A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:in my friendship group there are 20 of us and we're all really close. since about yr6 we've been friends with this other girl,bertha, in yr7 we had a fall out. i felt really bad so i apologised to her face she accepted it, but did not apologise back. i let it pass but we've never been the same. my other friend, hope, agrees with me. in yr8 bertha fell out with another girl in our friendship group called penny but this time alot more of my friends noticed so now about 15 out of us 20 dislike her quite alot. this time bertha apologised through texted messages but we had given her a second chance and she hadn't changed. we pretended we hadn't seen her text and found out she hadn't actually apologised to penny. bertha still hangs round with us but hardly anyone likes her and we started trying to get her to leave us alone but we're afraid to do anything too drastic like tell her because we think she'll tell her mum and get the teachers involved and acuse us of bullying. she's already told her mum who's told one of our friends who likes her's, bella, mum that i'm spiteful and to watch out for hope. she also said that the reason bella couldn't go to her daughter's brother's party was because she hung out with us. we try not to bully her best we can but that's hard when you don't like her and want her to leave you alone. some of us sometimes tease her but most of the time we just try to not let her be in a group with us at school. we think she's going to report us soon and we don't know what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): OP you'd want to stop trying and actually stop bullying her. It's a crime now in the UK and you're breaking many laws.
She is going to report you OP and rightly so, and you are going to get in a lot shit and you deserve it too because you're a selfish coward.
3 teen girls recently killed themselves in Ireland over this the UK has just recently passed more laws on bullying for this reason too.
You're in deep trouble unless you woman up, apologise and stop doing it.
You do know there are groups springing up to target people like you now? There are groups of people willing to destroy your entire online existence and make your life a living hell if a person tells them you're a bully and shows them proof.
So OP fix this, or be prepared to be destroyed in more ways than you can imagine.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 @EWO- you are very right, I have precisely shivers down my spine reading this post. It was on yesterday 's newspaper in my town, a 15 y.o. boy committed suicide just because of this kind of mindless ostracizing.
I do hope you all do get reported, it may be just what you need to make you stop and THINK .
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Young teenage girls with mob mentality....sends shivers down one's back doesn't it?!
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 November 2012):
Bullying only shows insecurity and cowardice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 November 2012):
 I HOPE she reports you all.
What you are doing is SERIOUSLY wrong and you know it.
At your age friendships break and sometimes mend - sometimes they stay broken but that DOESN'T give you the right to BULLY anyone.
PUT yourself in her shoes for a minute. How would you feel if 15 of your friend all of a sudden turned on you? She "only" had a falling out with 2 people, but a whole MOB grabbed their pitchforks and started to vilify her.
If you don't get along, that is fine it happens. IT is NOT a free pass to bully ANYONE!
You know it's wrong or your would be having this "chat" with a teacher or your parents, not strangers on the web.
Think, girl.
SHAME on you for thinking this is even OK.
Bullying someone doesn't make you a BETTER person, quite the opposite!
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A
female
reader, Fender  +, writes (28 November 2012):
I can understand you guy fell out and not wanting to be friends with her. But i really cant accept your method with dealing with situations.
Most sucide happen out of bullying the other half is feeling worthless and unloved.
Look at it from her view she had a big group of the friends she made one mistake and lost all her friends. Think how lonesome would she be. Now your bullying her on top so adding on self doubt.
if i was you i would be happy if she did reported it. Have guy really ever took inconsiderations effect of your bully and cold shoulder would do to this girl. How would you feel if she fell into depression or start self harming herself.
how would you feel in her position. And does have the right to report
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame on you and your 20 group friends against one girl. If I were this poor little girl I would get the school, my parents and the police involved. Twenty people against one little girl has really brought tears to my eyes and really made me cry. Out of 20 people none has a heart, the whole 20 group has ice water in their veins. I cannot stop crying after reading something like this.
If you were my daughter I would put you on punishment for the rest of your life. I pray to God that none of my family member go to school with you because you are bad news.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): It sounds as if she's only had a tiff with a couple of you over a period of a few years, which is nothing really! So why has the whole group been set against her?Is it because the few of you that genuinely don't like her, have put the rest off her? If so, that is indeed bullying and you deserve to be disciplined accordingly. You might not like her much and that's ok, she probably doesn't like you much either. But that does not give you the right to coerce others into disliking her and treating her badly. If the thought that you might get into trouble for this is scaring you. Imagine how this girl must feel, knowing that she has to face trouble every day that she goes to school. I can understand you not wanting it in your school record that you were involved in bullying. As an employer, I would not employ someone with that type of problem/history. So my advice is to leave her alone and allow her to be friends with any girls in your gang that she wished to be friends with and stay out of their business. If you continue as you are doing it will only reflect badly on you. You need to try and find the confidence to share your friends with others and if these people genuinely like you, they will be able to be friends with both you and the other girl. Bullying is not a short fall in the victim it is a short fall in the character of the bully. So try and address any issues you have with confidence and self esteem because as your friends get older, they will break away from the group and form smaller more enduring friendship circles. And you might find yourself excluded if you aren't careful. It would be karma but I don't wish that on you!So do try and address your issues and accept that you can not dictate who others can like or dislike, because behaving like that will eventually land you in trouble...as you might be about to find out. Not only will this type of behaviour affect you if you give yourself a poor school record, you also don't have a clue what this girl will end up being. Your local police officer maybe, the one YOU call for help one day. Or your child's teacher. The midwife that delivers your baby or the nurse or doctor you see for treatment because you are ill. Karma can be a b..ch. So if I were you, I would leave this girl alone, be polite if you have to but don't be nasty to her or try putting others off her. Find something else to focus on and leave her alone before it is too late and you end up in real trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): Please STOP bullying!! My daughter was bullied so bad that she tried to harm herself, how would you feel if this girl tried that or was successful at it? quite a burden to carry all your life. No you dont have to like her, no you dont have to be her friend, but BULLYING IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. I believe that there should be jail time for kids of ANY age who bully others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): You think that telling her directly that you don't want to be her friend is "too drastic" and yet you think it's OK to bully her to the point you're afraid you'll get reported?? that makes no sense. If you don't want to get reported to the authorities, then don't bully her. If you don't want her to hang around you, then simply tell her you don't want to be her friend anymore and then ignore her.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Really???
