A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I was on here before about my boyfriend being over protective of his email and Blackberry. He viciously protects his office and the vicinity and wants me nowhere close.This is an update.He found that question here on DC, plus your answers, printed it all out, and confronted me with it, screaming about how I am so wrong and don't trust him. He called me a fucking bitch that fucks up everything because of my trust issues. I went to sleep and woke up and made him breakfast and tried to forget his attack. He was "nice" for a couple days and said things to make me believe it's all in my head that he doesn't want me to know about his secret and professional life. Friday I had an appointment next to his office and emailed him and said, "I have an appointment by your office and can get together at one o'clock". He called immediately very angry at me and said he is too busy. I told him sorry and he hung up. Then he called right back and called me crazy, controlling, jealous and psycho and I should never say I will come to his office without an invitation from him. I said I'm sorry and he hung up. Then I texted him and said I can't do this any more and it's over. He texted I am spying on him and crazy. I said I just know I asked my man to lunch and he was an asshole, that's all I know, and we are over and there is no chance. Well you know the story, he spent the day pursuing me and I ignored him. As always, we got back together the next day.I am broken, I don't ask questions, I have learned to just say, "yes" and "thank you" and be grateful for his financial support. I am beginning to accept he has a secret and double life and I must stay silent in order to survive financially and emotionally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): i always say that we know our partners best and you certainly know him and yes i think he is hiding something.
good for you that you are taking your power back from him. good for you that you are now standing your ground. he is playing you and shortly he will know that you are done with his joke and that your life is not a joke.
yes, he has hurt you but you gave him that power over you. now slowly you can heal and you can learn to be more independant.
just becareful now that you are giving as good as you got from him he doesn't call you childish and insecure. he will try to beat you at this "game" but you have strength during this difficult time.
you will only win your battle over him when you finally walk away from him and are you really prepared for this. you need to make that decision. SOON
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): I am the original poster of this question. I want to thank you for your responses. I think this is one of the most diverse set of replies I've seen on this site. The responses ranged from empathy all the way to hard edged intolerance. I appreciate all the views. I wish I provided more background information because I can see it would have reduced guesswork, but didn't want to deter readers.
It seems to me we're all correct: his money is worth losing to regain my happiness, he is abusive, he is hiding something, I am wallowing, and I need to walk. I disagree with the post that I am partly to blame for his treatment, as I strongly know that all things done and said are 100% an individual's fault. All things I do say and think are 100% my fault, period. I believe that of everyone. He and I work for the same company in locations 35 miles apart, (two different jobs) in an industry which is 99% who you know; our workplace is a talking and networking environment requiring constant socializing, else we'd not make money. Every guy in his position in these offices always have their partners hanging out with them, and many end up bringing their spouses in as partners as well. So this nixes the idea it is an Eagle-Has-Landed super secret workspace, and supports my puzzlement as to why he vehemently blocks everyone from knowing of my existence.
I think I am letting go of caring about is treatment and am moving forward to keeping my job simple with him. I've decided to go ahead and have zero interest in his other life and be grateful for his provisions.
This is not to be confused with being a doormat. A doormat would not do what I did last night, for example. He asked me why I was outside on my Blackberry and I said, "Don't ask me questions you forbid me to ask." And he mumbled something in agreement like 'you got that right' and just changed the subject. There are other examples I could share to demonstrate I'm not taking his one-way street anymore. One is when he called me three times yesterday while I was in a meeting then asked why I didn't answer. (He crucifies me if I ask that) and I said what he says, "Don't be so insecure and controlling. I'll answer when I need to." He laughed. At least in the last day it seems I'm pushing back.
