MIDDLE FINGER n we know that means.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): "I have no sexual chemistry with my husband anymore"
You never will until you work on that relationship and stop fantasizing and flirting and accepting the flirting from the other man.
"He calls or texts me a couple of times a week but always innocent conversations, never anything sexual."
BS, these are all innuendos to get you thinking about him and work on the "relationship". Nothing innocent at all. He's just waiting for an invitation to come over when your husband is gone and he is available.
Also, remember, the average male has about twice the alcohol tolerance as the average female. You may very well have an alcohol problem and not realize it.
Check this questionnaire out...be honest and remember to not ignore the results or your family will pay for it.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
As for his wife, visualize this, think of cheating on her with him as digging a hole, putting her in it, and then standing over her and pissing and shitting all over her along with her husband doing the same, because that is exactly what you are doing.
Go ahead and stick your husband down there as well and visualize you encouraging your boyfriend to piss and shit on your husband, because that is it in a nutshell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your great answers! "Freeme" you hit the nail right on the head! I am reading a marriage counseling book right now and will get one on sex as well. I love my husband. I will focus on the real problem here, which is a lackluster sexlife in my OWN relationship :) Love you all. Oh, and Love Girl, thanks for the tough love but please don't judge me so harsh. You have no idea who I am. Obviously I am on here to get some sense talked into me not to look for permission to go after another man. Your comments did wake me up though. I have too much self respect to be who you think I am (and maybe was on the way to becoming).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl, I get the message. Thanks for being brutally honest. The reason I am on here is to get straight talk from people like you. Please don't judge me. You don't know me or anything about me. If I was such a rotten person you believe I was, I would have already had an affair but I am on here to have some more sense talked into me as I am struggeling with this issue. I never want to break up families let alone my own. Problem is sometimes inappropriate feelings develop. I am aware of the issue. That is why I am on here. Not to be encouraged to have an affair. Thanks for your honesty. I will stay away from this crap. I love my family and myself too much to have an affair with another man. And to get the point straight, I did not let him touch me. He kept trying. There are always two people to an affair. FYI.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I think the reason u your sex life w/your hb is bad is cause of this guy. Your so into him that your hb doesn't intrest u anymore. Your always thinking of this other guy your hb doesn't cross your mind in that way anymore. Like that one person said pretend your having sex w/your crush and do it to your hb. The only way this crush will go away is if u guys avoid eachother. But don't make it obvious and just stop all contact. That will prob be the hardest thing to do cause your gonna crave him a lot. I think this is the only way u will be able to save your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-he-testing-the-waters-or-am-i.html
This was your original post in November 2010, I know you have just posted your juicy scandalous update and I thought I should make it a tad bit easier for the Aunts so that they get the full picture.
When you play with fire, u get burnt. No exceptions.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): What do u do now? Well you keep your legs closed, that is what u do.
Fingering you in the presence of your hb and his wife, undercover? And you let him? Honey he knows that u are going to be an easy lay bec you have been giving him all the signs.
Happily married you say? You are just a few moments away from becoming the adulterer u want to be and the homewrecker you know you are.
Harsh words? Then do something about it. I cannot tell u to stop this madness. Only u can IF u want to.
Best friends? How about worse enemies pretty soon? Perhaps 2 divorces and then what? Just nasty gossip with the neighbours and your kids left devastated? You do know that your games will destroy lives, don't you?
Anyways u decide. You are not a child so stop playing with peoples lives.
Btw: the reason u are no longer "happily married" is bec u have stopped investing in your hb and marriage. Instead of looking all starry eyed and eyeing your friends hb, start getting your act together.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 His goal might be just one...to get into your pants and you are vulnerable right now since your sex life is so boring and frustrating.
Even when one is under the influence of alcohol,they still have an idea about what they are doing since they'll remember everything the next day when they are sober.
Have you tried to talk to your husband about the sex in your marriage?
I think that is where the solution lies,work out on the sex issue in your marriage and once it has worked out,you'll be able to put this poacher out of your mind.
If things continue this way,be sure to lose it and end up doing something you might regret.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): The only reason you care what game this guy is playing with you is because you are in such a bad situation with your husband. IMO you should stop focusing on the side issue and tackle the main one.
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A
female
reader, bluessy  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Dear Mrs. Mouse and Cat game!
You know the deal! You need to stay far from him! He seems to be daring to say the least! He may put you in a situation where his wife and your husband start to suspect something is going on and you might lose your best friend and your husband. No more drinking and going to the hot tube! When you are out with the couple, SIT AWAY from your girlfriends husband!!! Do not be alone with him.
Now, you say you and your husband's sexual chemistry is just not happening. Well, this other man might be the right ingredient to stir up your chemistry with your husband. Men do this all the time, oops! Let me say some men & women... :) Think of this other man when you are having sex with your husband. Take all that good feeling and drive your husband wild with it. Maybe your kinky ways will stir something up in him. To me it sounds like your husband still has something left in him. Who knows maybe a foursome is what everyone wants but is too afraid to say it. Well, think twice! Be wise!
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Wow- On the one hand I say, you get what you get when you play with fire. However, at the end there you mention how frustrated you are in your marriage with the sex, and in the end, this is what your question is about. I see it this way, because I don't think your heart would be wandering if this was not the case.
So what to do? Kids first. You have kids. Are you willing to throw away their current understanding of family for this guy? (Not to mention what it will do to his.)
For the sake of your kids, here are my suggestions to you:
1. Stop going out and seeing this other couple for awhile. You don't have to admit to anything and you don't have to make it dramatic. You can ween off them over the course of a couple of months. Find some things going on, on the weekends and ask your husband to take the family to them. Take small inexpensive trips, go see family. Make some excuses to be too busy to party on the weekend.
2. Fix the sex problem. Many ways to approach this. Direct communication with your ex, read books, seek counseling. Ask yourself what attracted you to him at the start, and what has changed. See if you can get him to participate in rekindling what you had.
Even after all of this, if you come to the conclusion that your marriage is failing and you need to move on, you still should not pursue this guy unless he comes to the same conclusion without your help. True love is true love, but when you have kids and families involved, influencing someone out of their marriage is never the right thing to do. You need to back away, let the cards fall where they may.
As for having an affair. NO.
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