A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm at my wits end. I am so conflicted about what I should do that I am in a constant state of depression where it's almost debilitating. It all started about a year and a half ago. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we decided that we needed to spice up our marriage a little bit. We had always talked about our sexual fantasies and decided to make a few a reality. First we decided to do a threesome with another male (both with me not with each other). We did it a few times and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I felt so guilty that it was hard for me to deal with it, especially when I realized what it had done to my husband's self esteem. I am bisexual and decided that we needed to find a female to have a threesome with to even things out a bit. We had a much younger friend of the family agree to this. It was actually a very good experience for all of us. So much so we decided to make it a regular thing for awhile. After 3 weeks, my husband had to go out of town on a business trip, and since I had to stay home to take care of our children, he asked this young lady to go with him. I was wary of this to say the least. Our only stipulation to this arrangement was that when we had "outside" relationships that nobody would fall in love with the other person. He assured me that this would never happen so I reluctantly agreed to her accompanying him on the trip. When they returned, I knew something had changed. I could see it on his face. He was happier than I had seen him since the mfm threesome we had had the year before. I asked him point blank and he told me that he did have those feelings for her (which he now denies he ever said or says he only told me that because I pushed him into saying it). It broke my heart, but since he was so happy and I was still so guilty, I went along with it. I did everything I could to have those feelings for her as well because I thought it might make things a little easier for me. She ended up moving in with us a few weeks later. Tried as I might, I just couldn't deal with it. She would fawn all over him all of the time and he ate it up. I've never really been a touchy-feely kind of person and he is so he really enjoyed having her treat him that way. It got to a point though where I was getting none of his attention. They would cuddle on the couch and hold hands and play around with each other and I really started feeling like an outsider. Even in the bedroom, I felt like an outsider. Anytime he would have sex with me, she would become totally obnoxious about it till it got to the point that I no longer wanted to be involved in the threesome. After 4 months of this it all blew up and I kicked her out one night. My husband was so angry with me that he barely talked to me for days. I couldn't stand the way he was acting like he hated me, so I allowed him to continue seeing her but she couldn't move back in. He spent hours every day texting her, telling her how much he loved and missed her. She came over at least once a week so they could have sex. I hurt so badly, but I just wanted him to make the decision to stop seeing her on his own. If I told him to, I knew he would resent me. He saw how much it was hurting me, but he didn't seem to care. One night it all came to a head when we had a party at our house and he invited her. I got drunk and she ended up sleeping in our bed. I knew they were going to have sex, but I didn't want to be involved that night so I passed out. I woke up listening to the sounds of him making love to her, not sex, actually making love. They were going very slow and telling each other how they felt. I laid there in torment and cried for what seemed like an eternity until I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and went outside. My husband followed me and was clearly angry that I made a scene. We fought for several minutes until I finally gave up and actually apologized to him for making her feel bad. We went back into the bedroom and they quickly finished what they were doing and went to sleep while I laid there and cried. The next day he came home from work and told me he was sorry and he realized that he only wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I was so happy. He finally said the words I wanted to hear so badly for all of those months. We made love for the first time in months. It was wonderful. When we were making dinner we played around and cuddled and kissed like we did when we were dating. Then she texted him and he spent the rest of the night texting her back. Two days later he confessed that he was deeply in love with her and wanted her to move back in. It hurt so much. I gave in once again and agreed to it. When he told her, she confessed that she was in love with someone else and she needed some time to figure out what she was going to do. He was so hurt that I actually became a shoulder for him to cry on because she broke his heart. He said it was finished and he never wanted to see her again. I made him promise that he would never talk to her again because I couldn't stand to see him hurt that way. He agreed. A few weeks later I had to go out of town because I found out that my dad was very ill. While I was gone, I found out that she called and he talked to her every night that week. Now I was angry. I asked him about his promise and he said that he only promised not to contact her again but she contacted him so he didn't lie. To shorten the story a bit because I know it's getting a bit long, after