A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for almost 20 years now. We have had a sexless marriage for most of that time. We were arguing about it even just 1 year into the relationship. It's not that we never, ever have sex, but we go years in-between having it and when we do it is awful. We cannot talk about it without fighting. My wife says she wishes things were different, but there is a lot of wishing and very little trying. She says she knows why she stopped having sex with me, but she won't tell me. She says she doesn't feel now like she did then, anyway, so it is moot. She says she just feels strange making love to me now and it is not a turn on. I am very hurt. I harbor incredible resentment and, occasionally, rage. This is a woman I love so incredibly deeply and yet I feel like she has stolen an important aspect of my life from me. I enjoy her company, but I cannot live like this.We talked about this and she said she would try harder to be intimate. We booked a 3 day trip to the mountains at a beautiful cabin near a lake without Internet, TV, or other distractions. We spent the days hiking and exploring. I felt that even if we didn't have sex on the trip we could at least open up to each other absent other distractions. Instead, we were not intimate at all (no touching at all except for me rubbing her feet one night after a long hike) and I felt so incredibly alone. The first night she and I stayed up late after a formal dinner out. We talked about the day's events. I didn't bring up any issues not wanting to spoil the moment. In bed, I put my arm around her and she said she was hot. I just let her be, not wanting to force anything. The second night, I went to bed before her. I was exhausted from hiking and climbed into bed and waited for her. She fell asleep reading on the couch. The last night she spent reading and then went to bed before I did. In the morning she made breakfast and noticed I was staring off into space (wondering to myself where everything went to horribly wrong). She asked what was wrong and I told her "You don't want to know." to which her response was "Great."We have this habit where we don't want to address the subject, because it results in very big fights about something and nothing and everything. Instead, we keep the peace and yet we have this unfulfilling marriage. I am a pessimistic person by nature, but one reason I have stayed with my wife is that I have always been optimistic about our relationship. However, that optimism is just about gone now. My wife says she is still optimistic, but I feel she must be crazy. How can anything change when she won't talk and when I do talk it results in an argument? I feel so broken. I feel like I have suffered a terrible fate. I know it can be worse. My best friend's wife aborted his baby the year they got married and then moved out never to talk to him again, filing divorce papers before dying in a car crash. I have to imagine the pain he went through makes my suffering seem trivial. However, I envy that it is all over for him and that he can begin healing. He is now (some years later) dating a wonderful new woman and putting his life together. For me, I feel like I can never heal because this wound, though small in comparison, just festers chronically. I am really thinking of leaving my wife simply over this sex issue. I have told her this. She is upset by it at the moment, but the next day she acts as if nothing has happened. Sometimes there are small changes on her part (example: staying in bed to cuddle in the morning instead of springing right out the moment her eyes open) but it's very little and it never lasts. Or, she might go on sprees of sending me cards and little gifts letting me know she loves me. However, her cards just say "I love you". I need her to tell me what is bothering her! I need her to work with me! I told her I feel like I am rowing this boat alone! I told her how rejected I am and she said: "I suffer a thousand small rejections every day." I asked her for examples and the only ones she can give me were from 13-18 years ago. I told her to stop making us both suffer because of what happened 14 years ago and she says she doesn't want that, but doesn't know how to proceed. I told her: "Start by making love" and she laughed and said "Maybe" but nothing happens.She said she will see a therapist (or that we should both go, which I am open to), but that was 3 months ago now and she hasn't even researched any. I started to e-mail her missives about how I felt about her, about the relationship, and so on. She said that she can't write like I do and that she doesn't like me e-mailing her that stuff. She said hand-written letters are okay. I wrote her and wrote her and wrote her and I usually received one sentence replies. When I did receive a long reply it was often confused, contradictory, and introduced more questions than it answered. Tonight she sensed I was upset and wanted to talk so she went to bed early without saying good night.I cannot handle this. Her parents divorced over this issue. Her dad would get very depressed and not tell her mom why. Her mom would wonder if it was something she did or what was wrong. He never talked except for occasional outbursts of violence. She eventually told him to hit the road, although to this