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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi I'm a 14 year old boy and I've been with my girlfriend (who is 16 in October) for 3 months now and it's been great. We get on very well and I really do think we can and will last, but our parents are against us. No reason, just don't like it, so we decided not to have sex till we were old enough, but that idea kinda went down the plug hole and we did it 3 days ago. It was great but then we realised we didn't use a condom so that mucked everything up and I don't know if shes pregnant and I'm going mad and I just can't think straight, although she's relaxed and says nothing she can do until she comes (or doesn't come) on her period so I should just be relaxed for the next 2 weeks. But I don't think I'll manage it. I love her too much. Please help(An abortion is out of the question because she's a vegetarian and I'm a vegan so it just isn't right and we are both anti-abortion)
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
You are not the only one that this has happened to and if the truth be known sex does feel better with out a condom so it is easy to forget. Too easy! If it wasn't there wouldn't be half the people in the world that there are. By the way there are worse things in life that can happen. I don't want to worry you even more but here are some things that you may need to consider. Because your the guy I think that things can be hard on you and your family for different reasons, first a lot of people tend to blame the guy.
Second IF things don't work out with you and the girl and she has the baby, well chances are she will settle down with someone else eventually and maybe start a new family and maybe even move out of town, your heart will be broken as there might be someone else raising your child. If she is pregnant you must take responsibility as it seems you are doing, but as a father you can never let up, you have to never let that baby or that mother down come hell or high water. See for a girl, most of the time she will always be with her child and her parents can get to know their grandchildren without any fear of losing tham, but for the guys family, they can get so close to the baby and if the father of the baby is bad or not taking enough responsibility, like having a job or changing diapers then the mother can try to stop the Dad seeing the baby and the Grandparents too. Do you see what I'm saying, why its so important for the guy to plan who they have babies with even more than the girls. They have to be so sure that the girl is not going to just up and move or meet someone else to take the place of the babys'father. You can help to ensure that doesn't happen by never giving the girl any reason to do that and being the best man you can be. I really hope that if she is pregnant that its easy on you both and if she's not that you will wait until you are sure of the girl you are with before you ever take a chance again.
Best of luck you sound like a really nice young man I hope it all works out good for you.
Delila.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): Hi,I am 14 (fifteen in November) and i have just had a baby a month ago. My parents loved the boy that i was seeing but never allowed us to share the same bedroom when he stayed over.I fell pregnant roughly two months after my 13th birthday and the nine months were really hard. My parents were angry at first but never took it out on me or my boyfriend. They discussed it with me and told me that whatever my decision was they would stick by me.I gave birth to a little girl who is called Molly and is a very beautiful and healthy girl. Everyone was telling me that it would be very hard work and that i would never have a life and would never experience the last years of being a teenager. To make things easier my parents and his parents bought a house big enough for both families and we now live in the same house which is lovely. Already after a month i can see that what everyone was telling me is true. I can't go out to a disco, go out shopping with my mates, it has been very hard and although i love Molly dearly it has put alot of strain on me. I am not going to school although being tutored at home, all my mates have been brilliant and they have been so supportive.My family have also been great, supportive in everyway. Still sticking by me.My boyfriend's family aren't as helpful as my family but then i can't judge them this is still strange to them. My boyfriend has been an absolute star, i feel loved and cherished.I know that Molly is going to be loved whatever happens, she is going to have the best set of parents that she could ever imagine and she is also going to have the best grandparents and uncles and aunties. JUST REMEMBER THAT IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT THEN YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS FAMILY ARE GOING TO BE ANNOYED AND ANGRY AT FIRST BUT DONT LET THAT SPOIL YOUR RELATIONSHIP. STICK BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND THROUGHOUT HER PREGNANCY AND BE MATURE ABOUT EVERYTHING. THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO IS PROMISE YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE THAT IS IMPORTANT. KNOWING THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND ISN'T GOING TO DUMP YOU AS SOON AS YOU HAVE THE BABY OR NOT EVEN GOING TO SUPPORT YOU IS SCARY.HOPE THIS HELPS
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 August 2005):
 Probably at least one of the reasons that your parents are "against" you two being together is that the adolescent brain goes through a years-long process of being completely rewired, in a different configuration to what it was in childhood. The part of your brain that deals with impulses and reactions is the last part to be modified, leading to exactly the sort of poor choices that you two just made.
Your folks were both 14 years old once and they remember that the temptation and curiosity about sex is overpowering. No doubt this is what they were thinking of when they didn't want you two to date.
