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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,My girlfriend and I have been having issues for a while now. We have been dating for nearly 2.5 years. Recently, I visited my family across the coutry and was away for a few weeks. I spoke to her every day during the trip to say hi and see how she was, about half way into the trip, she started getting depressed and telling me how lonely she was. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she needs me to be with her and if I really loved her, I would fly back to be with her. She has done this before and is really good at making me feel guilty for being away from her, even for only a week or so. She says my priorities need to be straightened out. But my heart tells me I did the right thing. I am very confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): do what your heart tells you to do your your own person and no one can change that the only one that can change that is you unless you let some one else change who you are thats how your partner should love you...... foe who you are listen to your heart it talks to you
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male
reader, johnathanr +, writes (13 October 2005):
First, I would like to thank you all for replying, I sincerely am grateful for such caring advice. I tried to keep my post short and really didn't go into everything that was going on, however you all amazed me by the depth of your responses. It seems like you know her so well, and I didn't even mention that much about her. You are all right, her self-esteem is terribly low, she doesn't have many friends, I am really the only friend she has and she does rely on me an awful lot.I agree with all of what each of you said. It is very helpful to hear what others think of the situation, I always find it hard to completely blame the other person without finding fault with myself also. This type of stuff has been going on so long, I began to believe what she was saying and that perhaps I was wrong. Thank you for all your insight, I will hopefully be able to resolve this with her. I just really don't want to leave her alone and unable to be happy without me if I were to leave her. What really concerns me is that the last time she did this, I was away for nearly 3 weeks. She was having a stressful time at grad school (she's 24) and told me that if I didn't fly home and help her, then that just proves that no one in her life loves her and that she has no reason to live. She said if I didn't come back, she didn't "know" what she might do to herself, but that her "friend that committed suicide might have the right idea". This of course made me furious and scared, and a whole slew of other emotions. I didn't end up going back, and she didn't hurt herself, but I now worry that she may take it further the next time.I hope to be able to resolve this without hurting her.Thanks again,John
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): A relationship is like a living being-it needs love, caring,independence of others and a lot of breathing space. You gf is wrong-she may be one of these people who tends to smother relationships. She is very needy and is thinking that a relationship, once established, will always be there and she is expecting you always to cater to her needs. One of the biggest mistake people make in relationships is they feel, that it's okay to spend as much time together as possible. They fall into that mindset of "when it's true love, you can't bear to let your partner out of your sight". They ignore their own clingy behaviors that crosses the boundaries of a healthy love and they hurt their partner to get what they want. This is very selfish and damaging. They honestly believe "it's true love, so it's ok". But it's not okay and I think you need to set some strict boundries here with your gf...so you can go places without and not feel this undeserved "guilt". Nothing complicates a relationship more than the unfinished business of an individual. Sorry to say this but she jumped into a relationship with you before she was ready. Before anyone gets into a healthy, loving relationship they need to have 3 elements: a sense of their own completeness, fulfillment of oneself and an ability to take care of herself, in the emotional sense. She just is not there yet, dear. A healthy relationship is not composed of two halves, but rather two wholes. You are a whole individual..not her other half. She needs to understand that although you love her, your family is very important and you should visit them when you want. And her making you feel bad and guilty is a form of control, on her part. Hun, if she's doing that..then this isn't a heathy love but rather an "obsessive,selfishness" on her part.
Think about this and if she still persists and depending on how much you want to help her through this, get into couple counseling with her. Perhaps she needs to hear & learn about some good healthy relationship perspectives from a trained professional. Good luck to you and take care
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (11 October 2005):
No offence but if my partner was like that then I'd slap them across the face. I think she's really ungratefull for treating you like that. Tell her "I love you and you love me but I don't control you like this so you shouldn't control me" she's the one who should sort her life out. Sorry if I sound nasty or any thing but she really needs to sort her life out if she's going to be like that.
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A
reader, Cambelina  +, writes (11 October 2005):
This woman is very emotionally dependent on you! That is a clear warning sign that you are in dangerous territory because she is placing her happiness in 'your' hands and relying on you to "exist" in a normal way. She shouldn't make you feel guilty for spending some time away from her, infact, this is a crucial element to keeping a relationship "alive" and healthy.
It seems to be that your girlfriend has low self esteem, and needs to learn to love and care for herself before entering into a relationship with someone else to compensate for those missing feelings of love and self worth that she doesn't feel for herself. It's natural that she would miss you whilst you were away, but not fair for her to claim that you don't love her for leaving her for a temporary time -especially if she's said this more than once! Don't you see the signs of low self esteem? She "instantly" jumps to the conclusion that you not being there means you dont love her.
You need to be upfront about this with her and tell her to think logically about the situation. Encourage her to spend time with her own friends and family doing things that she enjoys so that you both have a fulfilling life 'outside' of your time with eachother so that you can be happy and appreciative of the time you do have with eachother with plenty to share.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): She's very clingy and needy. She needs to be more understanding than that. You shouldn't feel guilty at all by visiting your family. If your heart tells you that you did the right thing, then you did. Don't let her beeing depressed and lonely fool you. If she fails to understand something like this, you should really leave her. She needs to grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): WOW, what's her mother like? This is such a perfect example of Female control. Telling a man to do something is not as effective as making him feel that it was his idea.
Take a step back and look at she just said. 1) Your priorities are not right (assuming because she's not first)
2) If you really loved her, you would do what ever she tells you to.
What that sounds like, is Me, Me, Me and what ever else is important to Me. You and what is important to you are Not Me, Me, Me. I'm the Queen.
Unfortunately, if she really loved you, she would realize that a relationship does not involve just her. That would constitute slavery, which is a subtle form of abuse and may intensify the longer you allow it....if it hasn't already.
If it has, now you can recognize Her Pattern. Good Luck!
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