day she talks about how much she loved him. My wife admits that she doesn't know how to communicate. I told her we would end up like her parents if she doesn't try. We are together so long only because I am far more patient than her mother was. However, I am just about done. I am thinking she will be better off with a man she finds that sexual spark with and I can go find a good woman to give me the life I want. However, it kills me inside to think of her driving in a car with another man, having dinner with another man, making love to another man. I think part of me stays with her to be vindictive and make sure she never enjoys those things, to make her life as miserable as mine is, to make her pay for the hell she put me through, and to spite her. I don't want us to have that life with other people. I want us to have that life together. I am so distraught.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (30 July 2011):
 First, I would NEVER want a long term marriage to end but in YOUR specific case, you need to move on. Why? because your wife REFUSES to get help and address the issue. You DO NOT have to suffer any longer, and you have done your best. It truly sounds like she has some deep seated issues with intimacy, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT! Monday morning, search for a new place, pack up EVERYTHING that is yours, DO NOT LEAVE any memories/momentos behind for her to deal with and go. She needs professional help and you tried in your most caring, compassionate way. There are so many wonderful women out there in the same stage of life as you. Go get her! Release yourself from this prison, you committed no crime. Just open the door and leave. There is no warden. I would suggest if the therapist ask you to participate in a few sessions to please attend. You deserve answers, BUT never, ever, go back and try to handle things on your own. You are free. Based on my life experience it sounds like she was possibly sexually assaulted in some way, and did not get help. She could have even been harrassed on the job. She could have had an affair and the guy dumped her. Or childhood abuse. Remember, it could even be menopause. If she's not willing to explore the basics, live your life. You sound like a great person. Stop beating yourself up over it. Leave this week. It will be uncomfortable at first, after about 6 weeks of no contact at all, you'll see, you won't "break".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): Guys , not to take anything away from the OPs situation, i just want to point out this:
It is not only MEN who have sexless marriges But WOMEN as well. No matter wgat they do/try, their hbs just do not get it or choose to have indifference to their partners needs. Many married women as well, are being starved of intimacy, love and affection.
It is sad but it is a reality.
Personally i will never be able to accept a partnership without sex.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I have at least three very good friends that are in your exact same position. I also am in a sexless maraige. I also see no hope but stick around for convience sake. At this point I'm beginning to think all women become sexless and hatefull after a point. sorry, I'm no constructibve help...I'm going to find a way out soon though it's rediculous to have no intamacy in a long-term marraiage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): You've been together this long, so it's salvageable.
Tell her you're at the end of your rope about it, and find a good strategic way to ask her if she's willing to let you pay for a hand job occasionally. Perhaps that will take off all the edge you need to stay together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): If your wife wont open upto you and tell you why she is put off sex then i cant see how this marraige can go on. She is the problem and if she is not willing to confide in you then there isnt a lot else you can do.If you do decide on divorce then i would say stick to this decision. If she promises to change then i would be wary in case it's just going to be a ruse to get you to change your mind and then she will carry on with her old ways soon as the dust settles and you dont mention divorce again.Yeh sex isnt everything but it is a vital part of a truly loving relationship along with sharing your hopes and dreams, hugs, kisses and above all honesty and respect with one another.These are all things you dont receive and what you deserve. Get out into the world because it isnt to late to make another life for yourself which will be fulfilling. This isnt to much to ask for and something you deserve hunny x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): "She says she knows why she stopped having sex with me, but she won't tell me."
So, call a therapist, a female one would be best, and get an appointment, tell your wife that you are going, with her would be best, but without her if she won't come.
She either has to talk, or the marriage is dead intimacy wise. Currently she is withholding vital information in the relationship. Is this fair? No. Is she a bad person? No. However, she has severe intimacy issues.
"I am thinking she will be better off with a man she finds that sexual spark with and I can go find a good woman to give me the life I want."
