A
female
age
30-35,
*wanky
writes:My Boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, we’re 21. He’s the absolute love of my life and I could never imagine life without him. However… around his friends he has no backbone, he lies to them and tells them he’s going to see them then he actually comes to see me, all because he can’t say no. To a point I understand because then they try and convince him to see them instead. And then when he is out with me and they know, they phone nonstop. I wish he’d just answer and tell them he’s with me, and that he’ll see them another time but he doesn’t. It drives me insane! He also refuses to answer numbers he doesn’t know just in case it’s them. Now this really bugs me because if something has gone wrong and I can’t use my cell phone to get hold of him, and have to use a number he doesn’t know he won’t answer. Trying to bring all of this to his attention just falls on deaf ears. Before we met he was quite a heavy drinker I don’t like it, and I’ve told him as much but I didn’t want to be the nagging girlfriend so I dropped it. Since then he’s cut down, to a point where he doesn’t really drink around me… But when he’s out with his friends he gets motherless. Because of this, he doesn’t invite me to spend time with him and his friends. Which hurts, they all go out and bring their girlfriends and I sit at home. His friends also always make comments when I’m around about how he’s not as much fun when I’m there. Recently he damaged his car after he’d been drinking at a party and had no memory of how he’d done it. It was an alleged huge wake up call for him, he promised himself and me he’d never drink again until he knew he could control himself, and admitted to me he thinks he has a problem. He asked for my support to help him stop. I don’t think he’s an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination he drinks socially without getting drunk all the time and as I said he hardly ever drinks when he’s out with me. After that confession the only drink he had for 2 weeks was a glass of champagne at my friends 21st. Then he went out with his friends, and he drank. He told me the next day and what upset me the most was that I wasn’t surprised. He promised it was just a slip up and that he’d try harder. He hasn’t… every time since then that he’s gone out with them he’s had a few drinks. I confronted him about it last night and he told me he’s given up, it doesn’t affect me and it’s his life. That it has to be his choice. I know it does and 3 weeks ago… it was his choice! I don’t know what to do! How do I get through to him? It scares me that he takes a promise that he made to himself so lightly. How do I know that he can keep a promise to me? His friends are a bad influence because he just can’t say no to them. He’s terrified they’ll reject him if he doesn’t drink or act the fool. I know he needs his friends in his life and I would never try and keep him away. How do I get through to him and tell him they love him for him. I’m not always there to hold his hand and help him say no, and when I am he gets defiant and does it anyway and I end up feeling like his mother. What do I say without sounding accusing or naggy?Please help!Feelinglikemyboyfriendsmom
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Hello,I have a similiar situation. My boyfriend rarely drinks, but when he does its bad. Its always with his friends when I am not there and he ends up getting so drunk he is sick the entire next day. His friends are the same way as your boyfriends friends, they pressure him into it and he doesnt know when to stop. There have been many occassions where he has even lied to me about it. I dont like it either. One thing I have learned from our relationship though is that he is going to do what he wants and I cannot control that. If he wants to drink uncontrollably, he is going to. It wont matter what I say to him because your boyfriend is right, its his life and he will do what he wants. It sucks I know because we care for our boyfriends and want them safe and healthy. If he wants to change his habits the only person that can do that is himself. He has to realize that its a problem before he can change it. You can be there for him if he does decide that its a problem and he honestly wants to stop drinking so heavily, otherwise there is nothing you can do about it besides break up and find someone else.
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