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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello agony aunts, I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. It's been a very rough relationship because we were always on and off because of his controlling behaviour. He lied to me about his age, his family and about him not talking to other girls. We had an argument 1 month ago, after almost 2 years, he told me his real age, he faked having a dead brother and him being emotional about it only to make me sympathize with him. I was really upset and I felt that he's using my feelings to manipulate and me me feel bad for him, as an excuse for his shitty behavior. We didnt talk for a week then he came back for me begging to have another chance,I told him I was done with him yet he persisted that he still loves me, and well, I gave him another chance and he told me that he will be honest from now on. Afew days ago, I wanted to test his honesty and see if he means what he said. So I made a fake account and followed him on his Instagram. He followed back and messaged that account. He was flirting and wanted to go on a date. I was so furious so I called him and told me that he thought it was my friend. He was lying about everything until he had no excuse and told me "of course I will look for someone else because you're not satisfying or good enough for me".It was a huge argument and today he came back begging to come back again to give him another chance, but I threatened him that I would call the cops because he was following me everywhere trying to justify his behavior and that he was only "Drunk and horny".Do you think what I did was a good step to see his real intentions that he wanted to change? Or are all men will end up messaging any random girl they feel they can have a chance with?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2020): OP, I agree with all of the other posters, but I respectfuly want to suggest to you, to get some professional counseling, to dig into why your self esteem is so low, that you would tolerate any boyfriends controlling and cheating behaviors, and tolerate it repeatedly! You deserve so much better than this OP! I do not mean to upset you or to sound cruel, but you need some help, to learn why you have fallen in with such a pathetic liar of a boyfriend, and why you fear being alone, so much, that you have taken the loser back. I fear that until you learn why and learn the way past your low self esteem, that you will just move on to another lying cheating boyfriend, and another, and so on. My prayer is that you take my advice, and find a good counselor, who will lead you lovingly to a better place, and to a stronger healthier happier You! As a woman, you deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and respect! No OP, all men are not like your cheating ex. There are many good men in the dating pool! Best Wishes!
A
female
reader, amykennedy  +, writes (20 February 2020):
Done this before with an ex I didn’t trust after some things he did. Obviously went wrong, and I ended up just ghosting cause I was tired of his antics in the end after years. If you think it’ll give you some clarity or closure, go for it. But think about why you want to be with someone you have to “test”. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 February 2020):
 No I don't think that it was a good idea to test him. At that point, you already knew what you were dealing with - a liar. You really did stoop to a level that no human being should ever stoop to. All after, taking back someone that is a ridiculous excuse of a partner which in turn, made you crazy and you hurt yourself further by uncovering even more harsh truths. He lied about some serious stuff... All I'm wondering is; what made you take him back in the first place? What was it? Right there and then you should have already put it all down to a life lesson, blocked him, got a restraining order if need be, and moved on with your life. You left the door open, that's why he felt like he could just walk back into your life. He knows that he's a good liar, good enough to lie to you and end the relationship and good enough to lie to patch things up and get the relationship going again.
This isn't an issue of all men. It's unfair to make any sort assumption with regards to any one group of people. Not everyone is the same. If someone is a terrible person, that is just how that one individual is. The average person (or guy) would not lie about such serious matters. Only a terrible person does that, regardless of gender/sex. It's an individuals choice to be a certain way and that has nothing to do with the rest of the human population.
You should definitely close this chapter and move on with your life. You're far too young to be wasting your time this way. Block him and just move on or I guarantee you will be back on DC asking about this guy again. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 February 2020):
 Good idea? Nope, in fact it’s extremely childish!
If you don’t trust your BF, find someone else. It’s not a hard concept to grasp surely? If you take him back after being unfaithful then why would he change his ways? He will learn by people LEAVING him that he can not treat people the way he has done.
Don’t generalise this to all guys, I have no intention of cheating on my partner. I’ve had girls come onto me on nights out and shut them down immediately, you’ve just met shitty guys!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 February 2020):
 "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" Paraphrased quote from Albert Einstein. Your boyfriend is a liar, you know that already so whether or not what you did was a good idea? Does it really matter? Your boyfriend did what you thought he would do.
Why don't you do something different? LEAVE HIM.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (20 February 2020):
 The energy you have put into giving this loser another chance tells me that you are insecure and afraid of being alone.
I think you enjoy the temporary power you have over him when he is begging for another chance but in all honesty it is him who has the power over you.
Make this situation about you. Do not tolerate his bullshit. Expect better for yourself and distance yourself from all this negativity.
