A
female
age
,
*ola333
writes:I need advice. My 24 year old stepdaughter moved in with us. She quit a perfectly good job and came home. She doesn't clean up, she doesn't pay rent, she generally acts like she is still a child instead of the grown woman she is. My problem and question revolves around her and her fathers physical behavior with each other. My husband is always touching her and rubbing on her. Once they napped on the couch together and he was holding her leg while she had her arms wrapped around him. She sits on his lap. He kisses her goodbye first in the morning before me. He told me once that all fathers find their daughters attractive but they turn it off. I know some of this stuff is normal but she is 24 and not a child. I am not sure why it bothers me so much but it does. Am I wrong to be bothered? Is this normal behavior? I find some of it pretty weird.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I'm sorry that it has come to this but I think you may be right about having to leave.
A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (31 August 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who wrote. I feel very supported. Now I have to decide what I can do. He won't go for couples counseling. He is affectionate with me but only in private. Sometimes when there are others around he acts like I don't exist.
I am looking to find work so I can make the hard decisions that I have to make. It does not look like she is moving out ny time soon. I might have to
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2012):
How is he with you? Is he as affectionate? Does he cuddle with you?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Thank you for the follow up
The facts seem to be pointing in a sad direction.
She is 24 and prefers the company (physically) ofher father. Your husband does not seem to see the inappropriateness of it.
She has no need of a boyfriend while she can have her father hold her leg against him while she wraps her arms around him as they lay on the couch. She is 24 and sits on him on the couch? Not sits beside him. She sits on him. If she had close girl friends I think they would find it gross to see a 24 year old do that. So I am going to guess that she also lacks close girlfriends as well?
"Abella, she has not had a boyfriend in the 4 years I have known her. She says she likes men but I have not even seen her go out on a date."
Sadly I think her main relationship is with Daddy. If your partner is divorced it would be interesting to see what caused the break up. If he is a widower then did the child become too close to her father at that time? The father should have stopped it. He has not.
And of the detail you did provide in your questions:
"My husband is always touching her and rubbing on her. Once they napped on the couch together and he was holding her leg while she had her arms wrapped around him. She sits on his lap. He kisses her goodbye first in the morning before me "
This does not represent normal behaviour between a father and his daughter.
And I agree it is "too Close for ... comfort"
You can see it.
Your husband does not want to see it.
And the girl is the victim in this, despite her age. As how can you tell how long this has gone on for?
As I said at the beginning this is a sad situation.
One that you may not be able to resolve.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 August 2012):
After reading your follow-up I have to say that this may indeed cross the line. Too bad your elaboration was deleted by a mod, because now we still don't know what this "graphic detail" is. Could you try to give us the cliff notes version so we know what we're dealing with (without a mod deleting it)? In any case I'm guessing it's not good. It also puts his earlier comment about being attracted to his daughter in a different light.
Honestly, if he really treats his daughter like a gf instead of his child, there's something wrong. In this case I also apologize for making assumptions. Definitely click the links Abella posted; some useful info there.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (30 August 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, she has not had a boyfriend in the 4 years I have known her. She says she likes men but I have not even seen her go out on a date.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Yeah something is NOT right with the relationship.
it's fine to say I love you (we do that every week on the phone) and hug hello and good by... and maybe a touch now and again but their physical relationship sounds over the top
AND his comment about men finding their daughters attractive is too creepy for me....
as a daughter
as a parent
as a sexually open woman
the relationship he has with his child makes my skin crawl for some reason... for me to find it inappropriate screams to me that it's really over the top as I'm pretty accepting of most things sexual.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 August 2012):
There is close and there is just not right.
You are completely justified in being concerned about the inappropriate contact between your step daughter and your husband.
I would also be concerned about this man whenever he is around any children.
The level of physical contact you have seen between your husband and your step daughter goes far beyond that of just a reassuring father. And his attitudes are disturbing.
I am not going to blame the step daughter if this is all she has ever known. She is likely to be a problem for you but I am not going to judge her. Since I think due to what she has known that she would lack insight in this situation.
But I will say that the father - his actions and his attitudes - are quite disturbing.
And your step daughter is now attempting to undermine your relationship with your husband. And your husband allows it. Because it suits your husband. You are a threat to your step daughter and she is making that clear by her actions.
Yes it does sound as if she is infantile in her behaviour.
This is posibly learned behaviour, in that this tolerance of close physical contact has been allowed and tolerated and even encouraged all her life, by her father.
She is not to blame.
Her father is the one who should have stopped this years ago, and made it clear that boundaries are normal.
You cannot try to stop this relationship by yourself – the step daughter is in love with her father and does not realise the physical contact has over stepped the mark.
The father is not going to willingly stop the contact as he is getting satisfaction from it continuing, even thought it is not acceptable.
The father is the one who should be confronted, but not by you. That would just waste your time, as he will only continue to justify what he does as OK. He needs to talk to a professional therapist, as he has some unacceptable and weird ideas on what is ‘normal.’
Once again I doubt he would agree to that unless it was mandated by a higher authority.
I wonder if your step daughter has been able to sustain a successful relationship with a boyfriend? I very much doubt it. Since she treats your husband as her boyfriend and your husband allows it. In fact actively encourages it.
What your husband tolerates and does not discourage is very disturbing indeed.
I feel sadness for this girl and contempt for your husband. Because something is definitely not right
Some of these links may be of use to you.
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
http://suite101.com/article/child-sexual-abuse-victims-a201203
http://www.rainn.org/protect-your-children
http://www.helpandhealing.org/PreventionProtectingKids.htm
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 August 2012):
This may be strange in a culture where physical intimacy has become somewhat of a taboo. That's the thing in America; compared to some other countries people here have a lot of freedom when it comes to love and relationships, yet men are afraid to hug each other because they don't want to be called "gay" and physical intimacy unless it is between a gf/bf of around the same (18+) age is quickly branded as being weird and perverse. People here are so obsessed about how they're perceived.
