A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am an average looking/height guy, though I make a good salary. I have been married about ten years. My wife is a beauty -- very attractive/sexy. She gets a lot of attention almost everywhere we go, even if she's only wearing sweats and a t-shirt. Thing is, that prior to getting married, she always dated the football star or stud. I know she loves me, but our sex life has only been ok (... or should I say great for me, and only ok for her.) She gets hit on all the time, even sometimes when I am with her. She has slept with a couple of guys during our 10 years together, usually on her business trips, but she confesses and says it only sex, and that she's sorry. However, she never really feels that "itch" or passion for sex with me. We tried counseling, and she ended up sleeping with the counselor. She has a very European attitude towards sex and marriage. I don't. Not sure how to deal with this?? I need to see the situation through someone else's eyes, I think. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I am not sure what you mean by a 'European' attitude, but she has cheated. Where does the 'open marriage' in the title come from? Is it an open marriage? If so, whose idea was that?
I know exactly how you feel. It doesnt matter that you say you are average, I am sure you are a fine looking young man. Dont put yourself down. I was the football star, so this type of thing does not discriminate.
Many years ago in London when I was young and fit, I used to date and ended up living with a model. It was a nightmare. Her photo for one particular project was on the tube (underground) station walls, and the trains. Commuters stared. My family, my friends, work colleagues, football team mates would all stare at her, flirt, whisper to her, squeeze her ass, and I never felt comfortable outside of my own flat. I would get phone calls, and then the other person would hang up. She would often profess her undying love, then fly off for two weeks on a photo shoot, or stay for a weekend in some exotic location with her agency and the photographers. Fashion shows, champagne, cocktails, parties.
She never once said she cheated, but gut insticnt told me she did.
If we went out for a meal, and some man, ANY man did not do a double take or stare, she would go crazy thinking her hair or make-up was not right, or her lipstick was smudged.
She loved the attention, and it became a drug.
After I ended things, (she stopped me chasing my own dreams) she became what she seemed to be destined for, sleeping with all my friends, some family, the football team, and anyone who asked!
Your wife has freely admitted to cheating twice, which probably means she has cheated far more than that. There is no happy ending I'm afraid. The men will keep hitting on her, she will choose which ones to sleep with. Her looks are her only currency, and when those begin to fade, she will spiral into all sorts of trouble, unless she has a skill or trade to fall back on. As for the counsellor ... he needs to take his own advice.
You might consider waiting and being there for her when she finally needs you or you could cut your losses now, and find real happiness. I cut my losses, and it was the best decision of my life.
Whatever you decide, put yourself first now.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I agree with Spiderweb, she sounds like a cheating tart. There's no country in the world- not Europe, not anywhere- where people appreciate getting cheated on!! And I hope that you got your money back from the marriage counselor she slept with. He's unprofessional and could get into serious trouble if reported to the proper authorities. Does she realize how much this hurts you?
You say that you have a good salary... I hate to say this but maybe she's taking advantage of that?
I think Pazush has a good point... if you were to cheat on her I bet she would be pissed.
She needs to realize how much this hurts you, go to see a decent counselor, and see what happens. But whatever you do, don't put up with this... you deserve to be loved and respected.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (21 August 2010):
You should try embracing the open marriage. Best thing that ever happened to me was when I stopped being jealous and started enjoying the idea of sharing women. Even if I don't always put the idea into practice, at least I know I am free of feelings of jealousy, which always made me want to tear my hair out.
First effect is maybe you can get some on the side and feel good about yourself sexually.
Second effect is maybe she starts to love you more because a) she is free to do her thing instead of feeling guilty, and b) she sees you as a sexual being independent of her and becomes re-attracted to you.
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A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 You sound like a nice guy - she sounds like a cheating tart. Also sounds like your self-esteems is in tatters, which is unsurprising since she seems to sleep around without giving you much back. So she doesn't feel that itch with you huh? Just with other men including the counseller? And this is because of her "European attitude towards sex and marriage"? Funny that, because Europeans,just like us, tend to get hurt and even divorced when their spouses are found to be cheating on them. If you're will to put up with this current bad situation, well and good. If not, tell her that unless she stops her cheating behaviour, you're out of there. There are literally thousands of great women out there who will value you, your average height and looks and your loyal character, even if they're not as hot as your present, disloyal, cheating spouse. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (21 August 2010):
 So what you mean is that, youre wife is a cheat? A flirt? She sleeps with other men behind your back, says its only sex, you forgive her and then she does it again?
