A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for 1 year.I moved in with him 2 weeks into our relationship. We have known each other since we were 13 through mutual friends but didn’t start our relationship until we were in our 20’s.The start of our relationship was bittersweet, while I loved living with my boyfriend, things turned messy when his best friend moved in with us.His best friend is a drug addict, and had drug parties every night at our house (I have used marijuana to help me with pain as I have a degenerative bone disease but I am against drugs like speed and meth) . Property was destroyed by the shady people he invited to the house, mess was left every day from the drinking and drugging the night before and at one point my boyfriend’s best friend let 5 of his friends have sex with one girl in his bedroom while he went out. I heard everything and was very distressed at having to listen to the noise coming from the next room.During the time living with my boyfriend and his best friend I believe that my boyfriend could have done more to protect me from these people and situations. My boyfriend also lost his job as an apprentice at this stage and crashed our car (he was unlicensed at the time, he was very lucky no police were involved).Soon enough we moved in with his mother to get away from the drugs and the criminals that frequented our address (My boyfriend’s best friend had started to sell meth in the house at this stage). I refused to have anything to do with my boyfriend’s friends after we moved, but he continued his friendship with his best friend (who I despise).My boyfriend found another job as a removalist ( I am a tutor and studying education at university) and took a LONG time (6 months) to go back and finish his apprenticeship. Even though he only had a weeks worth of work to do.Even though he has finished his apprenticeship now, he still hasn’t called his old employer to ask for his job back (he has been saying he will do it tomorrow for 2 months). He also has recently got his license (which I had to pay $300 for). The car is still not fixed and we are going through financial trouble because the job as a removalist is casual. He only gets paid if he works, so that means I have to spend a lot of my hard earned cash to support us both.The house we are living in is due to be demolished in April so we have to find another place to live ASAP. Also due to my boyfriends inconsistent work I have been unable to save or to pay off any of my debts.I am getting nervous about moving out with him as there is no way we could afford to live together if he doesn’t find a full time job within the next 2 weeks.There are also issues with his habits around the house.He is dirty. Last week he realised that he hadn’t showered or brushed his teeth in a week!Our room is so messy it’s hard to walk around without tripping on something (which is very dangerous for me due to my bone condition).He is also still hanging out with his old druggie group of friends who he will invite over when im out for the night. I feel uncomfortable with them in our house and have told my boyfriend not to let them in our bedroom as it is part my room with my valuable possessions (my passport, a VERY expensive computer, jewellery etc...). If something ever goes missing and I know his friends have been there, who do you think I will blame?Despite all this, the thought of leaving is very distressing. My boyfriend is my best friend in the whole world, we have been through so much together and can’t help feeling like I’m waiting for him to change into the person I know he can be. At the same time, I can’t risk my security, finances, education and living arrangements for a guy who hasn’t really proved to me that he can look after himself. Our social life together is also very limited, I am a very busy person during the week (I work 5 days a week tutoring 3 students, one with Autism and study 1 day a week at university). Due to my hectic schedule I don’t have many friends I am close with, and there is no way I will hang out with his friends. So we only socialise by ourselves and I feel this is very unhealthy. He also never suggests outings together, it is usually me asking him if we can go out. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum for him to change his behaviour, but am struggling to see a future together unless he does. Can anyone give me some advice??
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 he is your bestfriend but his bestfriend is the drug dealer.
did i sum it up for you?
if not...
in the end stay friends. honestly i dont see how him being your boyfriend can have a positive outlook on you.
he wont change. why? in order to change, u need to truly desire it. does he ? NO.
u seem like a very good person with tons of patience. hes been taking advantage of that.
break up with him. you are very emotionally dependent on him so i suggest NO CONTACT FOR 3 MONTHS. trust me, it will do both of you good.
you say you dont have a satisfying social life. in these 3 months, this has to change.
IF AND ONLY IF he changes during these 3 months of no contact, re-consider giving him another chance.
don't be emotional about this.
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (31 January 2012):
 You need to tell him that you dont like these things that you mentioned. Tell him that if he doesn't start pulling his weight, you wont be able to stand living with him.
Yeah, it's an ultimatum, but at least you're giving him a chance to change, versus just "hey, I'm leaving your life forever, bye". or just putting up with it for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 You are fooling yourself that there is anything good in this relationship - the 'good' is only in your head, not in reality.
You want him to be something he is not, therefore you are in a relationship with a vision in your own head, you are ignoring reality in the 'hope' that he will become what you want him to be. Whereas he has quite clearly shown you what sort of person he is, and that he is not going to change.
You say he is your best friend - that is not a reason to stay with someone. Just because you are friends doesnt mean you should be together, that in essence is another reason why you should leave - you dont feel much more for him than friends!
Not once in this post do you mention that you love him, nor do you ever say you are happy - overall you are unhappy living with an unsuitable boyfriend but you are putting off leaving him because you hope he can change.
You cannot change someone, you either love them the way they are and accept all of that person, flaws and all. Or if he is not a suitable partner for you and he is not someone you can have a future with, well you have to leave and find someone who is more suitable.
There is no future for this relationship, an ultimatum wouldnt make any difference at all. Call it a day and move on, and next time find a man who you can have a future with rather than someone who is entirely unsuitable for you. Dont fall for the 'idea' of what someone might be oneday, only fall for the person they are right at that moment and will remain that way for the foreseeable future.
And learn a very big lesson - NEVER move in with someone so early into a relationship, you simply dont know their true colours so early on. And NEVER allow any friends to live with you and a partner, it only causes drama.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 How this can be considered 'too good to leave' is beyond me. And moving in together after two weeks of dating is far too soon.You may have a similar sense of humour or enjoy the same films, or whatever your common ground is, but that doesn't make him your best friend. You may be his, but he definitely isn't yours. I would suggest that you're relying on him for companionship because your schedule is too hectic for you to make other friends, but most people would rather be alone than be with him, given what he has to offer. And what he has to offer is worse than nothing. He actually costs you far more than money.You're staying with him in hopes that he will one day change into the person you think he can be, but that isn't even a 'maybe'. It's a highly unlikely'.Don't bother giving him any ultimatums. They're useless anyway. You summed it up yourself when you said 'I can’t risk my security, finances, education and living arrangements for a guy who hasn’t really proved to me that he can look after himself.'THAT is reason enough to call it quits, cut your losses and move on.
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