A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know that this must sound horrible, but I am unfortunetely desperate. There's a guy I've been good friends with for a long while, and I could even say that I love him. However, he's dating a girl that treats him horribly. Unfortunetely, I went through a brief stage of depression and he and I lost contact. Now I would love to get back together with him as friends, and perhaps help him to see how much I love him, and how much she doesn't, because he's (metaphorically) blinded right now. So, all in all, main question: how do I respark our friendship?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 July 2007):
 Actually, you may be the one who's blinded. You see her as bad because you want him. It's quite possible your view is tainted by your desire for him. Can you elaborate and say why she is so terrible? That would help to clarify if she is actually terrible or if you're seeing things in a manner that only justify your actions.
You have to be honest also. You don't want to get back to being his friend. That is 100 % false. You want to be his partner. That is true. Friends don't try and ruin the love life of another friend. In this case, your opinion about his choice of women is void or jaundiced because you want him too. It's as if you were at an auction, in a bidding war, telling the person your bidding against all the bad points about the article for sale. It's meaningless.
If you want to be with him as a partner, that is OK. But be honest, you're trying to manipulate the situation.
A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (4 July 2007):
 I think you can be good friends again.
There are two ways to accomplish this.
Either bring back memories of "you and him" or build it anew.
Speaking about "he's dating a girl that treats him horribly":
You may be right or wrong, but his opinion counts, not yours.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2007):
 I think you could bring the friendship back simply by contacting him and trying to make up for lost time. This is the easy part.
The hard part is getting him to love you as a woman. I don't know the people and I agree that his girlfriend might be treating him horribly, but showing that to him will not necessarily make him love you. His being with her, and his loving you, are two very different things, and the only relationship between the two is that you will not have him for as long as he loves her.
Maybe he's happy with her, with the bad treatment and all.
I'm afraid this is not what you want to hear, but I think it would be very good to become friends with him again, but it would be very bad to give him reasons to put an end to his relationship just because you want him for you.
I understand your feelings and my heart is with you. But, as a person said once, "your best friend is not the one who only tells you the pretty things you want to hear". In this case, I think that "the best agony aunt..." you get the point.
I wish you the best.
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