A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To make a long story short, I feel so alone. I'm a student at university and this year my housemate has decided that it's her or my boyfriend and after trying and trying to accommodate them both, with the problem (supposedly) being that he spent too much time in our house, where I clean up, I bought everything and we don't pay bills at all, and that if I was a good friend I'd never make her feel uncomfortable by forcing her to be around him, which I never did, we made every effort to stay out of her way to the point of waiting to use the toilet despite how desperate he might have been until she was back in her own bedroom.Anyway, since everything kicked off she spends every day at our mutual friends, turning one of them against me so much so she would send me messages saying I'm not welcome and nobody has ever liked me anyway if only I had heard what they say behind my back, etc. etc.I tried to leave everyone out of the drama, feeling theres no reason you can't be friends with both of us and eventually my one friend left said to come down to the local with them all, I spent the whole night by myself while my housemate and the other girl plus her boyfriend threw bottle caps in my drink, so I left. I went out the next week and had a better time, had some company but my housemate smacked me after I saw her threaten our mutual friend about talking to me and she told me I wasn't welcome and should f*ck off. when our male friends heard about it they asked if I was okay and then said can't me and her go one single night without causing drama. So out of courtesy to everyone else, I havn't been out in months, I sit in my room all day and all night, the only conversation I get is from my boyfriend who is busy all day and gets annoyed at me calling him through the day to talk, which i understand, but I just get lonely.Now they have all started going out and not even bothering to tell me, my one friend left takes hours to reply to a simple message and after telling me she was done with my housemate as well due to her bitching constantly, she still left me by myself for half an hour in a pub to go sit with her, then at the end of the night, when I went to the toilet I got out just in time to see them all leaving....I'm sorry for the long confusing text, I just feel so alone in the world, as if it's all my fault as well. despite everyone always falling out with my housemate, I'm the one that deserves to be outcast...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): I disagree with k_100, this girl has no right to be annoyed at you for having your boyfriend round. It is your house as much as it is hers, and you have every right to invite whoever you want to come over. If she wants a house where she gets everything her own way and exactly as she ants it, then she needs to get a place of her own. It sounds to me like she is jealous that you have a boyfriend, and when her attempts to control you didn't work she has started acting really childish and petty. I hope you realise that you are better off without her, but I understand why you feel bad that your other friends have taken her side. Have you looked into moving out? If you are at uni then you can often get transferred into a student flat with other people your age. Or have you tried to get out and make new friends outside of this group? Maybe join a club or a gym or something? Or does your boyfriend have any female friends you could get to know? I have to tell you that I went through a similar thing (not the same situation but ended up with me being the outcast for standing up to the bully leader of the group) with my flatmates at uni so I know how hard it can be. It does get better as you get older though I promise. You sometimes just have to accept that there are some toxic people out there who still act like children when they are supposed to be adults.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Ok important lesson to learn - housemates and boyfriends dont mix. EVER.
I experienced the same thing, time and time again - when you are living with friends or housemates they will ALWAYS get upset when you have your boyfriend round, no matter how courteous you think you are being. I lived in a house share once, with 2 other people and my boyfriend came round fairly frequently. He got on with everyone really well, the other girl in the house had her boyfriend around all the time but it was still me that got singled out as having my boyfriend over too much. Despite my boyfriend only ever being downstairs when we ate dinner and the rest of our time was in my room, that still wasnt good enough. I ended up falling out with my housemates and I hated living there.
Same sort of thing happened when I was at uni, my housemates all got pissed off whenever I had a boyfriend and he spent time at my house.
So what you are going through is pretty standard, housemates and boyfriends/girlfriends just dont mix. In particular it will be worse for your housemate as it appears there are only 2 of you living there, and she is single? She agreed to live with you, she never asked to live with your boyfriend too. She will want to spend time with you, not you + 1. It pisses people off when someone who was never invited to live in the house spends time at the house for free, not paying bills, not paying for food, not paying for water etc.
She does have a valid reason to be annoyed I'm afraid. On a basic level you dont want to be around people you dont know that well in your own home - in your own home you want to be able to wander around in your scruffy PJ's with no make up on if you want, you dont want to be on edge knowing there is a semi-stranger in the house. Its like having someone over to stay every day, where you have to be on your best behaviour and of course it does make you feel uncomfortable.
HOWEVER she had NO right to hit you, that is assault and you should have reported her to the police for that. Any kind of violence should not be tolerated, there is no excuse for that and she clearly is not a nice person.
Ok so she has got good reasons to be annoyed, however she should have spoken to you about it in a grown up manner, and you should have come to a compromise i.e. she agrees to him coming round a maximum of 2 nights a week etc.
So now the choice is yours - in my opinion she sounds like a nasty piece of work and I wouldnt want to live with that kind of person anymore knowing that she is violent and is trying to turn your other friends against you.
Can you move out? Or is the property yours (or your families)? If the place is yours, can you ask her to leave? If moving out isnt an option for either of you, then I suggest you start sorting your life out without this group of friends. You will make new friends, it is easy to do when you are uni.
Get a part time job so you are not sat in your room all day, you will meet new people through work as well. Join some societies or clubs at Uni, there are loads to choose from and again its a great way of making new friends. Volunteer for a charity if you have time, it will keep you busy and make you feel like you are doing something worthwhile. Speak to new people on your course at Uni, again thats another easy way to make new friends.
Your housemate and current group of friends are just not worth bothering with anymore, your housemate is violent and nasty, and your friends are stupid for remaining friends with a violent person. You need new friends, and at Uni there are LOADS of opportunities to meet people so stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your bum and get yourself out there.
Friends come and go, you have learnt a lesson here never to have boyfriends over too much (maximum 2 nights per week) because it pisses people off, but your housemate and friends have gone way over the top and are not worth wasting your time with anymore.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (14 February 2013):
This isn't your family we're talking about, these are people who you don't have to be friends with. Move out and find a new roommate.
Make sure your new roommate is aware of the situation with your bf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): It's most definitely not your fault. Your roommate is being unreasonable and honestly I feel like they are all bad friends for behaving that way. Try going online and finding groups that go do activities together, that's a great way to make friends. I think you really just need to get some new friends.My little sister has had this kind of problem a few times with different friends and for the most part it seems like it's a trend among many girls. She doesn't let that get to her and she goes out and tries to meet new people. She has definitely had tough times and I feel bad whenever anyone has to go through that.I'm bipolar and I often feel lonely, even though I have a handful of amazing friends and a family that is extremely supportive. I tend to blame myself for my own unhappiness and I forget that these scenarios prove to me who my true friends are. When I talk to them they are always helpful and make me feel better. If you were in a time of need and you still were friends with these people it seems like they're the kind of people that wouldn't come through for you. I remember the speaker at my college graduation said to us "don't bother with bad people. There are plenty of great people out there, so you don't need to waste your time on the bad ones." Look at this as an experience that showed you that they weren't true friends. There are millions of great people out there and I'm sure many of them would love to meet new people. Give it a shot. Put yourself out there. Maybe look into a group activity you've always wanted to try but never found the time for. No one deserves to be that lonely and I know first hand how seeking out and surrounding yourself with the right kind of people can truly pull you out of it.Don't give up! It's not your fault. And remember to keep telling yourself that it's never too late to make new friends.
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