A
female
age
51-59,
*am0111
writes:I have a situation with my boyfriend that is really bothering me. This may sound strange and/or stupid at first but read on.... We’ve been together for 1-1/2 years. He seems to have this strange habit of texting a couple of his female friends random text that are more like juvenile, sarcastic jabs (he’s 39 yrs old- not 19). I’ve never met these women and he never hangs out with or sees in person (they do not live near by). From what I understand they way he met one of them was they slept together at one time and remained friends after(mainly because he wasn’t that into them). There’s a couple of female friends he has on his Facebook that he makes random comments on there pages... comments that, again are stupid jabs that have nothing to do with anything. He doesn’t really do that with his male friends, just his female. The problem I’m having is not that he has female friends that he seems to enjoy picking on. The problem is he seems to take the time to text them and make comments on their FB page, but NOT his girlfriend. I mean these are people that he never sees or really cares to talk to at all on the phone (besides the texts). When we first started dating I had to add unlimited text messaging on my phone because he would text me every morning without fail “good morning beautiful” and throughout the day. Now I’m lucky if he text me at all or responds to a text I might send. He always tells ME that he’s too busy to text, yet I see him texting other people all the time (both male and female). He NEVER comments on anything I posts on my Facebook page even if I post something sweet to him on his page.... NO RESPONSE. We do live together and we do see each other everyday, but it seems like when he gets bored he has this playful, charming side that he seems to share with other people mostly and not much me. It bothers me even more when I see him sharing that side with other females becaus ehe gets really charming and playful (more so than his male friends). I know this probably sounds so stupid, but I just don’t get that part of him though. Why take time that he tells ME he doesn’t have and put it towards random people(especially other feamles) that do not really count and not the person he says he loves and wants to build a life with?? I feel like he’s taking for granted that I’m here everyday and he feels he doesn’t have to do the little things like that anymore. For me those are the little things that drew me to him because it made me feel like he was really into our relationship. Am I over worrying or is this something I should be worried about??
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Darling you know the answer, you are spelling it out yourself, and Parsh is right, its very painful and hurtful to be ignored and does little for your self-esteem. So get the hell out. You can do better than that. There IS someone out there who will want to respond to you, be interested in you, have fun with you. You're not getting it now and we are supposed to be happy. This is not a rehearsal. If its fun - do it, if it ain't - don't. Thats my philosophy now, and I'm a very old lady, took me a long time to learn that one :)))). Love and blessings xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): i understand how frustrating it is to you when the person you love not returning the appreciations you have given him.
i myself don't understand when a guy doing this. he says he love us, but showing more appreciations to others and leave us in despair.
if you have tried talking and discussion, i am afraid, there is nothing much you could do. believe me, i was in that position before. leaving is the final option. and if you feel you can't take it anymore, you may need to consider this option.
some people may think that it is stupid to end a relationship only because he is giving more attention on others. but honestly, the hurt and offenses will eat your heart bit by bit until you can't bear it anymore.
i may be saying all this out in despair as when i read your recent post, immediately, it reminded me of my previous bf.
any decision you make, i hope it is for the best. good luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You don't get it. Stop sending him texts, you live with him, stop obsessing over the texts he sends to women who are not in his life or that he values...texting is a low level form of communication.
If it bothers you THAT much, and I must say I can relate as I hate being with a partner who is addicted to their cell phone or any electronic device, that you want to try an experiment and make some ground rules by disabling text on your phone plans and telling your friends if they have something important to say, then they need to call you, and that you will not use your cell phones while spending time together either eating dinner or watching a movie or having a conversation, that you will let it go to voicemail and return calls when it is convenient to you and you aren't being ignored. It is very rude to use your cell during those times, but people now days don't seem to care about anything except being 100 percent accessible to their friends via the phone. It's irritating people!
Have that conversation with your boyfriend, instead of complaining that he is taking you for granted, give him specific behavioral things he needs to do to correct it and give him the reasons it is important to you, in that order and then ask him to repeat back to you what you just told him because you want to make sure that he understands exactly what you mean. If he is unwilling to make those changes then I am afraid you are going to continue to be unhappy in this relationship. I know I would be.
The whole cell phone, texting, bs is a deal breaker for me, it just is, if someone is always on the phone, it's a problem.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (9 August 2010):
Didn't understand what the 'inherent opportune racism' was about anonymous person, but I can assure you that is not the case - hardly when I'm married to a person from a different culture, and so are both my daughters - so thats 3 different cultures. When I said THEY are very boring, perhaps you thought I meant Jamaican people - nothing could be further from the truth - I was referring to people who sit at the computer all the time staring at facebook and chat sites with anonymous people when they have a perfectly good person there to have a conversation with - but then thats not exciting enough is it? I think we live in a world of chaos now, where peace and normality is undervalued and excitement - or so called excitement - is sought after from very unfortunate places that just seem to cause a great deal of trouble. And yes, we are boring too sitting here doing this you might say, but at least we are trying to help each other and not get some mighty thrill. Love and blessings.
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A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (9 August 2010):
lam0111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, thank you for the great responses! I have thought about totally removing myself from facebook since it does make me feel 'overlooked' by him. But, I've made contact with many family members that I never knew, so I don't want to deactivate yet. I do know that if I delete him it would hurt his feelings pretty bad. So I don't think that would solve anything.
