A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please, any advice is so appreciated! My boyfriend and I (22 and 21) have been seeing each other for a little over a year. I am his first serious relationship. He is my second. I am a go-getter. I am very motivated in both school and work. I am a dual major with a minor. I work on campus in a part-time teaching position. I thoroughly enjoy my life and can’t wait to reach the goals I have set for myself. My boyfriend is a little lost, on the other hand. He does well in school, but is a little behind in his degree. He has worked at a fast food restaurant for the past few years, making just a little above minimum wage. His Mom really has coddled him and controlled his life, that’s his assertion. I have to agree. It wasn’t until about six months into our relationship that he had his own car. He was sharing one with mom. But due to hard financial times, I’ve never judged him for it. I merely encouraged him to save up and become more independent because he always complains of problems with his mom, and it seems the answer is to become more independent and redefine his relationship with her as an adult one. Sometimes, though, tensions arise from this difference in personality. He often feels down on himself. He often says he “can’t” do things and just generally lacks confidence and self-esteem. I try to support him as much as possible. But if you are going to complain nonstop about the same issues of having a crappy job, living with your mom, feeling you have no privacy, wishing you had more money, etc., then it seems that you should do something about it. I understand jobs aren’t as plentiful now, but you can still look to get out of the fast food world. You can continue your current job and begin to save money up for a place. Little by little, I believe there is always a way to better yourself and improve your life. My boyfriend, though, often has a pessimistic attitude and zero confidence, and I refuse to coddle him 24/7. So, sometimes we fight about his motivation and goals in life. With time, things have gotten much better. He has paid off a significant portion of his student loans, has begun saving some money for his own place, and has a job interview scheduled next Friday. My question, though, is not entirely related to this. I’m just giving some background. This past week, we were bickering about these usual tensions (honestly, I had nagged a bit too much. This fight was my own fault, and it was wrong. I need to work on not nagging so much.), and I was feeling a little dismal about the relationship. I suddenly got an urge to check the online dating site we had met on. I have no idea why. This powerful feeling, intuition rather, just arose within me. So, I looked and found his account still existed. He hadn’t been on in months, but he had still been on while we had been dating and that is a NO-NO. So, I called him and demanded his password. He gave it to me, but said he hadn’t been on and there would not be anything there. Wrong answer. There were messages from April to a few girls. Really, only two conversations took place for a few days, and they were about television shows. Nothing sexual or flirtatious, and they stopped bluntly, but the fact that he had even gotten on and spoke to other women on a site, whose purpose is to find you DATES, really burned me. I thought back to the time when the messages derived. We had been in a big fight. The turning point fight about his life goals and motivations. I told him I had had enough of his unwillingness to do anything better for himself or for us. I told him I was done with him. I couldn’t see anymore because we just differed too much on this. He cried for it to not be that way, but I told him I just couldn’t go on anymore with these tensions always lingering. Either they get resolved or we end. We didn’t really speak for a few days. He tried to speak to me some, but I was cold and distant, angry that he didn’t want more for himself and because I see what a beautiful person he is and he doesn’t. We were “broken up,” but maybe for a week. We eventually started talking, and we really aired out our problems. He agreed to work harder, and I would say he really has since then. He has changed quite a bit and is much more motivated to better his life.But these messages. Sure, we were “broken up” during this fight, but it doesn’t seem right to me to run and talk to other girls just once the going gets tough with your bf/gf. If you love them truly, then is this what you do? I didn’t go talk to anyone else just because I was upset and mad. I feel really hurt. I feel almost cheated on. He and I have talked about it. He explained that he was just feeling really bad about himself and felt that I really never wanted to see him again. He said he became really lonely and lost because of his horrible family relationships and lack of friends. He had no one to turn to. He said he was really angry with the situation and with himself and just wanted to talk to someone about anything, just a common interest, or something stupid. He didn’t want a romantic connection. He didn’t even like the girls once he talked to them. He was just wanting some sort of validation that someone would talk to him, but he still felt horrible about our situation. He realized that those messages were so pale in comparison to the conversations he had with me. He never wanted anyone else. So, he stopped. He felt ashamed about it and just buried it. Never getting back on there and solely focusing on us, which is