If you visit countries where people don't have the free rights that we do, you'll see men snuggling against each other in long bus rides, people kissing each other as a greeting, etc. without any judgment or fear of being judged. There's not the mass hysteria and paranoia of maybe-there's-something- unhealthy-going-on. It's as if the western world people are rigged to jump on anything that just has the hint of being out of place.
I don't originally come from the US and when I first came here that was the first thing I noticed. I know I'm painting in broad strokes, as not everyone in the US is as I described, but it is a recurring theme I noticed.
I'm physical with my friends and family. That's how I was raised. I was taught there's nothing wrong with a hug, a peck on the cheek, snuggling against each other or sharing a bed. There are no ulterior motives or unsavory thoughts behind it. It's just appreciating company in a non lustful and non romantic way. I have since learned to reign myself in a bit as not everyone is as openminded as I am.
This quote: "He told me once that all fathers find their daughters attractive but they turn it off." could easily be taken the wrong way. Every (good) parent finds their child to be beautiful and attractive, but in a I'm-proud-to-be-a-parent way rather than some sick, twisted incest way. Yes there are many sick, twisted people on this earth. With the population increase it's logical the amount of twisted people increase as well. Every production line has a fault margin ;-) But why treat the remaining 95% procent as if they belong in that 5%?
If your husband and his daughter are like me, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. If he starts slapping her butt or paying extra attention to her boobs and private parts, I'd say you have reason to worry, but I highly doubt that's the case.
If it really bothers you, talk to your husband and explain to him that you were raised to suspect that kind of intimacy and that you'd appreciate if they'd tone it down a bit.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (30 August 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it is great you were so lose with your dad. I too am close with my dad but he doesn't rub on my back while I sit on his lap. I haven't sat on his lap since I was a kid. If I slept near him as an adult it was because we were all in a hotel and needed to share and we didn't hold each others body parts while we did it. I am not talking about saying I love you. Saying I love you and hugging are normal exchanges between a parent and a child. Even the fact they kiss on the lips and she calls him Daddy is not what bothers me. What bothers me is the intimate way he treats her, like a girlfriendThanks to everyone here for answering. This is my first time here and I really appreciate it. MODNOTE: some graphic detail regarding the father and physical contact with his Step-daughter deleted to allow this followup to be considered for posting)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Here's another side of the story for you. I'm 23, female and have been close to my dad my entire life. I too have had people suggest there was something perverse or not right between us. They are talking out their arse, for the record. My dad brought me up to believe giving someone a hug, sleeping beside them or showing physical affection is the most natural thing in the world. I'd frequently share a bed with my father, even as a grown woman. I'd tell him I loved him, and never once thought it was odd. Yes women came into my dad life (he was divorced) and yes, some of them did find it weird how my dad and I were to eachother. But let me tell u something, my dad - I could tell him anything. And I mean anything. There was no fear or awkwardness and when the sh*t did hit the fan in my life I had a stable relationship with my father for support. He got me back on track. That wonderful man, my dad, is no longer with us. He died recently. I regret nothing about our relationship as we expressed a healthy natural love to eachother. I look back and know my dad knew I loved him right up until the end. He never felt distant from his daughter. It was a father daughter relationship, just a very close one. Be careful what you judge to be wrong. Not everyone sees physical intimacy the same way. There was nothing pererse between my dad and I, and it didn't half annoy me when people suggested there was. What's so wrong in a cuddle?!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): I raised my step daughter since she was 2. She is 15 now and I am smitten with her.
But not like that.
No way, no how.
If she wants a hug she comes up and initiates a friendly embrace.
Nothing more.
If she doesn't want a hug, hugs are not forth coming.
I know how I think but no one else does.
I am there for what ever affection she chooses to display.
And I am reserved if she is reserved.
Being an opposite sex step parent is a tight rope (especially father-step daughter) to be walked and you can never be unguarded.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (29 August 2012):
 It is gross. You are not wrong to be bothered. And it is weird. I'm 24 myself and an attractive girl. My dad tells me so. He has never felt me up though... Or kissed me. Or done anything creepy like this. It bothers me that he makes the statement all dads feel this way but they need to turn it off. So gross. This is the first time in my life I felt lucky to have my dad. I'm not sure what you can do about this though. I assume you can't put your foot down and force her to get a job and leave? I couldn't be around such creepiness.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (29 August 2012):
Lola333 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, she lived at home with him unti she was 18 and moved away for college.
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female
reader, ineedyou  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Yeah, definitely weird. I've never ever kissed my dad- and I know that's kind of weird too, but he's always been a very emotionally detached man. But I've never seen any of my girl-friends get that intimate with their fathers. Dads find their daughters attractive, sure... but non in such a touchy-feely/boyfriendly way!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 August 2012):
I think it's weird too. I'm a daughter and after about 14 I did not want to be close to my dad... even now at 52 when I hug and kiss him I make sure it's cheeks and "friendly" hugs not anything remotely intimate.
I feel weird if daddy kisses me on the lips... and to sit on his lap... not done since I was about 10....
As a mother of sons, I can tell you that i know my younger son is attractive but i have no need to turn it off.
did she live with her mom and not her dad growing up?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2012):
Personally I think it's pretty weird too but I can't for the life of me figure out what you can do about it. If they have always carried on this way then all I have to offer you is the sincere hope that she will move out soon or maybe that she will find a boyfriend who she can lavish all her affection on. Good luck to you Sista.
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