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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there,My ex and I broke up due to circumstantial pressures (I had to move in with him due to other problems when we weren't at all ready and we just both clammed up in panic, then I found a place and moved out - the break up was decided by him though).Since then he has consistantly called and been flirty while I have been friendly but busy and not calling him first.I do really want him back as there is great chemistry and affection between us but I want to tread carefully. I don't want him thinking he can just have a flirty non-serious relationship with me.He is coming to my place for a party this Friday - if he makes a move on me, even though I want him, should I stop him and say we need to talk or maybe that we should go out on a proper date and then see what happens?How do I ensure his respect and desire to date me and avoid an 'in-between' 'ex-sex' sort of thing with him? Please help - any advice is really welcome
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (11 October 2005):
I think I know where you are comming from, you don't want him to just use you for sex but you don't want to scare him away by being too serious? Thats a tough one. But the hardest part is over because you seem to know what you want! Would I be right in saying that you want to get back together with him? If your answer is yes let me take you back to the time when you first hit it off with this guy! Did you start of by asking (in a freakishly serious tone) "before we have sex, are we in a commited relationship or not?" I imagine if you had done that he would have run very swiftly for the hills. So if something starts to happen between you two at the party why do you have to find out before you have sex if it is a commited relationship or not? Go with the flow is what I would say and take it nice and casual yourself, if you fancy him and want to have sex with him then do, but lay off the labeling your relationship already as it is likely to sound needy. Have a good night!
A
female
reader, AuntieChrissy +, writes (11 October 2005):
I think you should get back together with him if that is what YOU want. But you should make sure he knows how you feel about avoiding an 'in-between' 'ex-sex' sort of thing .Go on a date with him, and see how you both cope
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A
reader, Cambelina  +, writes (11 October 2005):
In my opinion, there's a certain mathematics to your situation.... The reason your relationship failed before was because it was going too fast. My suggestion would be that to recapture anything you used to have, you need to move SLOWER than slow (we're talking snail pace here). I like what you said about keeping him guessing by not initiating lots of phonecalls and being busy a lot! Why do u think he kept on calling you? Men LOVE the chase!
It sounds as though you've had a difficult time recently, and although i see why you both panicked- having to live together before you were both ready, you need to make absolutely sure that he's not the kind of guy who will be there until things start getting tough (as they invariably will) and then run away. If he is, then he isn't the kind of person that you need in your life if you're looking for something more committed and steady.
To ensure his respect, you need to do a bit of playing hard to get! It's a completely underrated activity-believe me! It works every time because men love a challenge and if you give in to him for sex or emotional purposes then he will feel like he has control over you. Put your message across clearly: You're in control and you make decisions for yourself, regardless of the pressure you're put under!
Watch out on Friday night at the party, if there's drinking, you're far more likely to give in and sleep with him! try and hold off because otherwise you won't have his respect.
Good luck
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