A
female
age
36-40,
missmatador
writes:It's a beautiful morning here in the South Coast. I'm sitting here with my bowl of Frosties slowly turning to mush in the milk because something is casting a shadow over my Thursday.The dreaded dream of "The ex"!You know the one? Where you're either engaging in some indecent act, having him stand on your head like a bug or seeing him around every wishy-washy dream corner as if he managed to turn 'Inception' into his night job.See, I understand that it's all part of getting over someone; To dream about them into oblivion until your subconscious finally decides "Enough is enough, I fancy a bit of Wentworth Miller...". But, really? Two years down the line and in a perfectly settled, loving, passionate relationship and Mr. Brain decides to torment me with 6 to 8 hour Hollyoaks episode of "what life woulda-shoulda-coulda been like had I stayed with a douche bag?"At times it feels like a betrayal, to myself...and to my boyfriend. All the subliminal kissing and canoodling in the arms of a man whos face jumps between every man I've ever slept with (none of them ever having the arms of Vin Diesel, but the brain wants what it wants.) It is enough to make a woman crumble with guilt!I'm in love with the perfect man, I have a comfortable, if not perfect, lifestyle and regular sex. So what's with the corrupt dreamscape?Have the movies really come to life? Is he my ex trying to reach me in my dreams? Did it all go wrong for the wrong reasons? Did I make the wrong choice? Should I go back? Should I call him? Should I-Could I- Would I?The answer? No.No to everything. If I believed everything I saw in my dreams then my hair would be bright purple and I would be bashing my head of a padded wall insisting I was a wicca-ninja.No. When dreaming about an ex, no doubt you will wake up suddenly with your run of stupid questions. My advice; If possible, go back to sleep. And after that little break into the waking world you'll realize that your brain was only half done.Give it a few dream-time minutes and those little storymakers between your ears will reveal every disgusting, snotty, hairy little detail of why you left him in the first place.See! It knows what it's doing. You just have to let it... and I know this will be difficult because -hell- I'm a woman too... let it finish!!!
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male
reader, DoberDark  +, writes (9 July 2012):
Hello missmatador.
First of all thank you for this article which made me laugh and think. I am also currently in the same situation. My last relation ended badly (let's not get into the details) and it has tormented me for close to 3 years now.
With time I learn that I have loved and have been hurt. I am now in a new relationship with my fiancée for 2 and a half years now. Each time I get one of those dreams where I see "HER" in the positive or the negative aspects, it kinda messes me up. I feel the same guilt wondering if it's fair to me or my current companion. I feel the pain when I relive that painful night when shit hit the fan.
I have been off work for over a year now due to depression and panic attacks. Even though my present should not cause this, my past wounds through which I've managed to struggle have caught up with me. I now realize that what's past is past and that I was not the only one at fault (if I ever was) in my old relationship. However, 1 month after the breakup, she was pregnant. She told me I was not the father and bla bla bla but I know now that until I know for sure this will bother me.
These recurring dreams can be as you say part of the "getting over it" process or maybe some unfinished business. Seeing a lawyer and discussing about all the fun stuff like paternity tests and what not is on my TO DO list although I have a lot more important stuff to deal with atm.
In any case, thanks for the article!!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 June 2012):
Hi. Your very welcome.
Things in life always happen for a reason, whether they are good or not so good.
And the reason why, is what we learn from the experience about life and about ourselves.
And we do learn something from each experience, even if we don't realize it at the time.
And it might simply be something like that you now realize what you would never tolerate again in a relationship.
So it puts you in a much better place in moving forward, because it homes in on what you really DO want your life to be in future.
It's like a process of elimination.
With each new relationship it wisens you up to what you like and what you don't, and you will get better at seeing the things that are a red flag to you, very early on.
Because you will know what things to look out for, that could bring you unhappiness in future.
You will recognise them straight away.
So that has to be a positive thing all round.
And it could certainly prevent a lot of hearache, no doubt.
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A
female
reader, missmatador +, writes (19 June 2012):
missmatador is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for the response.
This was really just a venting article but I am really glad to have some positive feedback on my perspective on these troublesome dreams.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 June 2012):
Hi there. I guess it really depends on whether you felt good after the dream or not happy after it.
And perhaps yes, your subconscious was just playing over the details so you could process it in your waking hours later, and then realize why you ended it with him in the first place.
You seem to realize this for yourself though, which is good.
And the good part is that you seem to have no regrets about breaking it off, so there's another plus.
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