Well, you might be able to do that, but she isn't. In fact, she might go on to have a lot of sexual partners after a divorce, but she won't get intimacy, and it will only be random mindless fucking until she gets therapy an learns what real intimacy means. As some therapists say "had a lot of sex and never learned what love and intimacy was".
Get professional help. If she won't play, then you are doomed to a lack of intimacy in the relationship, and will have to make a decision for yourself.
Really, a divorce might be necessary to shock her into dealing with her issues, but some people live to a hundred years, raise families, and never have it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011):
OP here:
I have NO IDEA what happened 14 years ago or 19 years ago or whenever it was that put her off of sex. I did not cheat on her and there is no especially dramatic event that I can recall. I am thinking maybe the dramatic event happened to her. Did she cheat on me? Did someone tell her some sort of lie about me? I really don't know and she won't say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): All the answers from the aunts have been great, but could you please clarify what happened in your relatationship 14 years ago that makes your wife hold on tight to her belief that every day she suffers small rejections?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Your post really spoke to me. You are right where I was about 5 years ago. The majority of my 18 yr marriage was sexless.
For my ex in the early years, sex was about two things.
1-Tension release for him
2-Procreation.
I realized later on that he had HUGE issues with sex in general, mostly related to his religious beliefs that he thought sex was dirty and sinful.
There were a few times he would seem to break out of his self-imposed prision and actually let go and enjoy himself becoming the affectionate person I always dreamed of. Within 24 hours, he would pull back, go into a circle of guilt, anger and blaming. (Saying I tempted him to be lustful, etc.)
Then we went to a level where there were unlimited excuses, reasons and rules for sex. Before 10pm, not if he just ate, not if I had not shaved, more than 5 days past my period, only if the sheets were washed and only if I knew (!) I could climax in less than 15 mins total from first kiss to ahhhhh!. The rules got more complex and I realized he was actually discouraging me.
So then I stopped trying to meet the demands. I stopped trying. I felt ugly, horribly lonely and deeply rejected on every level.
When you mentioned the vacation with no affection/emotional intimacy-I actually choked up. There are memories that still hurt when my ex did that to me.
Then he would not even kiss me or hold my hand. I hit a depression, pulled away from friends and family, gained weight, etc.
He would hold THAT against me too. "You keep doing that and Im never even going to THINK about sex again with you."
He would make statements that I gave up too easily on him. He started talking to others than I no longer initiate or wanted sex and HE was "without". I caught him having that conversation with an old gf.
It was at that point, I realized I was with a narcisist who had issues with intimacy. I went to counseling by myself.
Then he wanted to know what i was talking about with my therapist. So, I invited him for some couples counseling.
He tried to charm his way thru the session and came up with so many fantastical lies to cover up his own misdeeds.
BUT, to him they were not lies. He lived in a delusion of what a "healthy" marriage was supposed to look like. Out came the truth that HIS parents had two kids and then slept in seperate beds in the same room (just like the 1950's!).
I told him what I expected and it was clear there was NO WAY he was going to particpate in a MUTUAL sexual relationship with me anymore.
I made the hardest decision of my life and realized, I may not ever have the kind of relationship/marriage I wanted with anyone, but I certainly would never have it with him. I had a GREATER chance of being in a functional relationship WITHOUT him in my life. I knew I had to get out so I could get to the healing process and get on with my life.
If I were you, I would do two things.
1.Counseling for yourself so you can organize all your thoughts and feelings and develop a plan to move forward.
2.Have a sit down with the wife, preferably in a counseling session with a therapist to guide you if needed, to let your wife know you have reached the end of your rope and you can not live in an affectionless, sexless, LOVELESS marriage. It is not the words that are missing, it is the action. You NEED that for your well being, and her witholding from you is actually abusive. You have been MORE than patient.
Ask yourself-How much more do you need to hurt? How bad does it HAVE to get until you decide you have had enough?
