A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I am in an interesting relationship. It's not an easy one to be in. My partner and I have been together for 5 and a half years. Through out that time I have struggled with turning into an alcoholic and depression. When we were first together we both drank. Drank alot. That drinking caused many miscommunications, physical violence on both parts, alot of mental abuse. I gave up my family because they were not acceptive of him. They said he was an alcoholic. I chose to give up that relationship with them and carry on the relationship with him. We live separately now and don't spend time with each others children. As a matter of a fact no one really knows that we are still together. I have felt through out the years the lack of money because it all went to alcohol, the struggle to pay bills and keep ahead while still trying to maintain the lifestyle of drinking. I have realised that I do not wish to spend my life like that. I have choosen to pretty much give up drinking. He says that he might be 42 years old but he isn't dead and believes that life is a party. He is constantly drinking with the neighbours at his place and with his friends. If we make plans for a certain time, he often will text and say that so and so showed up and they weren't leaving so he had to stay to keep them company drinking. There are so many times I wish we could have a normal relationship. He is at a 2 week long family reunion right now and I am not invited. They are all big partiers and drinkers. I don't think I would really want to go as I don't want to be in that enviroment but it would be nice to act like a normal couple and do things together. I think I know within myself that I have to let this relationship go. I do love him. I am not happy. I feel that I am an embarrassment to him. I know that I am as we have talked about it. He texts me while he is at this reunion telling me he loves me and misses me so much and thinks of me all the time. But, if that were really the case, would I not be there with him...or doing so many other things in life with him...just like other couples?
View related questions:
alcoholic, money, neighbour, text, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 Deep down inside, I believe you already have your answer, but just want a little of encouragement and support. Perhaps I can give that to you. Its not easy being with an alcoholic. I know, I was married to one. Its not a pretty life, its not a happy life. Its a horrible life. You will never be first in their life, you can't be. Alcohol is their number 1 priority. They will lie, steal and cheat to get the alcohol. They will turn their backs on the ones they claim to love the most just for a drink. They will turn on you in a heartbeat and can be very cruel, sometimes both mentally and physically. I wouldn't doubt that he loves you, but he loves alcohol more. And unless he can admit that he has a problem, you will never be his number 1 priority. Its so sad, but so true. I know you are hurting, truly I do. I walked away from a 16 year marriage because my husband became an alcoholic. It really hurt, but I knew that we were never going to have a normal life again. My husband didn't want to stop drinking. I couldn't live like that anymore. Please put yourself first and think of your own happiness. You can love someone but it doesn't mean that you should be with them. I wish you peace and happiness and I hope that you will have the courage and the strength to walk away from this unhappy relationship.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 First of all I want to commend you for making the decision to give up drinking. You want to change your lifestyle, but unfortunately he doesn't and THAT'S where the problem lies.It's natural you'll still have feelings for this man. You chose him and alcohol over your family. He's been your friend, your lover and your drinking companion for five and a half years... but you're NOT happy! As long as you continue to keep him in your life then the road to soberiety will be almost impossible.You have made the most important decision. You've admitted your problem and WANT to change your life. The next thing I would strongly advise you to do is find your nearest Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and go there on a regular basis. There you'll get the encouragement you need to stay off the booze. You'll also be made really welcome and will meet new friends with the right kind of attitude and will be assigned to a mentor who will genuinely be there for you if you need to talk.Once you take the steps to change your life around, expect your partner to do everything he can to change your mind. He'll fill your mind with all sorts of things, how much he loves you etc etc but always remember HE LOVES THE BOTTLE MORE! He's just looking for a drinking buddy. When he sees you won't me moved he won't wait around and will find someone else to drink with.STAY STRONG, you've made the right decision and in time you'll look back and see your partner in a very different light.Hang in there and I wish you well in the future.~Eve~
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (15 July 2012):
 He may love you and miss you, but he is not mature enough to see that his mistress is the alcohol and he has ruined his relationship with you due to his drinking. This is not a healthy relationship for you. His relationship is with the alcohol and if he thinks "life is a party", he is not willing to change. Being alive, energetic, and passionate about life has very little to do with alcohol. He still thinks he's a 21 year old in a 42 year old body. You are thinking you are an embarrassment to him because he has probably brainwashed you into believing you are the problem. That couldn't be further from the truth. It sounds like you have put all of the blame on yourself for the downfall of this relationship. Please don't allow him to do that to you. He is the one with the problem. Let's put it this way, I have great neighbors too and we all have great backyards. We all love to cookout and have a few drinks every once in awhile. But this isn't the focus of our lives. As long as this is the focus of his life, you won't have a normal relationship, and he has basically told you he isn't going to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, IamJess +, writes (15 July 2012):
 You've obviously both been through a lot together, like when you first was together and stuff, and it seems like you've got through that, but you've changed yourself into a better person and left drinking behind because you obviously felt like it wasn't doing anything for you in your life, and thats the right thing to do really. It seems like he's just dragging you down a little bit, and if he had any consideration, he'd try and stop the drinking as much if not at all like you have and want to spend time together, and get things normal, and make everyone like him, and prove everyone wrong. The fact you've had to leave your family behind isn't easy because you feel like you've only got him now, and he's not even acting like your partner, you're just letting him walk all over you, you wasn't invited, not that you probably wanted to be anyway, but the invite still counts, if you can't get invited to things like that, people don't accept your relationship, I personally think its time to move on, your not happy, and unless things change you'll stay unhappy, he's proved he wants it like this. Leave.
...............................
|
