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anonymous
writes: I have been in a relationship for about a year. We are in our 40's, but for whatever reason I dont feel secure in this relationship and I really cannot see a reason why I wouldn't. He swears up and down he loves me, and tries harder than anyone I have ever met at making this work. This is a second relationship for both and I have children at home..Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Interesting  +, writes (20 January 2009):
Dear Anonymous,
I am in similar situation, however I have been gaining confidence recently in my relationship.
First of all, I am sorry you are feeling this kind of insecurity and pain.
I don't know if your boyfriend is not loyal to you or not, but as you wrote he seems to be. I would advise that you trust this as much as possible. Don't create more tension and stress by making accusations to your boyfriend.
One thing about insecurity, there are lots of reasons to feel it, and often we project our own onto others. You can immediately feel more secure by taking responsibility for yourself. By this, I mean if you need something...find a way to get it for yourself.
Think about different aspects of your life, such as money, your body, your car and your children. How are things going in these areas of your life? Do you feel you have enough money? Do you feel your car is working properly? Do you and your children get along?
These are just some ideas to help you assess what insecurity may be related to your own responsibilities vs. the relationship between you and your boyfriend. Work on these areas and try to stay neutral with your boyfriend until you can figure out where the feeling is truly coming from.
Be happy you have a man to share things with in the meantime. Be ready...maybe you will find he is really the one!!
Good Luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): Well only the person in the relationship would know clearly if their boyfriend loves them or not. If you do not feel secure you should tell him this and if you still don't feel secure then the best thing you could pissbily do is end the relationship before you end up hurting yourself. However, you will have to first decide why you do not feel secure and only you will know what to do. Gud Luck
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 You don't give any reasons--gut-level reasons--you've considered and discarded so I'm going to operate on the assumption that there is, in fact, no reason: that this is the greatest, healthiest, perfect-est guy ever to walk the earth and you're just flipping out. Okay--what's in your control here? That's right: your response. Why is it you feel funny about this one? Is it residual fear from past relationships? Fundamental I'm-not-worthy fears from childhood?If you really don't know, you owe it to yourself to do some serious exploration on your own. See a counselor. Talk to smart friends. Join a therapy group. If you have alcohol/abuse/whatever issues from your recent or far-ago past, by all means, get help for them.There being no obvious answer in him, the answer may lie in you. And even if the problem lies with him, getting more in touch with who you are and what makes you tick will make it easier to discern the good and bad that resides outside of your immediate control.Best of luck in your journey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2005): You are not insecure for whatever reason, there is a reason that you need to figure out. Search yourslf and ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you love really love him? Also, you have to see if there are any signs showing you of his untruth. You need to discuss your insecurities with your man.
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reader, rabbit +, writes (8 June 2005):
I'm not sure what to say to this, instead I will offer my thoughts if I was in the situation.I think if I was truly trying to make it work out and being 100% devoted and loyal for about a year, I would be quite upset (to say the least) if you didn't show me the same devotion and loyalty back.I must say, I do try to live by this quote:Give more than you've got.Be more than you are.
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