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (19 July 2011):
My take on this - you and your wife married very young. At the time you were both still developing as individuals, and you both lacked the experience to know what you needed in a relationship and in a partner.
For example, you mentioned that you argued only 1 year into the relationship about the lack of sex. An older, more experienced person would have hit the eject button at that point. Instead of doing that, you forged on and for 20 years now have tried to "make it work".
I'm afraid you and your wife have vastly different sex drives. I unfortunately just don't see therapy solving that. Perhaps she would open up and have a fulfilling sexual life with another man... but if it hasn't happened in 20 years with you, after all of the steps you've taken, then I have no reason to believe it will happen now. She just doesn't want to have sex with you, and likely she doesn't need sex to live a happy life. You, on the other hand, do need a sexual component to the relationship to be happy.
Don't feel guilty... you've tried your best. You are still a young man, about my age. I was married, too, and while that ended for other reasons I was equally as unhappy as you are. There's plenty of time to get your life on the right track and find a partner that you are compatible with - on all levels, emotionally as well as sexually. As hard as it might be, my advice is to level with your wife. Tell her that you've tried everything but have no choice but to move on. The way I'd describe your marriage right now is you and your wife are roommates. If you want a lover you'll have to look elsewhere.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): when i read this i felt intense sorrow for you. yes, intense sorrow indeed!
you have received excellent advice. your story is a wake up call for any hn/wife not meeting both emotional and sexual needs.
i find that it is somewhat "abnormal" for a non existent sexlife with spouse.
you have spoekent o her so many times. perhaps she thinks that u will never leave her. i know u love her but her non commital to making this work, is plain rude and abuse. Abuse of your good nature!
go to counselling alone. for yourself. to repair the damage done through the years.
i do not normally suggest throwing in the towel, but to lose so many valuable years, is a crime.
if u want show her these responses. perhaps it is the wake up she needs. i am hoping it is not too late - for her.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Sorry to be this blunt, but there has to be one reason why you stayed there for twenty years. The marriage is non-existent, the relationship is just bad, but you stay there. This, you're not sharing, and we don't need you to. If you want to leave, leave, because there's been plenty of reasons for many years. If you want to stay, stay. Just make the decision.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 The others have given you great advice. I have nothing to add but suggestions as to why she is the way she is.
One is she suffered from sexual abuse and hasn't dealt with it.
The other is that she is a closeted lesbian and cannot connect sexually with you for that reason.
I'm just floating those out there for you to consider.
Either way, it leaves you stuck in a marriage with no intimacy. If it were me, I'd probably be ending the marriage as gently and calmly as I could.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (19 July 2011):
Don't bother to even try any longer- this business of 'I know why I'm not sleeping with you but I'm not gonna tell you' is beyond childish. You've given it your very best shot (20 years!!!)- let her go refrigerate some other poor b*st*rd's bed, because if she does find someone else, don't worry- that's exactly what she'll be doing as soon as the 'honeymoon period' ends. This sort of thing doesn't change.
You're in the prime of life now- for a man, late 30s/early 40s is that blessed time in his existance when the brain and the gonads are finally equally powerful and working in tandem for once- and this happy state doesn't last for long! Now is definitely the time. Be brave, make the break, spread your wings and find someone with whom you can share every aspect of yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): I might be wrong but it sounds to me that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Withholding information. Withholding sex. Withholding compassion. Withholding affection. All these things constitute abuse. A card here or a quick cuddle there and you hang on for another year or so. You are eagerly awaiting the next 'bone', while she tolerates you, uses your companionship and your love and enjoys being idolized. Fear of anger from her, further rejection or loss, means you are actually too frightened to demand answers or back up an ultimatum.
You told her, she didn't want to know. And those words hold the truth. She DOESN'T want to know. About you or your needs. It is emotional abuse. And that is why you stay. It is not because you love her or because you want her to suffer. It is not because you would be jealous of a new partner. It is because you do not have the confidence or the self esteem to see yourself worthy of anything more than what you have. That is what emotional abuse does to people.
