A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi everyone, This is an update on the situation with my text cheating husband which I posted about a few times. We have recently returned from a cruise which was completely marred by 'her' and spent nearly every day arguing because I kept bringing up his texting affair. She might as well have been on the bl**dy holiday with us!! The same has happened since we got home but at the moment things are OK cos I've not mentioned her since last Saturday night when our meal out was totally ruined and again he said that it was the last straw and he was going to move out. What is bothering me most now is that although I read last July 2008 that she said she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done nothing YET, you may remember that he then got a secret pay as you go phone to keep in contact without me knowing. This continued for another 8 months until he got discovered yet again. During that time we were so in love and having a fantastic sex life that I can't believe he would still have wanted titillation off her. He swears that it was just to keep in business contact as he knew I would go mad if they were still in ANY sort of contact and would presume it was still flirting and sex talk. My question is, do you think it was genuinely just for business or do you think it was to continue flirting or worse still do you think there is a chance that actual sex took place in that 8 months since her text last year saying they'd done nothing yet? As far as I remember, there was no time he was away or out late or anything during that time and I think I was wearing him out so much (and he is 57) that I don't think he could have satisfied another red hot lover!!! He has been sooo full of remorse since I discovered the original 'affair' that I can't believe he would have risked everything again. He assures me that nothing but flirty sex texting ever occured (but then he would wouldn't he) and that it all stopped when I found out and that the secret phone was business and general chat only. Every time I think I'm 'getting over it' as much as I ever think I will be able to, fresh thoughts and theories keep coming into my head. Any advice on coping would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Hi Scrambled Brain, any update?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): "I am curious as to why you are on this site. Have you suffered anything like this??"
Hi Scrambled. sorry i took so long t oget back to you. i posted something on your most recent post today.
coming back to why i am on Dear Cupid. I typed in 'agony aunt' on google one day and this website details came up.....and the rest is as we all say history..........
no, i havn't been exposed to a cheating husband (yet) but i know so many people that have had their heart ripped to shreds. not just by marital infidelity but by stubborness, pride and also just lack of common sense. people who live their lives by what is perceived to be perfect.
scrambled, in the end it is ok to say, i am not perfect, my marriage is not perfect, my kids/home/in laws/friends are not perfect.
but in the imperfection, we create and stive for near perfection.......but if this perfections consumes us, soils us and sometimes destroy us, what do we actually have left. just falseness, perhaps even hope or mere uncontrolled obsession.
my dear scrambled, you have so much of blessings, you lead a richly blessed life. your life i so much better fromt he ones i read on this site. enjoy your blessings, enjoy and cherish your life, home, marriage. yes it is not perfect but you need to decide how much of the imperfection you can live with.
scrambled, please make peace with your lot before it destroys you.
my words are mere words, you are living your life with your husband. you are still being tormented by images, words, texts, your thoughts right now are your own worse enemy. something has to give...........you have handled this great tragedy in your life, alone, without outside assistance, please put your pride away and seek that help we have all suggested to you. it is ok to say, help me, i just cannot cope on my own..........that is the first step and the most crucial one. it doesn't mean you are weak when you do this, it means that you are strong, you are brave enough to make the bold statement. it is not a crime or a sign of weakness to ask for help.......it only becomes one when we refuse the obvious solution.
go well.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (3 September 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy dear female, anonymous reader.
If you are the same lady as before I thank you so much for your concern.
HE is always a darling towards me (apart from the attacks which I instigate).
That's the basis of the problem. He is so loving towards me I can't believe he is lying!!
If he was a bas**rd I could maybe consider splitting up.
I am curious as to why you are on this site. Have you suffered anything like this??
I would so appreciate chatting to you more as you have so much empathy with my problems x
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (3 September 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy dear female, anonymous reader.
If you are the same lady as before I thank you so much for your concern.
HE is always a darling towards me (apart from the attacks which I instigate).
That's the basis of the problem. He is so loving towards me I can't believe he is lying!!
If he was a bas**rd I could maybe consider splitting up.
I am curious as to why you are on this site. Have you suffered anything like this??
I would so appreciate chatting to you more as you have so much empathy with my problems x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Scrambled, are things any better today. how is HE towards you.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (2 September 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all from the bottom of my heart, especially my old friends who have followed and tried to help!!
You must feel very frustrated that I don't seem to heed your advice. I DO but, I suppose, in my own way.
You give me the strength to analyse and rationalise my behaviour even though I haven't sought professional help, you give me that other perspective.
I am an extreme 'black and white' person which causes me a lot of problems....everything has to be 'perfect' or it might as well be scrapped. I blame it on being a Capricorn.
I can tell from the tone of many of your replies that you think I'm obsessive (which is probably true) and can't tolerate anything not perfect (which is also true).
That's why it's so difficult coming to terms with my relationship being anything other than 'perfect'.
I HATE being this type of person!!
