A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had plans with my gf last night, that we had made weeks in advance, to meet up at ten pm as i was winding down from work. I'm a bartender and Thursday nights are crazy. And she was going to come when she knew we were going to exchange shifts and I was getting off work. I got off a little early, around 930, and tried to call her. Her phone was dead and went straight to voicemail. So I sat and waited til after 1030 with no word from her at all. I didn't want to leave in case she just showed up because her phone was dead. I eventually gave up and left. I went home and crashed. Well around midnight I get a message from her saying that her brother had gotten into a huge fight at home and she went to go be with him and spend time with him. This is common, as her brother and mother have a very bad relationship and she calls the cops on him frequently. I woke up around 1 am and messaged her back and just said goodnight and sweet dreams. I was frustrated she didn't even consider messaging even once to let me know not to wait on her and what was going on. We have been working on our communication and I decided this morning to let her know that while I wholeheartedly support her decision to cancel plans with me to be with her brother in a time of need, I thought it was only fair to send me a text when she found out about what was going on and to let me know she may not make it, as she knew I would be waiting on her. I made it a point to let her know I support her decision to be with him and cancel on me. But that from now on, could she please give me a heads up in the future. She ripped me telling me sarcastically that "sure, from now on, I'll make a point to interrupt my brother who is breaking down and ask to use his phone to send you a text." It made me feel really awful and like I'm extremely selfish for asking for better communication. I don't know what I did wrong. Am I selfish for asking this?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 No, you are not selfish, you are just dating a very rude and self absorbed person. The only valid reason to not advise timely, or as timely as possible, of a plans cancellation is being physically incapacitated ( car accident or something like that ).
She could and should have done easily and naturally exactly what she feels so impossible and preposterous , i.e. telling her brother " Ok, hang in there, I just need to send X a quick test then I 'll stay with you all night ".
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 Hi
Your not her priority her family is.
She had time to let you know she couldn't make it because she had time to receive a call about her brother then get over there, 2 mins to send you a text was easy.
Your not selfish you expect respect as we all do, you were waiting after a hard shift at work and she didn't show up. It wasn't a casual date, she's your girlfriend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): My ex did this to me quite often. I let it slip by the first times, and then everything went downhill, to a point here he'd stand me up, and would call only HOURS, even days later.
Work that out.
It's a lack of respect if you stand your SO and don't even bother to warn. One or two times is understandable, but don't let this become a habit!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (1 June 2013):
 No you are not selfish for asking for her to be considerate of your plans that you had made weeks in advanced. She could have told her brother that she had made plans with you a long time ago, her phone is dead, can I please let him know what is going on? I do that when my brother needs me and he understands.
You have every right to be angry, frustrated, hurt and feel like she wasn't even thinking about you. A text takes a couple minutes to send and she should have given you that consideration.
You're girlfriend sounds very immature.
Good luck and I hope you work things out with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): No not at all, if I had made plans with my boyfriend and I couldn't make it I would let him know! I wouldn't make him wait there and not know, she wouldn't have to needed to tell him she could have just pretended to go to the toilet and rang or texted you to let you know
You can be understanding to a certain degree, it takes 2 to make a relationship and there has got to be communication on both sides
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 I don't think you are being selfish. I would want to know if my girlfriend/boyfriend had to cancel plans.
I'm sure her brother wouldn't mind her using his phone to send you one little text. While this happens a lot it's not an emergency either.
I think the reason why she is so defensive is because she knows she did something wrong and is trying to blame you for her mistake. Don't tolerate it or guilt trip you. You did nothing wrong and it must have been hurtful waiting for her and not knowing if she would show up or not.
Perhaps next time give her a time limit? "If your not here by this time then I'm leaving."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Common manners would say it would not take more than thirty seconds to text or make a quick phone-call. Her being snotty is un acceptable. Are you committed to each other exclusively? Is your girlfriend a qualified mental health crisis worker? You didn't say. I can only think that she isn't because of the way she handled you. If you two are in a committed relationship then she should of said sorry hon with a quick text, explain and then carry on. If she is your girlfriend then she is the one being selfish about the whole affair. After all this isn't the first incident is it? It would of been more appropriate for your girlfriend to call 911 and relay what was happening. They would of dispatched the police and ems people who are trained in handing such cases. Tell your girlfriend that her brother needs professional help. Also sit down with your girlfriend and establish proper behaviour between you two when home emergencies occur. No need for her to blow her stack at you. If she cant meet you half way on your request for verbal messages between you two you better re visit if she is the girlfriend you really should be with. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (31 May 2013):
 maybe you can tell her if shes more than 20 mins late you have the option of leaving
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 I think you're both a little bit in the wrong here. I think it is a little bit insensitive, or maybe unrealistic is a better word, to expect her to have to call you while she's in the middle of a serious family crisis. On the other hand if I were her, once it was all over I personally would concentrate on making it up to you.
So it's a tricky one. I'm not sure what you should do. I don't think you should appologise though. Perhaps just give her space and see what happens when things have calmed down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Between receiving the call that her brother needed help and her travelling there, she had the opportunity to send you a text. So that sounds like a smoke screen for deeper issues in your relationship.
Her response to what you said sounds rather immature. The only other reason why anyone would react like that is if they really didn't care about you and you're inconveniencing them by asking to be treated well.
RE this incident: you've made your point that the relationship needs more communication. Be the bigger person and say you understand that she wasn't able to let you know last night as that happens sometimes. Tell her you just want to know that she will always do her best to get in touch next time anything else comes up. Explain how you ended up waiting for ages and you were extremely worried about her.
RE the relationship: she sounds like she has a lot going on. Do you feel like you are a priority in her life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): I am afraid she is in the wrong. It is only a courtesy to let the other person know of what is happening, you could have been worried sick thinking that she may have had an accident.
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (31 May 2013):
No, you're not selfish. While she's going through tough times with her brother, she does need to understand that the rest of the world doesn't stop, and needs to be considerate of the other things going on.
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