that I tried to be everything for him. I gave him all of my attention when he was home, I fawned all over him the way she always did and it just wasn't enough. He just pushed me away. The more I tried the worse it got. I was sincere in my efforts because I felt like the whole thing was my fault because I wasn't attentive enough to him. I wanted to be his everything. One night he told me that he missed the attention he always got from her. Again, he cut me to the bone. I stopped trying thinking there was no use anymore. He always told me he loved me with all of his heart. He said that one night and I called him a liar. He told me that it was true, but he felt like it was possible to love more than one person like that. I tried to take a different point of view. To think of it as possible to love more than one person that way (even though I never could, romantically anyway). I told him he could continue seeing her that it was fine with me and at the time I thought it was. Over the past 4-5 months he has been going back and forth about whether he really is in love with this girl or not. I just don't know how much more I can stand. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant with our 4th child. Since then, he hasn't said anything about being in love with this girl and has told me that he wants me to be in love with him again. I just don't know if I can. I feel that the only reason he is saying this is so I won't leave and go out of state taking our children and our unborn baby with me. I just don't know what to do. I do love him and I want to forgive him, but I'm afraid that he will just end up hurting me again. I'm so angry and so hurt that I don't know if forgiveness is possible. When I look into his eyes I don't see the love for me that I once did. There's no emotional connection at all when we have sex. I have gotten to the point that I hate it when he touches me. Whenever we do have sex I can't help but to start thinking he's imagining he's with her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want my baby to grow up without a father. A part of me keeps holding on to the hope that the man I love is still there somewhere and in time he'll come back to me. To love me and only me the way it had always been and should be. I just don't know if I can give anymore of myself to this relationship without some real effort from him. More than just his words, but his actions. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
Yes, I just wanted to say that my last answer was not me. I forgot lock my computer in my office and my co-workers saw the webpage and decided to play a joke on me...it wasn't very funny and I apologize for this.
A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (9 April 2011):
If you want to get even let me know...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Frankly I think you're way past trying to be objective and working things out with him.
You say he wants to have sex with you all the time now? have you considered that maybe it's because he's feeling a "physical" void from the other woman leaving him? You say you feel like he's using you as a blow up doll. LISTEN to your feelings. they are there for a reason.
I know you don't want to feel that the last 15 years have been wasted. So why not cut your losses now before it's 20 years that you have wasted, or more.... look at the facts. He's unreliable and a liar. He keeps going back and forth between you and her. he didn't give her up, she gave him up. If she hadn't given him up, he's still be with her now taking you on a roller coaster ride. He isn't with you because he changed his heart, he's just going with the flow that's all.
It's only a matter of time before he finds a new woman and repeats this whole cycle all over again. Can your heart, and mind, take that kind of abuse all over again??
One person can't work on a marriage, it takes two. it looks like you're the only one who's been trying to make your marriage work. He just follows his whims which change like the wind. You've been adapting your behavior to him. this isn't healthy for you.
he's still in contact with her as a 'friend'...so he could still be trying to start up something with her again. You may find it satisfying that now she's toying with him making him suffer, but this only gets him more hooked on her, again because it wasn't him who gave her up for you, but she gave him up that's why he's still with you.
You said "The biggest problem now is me."
NO!!! the biggest problem is not you, it's him. You can't change other people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Original poster again: Thank all of you for your advice. One thing that I have forgotten to mention is the fact that, as far as I know, she has absolutely no interest in my husband anymore. When she called him while I was gone, it was to apologize to him (I will admit, I have gone through all of his emails and text messages). When this happened, she was out of town and stayed out of town all summer. All summer long he texted her almost daily trying to get her to talk to him. She ignored him for the most part, but he kept doing it. When she got back into town he asked to see her and she made excuses. The only time she asked him to come over was so she could borrow money from him and I told him absolutely not. I also told him he was being an idiot and it should be obvious to him that she doesn't care anymore if she ever did in the first place. So that was one of those times when he decided he wasn't in love with her and was never in love with her.