what he really wanted. I immediately said, “So, when we get into a fight, you feel bad about yourself, or you get lonely I have to worry about you running off and talking with other girls?” He said no and that it was and still is such a stupid decision. He told me I had done nothing wrong and he had just been a selfish idiot, that he didn’t think about how I would feel when he did what he did, but once it happened he felt guilty and terrible, realizing what he could potentially be losing. He apologized and cried quite a bit. I told him I didn’t think I could see him for a while and that I felt too betrayed.Since then, he keeps apologizing and contacting me. He wants to see me and make up for it, but I feel unready. I don’t know how to feel. So, I keep telling him I need time. He says he has something “in the works,” as an apology, whatever that means. He keeps telling me how much I mean to him and how it would never, ever happen again and that he will give me as much time as I say I need. It seems genuine.Yes, we bicker. But all in all, I’ve loved my boyfriend more than anyone else. We have shared plenty of great times. We laugh constantly and always enjoy one another’s company. He has always made me feel wanted and special.Still, I wonder if what he did is cheating or if it can be forgiven? People get angry and upset and sometimes do stupid things. He didn’t sleep with anyone. He just talked about some TV shows. The event is isolated. I have looked and looked and found no other evidence of deceit. He seems very apologetic and willing to work on this, accepting full responsibility. But I still feel betrayed.I guess I just am asking if this is cheating and how should I proceed? Can this be forgiven? Under the circumstances stated, was it just a lapse of judgment or should this be a red flag?Thank you!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I took what you guys said to heart. I'm sincerely working on being too controlling. My boyfriend and I have worked out our issues and discussed pretty thoroughly this matter. I've apologized for my misdoings and now I just try to encourage him to do what he sees best, not just what I see best. We've forgiven each other, and we're really happy. Sorry for coming off like a b!tch.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 No it's not cheating, it's not a red flag and forgiveness doesn't even come into it. You had broken up with him, and made him feel like a loser; no surprise he was seeking some 'validation'. You treat him like a loser. I think you did the right thing back in April by breaking up with him. You two are not compatible. I don't think he will ever quite manage to be who you want him to be, and why should he? Why should he have to strive to keep up with you if that's not him? Really, if anyone should be apologising for their behaviour, I'm afraid it's you.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Maybe this is something that you are not aware of, but you come across like an extremely domineering and overbearing person. Please do not take offence because I dont know you and I have nothing against you. This is just something that jumps right off your post. You have high ambitions in life and are driven which is a great things but not everyone in the world is alike. You dont know what circumstances the other person is in or has been in so you cant jump to conclusions.
To make a long story short, you and your boyfriend are not compatible for each other. You need someone who's like you and he needs to be with someone who's compassionate and willing to give him some space and patience. You are just breathing down his neck, demanding he better step up in life, constantly judging him. You think you're trying to help him but you're NOT. You're just bringing him down and making him feel much, much worse. I'm amazed that you said you "demanded" his password from him and the poor guy even gave it to you. Any other guy might have just refused straight away and asked you to mind your own business but this guy was meek enough to actually hand it right over to you! Wow!! This guy hasn't even remotely cheated on you but you've already buried him alive in just assuming he has!!
You know what, if you care about this guy then please let him go and stop making his life even worse. You are the one with issues that need help, not him. You need to have someone to control and you've found the right person but you're just making his life miserable. He might feel that he cant live without you and he might have told you all that jazz but you will do him the biggest favour in walking away from him. You need to cast a look on yourself first and address your own issues because the way you are trying to steer yourself is not healthy. You have tremendous insecurities that YOU need to address first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): When you try to 'improve' someone then you are giving them the message that they are not good enough the waa they are. Who are you to judge someones self-worth or dictate their lifes path?
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female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 You seem very condescending towards your boyfriend. We all have different attitudes about our lives, our careers, our relationships, etc... Trying to force him into yours isn't right, and it's not healthy. We choose our own paths, and like BimBim said, you should let him choose his for himself. All you're going to get out of doing this to him, in the end, is him resenting you.