There will be a defining moment, whether tomorrow or next year. When it happens, you will finally see the light and leave. Until then you will cling to any small hopes that she throws your way. I doubt you will insist on counselling if she doesn't organize it because that would mean confronting her. And she has trained you to be non confrontational. You just eat up your insides instead.
If your marriage is a boat, trust me, you are not the one rowing. Your wife is and you are the hapless passenger because this marriage bobs along in any direction the wife cares to steer it.
It would serve more purpose if you went to counselling alone and worked on YOU for now. With the right help, you will be able to see things for what they are and gain the skills you need to either insist on sharing the oars with her or leave. All the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 The thing is, counselling works only if people want it to work and are committed to make it work. Which I don't think is your wife's case.
This disfunctional situation apparently has some sort of advantage for her. It sounds like for reasons of hers she likes to be married ( status ? security ? companionship ? showing the world she is "better" than her mom ? could be anything ) - she just does not like to be married with you and she does not want to do with you what a wife does. She does not "feel" you , emotionally or sexually- she just wants to hang on to the status quo. And you allow her.
I think she may be missing too all those things that have gone from your marriage ( passion, intimacy, complicity ) She may be wanting all those things too- but NOT from you. The spark, the chemistry, the interest have gone long time ago, if they were ever there for real to begin with.
So why she should sweat it to get back.. something that she basically does not want. It would be like working your butt off .. to save money and buy a car that you don't even like.
Sorry if I sound cruel, but 20 years it's a long time and in a way it's pointless now to find out WHY she has disconnected from you. It's not like , if you both could pinpoint exactly WHY she disconnected - she'd want to reconnect. At least, that's not the impression I get .
Don't play up your victim role in this , though. People only treat us as we let them treat us, and can only "make " us suffer as much as we allow them.
If you have accepted a sexless, emotionless marriage for 20 years, you got some inconscious, paradoxycal adavantage from that too. Maybe you are an insecure and remaining tied to your marriage was the way you made sure you did not have to go out there, challenge yourself, risk rejection , put yourself back into the game. Maybe at some level you don't feel you deserve to get the relationship you want and you have to " make do ". Who knows-I am not a shrink. But you can bet your last dime that you got something out of that too, because of the peculiar way you handled the situation. The regular way would have been to drag her kicking and screeming to marriage therapy many years ago. Or , to have sat her down and told her : OK, we do not leave this room until we don't find out what's wrong between us- without being ( or pretending to be ) afraid of a few over the top displays of emotions, or angry outbursts. Or,more simply, to have dumped her and moved on after few years of failed attempts. Every patience has a limit , and nobody likes banging his head against a brick wall. But you, apparently. If you ask yourself WHY , exactly, you may come up with surprising findings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): Dear OP
Get out now. PLEASE. Do not bother with the therapy. Your wife has, to all intents and purposes already left the marriage and no amount of talking will fix this. She is not prepared to discuss things fully, with you, her husband, the one person she absolutely should feel able to discuss anything with. You are supposed to be there for each other, help each other and be strong for each other. I'm afraid it is rare for people who refuse to discuss this particular subject - when it has been this long, at any rate, if it was more recent, then possibly - with a partner to feel able to discuss it with a stranger.
You have shown incredible love and strength in sticking with it this long, but marriage cannot survive without intimacy and that doesn't necessarily mean sex but also mental intimacy, sharing things together. She will do neither with you.
I stuck the same situation for 5 years and decided to get out. It was causing me untold suffering and depression and a near total breakdown. I have been single now for over a year and while I am now ready to meet someone else and have got rid of the baggage, I am not in a totally happy place. I am, however, although it has taken this long, aware and know I did the right thing for me. I may not be happy and I feel dreadfully lonely at times, but I am happier than I was with my partner.
We only have one life. Please, don't waste any more time. You've done more than enough. It's time to get out, heal and then start afresh and find someone who deserves the love you have shown and will reciprocate. That's what marriage is supposed to be about, not roommates.