Amongst these survival tactics I'm gaining momentum to walk -
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I think that he's so angry because he feels guilty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): When a man calls you a fucking bitch ..it hurts. It does not matter how upset he is...that's so disrespectful.My husband, did the same-called me names and stupid and "shut the fuck up" you name it....fucking bitch..I've been called it all. I would just ignore it and yelled at him back, After awhile-it tugs at you and it starts to really hurt....After the name calling comes the hitting.......get away as far as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I have been married to my husband for 4 years. I have never been inside his work place, nor have I attempted to breach the front doors unless invited. Professionalism is sometimes enforced by empolyers as being absolutely no place for socializing. Maybe thats the case at his work. I am REALLY protective of my E-mail, not because I'm hiding anything. But because I think it's very important to have somethings be private like my merchanisms for communicating outside of the home. If my friend sends me an email about something confidential, I can think of a lot of reasons why I wouldn't want him to know about it. What you may not be disclosing is how you may have behavioral tendencies that might put him on the defensive. He may cling to certain elements of privacy because he feels you are too invasive about some other aspects of his life. You might consider asking yourself why you harbour these suspicions. Why do you Initiate questioning, without being determined to actually reach a truth or at least some explaination? Perhaps it's a bit of a game. If you were sure about your concerns, you would hold him to some kind of ultimatum around it. I think there is some legitamacy in his requests for you to avoid coming to his work, and the protection of his email. I also think that you might need to establish what a lot of women fear getting out in the open. "Does my being your "girlfriend" mean exclusivity? Or do you think that until marriage, you are still on the playing field?" I think it's best to reach a bottom line here for what you need. If what you want is an explaination, get one. If you just want to not be called a "fucking bitch" (I think that's a standard for any self respecting woman) then maybe you should consider that vicious name calling and spying on YOUR internet activity is more of a concern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Thanks for your answers. I've been living in a home where I daily hear insults and rage. I used to be the kind that would never care if someone were unkind, because I would just dispose of them. I own this house and my 10 year old needs it. I used to have net worth. He took control of the finances and became a quick success. I used to always beg him to just leave, just leave, go. He always said he will never leave. I should have filed an eviction. Then he would verbally attack me and put me down all day until about 10 or 11 pm when he was drunk and he nightly apologizes about being an asshole and says he loves me, then wakes up and goes through the rage again. I used to judge women who stayed in abusive/alcoholic relationships and think, "Wow they are such self-pitiful lame creatures. They should just get out!" and I used to think that these women were especially selfish for allowing their own children to stay in it. And now, as in other things I've judged people for, it's turned on me.
After years of his verbal and emotional abuse, it appears I'm gathering enough courage to admit I was wrong to allow his control, and allow myself to believe his insults. I'm actually angry at myself for allowing it all. Thanks to those whom acknowledged what I've shared.
I agree I am seeking pity, and I accept it is a temporary "rehab" or intervention to fix this. There something to be said about acknowledgment, but I certainly don't want to fixate on it. It is becoming clearer my first step is to change the perception of who I am. I guess I didn't see I look on myself as a pathetic victim. Gotta fix that.
I suppose I would like to speak with women who stayed with abusers and how they got out, and how they sucked up their losses. I have a lot of forgiving of myself for what I did wrong in this.
Thanks again -
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A
male
reader, CommonSpencer +, writes (12 May 2009):
For him to even insult you like that he must have some kind of respect issue. He is definitely hiding something from you, but it is not necessarily an affair. He seems to be controlling also if you says he has found you post.. He has the right to track your activities, but he believes you do not have that right. Maybe he is ashamed of what he is doing and can't handle the consequences of his actions. You do not deserve to be treated like this by anyone. If it is at all possible for you two to get a little bit of counseling you might be able to work through this and come up with some kind of compromise to make this marriage work better for the both of you. I have seen many articles on people that have kept their marriages, but decided it was better to have an open marriage(relationship), which takes away the jealousy(make time allotments for the time you spend together) , but by him keeping secrets there is a communication break down. He might be a great guy(maybe he goes golfing or fishing and says he's at work to get rid of some office stress? or maybe he is having an affair and he's ashamed of himself and desperate to protect you from being hurt), but people do what they feel and only honesty can give closure and comfort that a significant other needs. I hope you both read this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2009):
 Amen, Emily's Answers.. She said what I thought...
- this isn't love.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (12 May 2009):
 Well, glad to hear you are happy with this.......er, wait, are you? Confusing. Guess some ladies prefer the "challenge" type. Whatever floats your boat... I'll stick with water;)
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 I got an account here just to answer this question.
Why do YOU think he is being so secretive? Work it out for yourself.
If he has a great job, is good at it, respected by his workmates etc, then he would be proud to let you into his work life.
If he is lying to you about some aspect of his life, then he will not.
My opinion - he is LYING to you about something important.
It probably isn't a woman, but some part of his job. He might be the tea-boy, and not the Finance Director.
What an imbecile.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 May 2009):
Well if you have decided to be a pathetic door mat than that is your choice.
When he starts smacking you about just try saying thankyou as well as sorry... that always helps things.
Good Luck with that.
Or you could stop acting like a pathetic victim and wallowing in your own self pity and walk away like a grown woman rather than sulking like a little girl.
It's 2009 for fucks sake. You do not need him. Move out into a smaller place or a flat share if you have to. Don't ask for pity when you are not willing to help yourself.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): So what's the question? Appears you are going to stay with him and keep your mouth shut even though you don't trust him.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (12 May 2009):
You don't have to "accept" anything that you don't want to. It seems you are dependent on him in more ways than one. Ultimately the decision to stay is yours, but believe me when I tell you that you are sacraficing much more by staying with someone who verbally abuses you and makes you feel poorly about yourself than you'd ever have to sacrafice by doing without his finanical support.
If he strips you of everything you are, what good is financial security? How much are you willing to lose? You can take care of yourself. You were created to be a strong and independent person. Love is designed to enhance our lives, not destroy them. Some money in your pocket surely can't be worth your self image and happiness??
Again, your decision.
Best of Luck,
Bella
xoxo
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