Of course two weeks later, he was in love with her again even though she made no moves or gave him any signs that she was interested. The only time she contacted him was when she and her boyfriend were having problems and she needed somebody to whine to. Then she would go a couple of weeks without any contact. In October, he contacted her because she put down on her fb page that she had big news and he asked her what was going on. He found out that she was pregnant with this other guy's baby and asked if she could come over for a visit. I did agree to this because I just had a feeling that it should cement in his mind the fact that she was finished with that kind of relationship with him. It definitely did for me. She came over, he tried to play around with her the way they had always done and she just got upset with him and told him to stop.
He told me that he didn't have those feelings for her anymore and just wanted to be there for her as a friend. I know it's wrong, but it tickled me a bit to see that she was using him as a doormat. She only contacted him when she needed something (like a ride to her ob appointments) or to whine about problems in her life. I do kind of wonder if she's not stringing him along because she wants to keep on the back burner if it doesn't work out between her and her baby's daddy.
Back in November, I actually had made the decision to leave after the beginning of the year. I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my kids. In the beginning of December, I found out about the new baby. Which complicated everything. I have to admit he has been treating me better and the only contact he has made with her was to tell her that we're having a baby. None of her business, but I gave him that one. He hasn't contacted her otherwise and never talks about her anymore.
The biggest problem now is me. I'm just so angry and bitter. I know I'm seeing things differently than they probably really are. For example, he wants to have sex with me all of the time lately (that was certainly not the case up until I found out I was pregnant), but I get it in my head that he's treating me like a blow up doll. He does look at me like he loves me sometimes lately, but I always think it's because he either wants sex or because we just had sex. My whole viewpoint is skewed now to the point that I just look for reasons to be angry with him now. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm trying to figure out if I can ever get over this. I know that what was between the two of them is over, but if she changes her mind and he decides to get stupid and wants to be with her again I am through.
I made the decision to try to work this out for the sake of our children and because I don't want to believe that wasted the last 15 years of my life living a lie. I know that I still love him, but those feelings are buried pretty deep right now because I refuse to let him hurt me like that again. I'm just trying to figure out how to not be more objective and not hate him anymore or if there is even any point in trying because I will never get past this.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Sadly, they don't make beds for three(double beds are the common size) A threesome is what got you here, now the two of you gotta get out of it before you raise a bunch of kids that think gang bangs are the normal thing to do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): The best thing you can do to try and rescue your marriage. Is for him to find somewhere else to live short term and for both of you to attend couples counselling. If it doesnt work then make a clean break and focus on repairing things with your children. As parents you should both be concerned about how your actions are/have impacted on them. They should be your priority.
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A
female
reader, Godchild +, writes (4 January 2011):
You must love heart ache.and pain. This man is getting the best of both worlds. You been giving him the go ahead the whole time.while he disrespect you in your own home. Are you serious. Then you let the little tramp in. where are the kids at? How do you explain this? You have allowed this man to run all over you. Then he chooses her over you, you let this get way out of hand.I'm so mad Im furious.then you apologizing to him about disrespecting her. What about you and your feelings now he in love with her.kick him to the curb and raise your kids. You felt bad about your mfm, and yet he loves his don't care.about how it makes you feel when he love to heThem he makes his wife the fallback. He out his mind. You should of never did threesomes there are other ways to spice a marriage. Get some confidence and leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): you need to leave your husband. He's not going to change any time soon. you don't need this stress while you're pregnant it could harm the baby.
Your husband has lied to you so many times, it's a given he'll continue to do it.
He has also taken advantage of you so many times, it's a given he'll continue to do it.
You need to have more self respect!!!! Your relationship has been completely one-sided with you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking. that's why you're so hurt. And it's not going to change if you continue to give, give, give, and not stand up for yourself when he's disrespecting you.
