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male
age
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*yonsdown
writes:I know this will make me sound like not a nice person (to some), when in reality I like to think I am decent, and am pretty diplomatic.Thing is, my gf of 3 years is aging badly. I love her to distraction, and that love is more about her lovely nature than about her looks (and I'm very physically into her). BUT no-one wants to have bags under their eyes and pretty wrinkly skin before the age of 50, in an era when something can be done about it. ie. cosmetic surgery.None of her friends or family are going to tell her, so I see it as up to me.I'm willing to pay what it takes to help her look better. And , yes, this is about what I want almost as much as it's about what she wants. So I have a shallow side- big surprise!She knows I'll be with her anyway, whether she has surgery or not.I've told her that many times.So I raise the subject the other day, suggesting she could investigate botox or more, and she flips: if I want someone with tight skin I should look for a 20 year old, etc, etc.There was no nice way of bringing this up, but I felt it had to be suggested.Was I so wrong? Maybe it's different for a guy, but if she'd said I was gong bald and had I thought of having a transplant, I'd have had no problem with that. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2019): Youre a good man for staying with her either way and a brave one for bringing it up. Women have double standards when it comes to stuff like this. I'm in a similar position where seeing someone 10 years older who wants a lot of me but fails to consider how her appearance is starting to put me off. Unfortunately it is what it is , its causing resentment in me (as I imagine it is in you) and I don't think it will last. She wants to hear how I'll stay with her no matter what . I can't give her that and I'm probably gonna move on. Her appearance is part of it , the fact that I can't communicate with her about it is worse. Being ten years younger and her wanting kids and me being iffy about that and her not listening makes me think it's all a bit too hard. Innately women have double standards and unfortunately I don't think I can take that. In your situation unfortunately I think it's going to build resentment in you until it comes out somehow. If you can find a successful way to broach the topic though id love to know.
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female
reader, Echo85 +, writes (26 March 2012):
 Yes you were wrong. You just tod a women that she needs plastic surgery so thst she looks the way you want her to look. Very, very undiplomatic and hurtful.
What you said will probably be at the forefront of her mind now everytime she looks in the mirror.
You have alot of making up to do.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): It's obvious to me that you meant well and I think some of the rude things said to you have been uncalled for.
That said, no woman wants to think that her partner thinks she's a good candidate for cosmetic surgery. Like it or not, what you said is going to take her a while to get over. Be prepared to get reminded of how deeply you insulted her over the next few months and probably years.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, dr.2.be  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 You probably hurt her feelings and made her feel uncomfortable and unattractive. Nobody is going to stay young forever and have forever tight skin. Maybe she doesnt have a problem with the way she looks.
Does she have a very stressful career? I know personally chances are I probably won't look all that young at 50 in part because of my future career but I sure am not going to inject botox into my face and paralyzing the muscles. I rather look older and but real.
She probably needs to get more rest and maybe eat better. Is she a smoker? Does she drink alcohol a lot? Perhaps she got a lot of sun when she was younger. All these things can cause one to age quickly. She can try to moisturize her skin more . But honestly, If you really love her, you should be happy with her, wrinkles or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Yes it was wrong of you and very unkind. She is probably just tired. Once you have ruled yourself out, ask if anything is causing her stress or unhappiness. Is her general health good? Does she work too hard or cope with a lot of pressure. There could be health or life style reasons for her suddenly `ageing badly`. It might be a reason that can be fixed without the need of toxins! And maybe dont mention you will be with her whether she stays wrinkly or has Botox. That might not be as uplifting to her as you imagine. I do love you older guys with your `magic mirrors` lol.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Oh dear, that was big "insert foot in mouth" moment you had there and you don't even see that? Seriously?
If you are so keen on botox who don't YOU try it? And show her the results of having a partially paralyzed face...
/facepalm
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2012):
 I know you said if she had said something about your hairline you would not mind but how would you feel if she suggested that you have penis enhancement? Not that she will leave you because she finds your aging penis unattractive but rather it would make YOU happier… see my point?
I hear what you are saying and I appreciate that you know you are a shallow. IF you don’t think she knows about the wrinkles and that her friends wouldn’t suggest it you know VERY LITTLE about women.
IF you would be there surgery or no why did you even bother to bring it up? WHO is this for? HER OR YOU? She is 100% right if you want younger and tighter go find YOUNGER and TIGHTER….
“Was I so wrong?” Yes you were.