"Forgetting" to use a condom shows that you two are so NOT ready to be having sex that I'd laugh if it weren't so serious.
OK, enough lecture. You already have enough on your plate.
The first thing you need to do is talk to your girlfriend and have an extended discussion about what you *will* do if she's pregnant. If you're both certain that an abortion is out of the question then you need some sort of alternative plan, if necessary. I doubt that either of you is responsible enough to raise a child by yourselves, so you need to think about your other options, such as adoption, or having another member of the family raise the child.
If your girlfriend is pregnant, you'll need to grow up a great deal in a short time and be a support to her. Her body is going to change dramatically, her moods will change and her total focus is going to be on the baby inside her. You'll need to have strong foundation and keep talking to each other, in order to get through the pregnancy together.
Next, you need to get yourselves sorted about sex in the future. You've done it, you're clearly both impulsive about it and will likely take similar chances in future, so what contraception will you have available for next time? Condoms are good, but only if you use them. Talk with your girlfriend about the Pill, foam, transdermal patches and all the other forms of contraception available to you both. Decide what you're going to use if you plan on continuing to have sex, then get yourselves to a clinic and get something that you'll remember to use.
In the meantime, there isn't anything you can do in the next 2 weeks. Get to the chemist and buy a couple of pregnancy tests while you're waiting, but don't waste time by using them before enough time has elapsed to be sure of the result. The last thing you need is a "false positive" or a "false negative".
Once you find out the result - if she *is* pregnant - I can't urge you strongly enough to speak to both your parents about the matter. They've been there and yes, they'll be upset at first, but they want to spare you pain and suffering, so they'll help you all they can.
If you and your girlfriend dodge this particular pregnancy then you'll remember all this for next time you're tempted to have sex without contraception, right?
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reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (27 August 2005):
I really hope for you and your girl's sake you get lucky and you two won't be forced into parenthood ahead of your time (even though there's plenty of other pitfalls like busted condoms and missed birth control that can mess you up, too, but odds are much slimmer than no condom). If she's pregnant know that that there's going to be a hell of a rough time ahead that will change the rest of your life. But know also that if that's the case it was meant to happen, and you can find some comfort and peace of mind in that.
"All that you need is in your soul" Lynyrd Skynyrd
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (27 August 2005):
How long has it actually been since you had sex? If it is within 72 hours, then your girlfriend can obtain emergency contraception. I'm not about other countries, but in the UK you can get emergency contraception in confidence from most chemists. The effectiveness is reduced the longer you leave it, but if it is still within 72 hours then this is the first action you should take. It would show solidarity and maturity if you offer to accompany her, too.
If it's now longer than that, as your girlfriend says it's a case of playing the waiting game to see if she has her period. If she misses, she will need to visit the doctor for a pregnancy test, and you will need to make your decisions from there. If she is pregnant then seek advice on your next decision, and research what support is on offer.
Though you are only 14, you have made a decision to have sex and you need to deal with the consequnences of your actions.
For goodness sake though, get yourselves sorted out with some condoms until that time. You seem to be quite naive about contraception, so I would suggest that you get leaflets etc from your family planning clinic or do some research on the internet. "Realising that you've forgotten to use a condom" is simply no excuse. If you are mature enough to have sex, then you are mature enough to plan ahead and get contraception. You may have been lucky this time and your girlfriend may not be pregnant, but don't take the risk- if the pair of you cannot even consider using contraception, how on earth can you even think about having a baby and raising a child? Though you may both feel like adults, you are in the eyes of others (including your parents) still children.
You also need to consider how your and her family will react if you discover that she is pregnant. You will have to prepare yourself for confrontations, anger but if you are serious about this then you will need to handle this like an adult.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2005): hi there,
try to relax, the chances that she has fallen pregant r quite slim. sum people try 4 yrs to have a baby, but it doesnt 100% rule it out. there is a test she can take 1 week before she is due for her period, but even then tests arent 100% unless she goes to see her gp, which she might like to go and see them to talk about birth control pills?
lesson learnt now though, always ALWAYS use a condom, its not just the facts of getting up the duff u shud worry about... best of luck, sit tight x
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A
female
reader, totalblamblam +, writes (27 August 2005):
I think what you need to do first is discuss this properly with you girlfriend. If you have had sex then you should be able to have a mature discussion about this. After talking to her and going through all of the options (she should be impressed that you have taken the initiative to do so) then maybe you should think about going to a family planning clinic, who will be able to give you all the advice you need. they wont judge you for being underage and you are seen in stricest confidence, which means tha they wont be able to tell your parents.
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