Here are the things he's done to disrespect you, and while you have showed glimpses of strength here and there, there are way more times when you gave in and were a doormat:
He fell in love with her. it hurt you but you went along because it made him happy. You set aside your feelings to allow him to be happy. But does he reciprocate and respect your feelings? No...this is just the beginning of a recurring pattern...
You let her move in even though you were uncomfortable that the two of them were all over each other and you were the outsider. This is blatantly disrespectful to you because you're his wife, he shouldn't be doing this with her.
When you finally had enough and kicked her out (good for you, by the way!!), he had the nerve to get angry at you. He has no right to get mad at you, it shows he's selfish and totally disregards your feelings. And yet you caved in. YOU LET HIM CONTINUE SEEING HER because you didn't want him to hate you. you let her come over to have sex with him once a week. At this point it's no longer the agreed-upon threesome. Here you allowed him to have sex with her without you, this is disrespectful to you because if you're not involved then he's now cheating on you! yet you allowed this even though this hurt you so badly, but because you didn't want him to hate you.
Then at the party you woke up to find them making love - again now this is cheating on you because it's not the agreed-upon threesome it's just him and her without you. and it hurt you so badly YET YOU WERE THE ONE WHO APOLOGIZED for making her feel bad?? This makes no sense!! and you allowed them to go back and finish their deed and sleep peacefully while you continued to cry alone. You;re being a doormat!!
Then next day he apologizes and says he wants only you, and you two make love and feels like you're in love again. OK, WHY ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?? So his one apology and statement, completely erased all the previous hurt he caused you up until this point?? And this was just the day after!! You are too clingy when it comes to him. You're jumping at every crumb he throws to you no matter how much he has already insulted you.
Then 2 days later he changes his tune completely and says he loves her after all. This is not surprising. By now it's clear your husband selfish and has no respect for you at all and no regard for your feelings. Everything that happens from now on is not surprising any more.
Then he wants her to move back in. How can he do that after having told you 2 days earlier that you are the only one for him?? Yet more evidence of what a selfish jerk he is. AND YET YOU AGREED EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SO HURT...Girl, you really need to stop being his doormat. You need to stop agreeing with everything he wants that hurts you. YOu think that by caving in it will make him love you? No, it makes him lose even more respect for you, that's why keeps doing stuff like this.
Then she says she's in love with someone else. AND YOU BECAME HIS SHOULDER TO CRY ON. WTF??? I'm sorry but this is really messed up. You care more about his feelings than you do your own. This is all fine and good if the relationship was balanced with equal give and take on both sides. But it's clear this relationship is completely one-sided. And yet you continue to feed that one-sidedness.
You made him promise to never talk to her again - not because it hurts YOU , but because she hurt HIM...your priorities are all wrong!!!! Have some self respect!!
So he promises to never talk to her again. BUt of course he breaks this promise when you're gone out of town. Because he's a selfish liar, is it any surprise? And yet instead of being totally disgusted at him your response now is to go all out and throw yourself completely at him and try to be everything he wants. the harder you try the more he rejects you so you keep trying even more. Again, you really need to have some self respect.
Then after all your efforts to please him and him rejecting you he tells you he still loves her. This is another slap in the face. AND SO YOU GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO GO BACK TO SEEING HER....WTF???
Ever since then he's going back and forth about does he love her or not. This is completely disrespectful to you but by now you've allowed him to walk all over you so much that this is the ingrained dynamic in your relationship so it's to be expected that he will keep treating you this way, because YOU keep on allowing it.
The more you behave as if you have no self respect, the more he will continue to treat you with utter contempt.
You didn't treat YOURSELF with respect, so of course on one else will either.
It's no wonder that you feel the way you do about him now.
And now you are still holding onto the hope that he will some day choose you. No, you need to wake up. Realize he won't change. It's just going to be more of the same, at least if you continue this dynamic where you keep being his doormat.
