A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, living with my boyfriend is killing me! Lately we have been arguing because he doesn't clean up after himself. I do all the cleaning and I don't mind seen as I don't work as much as him but the guy does nothing and when he eventually does ( after me nagging like an old woman!) he makes a half arsed attempt- the guy leaves cups in the bedroom, clothes all over the floor, he won't even pick up the tv remote and put it on the bedside table on a morning, hell leave food on his plate after eating so it clogs the sink when i wash them, he wont tidy up after a bath; clean it, put his razors away etc, sometimes he wont put dirty clothes in the wash basket just on top, he wont take the rubbish out, when he does the dishes he wont rinse so nothing is clean! Well I've had enough and the last few days have refused to clean up...So This morning he got up first, with over an hour before he had to leave (he doesn't shower or wash just deodorant and breakfast) and we had loads of dirty dishes in the kitchen, did he do them? no! Just sat and watched sky sports for an hour so when i got up just before he left I said about it and he kicked off again saying how he can't do anything right and walked out-I really need advice from others in similar situations because I'm not an obsessive cleaner like he makes out, i just feel he's just not being responsible! It's becoming to be a deal breaker and in beginning to jot be able to stand him!Why am I always made out to be in the wrong and how can't he see that. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): I used to be like that, my girlfriend just decided to stop cleaning up after me. She didn't do the washing up just started buying herself takeaways, didn't put away my clothes or wash them just moved them aside and let them pile up.
I copped on pretty quickly though, I wasn't actually dirty just lazy and didn't really see the mess that she saw if you know what I mean.
OP the best way to do this is to just stop doing it, I know the idea of living in a mess is disgusting to you so you'd rather clean that up than not, but the only way he'll see what it is doing is by behaviour and visual evidence.
Stop washing up after him, clean up after yourself but all the mutual chores just stop doing them. Don't take out the rubbish, don't wash the dishes, just leave them and leave his clothes too.
I'll tell you how my girlfriend was willing to go if I didn't cop on quickly. She loved me and didn't want to lose me so she thought nagging and all that wasn't helping. Besides what I said above she had planned on getting plastic party knives and forks, plates etc to use instead. She was going to buy plastic cups etc too. She was going to stop cooking mutual meals, only make stuff for herself, if I wasn't going to contribute to the upkeep of the house then she was going to stop contributing too. She was going to spend less and less time at home, and start spending more time eating at her parents, she didn't want to live in a pig sty so she was going to sit there and look at the rubbish and stuff all day she just wasn't going to be around.
The most extreme she was willing to go was to start becoming an insanely massive snob herself. Those plastic dishes and stuff she was going to literally eat her dinner in our bedroom and then just leave the leftovers on the window sill or just lying around. She was going to leave all the cleaning and do none of it. She was going to stop flushing the toilet, not rinse the shower after using it. She was going to clean her clothes and herself and nothing more. You see she was going to just build up a massive mess and not really be around. So she'd only be home to eat, sleep and wash but she'd do everything else at her parents.
No discussion, no fights just doing that.
The key to her strategy though was to not do it out of spite, to not do it out of anger. To still be attentive, loving and affectionate with me and to still be happy. That way I'd literally have nothing to complain about because she was just living the way I was, doing what she wanted and letting someone else pick up after her. She was just going to find something more fun to do instead of cleaning and just be happy and cheerful about it. How could I complain about that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell firstly thank you all for your replies.
We have talked about it over and over, because although he says he'll do more, things don't change.
You guys are right, no more nagging, it doesn't work and he says I'm like a mother! (not cool) .. He says I want to live in a palace which is beyond silly; We live in a small one bedroom flat, so it's not as though we have loads to clean, but on the other hand it's more than noticeable when things are untidy.
Chigirl my boyfriend is 30 this year but has only lived away from his parents for just over a year, when I think back to when he lived there his room was a mess and I mean to the point where there would be days old glasses and plates, which didn't bother me too much because I would come and go. I can't believe how silly I was for not consideringvthis before we lived together!