I hope you will continue to support me and want to say how much it helps. Your replies and caring often brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Let's keep something in mind here. As SB put it months ago:
"Yes, you are right, the reason all this started because I was being very unloving due to the menopause (as you'll know if you read my origainal posts) and he never stopped showing me affection and letting me know how he loved and fancied me but I didn't respond."
and
"If you've been following my previous posts you'll know this was all triggered by my lack of interest in him due to the menopause and she happened to be in the right place at the right time due to the work stuff. He is not a serial weasel. Also one of her texts said she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done nothing yet so I am pretty sure there was no sex involved at that point although the texting on the secret phone carried on for several months after I read that."
The previous question was posted anonymously, so Tisha did not find it to link to and I can't find it right now either. The situation was that he tried for a long time, a couple of years I think, to give her love and affection and she didn't respond. That is when he started this emotional, but not sexual, affair with this younger women. It was a flirtation affair. He needed someone to talk to and to understand him. He needed some feeling of love. He got none at home. What is so wrong with a man or women getting some emotional needs met by someone else? If I did not give my wife any affection or love for a couple of years and she tried to show me love and affection and got nothing back then I would not be surprised if she found some other man to bond with emotionally. Of course, it is always best to work things out and find the cause and solution to a problem like this, but many people don't know how to do that or one of the people has no interest in doing it.
A friend of ours had a lack of affection in her marriage and she said that she had a flirtation with someone, but nothing sexual. I never saw anything wrong in that. Sure, it is not the ideal solution, but when one of the partners keeps getting a brick wall instead of a response, they will find some source for that. We all need some feeling of love to be shown by our partners and when we don't get that we will find it elsewhere. At least he didn't have a sexual affair. I am guessing that the other woman had something missing from her marriage and that he also filled her emotional need for some of that.
SB, you need to get over this. You say that he is remorseful and wants to move on, but you will not allow it to happen. You have admitted in this question and the others that you keep bringing up this flirtation, even while you are supposed to be having a good time on vacation and out to dinner. Then there was the instance of you mimicked what she said to him in a text when you thought he was asleep. That is doing nothing to solve this problem. You are driving him away from you. If you cannot get over this and also refuse to seek counseling then just file for divorce. That will be better for the both of you than what both of you are going through now. This problem has not progressed one bit in these months and I don't see it getting better unless both of you seek counseling together, so it is either that or split up. You will both be happier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Hi there, hun. What your husband did to you was crappy and I am so sorry. But it seems you are taking this angry pain/anxiety and continuing to live in constant fear. Fear of what? Of losing him? The other Aunts are right in asking you...why are you obssessing over this so much? Let go of this anxiety because look what it's doing to you. When I hear of a good wife like yourself, who allows her husband's past/present bad behaviors control her so much like this, I think she could be experiencing a anxiety disorder of some type. So let's think about this rationally.
Theoretically, if he leaves you..will it be a major life ending deal for you? No, I do believe it would. But I can tell you, you'd be hurt, likely sad for awhile, but it's not the end of you, is it? You will find the strength to get through this. Believe me, millions of us humans, globally, get over breakups, infidelities, lousy spouses, messy divorces and other crappy things in our lives..we heal, we recover, we become happy people again and we simply move on.
You simply need to make a decision here. Do you get a divorce or do you seek marriage counseling with him, to fix this? It's up to you and him. But you can't continue living with a husband you don't trust nor uphold. But stop with this constant over thinking here. It'll drive you batty. If he's a cad for doing this to you and you can't get past..then accept that you may have to end this relationship. If you care too much to do that, then you both need to get into marriage counseling. Primarily with the focus being on trust building, respect for one's spouse and dealing with the aftermath of his emotional cheating, online. You have some work ahead of you. Talk to him and ask if he wants to 'save' this marriage. If he doesn't then accept that but please don't ruin your mental health over this. It's simply not worth that worry and stress load you carry. Good luck, dear...be strong, love yourself and please...this is the time you need to put yourself ahead of all else. Get back on track and start the process of moving ahead with or without him. Keep us posted on your progress...but please be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): I think if you had the guts to leave this guy he will do one of two things - beg to get you back or go off with Miss Text. If you allowed him back he might be good for a while and then he'll be back cheating on you because he got away with it. If he stayed thereafter with Miss Text then you have your answer - he was a cheat and a liar and didn't care. I am not sure what more we can say other than he treats you like dirt and you keep letting him. I do wonder how much more you will take - but unless your self worth improves I think you will carry on justifying his behaviour, clinging to the good times and when its bad, asking for advice to get you through it - playing the whole saga out like some kind of warped Soap Opera. You are constantly caught up in wondering about him, worrying what he's doing and comparing yourself to his bit on the side. All this energy in him, him, him - for months on end. You must be exhausted. Ultimately there are a lot of men out there who would not make your life this difficult. The question for you is.... are you ready to find one?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 September 2009):
 Scrambled brain, hi again. You are clearly have a great deal of trouble with this situation.
You continue your pattern of thought without being able to break it. You don't trust your husband (I don't blame you) and everything you do with him is colored by what you've discovered.