I've dealt with one relationship where the guy was very much like you are. It was unbearable. He was constantly on me to do better, he'd never listen to me when I needed to talk, and made me feel horrible about myself all the time. Towards the end, I nearly hated him. I resented him to a point that I had never reached with anyone before. All I was, was there for him. All the time. I never got that in return. I can't even begin to tell you how horrible that made me feel. To put it bluntly, I really do sympathize with your boyfriend.
He didn't cheat on you, and he didn't do anything wrong. They talked about TV shows... The fact that they just so happened to be women is what bothers you. That is a problem with you, not with him.
My advice is to APOLOGIZE. PROFUSELY. Listen to him when he needs to talk, and be there for him when he needs you to be. If you have always felt wanted and special, you are lucky. You should try your hardest to make him feel that way, in return. And lastly, you need to get off your high horse.
We all take people for granted sometimes, but you're really pushing it, here. He's a human being, not someone for you to mold into your ideal boyfriend. He's an individual and you either love him as is, or move on to someone who is more suited to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 How about, rather than trying to organise him into doing what you believe is best for him, you let him find his own path to determine what is best for him.
Remember, girls usually mature quicker than boys, he could still be finding his feet, from reading your original question he went from being told what to do by his mother to being told what to do by you.
Cut him some slack, when the urge to 'organise' comes, or the urge to DEMAND take a few steps back and let him sort through it himself. It may be slower than you would like, or it might not be exactly as you would like, but you need to accept you are dealing with an individual and not an extension of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, now I feel horrible. And no I don't want to throw away the good times. I don't mean to control him. I love him and just want the best for him. I really do. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not meaning to dominate him or control him. I just try to encourage him to improve what he dislikes/hates about his life. I just get frustrated when he claims defeat too quickly or never tries. I do know I nag him quite a bit, and I have resolved from thinking about this situation that I need to improve my attitude on that front. I need to try to not get as frustrated and to be a much more positive support system.
But he tells me I make him feel loved and special. I really try to make him feel good.
Now, I feel sort of guilty.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Wow! You sure know how to make a guy feel good. He didn't cheat on you, nothing like it. He was fed up, pissed off because of the fall out and spoke to a couple of random people who were female so cut the guy some slack.
You are totally dominating this relationship and THAT is not healthy. You say "he has always made me feel special and wanted..." I wonder if he thinks the same way about you?
He has justified over and over again why he did what he did, told you how he feels about you and still you tell him "you need time." Unless you lighten up and allow him to grow and make his own decisions (and encourage him when he does) then this relationship will go nowhere.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): It sounded like he was going through something tough and he had to confide in someone. Occasionally it's just easier to talk to some random person because they listen more objectively.
I think you need to cut your boyfriend some slack. You seem happy with life, and you have high expectations. That works for you, but you can't impose them on other people. He's far from messing up his life so just give him a bit of time to catch up with you. You don't have to molly coddle him, just tell him if he wants to make changes, make them and you'll be there to support if needed.
And to answer your question, no I don't class it as cheating. IT's not a red flag, but if you feel betrayed, and don't think you can forgive him then don't. But seriously are you going to give up all the good times because he talked too someone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): I don't generally post my opinion but I read this post and it really pissed me off."He cried for it to not be that way....He tried to speak to me some, but I was cold and distant, angry that he didn’t want more for himself and because I see what a beautiful person he is and he doesn’t" OMG he tried to reach out to you and you completely rejected him. You said "it doesn’t seem right to me to run and talk to other girls just once the going gets tough with your bf/gf"...well it doesn't seem right to ME to break up with a guy just because the going gets tough. Doesn't sound like YOU truly love HIM. Bottom line you rejected him (even when he begged for you not to), then dumped him, then you have the nerve to get upset because he TALKED to another girl??? Whatever went on after YOU broke up with HIM is NONE of your business, nor should he be judged or punished for it. He did not betray you at all, in fact you betrayed him by the way you treated him.Sounds like YOU are the worst thing for his self esteem and an absolute nightmate to be with. You are trying to CONTROL his life What makes you think that the way YOU want him to be is the right way for him? He is going to school and has a job, seems like a stand-up guy. He doesn't sound lost to me at all.I suggest letting the poor guy go and let him find someone who is supportive, kind, compassionate, and who loves him for HIM and not what you want him to be. He's going to need to work on his self-confidence and self-esteem issues after dating you.
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