Fishdish I couldn't live for a month without doing anything, a week has been bad enough! Lol
Think its time to find my own place. :)
Thanks guys.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 PUT his crap next to his side of the bed, every little thing.. If he doesn't take a hint.. maybe he needs to take a hike.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (9 April 2011):
 I agree with strontiumdog to a point. People who are clean or messy are on a continuum. There are people who prefer and actually derive pleasure from being clean. There are those who even take it a step further, barring eating or drinking in the car, banishing people from the "formal" living room, and being unbelievably obsessive over not only cleanness, but the family's overall behavior.There are also people who are slobbish to the point of unbearability. They shower once per month, smell to high heaven, and their cars and houses look like a landfill.There are tons of people in between as well. The trick is to find someone who shares a sense of responsibility to hygiene and cleanliness that is similar to your own.So if you're a tidy person and are with someone who could leave the dishes in the sink until they attract ants, you're with the wrong person because you will resent his or her habits. It's not as if he expects you to be the maid, but it's possible his mom cleaned up after him regularly, so he believes the house cleans itself, so to speak.Nagging does no one any good. It produces no results, and just serves to stress both of you out. Ultimatums aren't helpful either. Clean the house or lose me? That will last about a week or two tops.It's best to say "living with you will ruin our relationship". That either means moving out and continuing a relationship, or breaking up.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Strontiumdog, your argumentation is logically unreproachable- and still it does not convince me. Why ? because that would be your typical rebel teenager 's stand, not an adult stand. An oppositional teenager would say to his mom : hey it's you that hate mess, I am perfectly fine with it- so it's your problem, not mine. In fact, in a household of adults, roommates or relatives or life partners does not matter, everybody is bound to cooperate and contribute to reach at least a minimal standard in terms of hygiene, decency and efficiency. If one wants to live , and to live harmoniously , with / among other people, he can't simply do the hell he wants any time he wants and sod everybody else. When you go eat in a restaurant, you don't take your shoes off, or eat with your hands or blow your nose in the tablecloth,- even if this should be what you usually do living alone in the privacy of your home. Precisely because you are sharing space with other people that have the right not to be exposed to offensive,disgusting sights and behaviours.He has the right to live like a pig- if he lives alone. If he choses to live with another person, he loses this right- there are at least basic rules of hygiene ,courtesy and respect to be observed .Said that, I think too that our OP is fighting a lost battle. OP you could try explaining him that his behaviour is disrespectful and uncaring , and it's ruining the potential for a happy relationship. But - selfish slobs are selfish slobs, and I doubt that things will change.If you can live this way - that's entirely up to you. I know I couldn't, particulary because of the no shower thing. Then again, I am not in love with your bf, so for me it's easy to decide.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Alternatively you could do what roomies do when they get sick and tired of the slob. Dump the dishes in his room. You live together without separate bedrooms, but leave them on his desk for example. Or in the hallway where he will see it. Just find a spot where you will dump his load, so it will get out of your way, and into his way. Or you could start using paper cups and plates for yourself until he does the dishes.Really though, haven't you talked to him about this? It's 50/50 all the way! You do the dishes together, every time, or every other time you and him. Same with floors, and overall cleaning. Agree on a standard, then do it in turns. Wont be much to complain about then if he keeps his part of this fairly easy deal, and if he doesn't do his part at least you can say "it was your turn", and he will know it was. Keep a list if you argue over who did it last. It's one thing to be a slob, it's another to take it out on others. Keep his mess to himself and it's fine, but if he makes a mess out of your shared space it is not fine.
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (8 April 2011):
 You have told him a million times that he needs to clean up after himself. He is slovenly, a pig, and does not even shower in the morning before work.Dump him.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 April 2011):
 I used to be the same way. As a kid my mom always cleaned up after me, so I didn't have to do much. It wasn't until I moved out and had roommates that I understood the importance of cleaning up after yourself. I feel your pain. The last time I had a roommate it was horrible. He would leave half cooked stuff on the stove. Leave dirty dishes everywhere. Piles of crap in the sink. Living with all guys, we weren't about to do dishes that weren't our own, so they just sat there. It was pretty nasty. That's why I'll never have a roommate again. The next person I live with will be someone I'm considering marrying, and you better believe I'll clean up after myself.
This would be a deal breaker for me. You're not his maid, and expecting you to do everything is simply unfair and unequal. You want a partner, not a master. He needs to know how important this is to you. If he dismisses you, then he's not really interested in the relationships. If he goes for compromise, then do your best to work something out.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (8 April 2011):
 have you tried not doing anything, and just let it go for like...a month or two? maybe there's a breaking point for him too, and you're enabling him by his inability to see how really bad it gets. I'm not sure if this is a solution, it's semi-passive aggressive, but if you're not ready to confront and you want to send a message, you could try this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Men with no respect do this, if he knows it affects you and still does this, personally, it is bad. Respect comes from the smallest things.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2011):
"I do all the cleaning and I don't mind seen as I don't work as much as him"
You should mind. If he lived alone he'd have no choice but to clean up after himself. How does the fact that you work less factor into this? Does he pay you for taking your time to do HIS work? No? Then don't do it, and don't be fine with it either. Understand that while this might be ok for a married couple, you are not married. If you were married, his money from the work he does would in effect also be your money. Hence it would make sense for you to do more housework if he works more. But as it is, he works, HE gets paid, and YOU do his cleaning. It's not fair, and it's not ok. You got extra time? Do something you enjoy. Don't spend YOUR time to do his dirty laundry.
He can't see how immature he is because.. he's, and Im betting here, 18-20 years himself. He IS childish and immature. He doesn't understand responsibilities, and he doesn't act like an adult.
"I can't do anything right" is a petty excuse I've heard before. If it helps you I can tell you that I dumped that looser who told me these things. "Can't do anything right..." is a bad excuse, and him trying to make you feel sorry for him. A real man would step up to his responsibilities and not act like a child and cry and run away and hide.
Tell him it is his turn to do the dishes. No compromise. If he can't do his part, you can't be living with him. Simple, and fair.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2011):
I would take right and wrong completely out of the equation. The solution is much more simple than that.
This guy will never change. He is untidy. He won't do the dishes or clean up after himself, and you will never ever change that fact about him.
So, knowing that you can't change him, and all the nagging in the world won't have any positive impact, the very simple question for you is:
Can you live with him and accept that you will be the only one to clean and care about cleanliness?
If the answer is yes, then stop nagging him and clean yourself. If the answer is no, then waste no time, leave him, and find someone whose cleanliness standards regarding himself and the house are closer and more compatible with your own.
It doesn't matter whose right or wrong. You're not in the wrong. He's not in the wrong. He is just a slob. They are out there. Some people happily exist in squalor while others are driven absolutely insane by the mere thought of it. It doesn't matter if you're obsessive about cleanliness. I totally understand where you're coming from. I love cleanliness too, and actually feel good when a house is crisp and clean.
Is his slobbiness something you can live with, that he will never change, or is it a dealbreaker? For me, it would be a dealbreaker, or at the least, we could never ever live together. You decide. No more nagging...it's time for a decision.
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reader, b90219 +, writes (8 April 2011):
Well, if he won't do any work, maybe you should just sit down and talk it out with him. It sounds as if he doesn't want to disappoint, but thinks if he tries and messes up, that's worse.
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