Last JUNE I had plastic surgery that was reconstructive in nature and trust me it’s NOT easy. I was on heavy pain meds for SIX WEEKS and missed 8 weeks of work…. I did not have it because I was not youthful looking (although with a 38 yr old baby-faced fiancé my 52 year old body shows it more and more and he sometimes looks like his mommy is taking him out for dinner). I had plastic surgery round 1 so I could function as a normal person. I didn’t go to a “mommy makeover” PS either. I sucked it up and paid nearly 20 grand out of pocket, If you wanted her to have this would YOU Pay for it? (just curious there)…
What about her boobs? Want them done too? Guess what I had those done last June and they looked 20 for about 8 weeks Now NINE MONTHS later they are sagging already… age and gravity are wonderful things…
I often worry that my younger man is not happy but ya know what for all his faults once he fell in love with me I became the most beautiful sexy hot thing that walks this earth… and when I am sad that I am old, he tells me I’m beautiful and he shows me he loves me (NOT with sex that’s not what I mean)….
IF you truly loved her she would be the most beautiful thing in the world to you wrinkles and all.
You blew it big time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Just curious : what about YOUR face, OP ? You are 51-to 59, did you retain the healthy freshness and glow of your youth ? Are you wrinkle free, no crow's feet ,no sagging at all ? And what about your pecs, and abs ? do they still look like a washboard? Could I still bounce a dime off your butt ?...Oh, and what about your erection angle , - sadly, there's no denying it, a 50something erection is not the same sight as a 20something one...
Yes, I get it , OP, you would not feel offended if your partner suggested you surgical corrections for any of the above. But, the point is, that she did NOT suggest them. She is fine with you the way you are, showing the natural signs of aging. I bet that you look different from a man in his 30s, but that does not bother her. How come it does bother you if she does not look 30 ?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 March 2012):
If you really want her to get rid of the bags under her eyes and wrinkles, she's going to need actual surgery, not botox. Botox just temporarily (3 months) paralyzes the muscles in for example the forehead, so that it can't scrunch together again (what causes those horizontal lines) but it doesn't erase wrinkles. It also costs a boatload of money to keep doing regularly and it has side effects (droopy eyelids, etc.) Basically you're injecting poison into your face.
Surgery itself is, as you know: surgery. It's real, it's not something to be underestimated. She can get an infection, things can go wrong, she could have excess scarring. For every plastic surgery success story there are 10 disasters. Basically you're playing russian roulette with your appearance and there's no telling whether it'll come out the way you want or whether you'll actually look worse. Plus it costs even more than botox. Are those risks worth soothing your vanity?
In short, suggesting this to her is short sighted, not to mention stupid. My mother always said: don't offer advice on things you know absolutely nothing about. I will pass this on to you and hope you are sensible enough to apologize to your wife and get the idea out of your head that youth and beauty are attainable through plastic surgery. It's not. And it rarely ever looks natural.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 March 2012):
 I choked on my cup of tea when I read this!!!!
Good answers from everyone!!!
and to the OP....massive FAIL!!!!! Doh!!!!
xxx
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Hi,
Funny question. I can see that you are being honest, and sincere, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking your question. I do understand that you have the best intensions, but the worst thing you can do to a woman is make comments about her physical appearance.... Big mistake! You will never understand, but it's a big deal. It's a very sensitive subject to talk to your female partner. I am not surprise by her reaction and her comments. I am sure that you know that, but women are very different than men. In our society today, it's by nature that women feel insecure about our looks, no matter age, how beautiful or perfect you are, in our eyes we always find something that bother us and make us feel insure, always... So, yeah my friend, you made a mistake.... You have a lot of work to do to fix this, it will take a long time, and unfortunately she will never forget your comments... Sorry buddy...
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Do women not have enough to live up to nowadays without the man who claims to love them comparing them and deciding the come up short against his opinion of how she should look. You really don't deserve this woman, shallow Hal
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Exactly how much porn so you watch.... Omg how disrespectful can you get. She is right if you want those things look for a dumbass 20yr old
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Why didn't you just give her a paper bag to put over her head?
Sheeeesh, you have ALOT to learn about tact,diplomacy and women.
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female
reader, shazz1991xoxo +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Yea it was kinda rude, but I know that you just wanna love her emotionally and physically also, just explain you're sorry and make her feel beautiful because saying something like that could really shatter someone's confidence xoxo good luck
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (23 March 2012):
 No offense...( said sarcasticly) but you sound like a selfish & arrogant dickhead! If my bf said that to me? I would be in tears and feel so insulted!! Wait a minute.. I would not be with someone so shallow minded and down right mean to me! It sounds like you need to get your priorities straight. If you really loved her? You would accept her for the wonderful person she is and rise above "your" insecuries with YOU wanting her to get botox. I am sure you look SO perfect yourself... Go suck a lemon man!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Even if you meant well, that was very inconciderate of you! No wonder the poor woman got upset, its like saying 'fix your face, i dont find you attractive anymore' if you love her then love her for her whole self not for what she looks like and tell her that! Why does it bother you that she is ageing? It obviously isnt bothering her! I think you should take that botox money and use it to buy her some nice flowers and dinner to apologise!
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