Leave him now, this is not a healthy environment for all your kids to grow up in.
Open your eyes - see him for the selfish jerk he is. Why do you want to sacrifice your energy and emotions into this jerk?? You know you're not going to get anything in return. Or if you do, it will last all of 2 minutes until he's back to mistreating you again. And yet that 2 minutes will keep you hooked into him for longer...So just stop it now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I've always made it a rule never to allow another man to try and convince me into bringing a 3rd person into our bed. The risks of getting hurt are WAY higher than a cheap thrill for fantacy's sake.
Personally, if it was me, I'd have to end it with him. Simply because if there was ever a chance we could go back to the way it was, I wouldn't be able to erase the visual memories and just end up hating him for it. Maybe, at first, I'd tell myself I could get over it. In reality, it would be a lie.
Be honest, I mean completely honest with yourself. Can you really "let it go"? If not, move on with your life and learn from this. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I want to help you - the rest of society will not be so kind and you may as well be prepared for it. Are you not aware that if these frolics become known by anyone, you could very well have your children taken away from you by a court of law? You need professional help, lady, and quickly! Get a therapist and also a divorce lawyer. Respecting the diversity of our many posters, I shan't add the most obvious recourse I might take in your place: a clergyman and confessor......I honestly had forgotten that there are still grown women with children around who can be convinced by a deranged excuse for a husband that destroying their marriages is a good way to "spice them up." What on earth did you expect? From your (quite well done) articulation of your difficulties and pain, it's clear you are perfectly aware that what you both did was immoral, irrational, irresponsible and totally dangerous. Where were your children when you three were having your Saturnalia's in your marital bedroom? How long before one of your swinging friends tries to put the make on one of them? You have not brought up that worry here but I am certain you have met it in private by now.I can see that not only do you already feel guilty, but also - and this is of more grave concern to me: your guilt feelings have immobilized you so you cannot even try to defend the honor of your house. Never mind that feeling for the present! Think now of doing what you know is the right thing and set your emotions on the back burner. Dealing with guilt and repentance is between you and whatever God you believe in - you're sure to get a better deal from Whomever that be than you ever got from your spouse.You have bravely come here and confessed a most embarrassing personal situation and because I respect that, I'm not going to sugar-coat the truth or worse, lie and give you some modern moral relativity response. There is NOTHING 'OK' about adultery and I think you know that as well as I do. Just stop it and never do this again. I won't say to you that there is no way to save your marriage for that depends upon your husband and if he can rediscover common decency - and if he loves you enough to try. For the sake of your children, throw this degeneracy out of their home. Goodness is not for weaklings; it takes guts to stand up for what is right. You have those guts even if you don't think you do.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 January 2011):
Hi there. This is a very difficult position to be in, that's for sure.
At the very least, you must be having big regrets about the threesome thing. It's probably the worst thing you both could ever have done.
The problem with threesomes is, there is always the risk that one of you will fall in love with the third person. It's almost impossible to have sex with someone, and have no feelings towards them after.
Apart from anything else, there's always the possibility that one of you will start having sex with the other person as a bit on the side - behind your spouse's back. This seems to be what has happened in your case.
It's a really messy situation now, there's no denying it.
The most mixed up person is of course, your husband. He still loves you, but still has feelings for the other woman. She says she's in love with someone else! Wow! What a mixup!
Although you are pregnant, it does seem like you somehow need to distance yourself from all this. Just to get some breathing space. It's incredibly confusing for you.
At the very least, you do need to sit down with him and have a very serious talk about where you want to go from here. No matter what, the future of you and your soon to be 4 children, needs to be discussed thoroughly - regardless of whether your husband is ready to talk about it or not. It has to happen, sooner rather than later.
At the moment, everything is just so unsettled. No one knows where they stand.
The other people to consider are your children, and their future. This is very tedious for them. It has to be affecting them in some way, showing in their behaviour. It could also be affecting their education.