How is it hard not to bully someone? Reading things like this makes me wonder how stupid some people really are.
Just tel her that you guys don't want to be friends with her anymore. ôu have literally no idea what psychologial damage and problems you could be causing for this poor girl that is hated by a large group!
Shame on you all for being so cruel
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): If you weren't doing anything wrong you wouldn't be afraid that she ll report you. This what mature people do:even if they don't like someone they don't bully her. They just put communication to minimum, and another person eventuAlly understands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Forgive.
Then, openly and honestly discuss your feeling about how she is without being verbally abusive or bullying, what you don't like about her and offer suggestions on what she could work to change. I suggest to do this, have an in School Counsellor/Mediator be present.
Even then, it should be between the two parties that this break down occured. Not 15 out of 20. By your own words, it was between two people. The rest of you are just sheep feeding off one persons' disproportionate hate and resentment. Smarten up!
Once that is resolved, do your part to forgive and communicate what you expect of her. Sometimes people need to be reminded and trained on how to behave to your healthy, fair, and honest expectations. You'll know they are so as you live them. If you dont'- then don't point fingers of blame at anyone.
If that doesn't work. Then keep yourself out of the equation. Don't participate in the bullying OR GOSSIP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): You don't know what do? STOP being bullies and just tell her straight to her face you no longer want to associate with her! OP, she maybe a bit 'Dim' in the sense that she doesn't get the hint that you don't like her from your teasing, so you need to be direct and just tell her.
Clearly if you keep doing what you're doing she's bound to tell on you, I mean c'mon what would YOU do if YOU were being bullied, and the only friends you had to hang out with or turn to are the ones doing the bullying? I'd imagine you'd feel alone and isolated and would need someone to tell about it.
So what she may tell her mum you no longer want to be friends with her, nobody can force anyone to be friends with someone they don't want to be friends with, but bullying is NOT acceptable. You know by bullying her you have more serious consequences to worry about than if you simply broke friends with her, so If she tells her mum and/or the principal that you're all bullying her, you can only blame yourself for whatever punishment you will face as a result.
As I said, if you REALLY wanted her out of the group, you would give her the 411 directly. It seems to me that you all keep her in the loop because you get a kick out of bullying this girl over something petty that happened in the past. You pretended to know nothing of her apology so you can have a bit of fun with her, well you've had your fun and now it may get serious, so don't you think its time to let it go and get on with your education before you waste it all messing about and end up becoming a nobody?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 November 2012):
Why not try to behave like adults and talk it out? Your dislike for this girl is based on mostly hearsay. Just because all of you agree with each other doesn't mean you're right. What happened during those times she had a falling out with some of you? Write down the FACTS (including your own involvement) not gossip or vague things you heard from friends. Then look at that list and think to yourself if that really makes her a bad person.
Also, put yourself in her shoes and consider how intimidating the group of you must seem to her. You're at least 15 people banded together, she's just one. That's probably why she didn't apologize to Penny in person. Why did you all ignore her texts? It's an efficient way to get a message across without the risk of being ganged up against. If you're going to condemn her for not going in person, condemn yourselves for being hypocrites.
If you want to solve this, pick someone to represent the group and talk it out with her one-on-one. You can't talk it out with every one of you because you'll all interject and she'll clam up and feel ganged up against.
Tell her what has been bothering you all about her and let her give her side of the story too. It takes two to tango and you all aren't innocent. If you can acknowledge that and she acknowledges her role in this, you should be able to find a way to get along again. You could before, couldn't you? If you can't find a reasonable solution, involve a teacher you trust and explain the situation without painting her black.
"There have been a series of falling outs with [insert girl's name] and it's led to friction in our group of friends. We want to fix it, what's the best way to do this?"
All of this is probably a string of miscommunications added up on one another, followed by grudges and gossip. That's how it usually goes. I've seen it happen plenty of times at my high school. If you let it fester, she'll become the pariah and the group will fall apart.
Talk it out with her, and admit your own mistakes too. Be honest with one another. You can tell her that the fact she didn't apologize for her part in the falling out she had with you bothers you. She may not realize how you feel about that. Be open, be honest. If your group of friends and she can do that, there will no need to report.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): "we try not to bully her best we can but that's hard"
It's hard NOT to bully someone? No it's not. Do you know what it feels like to be bullied and excluded? It's not nice. Whatever Bertha has done to you, you don't need to stoop so low that you and your 20 friends start picking on her and making her feel bad about herself. You all sound very immature, but if you really want her out of your life, try this one: Take Bertha aside, tell her you're sorry but the friendship isn't working out and she would be better off finding other friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): So much unnecessary drama! Just tell your parents, arrange a meeting with Bertha's family, and clear things over in an organized matter.
I'm confused by "we try not to bully her best we can." What are you guys doing to her? You said you guys sometimes tease her - what does that mean? Giving her the cold shoulder? Leaving her hateful messages? Making fun of how she looks/acts?
I don't know your friends and I don't know Bertha. I'm not going to appoint someone as the victim and others as villains, but if you're afraid your actions will get reported then that insinuates you know what you're doing is wrong. 20 against 1 is never pretty.
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