A
female
age
36-40,
*etobe
writes:Dear cupids, 3 months ago a young calleague and I started getting closer at work and we started seeing each other. He's from the uk and has an ex gf with a 3 yr old daughter.Naturally i wouldn't go for a man with that sort of baggage, but we hit it off so well that I made him an exception to the rule. I have never been married or had kids.After the Christmas break I came back and we had a falling out during the Xmas holidays that sort of scarred his trust for me even though I tried to be transparent as possible. He didn't speak to me for 10 days or so while being at work and until later he forgave me. Now, I've told him I am ready for a committed relationship but he's come back saying that he needs to focus on his daughter as a priority even though he's far away from her. And he said he's not ready to be in a commitment with me. Ofcourse I am a bit upset about it, but I am ready to be in a loving committed relationship with a partner. It wouldn't be fair for me to wait for him. Last night I told him my feelings and that I wouldn't wait forever for him. I belive its only fair I move on and start dating other people.How can I keep things professional with this person when we work in the same department and I see him all the time ??I have already began distancing myself and I've also chosen to work with others more. Thanks for your advice!
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at work, christmas, ex girlfriend, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): The words aren't meant to be unkind. They're meant to drive a point. When I got dumped, I couldn't hear the wisdom of my friends and the elders; because I was overcome with emotion. The objective of my straight-talk was to pierce through the thick-walls we put-up; because advice will go in one ear, and out the other. We can't absorb advice when it's sugarcoated and sappy. You're an adult, and somebody is breaking your heart. I gave you a little tough-love, my dear. It helped me when someone dumped me; and I pressed-on, and found a new love and happiness returned.
I wish the same for you. I had to rattle you a little-bit, don't take it the wrong-way!
A
female
reader, Metobe +, writes (20 February 2020):
Metobe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the advice.
WiseOwlE you definitely don't give advice kindly but yes I need to hear those words.
He did not use me, I could have been a rebound but I also did the same to him and those series of events gave him a reality check in realizing he needed to take a step back. Be rest assured, I am not crying over him,it is merely as you said, "exercising self dicepline" and belive me I don't think it'll be that difficult as it was a month or so of seeing each other.
Today is the last day of work until we have 8 days off work, so this time off work comes as a blessing in disguise.
In the last 24hours since I've been putting on a brave face and distanced myself at work, he's come back texting me a few times, however I have not responded nor checked his messages.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): Typo-correction:
"You have to let your mind and the heart work in synchronization; so you'll retain control over your feelings, rather than giving them all over to some man to manipulate at his will."
P.S.
Don't abuse your sick-leave or personal-time being a cry-baby and suffering over him! I suggested that only for mental-health reasons, and to exercise some self-discipline.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): You're being ruled by your emotions; so I owe it to you to give you some straight-talk and not dance-around the issue.
You are a dignified adult-female, and you have to financially support yourself. Can you afford to lose your job? Can you afford to embarrass yourself before other colleagues behaving like a love-struck high-school girl?
Get a grip, girlfriend! Snap out of it!!!
Pull-it together, and just get out of your head. You had no business dating a co-worker in the first-place; because 9 out of 10 times this is the mess that results from it. Your emotions and personal-affairs are to be put in-check when you are on the clock. No, it isn't easy. It takes practice, and you actually have to force yourself to do it. It takes self-discipline, and it also shows him he doesn't hold power over your feelings. He will use it against you, and will toy with your emotions when he knows you're smitten. He'll call you for booty calls, then treat you like dirt thereafter. He's not a bad-man; but you'll inflate his ego to behave like one, by acting like a sniveling-child over him.
You want to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head? Then you had better keep it professional and under-control while you're at work, my dear!
Check your nonsense at the door when you walk into your workplace; and put-on your daily "work-face," and pretend you're in good-spirits! If anybody asks, your world is under-control! Save your emotionalizing for when you're at home. Your personal soap opera does not belong on the job; and falling apart because of some guy is beneath you all in itself.
Where's your pride and self-respect?
You have to remind yourself that you're an adult. You can't force anyone to love or to want you! Becoming a shivering-heap of messy-emotions is an indication you wouldn't be mentally-prepared for a serious-relationship, even if one does come your way. Don't be so needy and desperate, girlfriend!!!
You have to let your mind and the heart work in synchronization; so you'll retain control over your feelings, rather then giving them all over to some man to manipulate at his will.
I refuse to sweet-talk and coddle you; I would rather tell it to you straight. You're too intelligent to be asking people to tell you how to behave when you're at work. You knew that before writing your post. Your employer hired you based on your knowledge, skills, qualifications, and experience. Does that all fly out the window over some man?
Take time-off alone. Maybe take a week of vacation, or personal-time, and sort-out your feelings. Talk to mother, tell her how you feel; and let-go and cry it out. Then make positive-affirmations to yourself that you have this whole thing under-control.
You don't have to wait for him. He used the daughter-thing as an excuse; she doesn't even live in the same country! What he wanted was a few rolls in the hay, and then everybody pretends it never happened, a friend with benefits. All the hitting it off, was just his way of baiting you in; to lower any resistance to sleeping with him. That's all it was, if all of sudden he's not interested in anything serious. After turning-on all that charm, and making you feel he felt something for you. Don't you get it?
Go to work, look him dead in they eyes; and you stay on-track for the work of the day!
Sorry, that I had to put this in harsh-language. You're hurting and emotional right-now; and you won't really absorb our advice, unless we get your full attention.
No matter how harsh my words come across, know that I'm on your side!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Just be professional at work. If you have to interact be polite but treat him as you would any other co-worker. If you don't HAVE to work with him, that only makes things easier. If you do, well then put on your best "professional" face and make the WORK about the assignment and nothing personal.
And take this as a lesson to not look for romance in the work place, it's just rarely a good idea, especially when it doesn't work out.
And no, don't "wait" for him to decide whether he wants to date you or not, he effectively turned you down. You are now free and single and can LOOK for a guy OUTSIDE work with whom you have more in common, someone who FITS what you are looking for.
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