Good luck,
PDS
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A
female
reader, Star xxx +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Wow what a situation to be in, I think it will be very difficult for any aunt on this site however good they are to give you the answers you are looking for.
I get the feeling that maybe something really serious might have happened on your wifes part many years ago, that is now stopping this part of your marriage.
You say she has agreed to counselling but done nothing about it, so you take the lead and book an appointment if thats the only way to get her there.
I realise you may feel that it is not for you to do everything but it may be the only way forward as you seemed to have tried everything else.
If this does not work and you feel this is a really big part of your marriage then maybe you will have to come to terms with the fact you are no longer compatible anymore.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 You need relationship counselling or to leave, simple as that. Stop waiting for her to find a therapist - find one yourself, today, and then book the appointment and simply tell her when it is and where she needs to be. Dont give her the choice.
And if she refuses - well you are going to have to walk away. If she is incapable of communicating and wont even try, then she will never have a successful relationship and will be a very lonely woman. But you cant stick around in the vain hope that she might have an awakening one day and suddenly communicate with you, it is awful to say but if she doesnt want to try to communicate with you then she doesnt care about making the relationship work - and if she doesnt care, you absolutely have to walk away.
Give it one last shot with the counselling - if she wont come to the appointment then leave. You have put up with this for 20 years, you have done all you can, so dont feel guilty for leaving. You have shown incredible strength and love by staying around for 20 years without sex - move on and be happy, there are plenty of women out there who can make you happy and dont have the issues that your wife has. She will never be happy and will never have a good relationship unless she can sort herself out, she will keep on repeating the same cycle as she has experience with you.
But give therapy a try - hopefully she will agree to go along and you might just get somewhere if a therapist can get to the bottom of her problems.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Hi,
I feel your pain and frustration... You have all the right to feel this way. You seem like a very resonable man, very caring, understanding and most importantly, are aware of the problems and is willing to work on this relationship and marriage.
I see that you tried many ways to communicate with your wife and express your feelings to her. Must be frustrating... I see you are very open about everything that is bothering you. Probably feels like chasing a ghost.. Also, it has been many years and no wonder you feel defeated... The pain, agony, frustration, anger, everything is stuck in your chest. No human being can live and have a normal healthy life living this way? I am surprise that you stayed w/your wife this long? Shows you truly love her and that you are very patience man.
You tried talking to her, sending emails, letters, vacations, therapy? I wish I could give you a straight answer to help you, but unfortunately I don't... Between couples, the only way to fix the issues is to communicate openly...but, I see your wife refuse? Which makes me very confused? I am sure she loves you, otherwise she wouldn't be with you this long? But, I wonder what's stopping her to be honest with you and what's stopping her to live a fulfill life?
Sex is not just sex...in a relationship.. Its making love, sharing affection, bonding...its not everything, but its an important part, and everybody need love, affection. Everybody need to feel touch, care, feel wanted, etc..so, I understand you, if it was just sex? You can go out just have random sex everyday, right? You miss the affection and need to feel love and touch...
My only suggestion is give your wife a break for a few days. I guess pushing the issue its not helping, so let her be for a few days. You continue your life, try to keep busy, act normal, like nothing is bothering you..(LOL). Smile, breath, be calm, eat healthy, try to go to the gym, be positive around your wife and maybe she'll come along and try to talk to you.
Maybe the pressure is stressing her out, also you seem a little desperate (by the way u have the right to), but maybe this is pushing her away. Give a few days to settle and try again to talk to her. Tell her that sex is not the problem, but that you miss being intimate with her, miss her touching you, that you don't feel loved anymore...
Please, understand that you have all the rights to feel this way and that you are not doing anything wrong. You are a good man and I don't want you to feel that something is wrong with you. I don't know what happened 14 years ago? Betrayal? Cheating? Each individual handles situations in different ways, maybe your wife is not over what happened?
Anyways, hope that you and your wife can together solve all your problems and be happy and live a healthy
Best wishes, good luck!
Hope this help
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