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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. We met through work and have never lived together. I live in London and she lives in Birmingham. We are both very career orientated people, as an actor I need to be in London for my work and she needs to be around Birmingham for her profession as a musician in an orchestra. We both strive for success in our respected professions, and are very tolerent of the certain pressures that a career in the music & acting industy can impose on a relationship. Recently my girlfriend said that she was worried about the future. She is unsure how things would develop, because at present it is difficult to find the time to get together. At the moment neither of us wan't to give up our locations and move in together, yet it does feel like if that doesn't happen soon we are going to lose everything we have built up in our relationship. I don't have a desire to marry or have children, I am in my early 30's and she is 30, but she has said that she is frightened about starting things again if in another 5 years I still feel the same way, and she may want marriage and children. I would never stop her from getting married or having children, but at present I could not give her that. I don't want to waste her time and potentialy hurt her by not being able to give her what she wants. I fear that we wont last as a couple and can see us splitting if we cant get a different take on this situation.We both absolutely adore each other, but recently I think we have neglected each other's relationship needs. We seem to be living increasingly seperate lives, and I am worried for the future. Can you advise me on what seems to be an impossibe situation, because I love her so much.thanks... Reply to this Question
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reader, Dr. Mephisto  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 Well, well what an unfortunate train of events. However none of it is as difficult to resolve as you think. Logically, the best thing to do is for you two to go your separate ways, as, after all she only has limited time to give birth to healthy children. Logic never takes into account what the heart desires however, but it can't always be easy. You need to ask yourself what it is you really want from the relationship in its current form - marriage, children perhaps - or just an easy 'roll in the hay' whenever you feel like paying her a visit? If you're ready for commitment - which it seems you not even at this age - then you two need to work out whats more important - work or love. If commitment isn't 'your bag' then you need to level with the poor woman and do it now. Do it now before you waste any more of her time.Bottom line; if you need to break with her and follow the path of your 'career', then do it now, it may be painful and harrowing in the short term etc but in the long run it's the right thing to do if you have no intention (or concept) of commitment.Deal with it.Best wishes and peace with the world.Dr. M
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (9 June 2005):
 OK, Londoneer, here's what you do...stop stringing this poor girl along. She only has a limited amount of time to bear healthy children. You do not want any, so get out of her way. She stuck around long enough for you to change your feelings on the subject. I think 5 years is more than enough time to consider children and marriage! My God! Let her loose. Let her get on with her life dream of husband and family happily ever after. My God, you are selfish. If you have the tiniest bit of love for her, let her go.
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reader, NG +, writes (8 June 2005):
Well, it's a difficult situation but you have to face reality. You can't hurt this lady, because you love her so you've got to think about what you want. If you don't want to get married in the future and she does, don't waste her time before it's too late.Good Luck and do take care of yourself.
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