The point I'm trying to make is that you are right where you were when you started posting here. You haven't made any forward progress and you seem to be spinning your wheels.
We can't help you, obviously, as nothing has changed for you. You can't help you, it's pretty clear. He can't help you, again, fairly clear.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. (I think it was Albert Einstein who said something like that.)
When are you going to recognize that you need professional help? Unless you are deriving some sort of morbid satisfaction from punishing him and yourself from the same thought pattern, you need to call in an expert. Seems plain to me.
I do wish you well, and I hope you set off on a positive, healing journey toward a peaceful resolution to this internal and marital conflict.
Take care.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-wondering-if-my-husband-is-sincere-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-pathetic-or-is-it-normal-to.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-stupid-for-letting-a-few-more.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/who-has-more-to-deal-with-the-cheater.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-set-up-a-bogus-mail-account.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/id-like-to-exorcise-his-indiscretion-from-my.html
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (2 September 2009):
 This is the unfortunate part of the affair. You are still living in the past. He is trying to move forward with you.
Its not easy for either one of you.
This is also the same thing that happens to couples that lose a child.
If you're going to get over this, you need to finally put it in the past NOW. Not tomorrow, not later.
Without question he has done things that have breached your trust and caused you pain and humiliation. And I am hoping that he has done all he can to apologize for this unfortunate thing that happened.
Just remember though that it takes two people to break up a marriage regardless of who cheated first. Philandery or just flirting, is caused by a rocky relationship, usually. Now there are men and women out there who can't help but cheat; and there are those who do it out of necessity, rather than to harm their marital partner.
Then there are those who are driven to it.
In this case, you are bringing up the past over and over again. Sooner or later he will get tired and leave for good.
If you want to trust him, then maybe he needs to change a few behaviors. First, if you're on vacation together, then all electronic media gets turned off. Its you, him, the cruise, the sun and the fun.
The same should apply at night after work and on the weekends.
If you want your marriage to succeed then both of you have to work on recapturing the positive things that attracted you to each other. Focusing on the negative is dis-harmonious and will break you apart as a couple.
As I said, if you start hating him for something in the distant past, then he will eventually resent you right back.
Replace the negative feelings with positive emotions. Look at him as you saw him when you first fell in love; ask him to look at you the same way. Bring back happy memories and relive them if possible.
Get back into each other and leave the third party in your marriage outside of it. The other woman is gone and its up to you and your husband to rebuild your life together.
As I said, it takes two people to break up a marriage. If you want to keep yours together, then it takes both of you to work on it together. You have a significant emotional stake in this, I suggest you should not squander it. The rewards are too great.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 September 2009):
 You are obsessing over this. I think because he broke your trust and slammed your self-esteem to the ground you just can't help doing this to yourself. It's time for some professional help. You need to get past this or one of two things could happen: 1. You drive him crazy by your bringing up the past and thus drive him away from you. OR 2. He decides that since you are accusing him anyway he may as well go ahead and have an affair. Either way you get hurt. I'd make an appointment and speak to a qualified therapist.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (2 September 2009):
It sounds like you have spent over a year trying to put this affair behind you and to learn how to trust your husband again, yet all you have managed to do is drive yourself to distraction with worries and theories.
In the meantime, your husband is getting completely fed up with the distrust and arguments - if the original affair didn't destroy your marriage, there is a good chance at the moment that the aftermath will!
You are both acting quite normally and understandably under the circumstances. However, unless both of you can find a way to resolve the issues his behaviour has caused, you may as well both give up now and separate. The fact that you are both there still trying to work things out suggests that isn't the outcome either of you wish though.
Therefore perhaps the time has come to decide that on your own you are going to continue to struggle to put this behind you? My suggestion is that you seek counselling as a couple with an organisation such as Relate. That way you can directly address all the concerns and worries that you both have and hopefully begin to bring this situation to an end.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): hi scrambled, its me agin.
same advise as before. do your financial homework. you are paying fro his affair and he will leave you (sorry, just being honest).
i am generally suspicious by nature. i believe a lot more happened bet him and this woman. that second phone, if you read all the stories her, means that he was deliberately deceitful to you.
i advised you before to involve her husband in all this, but you have chosen to ignore this advise. maybe you are scared, fearful as to what your hb will do to you. by you involving the other womans husband two is definately better than one. the other woman got away destroying your marriage. why are you protecting her from this mess.
as for your hb - he thought he covered his tracks 100% didn't he.
i will suggest counselling FOR YOU, yes you do not want to go but something has to give. you are killing yourself worrying about his betrayal. you need to make peace with whatever has happened. you already know your hb is a professional liar, what can you expect from him.
i know you are feeling ashamed and want to pretend to friends and family that all is well. i think you are bluffing yourself. this pretense has to stop. you need to confide in someone, you need emotional support from friends and family. so what if your life is not perfect. show me whose is.
my darling girl, it is ok not to be perfect, to want support and to want love. please stop the pretense and get help. AND WORK ON THE FINANCES, PLEASE.
Good luck, scrambled.
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