A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well I recently found out my bf had been cheating on me a couple times with another girl. They never had sex but got close to it. I found out and broke up with him. But I also cheated on him once, only I just kissed the other guy. But I feel its different because I cheated at 3 weeks he cheated at 3 months. We had been dating 4 months. He says he sorry and will do anything to have me back and he says he loves me. He ended things with the other girl a few days before I found out he had been cheating. So i dont know whether I should forgive since we both cheated or still hold it against him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): You need to decide what the rules are, get them out there and then stick to them. You're rationalizing far too much- what if you'd only gone down on the guy, but he's had intercourse? Would that make his cheating worse than yours?
Neither of you sounds like a candidate for sainthood, so why don't you let it go, learn from this and give it another shot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): She kissed him and he got really close to sex.. i don't see how that is just flirting. It's cheating if they consider it to be.
He was definitely more hurtful in his cheating. But you have both wronged. I think you should try to start over new. Build a new slate and make a zero tolerance policiy. You can't start comparing you're cheating with his and exclaim who was wronger.
~Sy.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 Technically speaking, nothing you've said here constitutes cheating. At best he flirted and so did you.
Try and forgive. If you want an honest relationship with each other, start thinking about each other first. He thinks about you, you think about him.
The other thing is the two of you are pretty young, and the impulse to flirt and take things way too seriously in the end are kind of on the high end. Its very impulsive.
If you two want to have a healthy relationship, start opening up to each other and spending more time looking into the things that matter to each other.
Once you've built up some trust between each other, then start working on NOT judging each other. If you set aside judging each other and focus more on forgiving and learning from each other's mistakes, you can make things better and happier.
Once you get past that, you actually can achieve a level of intimacy, which means you can be more open and emotionally connected to each other.
Relationships take a lot of work, a lot of care and require a lot of attention paid to each other.
From what you're talking about, you haven't even had enough time to develop something of the kind of emotional intimacy that would have in fact prevented you from kissing the boy or your boyfriend from flirting with another girl.
Whatever you do, try not to be too impulsive. Its nice to be young at your age because you have so much energy. And because of that, you get reflexive rather than pensive about the things you do.
Instead of wasting your energies on other people, focus it on each other.
Remember that if you love someone, you're considering them first before you do things that might hurt later.
But getting back to your question, its not cheating in any classic sense of the word. So don't take it so hard and try and be a little bit more forgiving.
Best bet here: use love to heal, not to hurt. That said, start working on making each other feel better about the two of you as a couple.
If you learn from this, you'll both be stronger. Its a life lesson to take with you into the future.
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A
female
reader, melanie0083 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 if he cheated on you and you two only dated 4 months, end it! A guy isn't worth it if he cant stay faithful for 4 months!
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (15 September 2009):
ok well first throw the double standard out the door. 3 weeks 3 months, kissing or getting close to sex. If you want to give it a chance your gonna have to get rid of the double standard. If you can't than well its best you just walk away
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (15 September 2009):
 You were both wrong in cheating with each other.You should remember he forgave you when you cheated which shows he really wanted you and it was only three weeks! Most guys would have dumped you like you did with him.Now on the other hand, you have been together for 3 months and he really hurt you by cheating. What do you want to do? Do you think you can forgive him?No matter what you decide to do I don't think you should hold it against him. He made the same mistake you did and he does seem sorry. If you decide you can't be in a relationship with him, let it go and get on with life. If you do decide he is worth giving another chance then you will need to build up your trust in him slowly and take it easy. Focus on rebuilding your relationship. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 September 2009):
 There is basically NO DIFFERENCE.Regardless you both engaged in activity outside of your relationship. 3 weeks or 3 months DOES NOT MATTER ONE IOTA. You are not any better than him. You are basically the same animal. How you can justify it by using a time frame shows a real lack of maturity. So my advice to you is to NOT DATE ANYONE until you understand that any relationship takes WORK. and not a bunch of childish games to see who wins. Or stay together so neither of you subject any innocent people's feeling to your insane outlook, and make each other miserable.
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