A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I got in a big fight tonight and I need some advice. So he's seemed a little distant for the last few days, even though he told me nothing was wrong. Maybe he just needed some space, I don't know. Anyway, I was supposed to meet up with him at a friend's house shortly after work but after I got off the phone with him, I talked to another friend that was working on a mural nearby, so I stopped by there on the way (but didn't call to tell him, thinking it would only be a few minutes and I would tell him as soon as I saw him) but ended up chatting and helping out a bit, so he calls after a short while and gets mad when he hears what I was doing. Rather, he was mad that I didn't tell him my change of plan beforehand. Shady behavior by his standards. Understandably, he felt deceived, but I figure this is not necessarily something to flip out over. He used a hypothetical comparison of him stopping by the house of two very flirtatious girls he knows from work to hang out on his way to my house, but not telling me before or after. I said that was outrageously mismatched since I went to meet another girl and not two horny dudes. Plus I was going to tell him as soon as I saw him. I totally get that he would feel hurt since I have been deceptive to him before, but I recently came clean to him about lies I had told in the past and we were moving on and things were going well. I didn't realize how deceptive I had really been by not coming clean sooner and now I am really wanting and trying to be honest and forthright. I feel horrible that I didn't call to tell him I was going to make a stop before seeing him because I had even thought about it, I just didn't think I needed to. Now it's blown up into a huge fight, and I don't want him to feel like he can't trust me. I wasn't trying to hide anything. I just did something that looked shady to him, I guess. So what do you guys think? Is he overreacting or being too critical? Am I really to blame? Is there maybe another hidden factor at play here and this was just the last straw? Is there hope for this relationship?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 OUCH...
personally if my husband is expecting me at 4 and I know I'm not going to be there till 4:05 I will call him and tell him I'm running late. It's common courtesy.
as for meeting friends... we have a rule in our house... NOTHING is done outside of our marital home without first clearing it with the other.
I decide I want to have dinner with a girlfriend. I first ASK my husband if he MINDS if I have dinner with her the following week and which day works best for him...
He knows that my ASKING is just a polite way of saying... I'm doing this... but I give him the choice of which day I do it.
Best advice... apologize for overreacting and from now on clear all things that affect him IN ADVANCE of doing it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Shady maybe not, but surely inconsiderate. If you know someone is waiting for you , and you get caught up in something else ( which, is alreday rather indelicate, because if you have an appointment with A then you meet B, getting in time to A should still be your priority ), the least you can do is call them or text them that you are running late.
Here the problem is compounded, because it's not really about punctuality, is about deception. And if you have a bad record of deception, and you promised to come clean and not do it anymore... well, I can see how he may think you are not keeping your promise. Deception is also OMITTING things, that's why if asked, " why didn't you tell me you had sex with X ? " " because you did not ask me " is never a good answer :)
Yes, I know, you weren't doing anything wrong, just helping out a friiend, and your bf probably has become a bit trigger-happy and overreactive about omissions, but, basically, he is not wrong. If you have promised to be frank and open and don't omit things, well, you start from also the small things, to show that you took your promise seriously and trust CAN be rebuilt.
( Never to mention that just stopping and minding your own business when you know he's waiting for you is not the best of manners anyway !, but that's another story ).
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Why didn't you just send him a message saying you were popping in to see your friend who is working on a mural nearby?
Lets look at it another way... If you were waiting for your boyfriend to come over and he decides to pop to a bar (the pub here in England) and then you call him up and say "where are you?" and he says "I just popped in the pub on the way over to see my mate" you'd be mad/upset.
Women on here would be jumping up and down screaming HANG HIM HANG HIM!
This type of behaviour shows a lack of consideration, manners, and respect. You could've called him and told him, or you could've said to your friend you're going to see your boyfriend but you can pop over (insert day/time) and see it/help out.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
He may be overreacting, but that's how you've taught him to act by deceiving him in the past, then not taking that into consideration when you disappear when he's expecting you.
Let's just say that I'd be upset as well because the bottom line is that you were being disrespectful.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Well I think you should have called him just because he was waiting for you and might have been worried. Also, if you are aware that he might not be as trusting because of what you have done in the past, then you should have called, otherwise his imagination will run wild. Still, he did seem to overreact. There really was no need for him to make up a hypothetical situation totally unlike what you were doing but this hypothetical situation shows that he's probably afraid you will run off with some dude or another. Did your past deeds really break his trust in you? There is a chance he'll never get over it in which case the relationship probably won't be healthy. If they're small misdeeds then he might be developing some controlling behaviour...
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