A
female
age
36-40,
*shley187
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He goes to counseling once a week, is on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. When we first met he was soo soo sweet (I really thought I got super lucky) but now we are living together in a house that he just bought and his temper just keeps getting worse. Pretty much anything can set him off. If my dogs get water on the floor he complains. If there's a spot on the mirror in the bathroom.. he complains.. he even stood me up for my work christmas party because his wrinkles in his shirt wouldnt come out (because he said I left his clothes in the dryer too long)..hm. On top of this.. it is like pulling teeth for a conversation. I can talk and talk and I look at him like.. "well what do you think".. usually no reply and if there is a reply its one or two words. When we were fighting one time he told me I annoy him so I asked nicely "What do I do to annoy you?" he replied "sometimes you dont even have to do anything, you just annoy me period" .. I am going to start going to counseling with him and I told him if he can't reach a happy medium in his life.. eventually i'm going to have to leave so one day I can have a healthier relationship. everytime I tell him I'm done, he starts crying and begging for me to stay (pretty much the only time I see any emotions coming from him). I have gone to the counselor once so far and she asked what our biggest complaints are about eachother. I told her his temper is horrible and he's emotionally unavailable.. he told her "When I met her i thought she was cleaner and worked our more" hahaha I am verrry very clean and by far am not large (not that it matters) but.. its like he doesnt even have any real complaints. Sorry to ramble, just need to get it all out there. What do you think I should do? How do you make things work with someone who is so miserable/unemotional and ungrateful for all that he has?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 You need to know if this depression is a one time thing, or is he chronically depressed. Some people are still finding themselves, and go through that dark night of the soul, that rite of passage of adulthood. Having possibly autism may affect his self esteem. Although there are challenges living as autistic, they do show many positive qualities that NTs (neurotypical people) don't, such as loyalty, creativity and a non-linear way of thinking for some. At least you know you won't be bored by him. Find out his relationship to his parents. Didn't they 'warn' you about him? I am sure they want a normal life for him too, but living with a normal person doesn't really make him normal. What you can do is help him develop confidence. When a person is happy, nothing is really a disability. You are not to deal with him, but to accept him and love him the way he is. To better understand him you not only need to read books, you also have to feel his emotions.
Maybe he's like Jack Nicholson and you are like Helen Hunt in As good as it gets. I hope your's is a happy ending too.
A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (10 February 2011):
ashley187 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I appreciate all of your advice and will take them all into consideration while I'm sorting this all out. I don't know that I can do this for my whole life. My biggest fear is that I want children and I'm not sure that he will ever be able to function normally enough for this. Only time will tell but I did look up Autism and I definitely agree that he shows a lot of the symtoms of it. When I go to his counselor next week I'm going to bring that up and see what she thinks about it. It's hard to walk away because he loves me (even though he is usually horrible at showing it) and I feel like.. If I leave.. I'm probably his only shot at a normal life. Before me he tried to kill himself twice. His counselor has told his family and myself that if that's really what he wants to do.. there isn't any stopping him. If I would have known all of this before we started dating.. I never would have put myself through it. But now I feel like I need to at least give him a shot at being better, a fair chance because everyone deserves that. If it doesn't..I know what my outcome will be.. and that is alone. I don't want to compltely change him because I know that's impossible.. I just want to see him function half way normally and live a decent life. Within the next year I will have my answer. I will keep you guys updated about counseling next week and what she thinks about the autism. I feel so bad for people with these mental disabilites. I never really understood them until I met him. It's so sad. I feel bad for anyone who has to experience/live with someone with these kinds of problems. I am pretty positive and will keep my head high. I know that I am not the problem and I refuse to let him break me. (I am a nurse, and while I was in school I read about these things.. never though I'd actually live it.) I wil update you.. and thank you for your thoughts. It's so nice to hear fresh ideas on this. I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Sure be supportive, kind etc, but the question is...can you live with this for the rest of your life??
Because people with depression, anxiety, OCD (the cleanliness) don't just get over these things and become different people. We're talking about a life time of ups and downs. Is this what you are ready and signed up for - medications, counseling, mood swings, anger, anxiety, bouts of depression? Its not a stable life, let me tell you. It will affect your happiness (as it already is) and the stability you feel in your personal life.
Finally, can you handle being in a relationship where you can't converse with the other person? You know, sit across on a table and laugh, giggle, chat, stare into each others eyes and discuss mutually interesting topics? You're suppose to have a best friend in your partner, someone you just LOVE talking to and vice-versa. Whats the point of being with someone you can't even get along with and talk to?
You need to look after yourself and think long-term. Personality and mental health are very difficult things to change in a person - even with medications and counseling. As yourself, can I live with this for the rest of my life?
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A
female
reader, TexasTexas +, writes (10 February 2011):
It sounds like your boyfriend may have high-level autism, or be on the spectrum in some manner.
Rarely shows emotion unless it benenfits him to do so, extrememly picky and blames you for his own obsessive reasons, not aware of how painful it is to you, etc.
I suspect he didn't want to go to the Christmas party and would've created ANY diversion to avoid it.
You need to seek counselling. Please research autism online; I have personal experience. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 February 2011):
He was sweet before because he needed someone to love him. Now he got what he wanted he's no longer attracted to you. Not your fault at all. It's just that he needs someone to love him so that he won't feel lonely. His nit-picking is reflective of his inner world. Love has the ability to alter brain chemistry so at the beginning he had enough dopamine and endorphins to feel positive, now these subsided he sees you as a different person. Also remember he is on medication so he's not quite himself. Not everybody has that problem but before he gets better, you have to be patient that a healthy relationship won't begin until he comes to his senses, and develops empathy for you. It's important that you tell him you are hurt. A depression does not give him the authority to be a mean boss to you. Right now he needs your support but only as a friend/roommate, until he learns you to show you respect, and know that you have feelings too. Besides this living together is about learning about each other. You talk to each other as equal. No one is perfect. He is not to use any words like, "annoying" or complain. If he has a problem he should suggest a better way to do things. That may be too much to expect from a person suffering from depression.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Clearly HE is the one with problems, rather than you.
I think for right now you should go to joint counseling with him, and perhaps schedule a few sessions for yourself only. See how it goes. If in time he shows signs of making an earnest effort to overcome his issues, and is successful, perhaps your relationship will get better.
If not, after consulting with yourself, plus one on one sessions with the counselor, you may have to decide not to continue.......I wish you well!
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