A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have recently split after a 10 year relationship. We were not married and have no children. Its clearly a very difficult time for both of us, and amongst everything else we are trying to come to some sort of financial settlement. This is where we seem to be on opposite pages and its is making an already emotional time even more difficult, neither of us want it to get nasty, but we are very far apart in what we both think is 'reasonable' The background is that over the past 5-6 years I have made a significant amount more money than she did. In the order of 10 times her annual salary each year. There are significant savings which I have accrued in my accounts over that time. There are no joint accounts, but there is a house owned jointly. As we are not married and dont fall into the 'common law marriage' bucket (for various reasons i wont go into here) there is no legal requirement for me to transfer any cash from my accounts to her (obviously we will split the house), but I of course want to do the reasonable and proper thing and ensure that she is in a good financial position to start her new life, without me. This will obviously be an adjustment for her, due to our differing earning potential. Basically, I have already transferred to her a significant amount of money. Which is equivalent to half of what we had at the time we split up. I was paid a large bonus at work 3 months after we split, which means that the amount of money I gave her after considering that amount as well was 30% of the total savings. The amount is not small, and is basically equivalent to considerably more (multiple times more) than she could have ever hoped to save over the past 10 years is she was by herself Bear in mind that we have no children, and I never asked her to stop work, or to compromise her career for me, she is a smart, well-educated girl, and she could have chosen any career path open to her. It just so happens that I make a lot more money than her, and I have worked hard to accrue my savings. Anyway, I believe that what I have proposed is reasonable. I made all the money, and I have offered her a very significant portion of my net wealth. She is saying that I am being unreasonable, and that she should be entitled to half over everything (including the amount I was paid not long after we split). I don't want things to get nasty, and I am really trying to be reasonable here, but I think it is completely unfair that she should have half of all the assets that I have worked for. Yes, she provided love and support to help me become successful, but I equally gave her love and support back. She says if the shoe was on the other foot she would immediately give me what she is now asking me for. But if that was the case, I would probably not accept it, I would hope for something, but I would think that if she had worked hard for 90% of the savings that there were, then it should be fair that she keep the lions share of that. Am I being unreasonable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): You need to be firm with her or she will push for more for years to come.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Agreed with all the others, this girl doesn't deserve one red cent. She got used to living beyond her means on your dime and now she's trying to bully you into providing for her even though you've split. She doesn't want to lose the lifestyle, but neither does she want to work for it. Lazy, selfish, gold digging broad.
On a related note, isn't it scary as hell to think that if you had married this girl, she WOULD be able to squeeze you for every dollar you're worth? It's simply amazing what a lousy piece of paper can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): You really need to tell her to "f*ck off!!" she is being a gold digger.
Tell her where to stuff it and that she could try take you to court, but she wouldn't stand a chance.
Also maybe tell her if she continues to do this she is going to cause it to end very very badly
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 June 2010):
 There is no common law wife status now in the UK. Apart from her half of the house and any possesions she has paid for, she isn't entitled to any of your wealth.
She has been given far more than she should have. You need to stop worrying about being fair (you HAVE been more than fair)and just get on with your life.
You could gather proof that what you have is all yours so that if she decides to take you to court you can stand up to her. That said it probably wouldn't get to court, would cost her a lot of money and she wouldn't have a case anyway.
Tell her to bugger off!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): definitely not! show her this letter, print it off and let her read it as she should realise that YOU'RE entitled to your assets despite being extremely reasonable and kind by giving a large sum
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 June 2010):
 You are totally in the right here, you have been more than generous with her to give her a sum of money so she can stand on her own 2 feet. So for her to be demanding half of everything is ridiculous, especially wanting money you were given for your hard work after you split!
You have worked hard for this money, you dont owe her anything. She is getting her half of the house, you have been kind enough to give her a sum of money therefore you have done all you can for her.
She is being completely unreasonable, not you. I bet she is just very upset by the split so to ease her pain she is fighting for money to "cushion the fall" so to speak. After being together for 10 years she will be scared of being alone and will be used to the life you have provided for her, so to suddenly have it taken away she will be feeling upset, angry and scared. So the reason why she will be acting this way is because she is not ready to let go of the lifestyle you had together and she is not facing up to the fact she needs to stand on her own 2 feet instead of relying on you.
Just be firm with her, explain that you have no legal entitlement to provide her with any money with the exception of the house, so you feel you have given her all you can with this lump sum of money. Explain you are not be harsh or nasty, you just feel that you have worked hard to save this money, you have given her as much as you can and you are not married so you dont feel it would be right to give her any further money. I'm sure she will be upset, angry....it will probably become messy but that is to be expected when you split up and money is involved. Just stand your ground, be firm with her, explain your reasons as best you can and then just leave her alone for a while. She will need time to vent about how "evil" you are to her friends and family, she will be bitter for quite some time so giving her some space to get it out of her system would be wise.
Maybe even consult a solicitor just in case she decides to start legal proceedings - you are in the right but there is a chance she could give it a go and try and claim rights to your money. So speaking to a solicitor would be a good idea just to check where you stand legally and what she might be able to do if she does start legal proceedings.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 June 2010):
Check divorce law, and you'll find that most divorces end with the larger earner keeping approximately 60-70%, while the lower earner walks with 30-40% depending on the circumstances.
You have no kids, and you're not married. I actually think you've been a real stand up guy in giving her well more than she deserves (probably a good idea in the long term). As an unmarried person, who has her own career, who already has half the house and who has no kids, the 30% you gave her is more than enough. And she is NOT entitled to anything from your bonus. She is NOT entitled to half, and that's it. Stick to your guns. If she gets nastier, then consult a lawyer and see what he has to say. But she is not entitled to half at all. Nice try on her behalf, but even a judge would walk over her. Your offer is more than fair.
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