You say she gets hit on in front of you; what does she do? does she say, "sorry, im with my husband" or, "excuse me but im married".. or does she enjoy the attention? Does she flirt back? Obviously you cannot help what goes through some mens' minds. When a man sees a stunning woman he is probably going to have a good look, and perhaps try to chat her up if he thinks she's alone. This is just how the world works, we all know that.. but it depends on how she goes about it. If she enjoys that feeling of being fancied by other men then perhaps the excitement of being married but straying is more important to her than the marriage itself?
I know it isnt nice to hear but this definitely isnt right. She should not be accepting that kind of attention from other men, especially in front of you! Perhaps her attitude IS slightly lax towards the marriage situation, and the fact that you are supposed to be devoted to that one person in everyway. And if that's how she feels, then fine, everyone to their own and all that. However, if this is the case then she should be single, or with someone who also views things the same way.. not with someone who gets hurt when she acts that way. Judging of course that you havent cheated too, it isnt fair on you. 10 years she has been married to you, yet she cannot stay faithful?
So you say that maybe she just feels unsatisfied in the sex department. Ok, so you go to councilling, and she sleeps with the counsiller?! She obviously doesnt want to try that much or she would have put in more effort to make that work.
By the sounds of it, you have fallen in love with a bad girl. She obviously doesnt have the same morals and views as you, and although she may be your wife, she is making you second guess yourself and feel unhappy. You should be with someone who appreciates you and loves you. Someone who isnt going to sleep around on a business trip, or treat your marriage like it's a bit of security rather than an actual relationship.
She may genuinely love you, and just find it hard to change. But that's tough. You can only give someone so many chances until you have to put yourself first, not them and their feelings.
Obviously it isnt as easy as just leaving, and the fact that you are married maybe means that you should stick together and work through things. That's understandable. However, people like that don't change. If you couldnt get through to them the first time, or even the second, then what makes you think she will ever be any different?
Honestly, in my opinion, unless you want to carry on feeling this way, i say its time to move out and move on. Hard as it may be, it seems from what you've said that the only way you can be happy is to be without this woman. She is not good for you.
I hope it all turns out for the best, and that this has helped. Stay strong.
- AAJ
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Have you told her how you feel about sex? Although honestly, in my honest opinion, I don't think that would change anything.
I'd actually divorce her. Look I know you've been together for 10 years but this is obviously bothering you and if left unchanged it'll only escalate into larger arguments and then end in divorce anyway. Sex is an important part of a marriage and your wife doesn't seem to respect that. When I give other people answers to their questions on this website, I always try my best to see the other person's side of it so I can give a definite and unbiased answer but this is just disrespectful!
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): It's easier for you to change than her. And yes you can change the circumstance so that she desires you more. The change must be both dramatic yet natural. Think of it as evolving. Gradually and genuinely become more athletic. You'll find something that challenges you. Don't be cold during this process. Be warm to her. At the same time you are going to focus on getting what you want and that is desire. You may surprise yourself that when become more athletic, the desire will come from other woman. Tables turned :). Have fun but don't be spiteful. I have see sawed between being a weaker, sensitive man, to one that is muscular, friendly and a bit dominant. You realize that you can control and change yourself physically and that it coincides with many sexual, mental, sociological, and physiological changes. Find what works for you. At your age I'm predicting muscular development will aid testerone production and give you an edge. Have fun
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A
male
reader, Pazush  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Hi,
you think she might lose her european atitude if it will come to you? ie. if you had sex with anyone else?
one more thing is women reach their sexual peak at age 40-50 such as men does in their 19th.
this is an issue you must discuss first in your mind without encorporate Jealousy, that has no relation to 'only sex'.
if you can consider sex as just sex there are solutions such as swingers for making it more easy. assuming you might like to experiace others too.
if you dont like to, and dont like her doing it at all, she must realize that this is controversial and unable to exist as long as you live together.
i wont say things such as marrige are for couples only or its a cheat, because its not correct. your situation might allow you to live your life more intresting, but intresting here is also controversial.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): If she was really sorry she wouldn`t have don it 10 other times, but you are either a really good man for forgiving her all thouse times or really stupid. Try asking her what she wants when having sex, maybe she has something she wants while having sex that you don`t know about, ask, but hounestly she really shouldn`t be sleeping around with outher people.
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