A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:How do I get over this.I am falling deeper and deeper in love with a women 26 years younger than I am. We met in graduate school and worked together for 10 months before she left for a fulltime position. The last day we worked together, just the other day, I held her beautiful face in my hands looked into her beautiful green eyes and told her I fell in love with her. In her slyness she turned to leave my office as she walked way her eyes tearing up she told me she loves me. I gently took her hand to come back into the small office closed the door and told her she did not have to turn her back on me when she told me she loves me. We stood face to face I told her again I love her, with tears in her eyes that had been welling up all morning began to fall down her beautiful face she looked at me and told me she loves me. The sweetest most wonderful feeling, we share a love together. For me it has been a slow burn. It started in school over a year ago where I first saw her, her smile, her life force, her brilliance, her gentle soulful touch on everything around her. Last summer between semesters I tried as hard as I could to run her off my mind. I motorcycled all over the south east all I could think about was sharing her company again. I said to myself God almighty please let classes start again so I could see her. Over the past few months it has turned into love. We tease each other, share thoughts about our work, listen to our issues, offer support and caring. I fell in love with this women.I'm not married I have been with a women for more than 14 years, everything has changed in those years except she is still the most physically attractive women I never thought could exist. That alone just does not work, it's never enough.This love just happened, How do I get over this? Why do I have to get over it? - She has her doctoral work in her near future, I am leaving this state to start mine in December. It keeps coming back to the age difference, I love her so deeply I will not be part of anything that stands in her way of her future and most of all she will not allow that either. What do I do with all of these feelings? Last Christmas I wanted to be with her, she had her family to be with. I left for NYC by myself to attend the Opera at the Met - trying my best to keep her off my mind. I met a young women at the Opera we spent some time together including going out to dinner. Getting to know each other I told her I had feeling for someone - tying my best to get over them. The young lady excused herself just as she left the women I am so in love with sent me a text message " are you having fun." When my dinner date came back she asked what had happen. The person she had just met was no longer present, all I could think about was how wonderful it would have been to share Christmas eve with the one I love so deeply. Help!
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male
reader, Lobsang Kalden +, writes (27 June 2011):
Get over anything you want except Love. Do not ever let a bad experience make you want to get over loving. Always give Love a chance. No matter how difficult it gets. It is our duty.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): There always will be someone younger and more beautiful. You are a type who adores romancing. That's very unsettling life. I know your type. The way you write, sentimental and full of feelings, in a mean time hurting people around you.
You go to new York for Christmas, leaving a woman that you are with for 14 years on a holiday like that? Meeting another younger woman? Your are trying to get to know her, telling her about your big love? I m sorry but it's just plain silly.
You will keep on romancing your whole life. Nothing will ever be forever for you. Sure, go ahead, break one more heart, I m sure there are plenty behind. O, by the way are you trying to stay friends with your ex loves?
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A
male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (1 June 2011):
Man oh man, Jeez Louise - I feel your pain (sort of).
I'm in the midst of trying to un-like a younger lady who I worked with in grad school and became daftly enamored with. Damn you, Grad School - damn you. You had better luck in the feelings-being-mutual department, mind you, but that's life and you can call me Jealous.
Anyways, Denise is right: it's your call whether or not to pursue things, but if you do, do so after becoming single. That's just fair all around.
One thing I'd add: Relationships between academics (especially in the same field) often involve somebody compromising. That is, universities typically don't have two job openings in the same department at the same time, so one of the pair has to compromise if they're going to live in the same town. If she's just starting out, this job is Big, & for her CV she really can't turn it down if she wants tenure at some point in the future. If you're already established, there's always sabbatical options: you could go where she goes and see what happens in a year. Who knows - it could end in complete disaster & you may end up returning to your old institution with a bruised ego, then have to put up w/people snickering about "the guy who ran away with the girl half his age."
But y'know what? You'll have run away w/a girl have your age - and for a guy in his 50s, that's a damned fine story to be able to tell at a cocktail party regardless of how things turn out.
Life can't be adequately cast in terms of the 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do at any one time; instead, there are simply options and consequences - and more often than not, the consequences of any option will be a mix of nice and nasty. The question you've got to answer for yourself, then, is what set of consequences would make you the most happy over the next 30 or so years?
Well, that's my sage advice. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 My only question concerns the "woman I have been with for more than 14 years." Is this someone you live with and/or are in a committed relationship with?
Because if so, and you want to pursue things with the younger woman, you must, in all fairness, do the ethical thing and end it with the her first.
Otherwise, I don't see any good reason not to try to develop a relationship with the younger woman. Even if it might, for a while, be long distance.
I know there is a big difference in your ages, but, you know, even if you're now 57, and she is, say, 31, in 20 years you'd be 77, and she 51. BUT, the good news is that men who take care of their mental and physical health are often (given in a bit of luck in that serious illness doesn't intervene)still in good shape in their seventies and beyond!
Hope this helps.
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