If you can get no satisfaction from a discussion with your husband, well then you might need to consider finding some temporary accommodation, until you can work out where you want to go from there.
If you did decide to leave your husband in the end, he will still have his rights as a father to see his children at least fortnightly, or weekly. You could come to some mutual agreement, so that everyone is happy.
It's no doubt you are wondering if you do still love him, because of all that's happened. You keep on giving him chances to cheat on you - over and over again. This just tells him that it's quite ok to go on seeing this other woman. Surely you deserve better than that for yourself.
Don't ever just settle.
Whatever happens, you need to let him know very clearly, that you are not going to accept crap from him or anyone, and that you deserve the best in life that there is. And that you will accept nothing less than the best.
If you decide you want a break from this, then it should be you who stays in the house, and let him find another place to stay while he is doing his thinking about his life. After all, you have the children, which makes your needs a higher priority, than his.
Don't ever let him or anyone else mistreat you or take you for granted, ever again. You DO deserve better.
Whatever you do in future, please let this be a powerful life lesson to you. I sincerely hope that you have learnt something from this threesome business. It's really not worth the heartache it causes.
There are better ways to make your lives more interesting. One of the best ways, is to each have a life of your own, where you pursue some hobbies or interests and have a few of your own friends who are not common to both of you. These hobbies, interests and visiting or going out with friends, could be carried out about once a week for a couple of hours.
This makes you both more interested and interesting as a result. Therefore you have more to talk about with each other, and it breathes some fresh air into the relationship. When people live interesting lives, their togetherness time also becomes more interesting as well.
This flows over into making love, as a natural consequence.
Other ways as well as this, are making sure that you both have some "alone time" together on a regular basis. Perhaps you could get your children minded by one of your parents for a few hours, one night a week. Then you can use that time to get to know each other all over again.
Doing things like going on a picnic on a weekend, go to a pretty place or a nice park, take some nice food, a bottle of nice wine or champagne, and just enjoy each other's company. Then you could go for a nice long walk after your picnic lunch and talk while you walk.
Another nice thing to do, is go for a nice long slow walk along the shore of a beach at sunset. Walking along the beach is a great way to talk about all your thoughts and feelings as you go along. There will be a great flow of thought.
Some food for thought. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Stop being the supporter of his affair. That is what it is. You are married, you are his wife and yet here he is, so openly expressing his love for another woman and getting angry when you express that you do not want this to happen which only makes sense seeing as how he is your husband. That was your mistake, stop making the same mistake. When he says that he still feels something for her, you should be enraged and talking to him about divorce so that he will be free to pursue her and you will not have to get hurt.
I am glad he is starting to devote himself to you, or at least, he seems to be. Perhaps you could get a babysitter for your children and you two could go out on dates again to at least attempt to rekindle things between you. Before you do this though, you have to talk about this, really talk about everything that has happened, talk about how he feels about it and tell him how YOU feel about it. Make this the conversation that marks the end of this dilemma and try to restore the sanctity of this marriage, make it sacred once more and keep treating it that way as a marriage should be. It will be difficult and I will not lie, in the end, you may never be able to feel that love for him again, he may never feel that love again, but at least you would have tried. If it does not work out, do not worry about the children, they can still have their father even if you two are not together, it will not be easy but at least they will not have to suffer through a false marriage full of contempt and heartache. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Get out. Run away with the kids. Now. And never look back! He is a clear manipulator and you are far too sympathetic. I mean, seriously, how can you apologize for HIS actions? He was/is literally having an affair in front of your face and I thought marriage was a monogamous, two-person effort? If my boyfriend and I were ever in this situation, as much as it would absolutely kill me inside, believe you me, I would leave the cheating fucker.Do NOT put up with his shit anymore! Sure, you're pregnant but there are much better men out there who will appreciate your efforts and probably be flabbergasted at your husband's actions. Be kind to yourself, your sanity, and your children, and LEAVE.
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