A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My sister moved to the another country many months ago where she met her current boyfriend and I recently went to visit for a week. In my time spent there I quickly realised that she was in an abusive relationship. My sister is only seventeen and it turned out her boyfriend was more than twenty years older than her. The entire time that I spent there her boyfriend was constantly shouting and taking drugs, and saying really terrible things to my sister. He said some horrible crude things, undermined her intelligence, called her childish, treated her like a child and was extremely possessive and paranoid. I discovered that this man has no real job, is an amateur criminal, an ex convict for the crime of murder, and was extremely manipulative and controlling. For the five days I spent there I felt as though my sister and I were not safe. My sister and I went out for four hours without this man and when we came back he was extremely high on drugs and was accusing of my sister of cheating on him while we were out. He must have had some sort of hallucination because he said he came out and saw us with several men (this DID NOT happen!!!!). After he spent fifteen hours screaming at her and throwing objects around the room (he went on all through the night), I decided it was well and truly time to leave. I left and took my sister with me and we got flights home (all to my expense!!).But now my sister has been back home for several weeks and she is adamant that she go back with this HORRIBLE man against my wishes because she 'loves him.' This man is dangerous and I think I have a right to be concerned and not want her to have anything to do with him, especially as they would live so far away and I wouldn't know what is going on. I could never go back as this man now hates me and has threatened me - I fear for my safety if I were to return in his town. I have considered informing the police but what if they do nothing and it provokes this man more?? Am I being immoral by trying to demand that she stay with me?? I really don't understand why she could possibly want him, he has no redeeming qualities. I feel upset, angry and terribly disappointed and I can't help but think of her as a stupid little fool.What on earth can I do in this situation?? I feel as though I can't just open the door and let her leave because I know she is going to someone who has a clear potential to kill her - she is not safe there. I would feel so damn guilty. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ lovelyeyes,
thanks for your advice and I am aware that a lot of the reasons she will want to be with them are because he has manipulated her into thinking that she can't do any better than him, but those are not the only reasons she wants to go back with them. My sister is extremely immature, even for being seventeen, and seems to think this guy's track record is funny. She seems to think that the way he behaves makes him exciting and manly, and she does not think about the consequences of her actions at all. She makes herself completely financially dependent on him, not even allowing herself independence or an escape route. She is practically going to hand herself over as a prisoner.
I cannot help but feel all sorts of things - guilt, pity, anger, disappointment, frustration, despair.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): U have to pretty much let her know your place is always open for her. Its not easy tob leave an abusive partner and no she is not a fool its called feeling guilty u always care a lot for your abuser I know it doesn't make sense but it does happen its also because he has soooo much control over her he makes her feel guilty for leaving him. U have to let her do it on her own. U just need to remind her all the time when ever she's ready your there for her. Please becareful. also make sure she doesn't tell him anything about what goes on between u guys cause it will make him not trust her even more.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 You cannot let your sister go back to him. She may think she loves him but its not love, its being his toy. She will feel the need to return to him because inside, she might think he is the only one who will have her, she might think that she deserves it and that she should change, she might even think that he will change and that tolerating his harshness is worth it because of the good times they spend together. All of them are lies and delusions his cruelty has thrown upon her.
Don't hesitate in calling the police, he is a man with a criminal record and he has threatened you, that's all the reason you need to call the police, as well as the drugs and the abusive HELL he is putting her through. He is dangerous and no matter what your sister says, he is a venomous, malevolent demon of a thing for her and you need to make her see this. Remind her that there is a reason you two left his house together, because he is a horrible man and surely she realizes this, surely the only thing that draws her back is the temptation false hope brings with it, false hope that he might change and treat her better if SHE changes first. LIES.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes  +, writes (1 June 2011):
U have to pretty much let her know your place is always open for her. Its not easy tob leave an abusive partner and no she is not a fool its called feeling guilty u always care a lot for your abuser I know it doesn't make sense but it does happen its also because he has soooo much control over her he makes her feel guilty for leaving him. U have to let her do it on her own. U just need to remind her all the time when ever she's ready your there for her. Please becareful. also make sure she doesn't tell him anything about what goes on between u guys cause it will make him not trust her even more.
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