It's more than just the text and facebook. I feel he's taking for granted that I love him and that I'm here everyday in all areas of our relationship. I know he loves me and he does want me here all the time. But, he's taking in for granted. I've tried talking to him about it and he acts like he gets what I'm saying, but it doesn't seem to change. It's a very frustrating feeling when you know someone wants you there, but you still feel overlooked and under appreciated.... if that makes any sense. I'm not an overly demanding person and I am independent (more so than him even).
I do still give all of the little things that I've always given, but get really discouraged because now I do not get that back in return. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a wall. That's the main part of the problem and what bothers me. If I send him an "I love you, have a great day" text 95% of the time I get nothing in return. But I see him texting his friends back almost immediately (even the people he works with and sees almost everyday as well). It really bothers me when I see him doing that with other females that he really could care less to talk to at all and have no real significance in his life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Were there things you used to do for him and stopped now he is in your life?
What are the little things that drove him wild ( in a happy way) when you first met? Do you still do them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): i read in the news that facebook could really end a relationship, even marriage.
my suggestion:
1. tell him that you want to remove him from ur facebook in order to keep this relationship. if he agrees, then it will be ok.
2. play by his rules. he doesn't text you, make him taste his own medicine. this may cause an argument, if your relationship can't take this kind of thing, please skip this one.
3. as Deema mentioned, spice up ur relationship with him. maybe seeing you everyday and nothing change may starting to get a little bit too normal lately. spice things up now and then.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): It gets you pissed,but i wouldnt class this as serious enough to let someone go,thats if you love him of course. I would dismiss Deemas advice to let him go as being shallow followed by inherent opportune racism. I also know someone from England who said all women ever do is drink tea all day, come on now!!! Yes you are right to feel he`s taking you for granted,the facebook comments etc are probably boredom and aimed at those more likely to respond or understand his humor.I think his lack of response to you needs sorting out and isnt anything to do with everything or anyone else.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 August 2010):
Because you actually do live together and therefore do see each other every day, it would be a waste of time to text or talk on Facebook when you can say it face to face. Just leave him to his texting and Facebook and don't bother to contact him that way. By sending him texts or Facebook notes, you might be crowding him a bit. He might feel a bit stifled - like you are there at every turn. He might even think you are keeping tabs on him somehow. Give him his space, he'll appreciate it. You both need your space.
Texting and Facebook and Tweet has made us lazy. We often do that instead of just calling them on the phone. We don't believe we have the time. It's a novelty. It is rather isolating, as you can't actually see a person's face, hear their voice or laugh together. It's very abstract and not real at all. And it's a lonely way to keep in touch. You can't always count on the fact that they are going to be on the Net when you are. Then you will get frustrated waiting on an answer. Perhaps that's the reason he gets a bit sarcastic, because they don't answer right there and then.
All these internet communication sites are just a poor substitute for real physical companionship.
Sounds like he needs more fun in his life generally. And when I say fun, I mean doing more with his free time such as hobbies, sports or interests, creative pursuits. Not just watching TV. And not just texting, Facebooking or Tweeting either.
He needs to put more meaning into his life. There's a feeling of dissatisfaction and disillusionment.
You both need to have your own personal interests, so that you are not in each other's pockets all the time. You both need some time to yourselves. Not every day just say twice a week at the most. Also each have some of your own friends who are just your friends - not friends of both of you as a couple. Then you have something new to talk about with each other.
Don't worry too much about the texting to these other women
unless he actually starts to see them. Yes, I believe this is all just showing signs of boredom with his life and that's about all.
I wish you both well. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (8 August 2010):
Oh boy how I relate to this one. I have a husband who I don't live with at the moment. When he's away from me he can't get enough of me. When we're together he wants his friends and is constantly talking to them or texting them. It does nothing for your self-esteem. What is it with them? I do know a Jamaican lady who says the men from her culture say they don't want to eat chicken every day, well neither do we actually, but there's a lot you can do with chicken - spice it up, fry it, barbecue it, roast it, etc etc. Sorry but I think THEY are very boring people, but if you're not careful you end up thinking its you thats boring. Let him go. He'll soon see whose important then - just like my one has :)))))
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (8 August 2010):
Disable your Facebook page, ask him to disable his. Facebook is stupid, really, it is to keep in touch with people who for the most part are NOT part of your real life, but friends from the past or work friends or friends of friends, it is a social outlet for bored people, and why on earth would he text a woman he lives with?
You get the REAL communication, so what is the problem here? The problem is our societies addiction to electronic communication instead of facing a real live person and having a real live conversation. Hell my 14 year old neice and nephew (twins) text each other while sitting next to each other on the couch, and they lack close interpersonal relationships with their real Aunt and Uncles and Grandparents because their parents have taught them that it is preferrable to just text instead of care about people and ask your own family about themselves.
IT is sad really, you can either be a part of the problem and obsess about the lack of the new trend in texting instead of communicating or you can chuck the trend and get back to real human interaction, respect and love and caring and vow to obstain from letting Facebook and texting come between the two of you and your relationship.
It is really in your hands, literally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Just talk to him and ask him why he has time for those other girls and not you? If this problem continues tell him you want him to stop talking to those girls. If he doesn't want to than obviously those girls are more important.
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