He has no respect for you and you have none for yourself if you allow him to keep coming back into your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2020):
 No, not all men will do what your ex did.
But liars and cheaters will do it. You knew he was a big fat liar, and you knew he was a cheater- but you keep giving him "chances" one after the other,- then you are even surprised of what he turns out to be ?!
I don't want to say " Once a cheater , always a cheater ", maybe that's just a cliche' , and people who really want to change themselves- do that ; they change. At the same time, ...how many chances do you want to keep giving to the same person ? Chances of what, of keep screwing you over ? ... IMHO, once is more than enough; if after one chance to put things right, he wastes his chance and keeps doing foolish, disrespectful stuff, - then,alas, you've got only yourself to blame. It's buyers beware in love too. You just will have to learn to " shop around " more wisely.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 February 2020):
 Why is this about ALL men? This is about one no-good lying piece of crap you call(ed) a boyfriend. You already KNEW he could not be trusted yet you set him a "test" in the hope he would what? Prove himself to be a decent human being? You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, sweetheart. Anyone who can pretend to have a dead brother just to manipulate someone really is scum.
Whether your fake account was a good idea or not is really irrelevant. It just confirmed what you already knew about him: that he is not to be trusted. Block him (and take out an injunction if he refuses to leave you alone) and move on with your life. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2020):
 Do I think it was a good idea?
No, but I don't think dating this guy is a good idea either.
Seriously OP, IF you feel you have to resort to tricks and traps to figure out whether he is not TOTALLY honest and straight with you.... you are either VERY naive or very... co-dependent on him or maybe.. a little nuts. (sorry).
YOU know what he is like, HE isn't going to change. NO ONE changes overnight.
He just said whatever HE thought YOU wanted to hear and he knows you well enough to GUESS the "right" thing to tell you. And you, SHOULD know better by now. It's been 2 years, it's not a healthy relationship, because HE isn't healthy OR honest.
OP, you know this guy is as "wrong" as they get but YOU enable that behavior because something about this roller-coaster off/on - batshit craziness GIVES you the DRAMA you apparently WANT in your life.
I think, (and I could be wrong here) that YOU presume that DRAMA and CRAZY shit means he loves you, like REALLY REALLY loves you. It doesn't. A GOOD, SOLID and HEALTHY relationship is not like a crazy roller coaster ride.
As for the "do all me" blah blah.. NO, men don't share a hive-mind so NOT all men would try and message another woman. Men who wants to CHEAT, sure. Why not? Men who doesn't REALLY feel deeply for their partners, sure. Why not? Men who are VERY selfish and think with their dicks, sure. Why not?
He doesn't love you or respect you. He believes you to be so desperate to have a BF that you will accept his shitty behavior and only fuss or argue, but still take him back.
You have to decide where you limit is to what you WILL allow in a relationship and what you won't.
You have to decide you own STANDARDS of behavior for yourself and whomever you choose to date.
It's not like you can't dump him, block his butt on everything and if he shows up in person call the police or simply don't open the door. YOU chose NOT to...
WHY?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): Typo corrected:
"What do you think? If you keep taking him back again and again, you will get different results?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): Some women never learn. How can you blame all men for what YOUR no-good man does? That isn't fair.
You keep going back to him! Yet you're making sexist remarks about "all men;" because "your man" is a piece of work.
My dear, it seems you must like drama. You keep recycling that lousy-boyfriend; with a cycle of on-again/off-again messy relationships. How can you blame your bad-choices on "all men?"
You tested him, and he failed it! The fact that he's a tool, negates anything he could possibly be angry at you for. I don't condone snooping and spying, but girlfriend...you were right on the nose!
In my opinion, you made a slick move and you outsmarted him!
Now delete his messages, block him on your phone and social media; then go no-contact! Ghost him, go radio-silent, and have nothing else to do with that jerk! If he comes crying his fake crocodile-tears at your door; call the cops, and file a harassment-complaint.
Want to know why he keeps coming back? Because he thinks you're a dummy. He's got a sweet deal! He can keep you as a girlfriend; but when he gets bored, he can check-out other chicks. He knows even if he lies, and keeps doing it, you'll still take him back.
So why stop cheating when you can getaway with it?
What do think? If you keep taking him back again and again, you will get different results?
Sweetheart, he has no respect for you! Even worse! He thinks you're so stuck on him, he can do anything to you; and you'll cling like gum on his shoe. Maybe not so much this last time! That was cute as hell! He must be pissed! I got a good chuckle out this one!
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